The Revolving Doors of Indian Politics

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

It was late in the night. The year was 1998. The setting was a teevee studio in a remote corner of New Delhi. The participants in the discussion were then ‘senior Congress leader’ Sharad Pawar, bearded trampoline Prannoy Roy and a whole litany of non-Prannoy Roys, none of whom had fled the nest yet. As the votes came in, initial projections told us that – as expected – no party or coalition had a clear majority. As per its senior leader in the studio, the Congress was still intent on keeping the BJP out of power. When asked by one of the non-Prannoys how they would manage that, Pawar said that they would try to kiss and make up with the United Front. This shocked the non-Prannoy, who spent the next hour expressing his shock that the Congress was ready to prop up the same government that it had withdrawn support from twice in the last one year. It was ready to return to the status quo after foistering an expensive mid-term poll on the taxpayers. A political party playing politics! When did that start happening, the non-Prannoy wondered out loud.

This same naiveté was on display recently when we were informed that voter disenfranchisement enthusiast, Subramanian Swamy, was merging his one man party with the BJP. Because if there is one thing that the BJP needs, it’s another megalomaniac bigot who desperately wants to be Prime Minister. While scary music played over a montage of Swamy meeting and posing with various BJP leaders, questions were raised about how this came about. Wasn’t this the same guy who until a few years ago was the mortal enemy of one of the BJP’s tallest leaders? Didn’t he engineer the downfall of the first NDA government? All the Prannoys and non-Prannoys were shocked! Even though anyone who wasn’t in a coma would have seen this coming, the people whose job is to know things were dumbfounded.

Mortal enemies becoming best friends or best friends becoming mortal enemies is something that happens very often in Indian politics. As one irritating non-Prannoy never fails to remind us, a week is a long time in Indian politics. That is why our politicians’ favourite parlour game is ‘Six Degrees of Ajit Singh.’ The current civil aviation and the human embodiment of everything that is wrong with Indian politics has been in more parties than Suhel Seth at New Year’s eve. Almost every party or politician has been in an alliance with him at some stage in the past few decades. It’s sort of a rite of passage in Indian politics! Everybody has a mind-numbing, terrible, Ajit Singh anecdote. 

Political parties usually discover how horrible their former ally is as soon as they end their alliance. Like when the Trinamool Congress found out that the UPA is corrupt the day after they withdrew support. Or the current exchange of rhetoric between the BJP and the JD(U). Suddenly, the JD(U) finds the BJP communal and the BJP finds the JD(U) incompetent! You know what they say, keep your friends close for seventeen years and have no compunction in taking support from your enemies. Mulayam Singh Yadav never fails to remind people that the Congress party is a parasite on the Indian polity whose only purpose is its own sustenance. Yet, the Samajwadi Party is always the one to pull the UPA out of its self-made rubble. After the last general election, a humbled Mayawati declared her party’s support for the UPA, a year after trying to topple it to make herself the Prime Minister. Since our political parties don’t really have an ideology, they have no qualms in aligning with whoever gives them the best deal. 

Most of our politicians would like you to forget about the past. Smriti Irani once threatened to go on a ‘fast unto death’ if Modi didn’t resign but now she is one of his trusted lieutenants. Najma Heputulla found the BJP ‘politically acceptable’ and ‘totally secular’ when she figured the Congress wouldn’t be nominating her for another term in the Rajya Sabha. Buta Singh has been a minister in both Congress-led and BJP-led governments, but would like you to most remember him for being “Rajiv Gandhi’s #2,” according to whichever lowly intern was paid to edit his wikipedia page.

However, since August is now ‘Anna Hazare awareness month,’ it’s fitting that this week’s award for the most hilarious incident of hypocrisy goes to the un-caped anti-corruption crusader. Hazare, known hater of western ideas is now heading on an American junket. He is scheduled to ring the bell at the NASDAQ stock exchange. Apparently, the best way to fight corruption is letting yourself be used as a prop at the ground zero of crony capitalism. Looks like all that fasting made Ralegan Siddhi’s worst nightmare quite irony deficient.

As he felt the wheels of the plane touching the ground, Anna Hazare took off his ‘gandhi topi’ and put it in his bag. He wouldn’t need it for the next few days. Finally, he was going to be able to fulfil his childhood dream. He never imagined that he could ever travel to America. So he pretended to hate it. Now that he was here, he could live his life. Be himself, without being judged for it. All he wants to do is get a drink, find a nice lady to dance with and then take her to his hotel room. For how long has he denied himself these simple pleasures just because he was expected to? All that ends today! He could do anything here! And he wouldn’t need to explain his actions to anyone. “Whatever happens in America, stays in America,” he happily mumbled to himself. He felt his heart would burst with joy. Which was new to him, because since 1942, the only emotion he’d allowed himself to feel was acute misery. Seems like Christmas was going to be a little early this year.

Manmohan’s Minions Make Martyrs of Morons

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

It’s that time of the month again, when the UPA government tries to cancel the country’s Internet connection. While trying to handle another national crisis, the UPA, – spoiler alert! – made its 43225428746543th historic blunder, cementing its status as India’s #1 comedy troupe.  Faced with a serious show of no-confidence in the government apparatus by thousands of citizens fleeing back to the North East, the government performed it’s favourite form of exercise: doing too little too late and using the opportunity to settle its own scores.

First they oppose you, then they arrest you and then you turn into a popular public figure. The UPA has made a career of turning molehills into mountains. They are more paranoid than a person tripping on LSD who thinks that he just saw a unicorn. After spending the whole of last year turning every political opponent into a public martyr, they are now focussing all their energies feeding the persecution complex of people on the Internet.

As of the time of writing this article, the government continued to block various websites and twitter accounts belonging to people unsympathetic to their cause. Most of these had nothing to do with the recent crisis. Of course, since it was the UPA, the block was easily circumvented. They are not some sinister genius hell bent on world domination but a bunch of incompetent nincompoops who are led by a man who has spoken less words than a monk meditating in an undiscovered Himalayan mountain for the past two hundred years. They cannot be relied upon to even do something wrong properly.

They tell us that India is under the most dangerous cyber attack since the founding of the republic and the best defence they can come up with is blocking twitter accounts of people whose views they don’t subscribe to? How can we expect them to preserve the ‘integrity & sovereignty’ of the country if they can’t take a couple of jokes from some guy on the Internet? How do they conduct diplomatic negotiations, by holding their breath until the other side acquiesces to their demands?

Almost all our ‘political parties’ are really just cults with political power. Their only purpose of existence is to keep their infallible prophet-in-chief happy. All’s well that ends with a smile on the face of the ‘high command.’ None of them are really adept at handling any sort of criticism. Nor do they care what the people really think about them. And they’re going to do anything to make sure you keep your opinions to yourself. If they can’t buy you, they’ll bully you. If they can’t bully you, they’ll give you things to be worried about. If they can’t distract you, they can always call you an anti-national seditionist. And if that also doesn’t work, they can simply make you go away. Permanently.

Political parties are not the only ones who would like people on the Internet to put a sock in it. Recently, even Sagarika Ghose, a human person with less functional grey cells than the Pillsbury Doughboy, called for censorship of ‘social media.’ She’s not the only one. Even her counterpart on NDTV, the one who pretends to be the greatest thing to happen to Indian journalism since Huen-Tsang - because she once went to an army outpost during a war and binged on the soldiers’ limited rations – isn't a big fan of people who don’t possess a fancy journalism degree and yet still insist on having opinions. Not that any of our ‘news anchors’ report the news anymore. All we get is the same bunch of people saying the same things to each other in the same passive aggressive manner. It’s not news unless it can be shown with scary music playing in the background. Hey people starving in villages without electricity, if you want people to pay attention to you, invade the Indo-Chinese border. Why leave the studio when you can keep talking and still say nothing all day long? People love to watch a condescending asshole talk down to them, don’t they?

Trying to censor the Internet is like trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. If all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t do it, then you can’t either, ‘esteemed’ members of the establishment. Being on the Internet is like being trapped with a bunch of monkeys in a cage. You can duck all you want, but one of these days you’re going to end up with shit on your face. The best you can do is to wipe it off and hope that no one figures out where the stench is coming from.

Are you there Hillary? It's us, the Indian media . . .

The US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is on a three day visit to India. Or as the media would have you believe, HILLARY CLINTON TO MOVE TO INDIA.

As usual, since EVERYONE got to interview her, each channel branded their interview as an "exclusive". They even managed to ask the same questions.

Specially about the biggest MYSTERY that surrounds the India-US relationship:

Are we still hyphenated?

Did you dehyphenate us again?

C'mon, good woman tell us, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION?

The last time I saw so many people obsess about a dash was when artist Dash Snow passed on to the big orgy in the sky. By the end of it all, Hillary flipped them the bird and was like Why don't you mofos Hyphenate this?

There were other brilliant questions too. Noted journalist and blog hater Barkha Dutt asked Ms. Clinton to reaffirm her LOVE for India.

WTF was that? What are we, jilted lovers? Blow job buddies? When did we start dating America? And FYI, isn't he a little too old for us? We already had a bad experience when we dated the late Soviet Union? Can we stop with the dating old people now? Last time I checked, our country wasn't a playboy playmate.

Hillary also attended a town hall along with Arnab Goswami and Aamir Khan. There was so much ego in that room, if Neil Armstrong had gone back, he would have seen it from the moon. Also, what was Aamir Khan doing there? When did he become a government official? When did we elect him? Can anyone even pee in this country without involving someone from bollywood?

Oh, don't forget the pandering by all our "respected" journalists. Most of the conversation can be summed up by the following:

"ZOMG, are you for real? Are you made of taffy? We really LUURRRRVE YOU!! And your HUSBAND, PRESIDENT HORNDOG! He was such a ladykiller!! And we miss seeing George Bush smile like a smug asshole!!! We miss calling him an evil basted with such profound affection!! Oh, and by the way, say hi to your boss, President Hopey!! ALSO, DID WE MENTION WE LURRRRVE YOU? And please CAN YOU TOUCH OUR HAND? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE?????"

Someone managed to sneak in a real question and asked her about what she would do after the Obama administration would have completed their mandate of healing the world in about eight years? She said she might retire. Even though we all know she's going to run for President in 2016 because the only Republican left by that time would be Meghan McCain . And all Megan wants to do is become President of Twitter.

Although, to be fair to our media, no one asked her even a single question about Michael Jackson.

Suck on that, Larry King.

Later, after almost calling off her trip when she found out that no restaurant in Delhi had named a item on the menu after her like they did for Slick Willie and future world leader Chelsea, she managed to keep-it-together and meet environment minister and noted elitist, Jairam Ramesh. They both bonded over their commitment to climate change and their mutual love for old-school lesbian haircuts.

If this is how the media reacted to Hillary's visit, they really are going to go more batshit crazy when President Messiah visits next year, aren't they?

I can already imagine all the questions about dal and keema.

Sigh.

Give war a chance . . .

Indonesia declares War on "Hindu" Yoga


Following the lead of their wonderful and secular neighbours Malaysia, the clerics in Indonesia issued a fatwa against Yoga. Apparently, they took this decision after they saw Shilpa Shetty's latest Yoga DVD.


Sri Ram Sena declares War on Women

In a shocking and deplorable incident last week, on the eve of Republic Day, a large number of men who have nothing better to do in their life, except pick on people having fun, bullied and beat up four women in a Manglore city pub. The president of their cult later released a statement saying that "If people think that the Taliban are the only people who can use force to espouse sixth century values then they got another thing coming". Then he went back home to beat his wife for daring to lift her head while talking to him.


Rajathan CM declares War on Shopping

Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has come out strongly against the mall "culture" and said that hormonal young adults holding each other's hand while trying to buy a T-Shirt which says "Just Do It" is against Rajasthan's traditions. He added that he was all for upholding tradition. The tradition of underage girls getting married to men old enough to be their grandfather while their family goes into huge debt for her wedding dowry which they keep trying to pay for the rest of their life. Tradition which makes you warm and glowy inside.


..... And so does the Karnataka Chief Minister

The chief minister of Karnataka has promised the people in his state that he would not let "pub culture" grow. In a statement, he added that he and his party are in no way affiliated with the Sri Ram Sena, but would still like to "stop young people from drinking the alcohol and engaging in the sexual intercourse and having the inter-caste children".


NDTV declares War on Blogging

In what many hail as a win for free speech, poor & defenseless NDTV has forced a big mean blogger to withdraw and apologize for posting his opinion on his own blog. Sources who in no way are close to NDTV or any of it's affiliates told us that this is part of their plan to strike fear in the hearts of everyone who holds an opinion and wants to share it with a few dozen like minded people. Our sources also tell us about NDTV's plan to take over the world. We would have said more but our lips are sealed. By a court order.


MNS declares War on things of Pakistani origin

In an ultimate show of patriotism, the MNS made the owner of Karachi Sweet Shop change the name of his UnIndian and traitoresque shop to something more Indian. In fact, the owner of the shop even dared to complain to the Bombay police. Luckily, in the holy tradition of Indian democracy, the police "advised" the sweet shop owner to follow suit with the MNS diktat. This is another applause-worthy move by the MNS after banning books by Pakistani authors and sending self proclaimed comedians back to where they belong. No word yet on whether eating Lahori Meat is patriotic or not.

Memo to Jayanti Natrajan

Over the past few days as I watched the media go into overdrive and make a mash of the post blast coverage, there is one particular incident which sums up a lot of things.

Shobha De, questioned the government and questioned Sonia Gandhi on one of NDTV's programs. Jayanti Natrajan was supposed to speak on behalf of the Congress.

Now, Ms. Natrajan's response, besides toeing the party line and having nothing to add to the discussion, also reveled the political class's attitude towards the country.

She said that "How can Shobha De question Sonia Gandhi?".

You know, while this statement although is of a single sentence, the tone it was said in reveals a lot about the speaker.

What Ms. Natrajan meant to say was "Oh, you're Shobha De. You write books which have awkward sex scenes and you drink alcohol. How can you question Sonia Gandhi, the personification of God Almighty, himself?"

This just in: We don't live in Iran and Ms. Gandhi is not the Ayotullah. She goes around every election time asking for our votes. Her party is "running" rather ruining our country's government. Shobha De is a tax paying citizen of this country. I may not agree with everything or anything she says, but she has every right to say it. Because we live in a democracy. Free speech is guaranteed by our constitution. Not only Shobha De can question Mrs G, her driver can question Mrs. G, the guy who cleans the toilets in the Taj can question Mrs G, Bhappi fucking Lahri can question Mrs. G. We, the people of this country can question anyone who runs for political office. Because you are answerable to us. Mrs G is answerable to us. Little G, Rahul is answerable to us. If we don't like the way things are run, we will question you. Just because we haven't done that for the past sixty one years, doesn't mean that you take us for granted.

We pay for Mrs. G security cover. She has been rightly granted Z security that because there was a death threat against her. Now, Ms Natrajan, every Indian has a death threat against them. We all need to feel secure. We can't make 500 black commandos following each and every citizen, but we need to know that one day when we step out to eat sushi, it shouldn't mean that we don't ever come back.

Another thing Ms Natrajan said was "Why doesn't Shobha De run for the Chief Minister"?

That's like pointing towards the sky. saying "Look there goes a bird" and running away.

This is not just about her attitude towards Shobha De. This sums up her attitude towards anybody who questions the government: How dare you?

Okay, I'll apply the same logic to you. Why don't you spend one day in our shoes? Why don't you and your ilk go around town without those 1900 gunmen?

I thought so. You wouldn't even last a minute.

So please go back to the fan club you call a national party.