India wins seat on UN security council; takes over the world!

The Indian government has been hard at work trying to convince the rest of the world to start giving a fuck about our opinion. It would been simpler to get a twitter account or write a free article for the Huffington Post and bait everybody into listening, but I guess we don’t do simple things, due to our impending superpower status.

Speaking of superpower status, guess what? We finally got a seat on the UN Security council! YAY! We numba one, bitches! Suck on that, Pakistan!

Uh, what?

After A gap of 19 years, India will once again be at the UN high table — the Security Council — as a non-permanent member.

As many as 187 countries in the 192-member UN General Assembly voted for India, the largest support received by any country for a non-permanent seat in the past five years. India has been on the UNSC six times in the past.

Huh? It’s just a non-permanent seat? And we’ve already held it six times before? You mean to say we’re doing it again with our own sloppy seconds? That’s simply preposterous!

But, hey, so many countries voted for us. That should count for something, innit?

To be elected to the Council, candidate countries need a two-thirds majority of ballots of Member States that are present and voting in the 192-member Assembly. The seats are allocated on the basis of geographical groupings.

Colombia, India and South Africa ran unopposed and were elected to represent their respective regions, having received 186 votes, 187 votes and 182 votes, respectively, in the first round of balloting.

Ahem, so what? We won, that’s what counts right? Now we can set the agenda, make them talk about real issues, show them who’s boss, right? RIGHT?

Following their election, South Africa, India, Colombia, Germany and Portugal will become non-veto holding members of the Council in January with the mandate to impose sanctions, as well as deploy peacekeeping forces around the world.

That’s it? All we get to do is write strongly worded letters and referee stupid civil wars? We don’t even get a measly ten percent discount at the UN gift shop? This is so disappointing! It’s like attending a Broadway musical choreographed by straight people! Or being a fan of the Kolkata Knight Riders! Or winning an all-expenses-paid vacation to New Jersey!

This is so unfair. We so deserve to be on the security council. We invented the zero, bhangra music and Anil Kapoor.

Isn’t that reason enough for everyone to ask us out and make us prom king?

 

Five new countries elected to two-year terms on UN Security Council [Joy Online]
187 of 192 backing it, India gets UNSC seat [Indian Express]
South Africans “Ecstatic” over Security Council Selection [VoA]

Who wants to be a superpower?

The word on the street is that India is ready to finally rise and shine and take it's rightful place as one of the world's foremost superpowers. What is it about being a superpower that really attracts us? Besides giving nostalgic NRI's who meet every Sunday something other than marriage & food to talk about, what good is it, really?

Maybe it's because I never stayed in a hostel or joined the Boy Scouts, but I don't see the point of playing the geographical version of "Mine is Bigger".

If you look at the evidence, being a superpower is not all that it is cracked up to be.

Superpowers have to keep fighting wars. Even those which they have won. Did you know that there are still more than fifty thousand American soldiers stationed in Germany? Why? Probably just in case Germany gets that funny feeling in it's stomach and wants to try to take over the world again. No wonder McCain claimed that the US would be in Iraq for more than a hundred years. In India, we don't like wars. No, not because of the millions of lives that are fruitlessly lost. We don't like wars because they ruin the cricket season.

Superpowers also have to keep demonising an enemy with newer and newer stuff. We can't do that. We basically keep hugging Pakistan while it keeps stabbing us in the back. Also, the demonizing turns sadistic and people turn on each other (Does McCarthyism ring a bell? In fact, if had something like that in India, we would be like a nation of Vivek Oberois. That scares me. A lot).

Superpowers need to engineer & arrange coups in different parts of the world. Our intelligence department can't even arrange a dinner party.

Superpowers also need to keep messing with their smaller neighbors. And everyone knows that we love our smaller neighbours. Specially Bhutan, who we find so cute with their long robes and their pointy roofs. Let's face it, we quite love that little fella.

Superpowers also collect bad karma. As Sharon Stone told me one day during our yoga class with Deepak Chopra, Karma is a bitch. Between themselves, both the US and Russia have collected so much bad karma that it's coming to bite them in the ass. How else can you explain the career of Anastacia?

Then there is the superpower of yore, good ol' Britannia. If Britain were a person, it would presently be like a failed actor who shoots and releases his own 'sex-tape' which ends up getting him a half-hour "Where are they now?" special on VH1 and an interview with The Daily Mail. Even TMZ won't give a shit about that sucka.

A 'perk' of being a permanent member of the UN security council is something other former and current superpowers enjoy. Pfft. The security council reacts to events in two ways: (a) By issuing a strongly worded statement (b) By issuing a harsh, mean and really strongly worded statement which ends with an exclamation mark. The UN security council is as effective as my school's debate club. (Which, for the record, I was not part of. Why? Well, I think I was spending too much time studying the effects of medical marijuana. Also, the dude heading the debate team was sort of a cunt. Yes, I know. Sounds exactly like the guy who heads the United Nations!).

Being a member of the security council doesn't even get you tickets to a Depeche Mode concert. And no one really goes to their concerts! Also, despite all the rumors, there is no special supermarket for superpowers. It's just a sham, like the son of a deposed Nigerian prince and Shah Rukh Khan's marriage.

So instead of concentrating all our energy on being a "superpower", why not concentrate our energies somewhere else? Why not go in a different direction? A more saner one. Like Canada. Of course, you don't hear about Canada a lot. Which is a good thing. They've got healthcare for everyone, marriage equality, medical marijuana and authentic Punjabi cuisine. What's not to like?

Also, we're almost halfway there. So it won't take a huge effort. Like Canada, we have one huge national sport. Like Canada, our version of MTV sucks too. And as for the Prime Minister who looks like an old lesbian, well, for that we have Jairam Ramesh.

History is not something that can only useful to politicians so that they can distort it for their personal gain. It also helps us learn from the mistakes of the past.

So what we need to learn from history is that just like bell-bottoms and flannel shirts, being a superpower is so out of date.

It's a bird . . . It's a plane . . . No, it's Twitter-gate!!!

 

Leader of the freemasons, currently masquerading as Lok Sabha MP Shashi Tharoor (INC-Twittervantupuram) , who leaves clues for Robert Langdon on the internets,  has offended 'cows' because he dared to infer that they would enjoy the indignity of travelling by Indian Airlines' Economy class. The cows have all gone on mass sick leave, in protest.

Now since all the 'journalists' will be talking about this 'important' issue for the next week or so, here is the sequence of events for you to keep in mind while wasting away your life in front of the teevee:

United Nations operative 'Skeletor' Shashi Tharoor, used his secret weapon '@shashitharor' to make fun and challenge the authority of 'The Sorceress' living inside 10 Janpath Castle Greyskull. He embarrassed the both the sorceress and Prince Adam by daring to make light of their totally sincere attempt at austerity.

This angered both the sorceress and the young prince, who then decided to take charge and set the record straight. So they sent 'Man-at-arms' Jayanti Natrajan (who causes millions of children to cry everytime she appears on teevee) to defend them by huffing and puffing while talking to fellow human & TV anchor Evil-Lyn. They could not send He-Man because he had just been laid off due to the recession. He is now busy writing a book about Jinnah.

However, since by then the cat was out of the bag and all hell had broken loose, even all the king's horses and all the king's men could not put humpty-dumpty together.

The End

p.s. The links are NSFW because of horrible pun porn. 

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe [Wikipedia]
Tharoor in tweetle-class trouble [HT]
Cong slams Tharoor's (t)wits on cattle class [TOI]
Rahul Gandhi’s flying visit to Tamil Nadu cost over Rs.1 crore [The Hindu]

No trains were harmed while writing this post . . .

. . . because that would be like destroying my own money. And I'd rather spend it on stocking up on alcohol to use on "dry" days. But that's another story.

[Image Via IEXP]

Some officer concerned with the profitability of the Railways asked a few trains not to stop everytime someone gets up to take a leak. This didn't go well with some people, and they did the obvious, normal, rational thing. They burnt down the f'king train. Because that's what you do in this country when you want to bully the government. Get together a few dozen people who like to destroy stuff to compensate for being emasculated by their wives , have some masala chai and then burn down something which the government paid for with taxpayer money. Some people might have a legitimate concern but going from Level 1 to Level lets-burn-the-fucker-down is just plain stupid. Or incredibly brilliant. Depends on whether you're reading Ayn Rand or Paulo Cohelo. 

I know laws don't matter a lot in Bihar but let's make a new one. Anyone who burns trains or destroys public property actually does not get their demands met. This is the easiest way for anyone to force the government to do anything. Oh, I'm sorry, We already have such a law. It's the government's responsibility to protect our national property. It's our taxes we which pay for this. Letting these people go scot free encourages everyone else to do that too. In fact, that's what LAWS are for. If we really had a government which put country before petty regional politics, they would have said NO. People can be heard out and if their concerns are legitimate, they can be addressed. But not this way. Alas, since our government thinks that the taxpayer's money is their dowry stash, they magnanimously "forgive" these people. And then they lean back in their taxpayer funded chair while staying in their taxpayer funded house while being cooled by their taxpayer funded air conditioner. Then they go on television and dismiss the concerns of the taxpaying public as "elitist" opinions.

Gee, what does one have to do to knock some sense into these people?

Burn a train or something?

_______________________

India is about to get it's first woman speaker. The soft-spoken and former daughter of deputy PM Jagjivan Ram. [Note: The post of deputy PM is not of much consequence. It does not come with any real powers and is basically used to assuage huge egos. It's just like the head of the UN.]

I'd like to know whose brilliant idea this was? Has anyone heard Meira Kumar speak? One has to put the volume on max just to see her lips move. This time if any members of the lok sabha are gathered at the well of the house, they won't be protesting, they would be trying to HEAR the speaker. Her appointment is going to be like a stimulus package for the hearing aid industry.

______________________

Now that a new era of governance is upon us, India re-learns the fact that the Pakistani establishment is not serious about combating terror.

Really? What tipped you off, genius? Is it the fact that they still consider the Taliban which is TAKING OVER their country a strategic asset? Or the fact that the United States had to literally bribe the Pakistani Army to take on insurgents in their OWN country and protect the very people they are supposed to serve?

No, seriously. I'm curious to know what would make you believe that the Pakistani establishment would put an end to it's only export.

______________________

Two people returning from a vacation from the US bought along with them shares of general motors, an unlicensed gun, umpteen boxes of Ferrero rocher to gift to their relatives at every occasion and the dreaded pig virus which might or might not kill us all. Sounds like a really fun trip.

______________________

Laloo continues to be rejected by the people of Bihar, the people in Tripura are sick of the left, and Karunanidhi is to celebrate his birthday along with all his hundred wives and five thousand children. I wonder how Karunanidhi's family ever organises a surprise party? Do they all get together in a large stadium or an empty planet or something?

Oh, and someone please send him a telegram!

UN Anti-Racism conference ruined by Racism

The U.N conference on racism was doomed from the start. Not only were a few countries, including the US, Italy Israel, Australia, New Zealand, Poland and Germany boycotting it, the remaining delegates from the EU and Britain threatened to walk out if the forum was used for hate speech against Israel.

That's exactly what happened.

 

Can someone tell me who in their right mind would invite Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a racism conference?

Was the UN trying to be ironical?

Sure racism is a serious issue and it warrants discussion, but letting Ahmadinjad loose on the floor is completely the opposite way to go. It's like asking Micheal Jackson to address a Protect-your-child conference or asking Elizabeth Taylor to address a townhall where she answers questions about how to make a marriage last forever or asking Lindsay Lohan to enlist seven steps on how to keep your shit together or getting Paris Hilton to write a whitepapper on the ways to prevent STDs.

This guy denies the holocaust. Something which is historical fact. Just because some people who wrote fake holocaust memoirs which Oprah selected for her book club doesn't change history. This guy held a hold conference in Iran to deny the holocaust. Even Hitler's like "Dude . . . that's a bit too much". He also said that Iran has no homosexuals. Yes, that's because in Iran homosexuality is punishable by a death sentence. In fact, the government of Iran is so scared of "the gay" that they issued a fatwa against Cher.

If Mr Nutjob thinks that he's doing Iran a favour by making it sound like the most racist place in the world (killer slogan to increase tourism, by the way), then I think he celebrated 4/20 a little too hard.