New Rules: Election edition

The Indian media has got to stop comparing each event in our country to some other event in America. We've already had three Indian 9/11's, five Indian version of the Oscars and every reporter is on a mission to find India's Barack Obama. Listen up. If Barack Obama was born in India, he would do what any other patriotic Indian would.  Be on the top of his class in school,  get admission in an IIT, apply for an H1B visa, and then get a job as a server engineer with IBM America for half for what they would pay an American citizen. Then once the visa duration is over, come back home and write a really bad best-selling book about the whole experience.

The Italian Prime Minister needs to get his head surgically removed from his ass. Recently, he told the devastated earthquake survivors whose homes were destroyed causing them to live in tents, to pretend that they were on a "camping trip". He also told them to think of the earthquake as "mild land turbulence" and to dismiss the large rash on their ass which they got from doing their "business" in the woods, as "insect hickeys".

The guy who filed an FIR about Akshay and Twinkle Kumar at the LIFW needs to get laid. Dude, you were at the fashion week. They show more tits there than at Vijay Mallaya's parties. Feigning offense there is like being surprised that the Slim Sauna belt didn't give you a six pack.  In fact, I think a case should be a case filed against you for your obscene show of insanity. Don't the police have much better things to do? Like arresting criminals? Or preventing young people from having sex with each other?

Indian Politicians need to stop trying to trash talk each other. Not only is it boring, it's also a trifle bit embarrassing. Even five year olds can diss each other in a more entertaining fashion.  If they really want to piss each other off, and get high TRP's, I suggest they learn the tricks of the trade by watching back to back episodes of Yo Mamma.

People in India need to stop throwing shoes at our politicians. No, not because I think it's disrespectful. No, no, no. Not at all. It's because I think that it's a waste of a perfectly good shoe.

Network 18 has got to stop showing Arun Jaitley and Kapil Sibbal debating each other. If I wanted to see two lawyers talk about politics, I would watch old episodes of Boston Legal. At least the show has a happy ending. 

Sharad Pawar has got to pick a front he can side with. One day he's with the Third Front. The next day he's back with the UPA. Who does he think he is? Ajit Singh?

Jayanti Natrajan has got to lend me her cloning machine. Not only is she on every channel, every night, at the same time, she's even wearing a different ensemble. I think she's one appearance away from replacing Glenn Close in the third season of Damages.  At the very least , she should at least get her very own X-Men franchise.

New Rules

The Indian media has to stop having an orgasm every time India wins a match. Listen, sparky. The match was in India. On a fucking Indian pitch. We were bound to win. You can shove your balls in the Aussies faces once you win a match outside of India. Even I know that. And I don't even watch cricket.

CNN has got to show something other than news about the presidential election. There are more than 180 other countries in the world, dawg. Or didja forget the "International" in "CNN International"? It's gotten so bad that Osama and his freaks could blow something up and still not make the headlines. In fact, they just bumped Nelson Madela for an exclusive with Barney the Coffee Guy.

China has to stop trying to poison the rest of the world. It seems that everything that comes from China has some sort of poison in it. Listen up people, if your milk carton is cheaper than the cost of chewing gum, then it's going to make your lungs explode, you cheap fuck.

The British government has to stop trying to suck up to India. Face it, you old fart. We're not going to bail you out of your financial crisis. We told you that this would happen when you made Shipla Shetty your yoga guru. Now remove your leg from behind your head and stop asking us for chump change.

New Rules

New rules: People who need to have a nice warm cup of STFU

People with news born kids:

Unless you are my brother or sister, stop trying to tell me how cute your kid is. I may fake an "Awwwwww" but I really coudn't give a rat's ass. No, I Don't need to be woken up at 3 AM because your kid is rapping out the alphabet. And no, I don't think it is funny that you kid mispronounces his name. In my book, he's gonna be a retard. Unless baby's first word consists of the F-bomb, I really am not interested.

People with nosy questions:

Just because you know my parents does not give you the right to question me. No, I don't think I should get married and I don't think I should look for a job with another company. I really don't care what you think constitutes good behavior. The only reason that I don't hit you is cause you know my parents. Though one of these days, I might forget that.

People who send the same wishes by SMS:

People need to stop sending the same message every year for all the occasions. I'm tired of reading the "let me wish you before the network gets jammed" message for Holi, Diwali, New Year's, Christmas, St Patrick's Day. No, don't send me the list of alcohol brands listed alphabetically. It does not mean that you're funny. It shows that (a) you're a closet alcoholic and (b) you don't have an original brain in your body. Next time a brain fart sends me a teddy which will stay in my inbox till 12.00 am is going to get an earful. Seriously.


News channels who dedicate hour long segments to the great khali:

Stop spoiling my favorite sport. Khali is the worst wrestler in the world and the only reason he is even in the WWE is because he is a freak show. He can't speak English to save his life and even when he speaks punjabi/hindi he is incomprehensible. So news channels who show reports about Khehli (what they call him) should be banned. Stop trying to act like Khali is the equivalent of the Tata-Jaguar deal. He's just a effing freak show. The only reason he became champion was because EVERYONE else was injured. He does not deserve to even be in a WWE ring. So stop trying to present him as India's next greatest conquerer. And everyone please stop showing the year old clips of him winning the championship. He ain't ever gonna win again, no matter how many havans there are on the banks of the ganges. And please stop saying wrestlemania is the grandaddy of em' all. I know. When I hear an Indian reporter say it in his hinglish accent, a part of me dies. So please, go back to ignoring wrestling and I can go back to watching it without having "khelieh is going to win at the grannddd-dadeeeh of them AAAll" ringing in my head.

People with Kids living overseas:

People with kids living overseas should really need to stop telling me how different things there are. Yes, I know they don't have any servants there. Yes I know both your child and their wives/husbands/mistresses have jobs which keep them out of the house for more than 12 hours. I know that. I know things are different there. How? It's a different country. Furthermore, unless he is sending me part of the million dollars per year he makes, I really don't give a flying fuck. Thanks.

New Rules

The Indian version of New Rules:

People must stop protesting for every movie that releases. If you don't like a movie, don't go and see it. Our country is supposed to be a democracy. Give people some kind of freedom. And the thing is, your protest doesn't really impact the movie because it helps to keep it in the news. When a movie is being made, the people involved do not think "How the fuck can I offend more people?". Stop protesting and get a job.

Indian news channels must show actual news. Bollywood people doing each other is not breaking news. Clips from stupid reality shows is not news. If I wanted to watch crap like that, I would stick to doordarshan.

Singing competitions must stop making new singer overnight. Don't Shaan and Sonu Nigam have enough backup singers already. And the thing is, it doesn't really create singers. The winners usually end up hosting a singing show on the same/rival channel.

Can the stupid left parties shut up and let us sign the nuclear deal? Can they stop thinking about not pissing China off? China already has Indian territory illegally in Kashmir and wants the state of Arunachal Pradesh. And they also make poisonous pet food. And they are already pissed of at us for inventing chicken Manchurian. So Shut Up.

Political Parties have to stop hyperventilating on Valentines day every year. So people want to give each other candy. I mean, having processed fats is against Indian culture? Please. Am I the only one who has Bengali sweets?

Today's drinking game: A tequila shot every time Mayawati uses the word 'caste'.

Lastly, we get the government we vote for. So stop casting votes for Indian Idol and go out and vote for the government. Otherwise stop bitching.