Baby, it’s Cold Outside

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

The saviour of people caught in awkward situations who have nothing else to talk about, the weather, has been a ‘hot’ topic of conversation lately. Unless you’re a hibernating bear languishing in a remote cave, you’d notice that the weather seems to have gotten a tad bit cooler. In fact, it was so cold, Shashi Tharoor said something controversial just to be in hot water again. However, nothing really says winter is here than when people start questioning whether global warming is real. Apparently, some folks like to keep warm by shrouding themselves in ignorance.

The fact that we’re still debating the reality of global warming does not bode well for our future. In simple terms, this is what happens: Human activity causes a large amount of gases to be released into the atmosphere. The earth’s atmosphere traps these gases as well as the heat generated by them. This causes our glaciers to melt at a faster rate than the natural process can replenish them. Glaciers deflect about eighty percent of the heat from the sun. So when the glaciers start disappearing, this heat is instead absorbed by the earth. This increases the temperature of the planet, thus leading to ‘global warming.’  The expected outcome of global warming is an increase in extreme weather conditions. So the cold weather will get colder, the rains will get more torrential, hurricanes will get more powerful and volcanoes will erupt more frequently. Basically, the weather will be more chaotic than closing hour at the stock market.

Denying climate change is like denying gravity. If you don’t want to believe the scientists (because why would you want to believe thousands of smart people who have conducted comprehensive research and have released study after study presenting overwhelming evidence to support their claim?), the erratic nature of the weather is visible to everyone. There is nothing “natural” or “cyclical” about having a cold wave and a heat wave in the same year. The past decade has been the hottest decade since when we started recording temperatures. Each natural catastrophe seems to be the ‘worst ever’ in a long time. Earlier this month, Jerusalem was hit with the worst storm in twenty years. The storm was so bad that Jesus turned to God and said “Hey Dad, next time drop me off somewhere warmer. Like Siberia.” Luckily, the city and its surrounding area is full of mature adults known for their tolerance, patience and their apathy to overreaction so they handled the situation quite well.

Australia – which exists in a hipster hemisphere and usually spends its time relaxing on a beach in summer while the countries in the northern hemisphere are freezing in winter – is witnessing such unprecedented high temperatures this season that they had to add new colour codes to the weather map. This has finally woken up their government which is now urging greater global action to combat climate change.

Climate change is exactly the sort of area that needs governments to step up. Not only do we need governments to pass laws to decrease the amount of harmful gases and radiation we release into the atmosphere, we also need them to actually enforce those laws stringently. We need governments to invest in renewable energy. We also need them to use the tools available at their disposal to subsidise the adaptation of technology which uses renewable resources as an energy source. We also need the government to protect whatever remains of our ecology and not cede them to corporate interests’ intent on mining every inch of the planet. But that doesn’t seem on the cards. Developing countries like India and China don’t want to take any major steps to combat climate change because they feel that they just started to pollute the environment and it’s their turn to ruin the planet. Hey, I just got the party, at least let me snort a couple of lines of coke before you call the cops. Most of Europe is busy trying to stay afloat in a large pool of debt using German life-jackets so they don’t even want to think about anything else right now. And half of America thinks that the earth is getting warmer because god is giving us a hug.

One of the reasons of global warming that we seldom talk about is our increasing population. I don’t get people who still insist of procreating. The earth is crumbling, habitable land is decreasing, the climate is getting harsher and living conditions are getting slowly becoming unbearable. Yet, we insist on introducing another life onto this earth, even though there are millions of children without anybody to care for them suffering in orphanages or out on the streets, A very common excuse people give for bringing new human prisoners for our computer overlords running the matrix (WAKE UP SHEEPLE!), is that they want to create life which is “just like themselves.” Someone who carries on their “family name.” Because we’re still like primitive tribal folk on the inside! I mean, really? Do you think that you’re so special that the world needs more copies of you running around? Holy extreme rise in ego, batman!

In the future, when we’re living in unshapely, sterile soviet-esque ‘barrack-homes’ while roaming around in space suits attached with personal air-conditioner units - because the heat outside would make even Mars seem bearable - we’re really going to regret our inaction.

Hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.

You’re So Vain, You Probably Think This Article Is About You

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

As he switched off the teevee, he could see the sun rising from his window. However, today this view wouldn’t cheer him up. He had just watched the foreign policy debate between Obama and Romney and he was disappointed that India wasn’t even mentioned once. How many more times will he have to face such humiliation? He feels his country is just a dirty little secret for the President. He took billions of dollars of our hard-earned money and then totally forgot about us. Each time he ignores us, it’s a slap in the face of the awesome future we had planned together. How can you do that to us, Barry? How can you slap?

As a country full of people who need constant validation, it was no surprise that the main point of discussion after the Presidential debate broadcast was that no one mentioned India during the debate. We’re like that character in sitcom who only pays attention to what other people are saying only when they’re talking about him. Even though the debate revolved around which candidate would be more awesome at bombing more brown people, people were upset that no one gave us a shout-out. After all, we invented the zero, bhangra music and Anil Kapoor. Isn’t that reason enough for everyone to keep talking about us, all the time?

Our politicians, diplomats and journalists have a schizophrenic love/hate relationship with America and its President.

Our politicians love to blame the ‘ubiquitous’ foreign hand for everything they are unable to explain. A foreign hand is behind the grassroots protest against nuclear power. The foreign hand teaches people that Internet censorship is bad. The foreign hand is in your telephone, tapping all your calls. And yet, the very same people trample over each other to shake the foreign hand when he comes over for a visit.

Our diplomats carry around a secret boner for the Republicans. Especially for their knight in faux cowboy boots, George W.  Bush. Because he does things they have always wanted to do. He didn't worry about "global warming" or the "Geneva convention" or "International treaties"  and would bomb, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted. So what if a lot of civilians died as collateral damage? Who has time to find out if they’re bombing the right target or invading the right country when they’re busy choking on a pretzel? Christopher Columbus took a wrong turn - because he was using Apple Maps for navigation - and look how well it turned out for him. Republicans are always good for India! Who even remembers the time a Republican Administration sent a battleship to the Bay of Bengal to try to intimidate India during the ‘71 war or the time when another Republican administration funded the start of Osama Bin Laden and his ‘Jihad Jamboree.’ And don’t forget that while the last Republican administration might have given billions of dollars to the architect of the Kargil invasion to go shopping for weapons, they probably never intended to start another arms-race.  

Our news anchors act like entitled fangirls. They’re quite brave when they’re shouting at the teevee screen but turn to an embarrassing pile of mush once they’re actually faced with a member of the American government. One news anchor even asked Hillary Clinton on her first visit to India as Secretary of State to affirm America’s ‘love’ for India? What are we, a geopolitical entity or a girl in a rom-com who is about to lose her virginity to the wrong guy? Our journalists’ creepy obsession with America isn’t just limited to having a love-hate relationship with their political system. Our domestic news is also framed in American terms. Every terrorist attack in the country is India’s ‘9/11.’ Every government scandal is India’s ‘watergate.’ Every award ceremony in the country is India’s version of the Oscars. Aamir Khan’s teevee show talks about social issues, so naturally, he is India’s Oprah. And India has had more versions of Obama than the population of Kenya.

Our politicians, South Block mandarins and news anchors forget that only British Prime Ministers are constitutionally obligated to have unrequited feelings for the American President.

And that they’re supposed to get over him once he leaves office.

He knows that one day, Barry will be his friend. Until then he will sing Barry Can You Hear Me/Barry Can You See Me to the moon every night. He can take solace in the fact that some time in the near future, we will take our rightful place, right next to America, and both of us together will heal the world and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. One day Barry will come home. Until then he will do what he does best. After all, the nation deserves to know.

Copycat Democracy: Gangnam Style

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

I thought it would be a good idea to let him see where I work, so I invited him along. As soon as we entered my office, he began making a ruckus. Not only did he start shouting at random people, he began to break off pieces of the furniture and throw them at the cubicles on the other side of the isle. We were unable to do any work that day and had to suspend our proceedings. Serves me right for trying to celebrate ‘Bring Your MP to Work’ day.

Watching the Democratic National Convention while politicians in India continued to punch democracy in the face, gave a lot of people on twitter some pause. They were wondering why our polity is not more like America’s. ZOMG! Obama let a pizza shop owner give him a belly-to-belly suplex-hug. When will Sonia Gandhi/LK Advani/Manmohan Singh/Narendra Modi do that?

Whenever something terrible happens in our politics (which is almost every alternate day), people are always wondering why we couldn’t be more like America. We always want to adopt other country’s traditions..P.A. Sangma even called for a Presidential debate like the ones they hold during American elections. Which was great except for one thing: Presidents in India don’t really set policy. They’re supposed to sit there and parrot whatever the Prime Minister and his ‘council of ministers’ tell him. What would have Sangma and Mukherjee argued about in their hypothetical debates? That who would use better cutlery while entertaining creepy heads of state? Let’s import a system without first understanding how it works! Not that there aren’t things wrong with the American system; as some fellow once said, I like it but I have some notes.

Democracy is the art of selecting the person you feel will do the least damage to the country, even though sometimes a couple of people who care about actual policy and wanting to do some good manage to sneak in. In India, we don’t elect politicians based on their policy credentials. We elect them based on their last name or if they have the same caste as us or if they promise us a free colour teevee after the election. No one who is serious about tackling corruption or enacting laws that would benefit a large swathe of the populace will spend large amounts of illicit money providing potential voters with more alcohol than the other guy. The system of democracy always seems greener on the other side of the fence (unless the country on the other side of the fence is Pakistan. Then it’s a land so barren that it has less life than Mars). For example, many analysts in America have argued for a multi-party system’ while in India, we once lived under Prime Minister Deve Gowda, the best argument against a multi-party system.

People also lament the fact that we don’t have an Indian ‘Jon Stewart.’ That’s because as a country, we don’t have a sense of humour. We tend to take things very seriously. We get so worked up about shit that doesn’t matter. We even arrest people for ‘sedition.’

Sedition is blasphemy by another name. Both consist of perceived crimes against man-made symbols which must be protected from imaginary assault and both don’t belong in a democratic country. We think symbols of our democracy are more important than our democracy itself. These ‘symbols’ have survived wars, famine, emergency, assassinations, currency devaluation, coalition governments and terrorist attacks. Nothing is more insulting to them than the fact that we presume that they cannot handle being mocked by a shitty cartoonist.

We are unable to laugh at ourselves. We turn everything we like into a revered object that we expect everyone else in the world to also treat with ‘utmost respect.’  And we’re ready to gather into a mob and go on a rampage if they don’t.

In a healthy democracy, no god, no person and no symbol should be above being mocked.

Not even Sachin Tendulkar.

Don’t break my glass house, bro!

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Everybody’s favourite failed state and South Asia’s #1 source of terrorism and the sort of music which makes you want to rip your heart out, throw it in the air and shoot it with an AK-47 just to make yourself feel better, was having a ‘crisis of democracy’ again. Pakistan has had more crises of democracy than the number of dossiers the Indian government has sent them.

The Pakistani Supreme Court thought that the best way to preserve democracy was to kick it in the nuts and bloody it’s face with a sledgehammer. Prime Ministerial careers were dying faster than a North Korean rocket. Just like a superhero franchise losing popularity, Pakistan rebooted its government and appointed a new – allegedly corrupt – Prime Minister. What are the odds! If a guy who looks like Ratan Tata mated with Killer Khalsa cannot restore the trust of the people in democracy, I don’t know who can.

Speaking of failed states, Greece, the birthplace of democracy and toga parties, also got over it’s weird Nazi phase and elected a semi-coherent government. Since the new government is made of coalition partners diametrically opposed to each other, this bodes well for the Euro. Because if there is one thing coalition governments are good at, it’s taking tough, unpopular decisions.

Which brings us to Egypt. For the first time in modern history, Egypt has an almost-popularly elected President who is not beholden to the army. Since he belongs to the Muslim Brotherhood, right wing nutjobs all over the world are wetting their pants in both fear and gleeful anticipation depending on their chosen theocracy of allegiance. Are you saying that a ruthless dictator supported by the United States who was lording over a middle eastern country with an iron hand and who – among other things suppressed religion, and was overthrown by a revolution led by young people – has been replaced by religious parties? If only history had given us some indication that this would happen!

People presume that just because they ‘liked’ that photo of all the people gathered in Tahir Square and re-tweeted actual revolutionaries, that they have a say in who Egypt elects as President. They don’t! It’s like we’re telling them, Hey Egypt, you can have a democratically elected President as long as we get to approve who it is! Even if the new government goes south very soon, having had even a small say in the policies of the government which lords over them is a big step. The old system is not going to give way so easily. And democracy is not something you get right from the get-go. You’re always striving to be better at it. Democracy is the ability to choose which road you want to pave with your good intentions while you lazily saunter towards hell.

Back home in India, we still continue to try different combinations even after sixty four years. Our current head of government is a man who started playing ‘statue’ when he was five years old and till this day ignores everyone who asks him to ‘stop.’ The last President of America did not know his way around a pretzel. Democracy in Pakistan has had more false starts than a Scooter manufactured in the 80’s. Even people in Greece behave like amateurs when you send them to the voting booth. 

Dictatorships are like the iPhone. They may look good and have a controlled environment nearing perfection, but the slave labour required to achieve such a state remains invisible. Democracy is like Android. It’s messy, it’s chaotic, and nobody who makes it agrees with each other and it’s always in need of improvement.

Electing religious parties to government is not all that bad. Many countries have had governments led by parties which have religion deeply embedded into their DNA. It’s not like these governments started killing members of other . . .  

Uh-oh.

Be afraid, Egypt.

Be very afraid.

Hail to the Chief

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

India’s brother from another mother and the world’s #1 source of porn and engaging television shows, the United States of America, finally began its pivot to the general elections. Unlike in our country, being President in America actually means something. Not only do you get to live in your own palatial house, you can use your own personal plane to go on as many shopping jaunts as you want. Now, America takes its responsibility to elect a President very seriously. That is why elections for the next cycle begin as soon as a President is elected.

On the Republican side we have the guy who used to play Ridge Forester on the Bold and the Beautiful, Mitt Romney; representing the Democrats is the incumbent Fresh Prince of Washington DC, Barack Obama. Mitt Romney has been running for President since 2005. He never stopped running, even when he lost the nomination the last time to the guy who chose Sarah Palin as his running mate. This last year, even though Mittens was the presumed frontrunner, he still almost lost the nomination again, at various points during the primaries. The Republicans are as excited about having Mitt Romney as their candidate as bartenders in Delhi are excited about refusing a drink to Manu Sharma, so they tried all the other options-a crazy homeless lady from Minnesota, a guy who was once CEO of a pizza chain right out of a badly written SNL skit, a time traveller from the 1950s and the human personification of every ugly American stereotype ever-before settling for Mitt. In fact, Mitt Romney’s journey to the Republican nomination was littered with so many setbacks that bullied gay kids in small towns all over America were making ‘It Gets Better’ videos for him.

Mitt Romney is the bizarro Obama of this election cycle. The evangelist Republican base thinks his choice of religion is weird, the pundits who presume to speak for the American people would like to know who the real Mitt Romney is and everyone seems to be asking whether he is human enough.

Of course, our mandarins in South Block and their counterparts in the media will love Mitt Romney. Not only does he share their cold war mindset, he cannot stand up to powerful individuals in his own party because he has no real political base of his own. Romney is a feckless generic individual-with the charisma of a bottle of home-made disinfectant-who will say and do anything just to get elected. Where have I heard that before?

It is conventional wisdom in New Delhi that somehow Republicans are better for India. Which is strange, because as the last guy demonstrated, Republican Presidents usually break the world. An overwhelming majority of our foreign policy ‘experts’ and their ‘anonymous sources’ spent the first two years of the Obama Presidency talking about how the previous Bush administration was such a ‘good friend’ to India. Don't you remember how we could call ol' Dubya anytime of the night, to complain about how after gym class whenever we were in the locker room changing back into our casuals, Pakistan used to pick a fight with us to distract us so that China could sneak behind our back and empty a whole tube of Ben-Gay into our fresh, clean underwear. And Dubya used to huff and puff and threaten to blow someone's house down! Meanwhile, Chocolate Gandhi does not even bother poke us back on facebook.

However, the pundits stopped breathing fire and brimstone once Obama came to visit us to whisper nice romantic things into our ear while we relaxed on the back seat of his plush limo. No one even remembered President Woody the Cowboy anymore. That is because we conduct our foreign policy with the same combination of neediness and brooding that Bella from the Twilight series conducts her love-life. And just like her, our only objective seems to be getting a very old, pale white guy to give us his undivided attention.

The most hilarious part is watching Indian analysts grapple with American elections. Their usual habit is to pay attention to it only when someone says something bad and truthful about Pakistan, which helps our news channels spend a week gloating about how we are not hyphenated with you-know-who anymore or when someone says something racist about outsourcing, which helps our news channels spend a week gloating about how America is now scared of India’s growing economic prowess. Watching Indian analysts interpret American politics is like watching the tele-tubbies interpret complex mathematical equations.

What we need is a reality check from someone who has been there, done that – a commentator who really knows how American elections work.

I hear that a handsome soap opera protagonist might be free after November.

India & America to continue to make love to each other, despite having insignificant others

While all of you were busy trying to drink away the cold weather (or was that just me), something important was brewing in a land, far, far away.

The White House is to throw a lavish reception for the Chinese leader, Hu Jintao, on Wednesday in an effort to patch up relations after a difficult year dominated by tensions over currency rates, jobs, North Korea and other international issues. President Hu is due in Washington tomorrow for the start of a four-day visit, the highlight of which is to be a state dinner at the White House on Wednesday evening.

WHAT?

Isn’t that cheating?

How can America make relations with China, behind our backs? Wasn’t it just last November when President Barry America swept us off our feet by uttering those magic words “Permanent Member of the Security Council”. Whenever our other diplomatic initiatives were rebuked by other countries, we took solace in the fact that maybe one day, we would take our rightful place, right next to America, and both of us together would heal the world and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race!

Is this why we gave you billions of dollars of our hard earned money, Barry? Is this how you repay us? How can you do that to us, Barry? What about all the nice things you said to us in the backseat of your plush limo? Were those a lie too? Did you think we would never find out? This is a slap in the face of the awesome future we had planned together. How can you do that to us, Barry? HOW CAN YOU SLAP?

Tell us that it’s not true, Barry. Tell us you’re only doing it because you owe China some money.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh got a state dinner when he came here in 2009 as President Barack Obama's first state guest. Chinese President Hu Jintao is getting one too, but commentators are discussing it as if it was completely unexpected.

This and other comparisons are being drawn between India and China in a triangular relationship with the US, going right up to the White House itself, unsolicited and unprompted. Shortly before Hu arrived on Tuesday, Obama's press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters not to expect deliverables to match those of the India visit.

See? Barry could never do that to us. His mouth may say Kung Pao Chicken, but in his heart there is only place for Chicken Malai Tikka.

It’s okay with us, Barry. We understand your relationship with China is just fiscal! We can’t always be together. We’re not jealous. In fact, we have a confession to make. It seems like we might have had a short fling with France (it’s how you say “hello” in France), a one night stand with the poor man’s Canada Britain (but that was basically pity sex. We feel bad for the fella. Nobody even asks him out anymore. Even his neighbours ignore him all the time), and we even fondly remember the time when Russia date raped us (Bygones. Can’t blame him, though. He was in Delhi). What we want you to know Barry is that we were thinking about you all the time!

Both of us may stray, Barry, but we know that each of us will come back home! At the end of the day, our relationship is the winner!

That’s what everybody else seems to be thinking too:

Even the think tanks seem a little under-enthused. Though papers are being presented and talks are being hosted, the buzz is missing. "The bottom line is that no one expects dramatic breakthroughs with the Hu visit," said Richard Fontaine of the Centre for New American Security. Though corporate deals worth billions are expected to be announced over the next two days, the high-voltage success of Obama's visit to India in November might have raised the bar for visits of this kind.

"This is a little different from our trip to India. The economic relationship that we have with the Chinese is different on a scale with what we do with India," Gibbs told reporters.

ZOMG! In this relationship, we are the Betty Cooper to America’s Archie Andrews. And China is mean ol’ Veronica Lodge, with all her money and charm and her scandalous short skirts. Archie may take Veronica dancing every Saturday night, but he always spends Sunday afternoon making cookies with Betty. Betty might have to do all the work while Archie just sits there watching teevee, but, still, Betty loves to make cookies. In fact, Betty lives for all those Sundays she can make cookies for Archie. If Betty could spend the rest of her life making cookies for Archie, she would consider it a life well spent.

In fact, we have so much trust in Barry’s love that we even wrote a song* for him:

Barry, can you hear me?
Barry, can you see me?
Barry can you find me in the night?
Barry are you near me?
Barry, can you hear me?
Barry, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye
And closed its doors?
The night is so much darker;
The wind is so much colder;
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone.
Barry, please forgive me.
Try to understand me;
Barry, don’t you know I had no choice?
Anything I'm saying
Even though the night is filled with voices?
I remember everything you taught me
Every book I've ever read...
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller;
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright...
Barry, how I love you...
Barry, how I need you.
Barry, how I miss you
Kissing me good night...

No 'Hu' and cry over Chinese Prez visit, US prefers India [HT]
* Original song by Barbra Streisand from the film Yenti [Wikipedia]

Armageddon is almost here: Pakistanis in America pretending to be Indians!

According to this Reuters report, Pakistanis in America are pretending to be . . .  wait for it . . . . . wait some more . . .  . INDIANS!

"A lot of Pakistanis can't get jobs after 9/11 and now it's even worse," said Asghar Choudhri, an accountant and chairman of Brooklyn's Pakistani American Merchant Association. "They are now pretending they are Indian so they can get a job."

This news has made everyone at TImes Now come in their pants. Jinnah is rolling in his grave, and has started hitting the bottle again. Gandhi is smiling, not because he heard this news, but because he made friends with Che Guevara in freedom fighter heaven and he’s high. Nehru just shrugged and is continuously eating Lady Mountbatten’s head by telling her that he knew this day would come. And Sardar Patel is still mad at Hari Singh because WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG TO SIGN THE DAMN THING, HARI?

Anyways, this is big news in the subcontinent, because this is even bigger than Arsenal fans trying to pass for fans of Manchester United! (Or vice versa! Or do all the kids love Chelsea these days? Real Madrid? Delhi Daredevils? Facebook United? I DON’T REALLY KNOW THESE THINGS!) or Red Sox fans cheering for the Yankees!

This is so because India and Pakistan were roommates almost six decades ago and had a really bad separation. And everyone is still bitter about it, mostly because Pakistan took India’s Kenny Chesney CD collection. EVEN THOUGH INDIA BOUGHT ALL THE CDs. And now, India is in a polygamous relationship with America and a few European countries and Pakistan is in a monogamous relationship with China, which is unhealthy because China always insists on being on top.

Anyway, this nationality switcheroo seems a bit strange, because most racist Americans (i.e. Republicans/people from Arizona) don’t know an Indian from a Pakistani. For them there are only two types of brown people. One is all those people from Burritoville, who bring up their kids, mow their lawn and sleep with their wives. Everyone else is an Ay’rab [sic], who do their taxes, make funny smelling food and watch those musical movies.

However, on this blog we are nothing but fair (snigger!), so here are some helpful tips for all those people who want to pass as a person of Indian origin living overseas:

9. Find out who Rajan Zed is – If I wanted to tell you, I wouldn’t say “find out”, now would I? This is important not because you need to agree with him, but whenever someone asks you where you are from, you can always answer with “Did you hear what Rajan Zed said now? . . .  Can you believe that guy? Sheesh”. Also, this might even lead to guest blogging opportunities at Sepia Mutiny.

8. Watch and love every hindi movie ever made – Not only is it important to watch those movies, you HAVE to like them. Even the crappy ones. And it is your solemn national duty to defend them in front of people who don’t like them. Even if your argument doesn’t make any sense.

7. Join the Narendra Modi fan club – You need to spend at least two hours everyday trolling the interwebs for blogs/articles/tweets about “NaMo” or any of his other brethren and attack whoever dares to write about them, without even reading what the blog/article/tweet is all about. If you don’t know what to write, just throw in the following in your word salad: “The mainstream media sucks, Congress bias, something something Sonia Gandhi and/or Rahul Gandhi”. Check the comments on www.rediff.com for more inspiration.

6. Always act guilty around your parents – A sure sign of Indian upbringing is when you see a perfectly normal, confident person act like a bumbling idiot in front of his or her parents. No matter how successful you get, no matter how much money you have, your parents will always make you feel guilty. You can’t fight thousands of years of civilisation. (Which reminds me, Mom, Dad, if you are reading this, then please remember that I didn’t do anything. I WAS TRICKED INTO WRITING ALL OF THESE THINGS). 

5. Excel at science and/or medicine – Let’s face it. Most kids of NRI’s are ready to do their PhD’s before they celebrate their tenth birthday. As to why, refer to reason no. 6. Hey, don’t take my word for it.

4. Don’t marry your cousin – That is because then you’ll be mistaken for someone from Arkansas. And believe me, you’d rather be from the caves of Tora Bora than from Arkansas.

3. Whenever someone tells you that your English is really good, thank them and inform them that their English is heavily accented.

2. Don’t kill your wife -- No, seriously. Don’t.

And the #1 most important thing to keep in mind while trying to pass as Indian in America:

*cue drum roll*

1. Don’t blow shit up.

Bada Bing, Bada boom . . . G’night everyone!

Dear Indian media and south block diplomats, Barack Obama is not your boyfriend

So Manmohan Singh is back in Washington, because "The Barack Obama" invited him, to steal all of India's nukes and then distribute them equally between Pakistan and China, because he hates outsourcing?!

Anyways, it's that time of the year again, whenever there is some official level interaction between the Indian and American governments, everyone in the Indian media, print or teevee, has just has one question and one question only: WHAT IS THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION? IS IT BACK? HAS IT GONE AWAY? IT'S BACK ISN'T IT? OR HAS IT GONE AWAY? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? WAIT, WHAT IS THIS NEW SHINY OBJECT YOU'RE HOLDING? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE NEW, SHINY OBJECT. . . .

Everyone (the media and their "anonymous sources" in South Block) keeps talking about how the previous Bush administration was such a "good friend" to India. Don't you remember how we could call ol' Dubya anytime of the night, to complain about how after gym class whenever we were in the locker room changing back into our casuals, Pakistan used to pick a fight with us to distract us so that China could sneak behind our back and empty a whole tube of ben-gay into our fresh, clean underwear. And Dubya used to huff and puff and threaten to blow someone's house down!

And this Obama, he doesn't even poke us back on facebook! What a big 'ol meanie!

Despite the fact that by Dubya did more to upset the Indo-Pak defence "equilibrium", then any other American President before him, he's still missed by everyone, and is seen as a "good friend" to India. The reason that is set in stone is because of the Indo-US nuclear power deal. Even though that was signed not because our buddy had a soft-spot for India, but because it was good for American business interests. Which is why countries usually do business with other countries, because it benefits them in some way or the other!

Shocking! I know!

The truth is that, Bush gave all those little girls in the media and South block a lady boner because just like them he didn't worry about "global warming" or the "Geneva convention" or "International treaties" etc. He would bomb, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted! He was their brave, white knight in faux cowboy boots, out there killing the bad guys! Even though most of the times the bad guys turn out to be innocent civilians!

And this new guy, Chocolate Gandhi, wants to talk about all those gay things like "nuclear disarmament" and "cutting carbon emissions" and wants to withdraw his army from Afghanistan and Iraq. Gee, what a homo! Whoever has ever even heard of "nuclear disarmament" in our country?

Of course, right now, India and the US have different goals, internationally.  Obama is not here to make friends. He's looking out for his own country's interest, and we should look out for ours. Which doesn't mean that both countries can't be "friendly" with each other and go out for a beer once in six months or  spoon each other every few years (NO HOMO). It's really hard for our media to comprehend the fact that two adults can be friends without actually agreeing on everything. What else do you expect? These are the same people who morphed Amitabh Bachchan's gig of becoming Gujarat's brand ambassador into WHY DID AMITABH BACHCHAN PERSONALLY KILL EVERYONE IN GUJARAT, IN 2002?

The fact of the matter is that even if Barack Obama forcefully lands in Pakistan, bitch slaps Zardari and then pees on Jinnah's grave, our news anchors will find some way to complain about how his actions prove his negativity towards India (I can already imagine Arnab Goswami asking G Parthasarthy "Does his peeing over Jinnah's grave mean that Obama is trying to melt the frozen dialogue with the Taliban?"). All these insinuations are usually for the viewers/readers benefit. Whenever someone from the Obama administration comes a-knockin, they gush over them like a creepy overage Justin Beiber fangirl!

Someone needs to remind them that this is international politics. It requires a little more nuance than what is required during the weekly meeting of the Lajpat Nagar Traders Association (Regd).

Everyone is retarded, today!

India's #1 platonic comical duo Amar Singh and Jayapradha have been suspended from their party. While Amar has the sads, according to Jayapradha, she is neither 'happy' nor 'sad'. Well, she must want everyone to read her j-j-j-j-joker face. [The Hindu]

After a year and half of saying that there will be no dialogue with the Pakistani government, the Indian government has decided to re-start the dialogue with Pakistan. So that retarded 'Aman weds Aasha' campaign finally worked!1! [HT]

While the Indian and Pakistani diplomats exchange frozen mangoes, a tribe of dangerous dandruff-beard people wants to start Jehadin' again. They must be angry because they weren't included in the IPL, maybe?! [Indian Express]

Miserable old coot Bal Thackeray wants famous movie person Shah Rukh Khan to take his freedom of speech and move to twitter. Meanwhile, famous movie person Shah Rukh Khan just wants EVERYONE TO WATCH HIS GODDAMN MOVIE, in which he plays Shah Rukh Khan playing a retarded version of a person suffering from Asperger's syndrome. [HT]

Pakistan's ambassador to Saudi Arabia is a dick. Literally. [FP]

Obama is scheduled to meet the Dalai Lama later this month even though China has threatened to stop sending the US free Farmville goodies on Facebook if he goes ahead with the meeting. Obama is really eager to met the Dalai Lama because he rarely gets a chance to meet a fellow messiah. [The Guardian]

Director of Moulin Rouge & Australia, Baz Luhrman is currently touring India, for charitable purposes. He wants to make a movie with the Bachchans and AR Rahman. Ugh. Dude, that would be WORSE than a punch in the face, so why don't you just Baz away?. [The Hindu]

NBC is like the Shivraj Patil of American television

The greyest lady of all in newsbusiness, the New York Times, is to start charging people for reading their online edition from 2011. Which is funny because by 2011 we'll all be getting our news from the twitter client embedded in our brain. [Mediabistro]

The people of Massachusetts elected a crazy, wingnutty cosmo centerfold to replace Ted Kennedy in the US Senate. This gives the Republicans a 41-59 majority, which will somehow finally kill the world in 2012. Just like the Mayans predicted. [Gawker]

The Italian Prime Minister (aka the ND Tiwari of Europe) could even teach Indian politicians a thing or two about having your cake and eating it too. [WashPost]

Famous teevee journalist who writes books about food and hosts shows about getting stuff  custom made for yourself, thinks that bloggers and twatters are elitists. [Vir Sanghvi via FlyYouFools]

Shivraj "Crazy McPants" Patil and his extensive wardrobe are being rewarded for their performance as India's best minister of 'home' by being made Governor of Punjab. After this was announced, Patil, as is his habit, announced that "we will ensure that the perpetrators of this horrible incident will be caught and bought to justice". And then he wet his pants.  [Zee News]

Good news for all those stuck in the office because you don't really want to spend time with your significant other. The IPL will now be broadcast for free on You Tube. This will be even better than the teevee broadcast because you won't have to hear Ravi Shastri's "commentary" & "analysis" during the match. Another #win for the internets.  [Techie Buzz]

The NBC late-night show brouhaha is not just good for a few jokes, it's also a good business lesson. You can use this to make a PPT for the next company 'retreat' (if you work for a company which has enough money to have one) and sound all cool and zeitgesty. And if you really want the presentation to be a hit, make sure to end by making a joke about Jay Leno's huge chin. [WSJ]

Finally, in case you haven't already heard, Bill Gates joined twitter. He gets followed 208 times per minute. He also makes millions of dollars per minute. I fear that this is headed towards the all new Bill-Gates-will-donate-a-million-dollars-to-charity-for-every-follower-he-has spam meme. Kidding. He will probably give all his followers a free copy of Windows 7!  [PC Mag]

The future is finally here: Scientifically accurate predictions for the next awful ten years of your life

Even though the jury is still out on whether this is technically the start of the new decade or not, we are simply going to ignore all that and just like the mainstream media do whatever the hell we want to. Since everyone and their mother have summed up the last decade in hundreds of nauseating ways, we thought that we would channel the dead spirit of nostradamus (and the people who were pretty darn sure that Iraq had WMD's) and just like them, based on absolutely nothing, come with predictions which might or might not be true. Who really knows or cares because isn't everything printed on the internets the gospel truth?

The decade will start by forcing everyone who wants to travel in an airplane to basically travel nude because some dipshit who got tired of scamming people by pretending to be the son of a deposed prince and then wanted to blow up his crotch to prove a point which no one really knows (or as Joe Liberman put it, 'preemptive War on any Muslim sounding country'). Since no luggage will be provided, airlines will try to recoup their losses by charging people with large body parts more money under 'extra baggage'. Emo kids and reality teevee stars will also be asked to pay double, due to their large amount of emotional baggage.

If no celebrities will die then Larry king will get Nancy Regan to séance with Michael Jackson's ghost in which he will finally confess to being a white catholic Republican lady in disguise. This will ensure that Jebus forgives all his 'alleged' child-porn sins.

The oracle of hope, President Obama, will win the 2012 election by default because Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin will end up inadvertently shooting each other in their Last Hunter Standing match at Wrestlemania, which would be held to decide the nomination for the Republican candidate.

The green movement in Iran will finally win their fight for electoral reform. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will escape to America where he will be hired as a contributor to Fox News wherein his only task would be to appear on the screen for five minutes during the Glenn Beck show and make scary faces while continuously shouting "Death to Diet Bagels".

Sometime during the decade, Arnab Goswami will get tired of shouting at the camera and decide to take matters into his own hand and will invade Pakistan along with Farook Dhondy and Suhel Seth.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari will gay-marry Hussain Sharrif so that their love-child, Benazir Bilawal Asif Nawaz Hussain Zardari Bhutto Sharif, will become the youngest President of Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh will cite 'health grounds' and Jayanti Natrajan's body odour in his resignation letter to future astronaut and current President, Prathibha Patil, which will pave the way for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of both the India's, the 'real one' (which only exists in Madhur Bhandarkar movies) and the 'fake one' (which only exists in Karan Johar movies).

96 year old ND Tiwari will become the Governor of India's 137th state, which will solely consist of all the children he has 'allegedly' illegally sired over these years. He will continue to have orgies in the Governor's mansion.

However, all the screwing will stop when Narendra Modi and his merry band of non-voting NRI's, who will make it compulsory for everyone to vote for them, take over and no one will ever have sex in India ever again.

Have a great decade, people! If this doesn't make you look forward to it, I don't know what will.

Dr. Singh goes to Washington

Even though Prime Minister Singh and Mrs Kaur would have rather stayed at home with the Obamas and enjoy Michelle's world-famous Pecan Pie after playing a game of charades, President Obama threw together a fancy-schmancy dinner party for the leader of the ghee world along with 400 other distinguished guests and Joe Biden.

The toast given by both were short and sweet. Obama quoted Nehru and Singh quoted Lincoln. Even though everyone knew that both of them got some underpaid assistant to copy that from Wikipedia, both were applauded for their knowledge of each other's culture. Although, Obama won this competition because he welcomed everybody in hindi. And you know how we macacaz simply go all crazy when someone foreign speaks in one of our languages. You could almost hear the Prime Minister mumbling in his head "Oh Barack, you complete me!!".

After the speeches were over the guests dug into scrumptious potato and eggplant salad (ugh) and roasted potato dumplings in tomato chutney (double ugh. Although, CHUTNEY!). There was this weird moment when they announced that they would be serving Pumpkin Pie Tart which made everyone look towards the stage because they thought it was the cue for Sarah Palin to do some dramatic reading from her new book which has replaced the bible as the biggest selling book of all time. Which did not happen because Sarah Palin went rogue and was stuffing her face with good ol' American turkey in some good ol' city in the "real" America. No self-respecting hockey mom would be caught dead in a elitist state dinner full of stuffy east coast liberals eating hippie food like chickpeas and okra.

Everyone was dressed in their elegant best and supposedly the flower arrangements around the tables were a homage to the Indian peacock. Which begs the question, what happened to the Indian peacock?

The guests were an eclectic mix of people from the fields of politics, business and entertainment, none of whom would be caught dead in a reality show.

There were many Indian-Americans and Indian-Indians among the guests. There was Obama's weed czar, Kal "Kumar" Penn, America's favourite sweetheart surgeon Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Louisiana Governor and spelling bee champion Bobby Jindal, who was regaling everyone with his unintentional impression of Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. While Fareed Zakaria and Rajiv Chandershakeran were making Zardari jokes, Ratan Tata and Mukesh Ambani were probably eyeing each other suspiciously. Also spotted was Jhumpa Lahri, making furious notes on a napkin about a new story in which the son of a Bengali immigrant in America gets elected to the highest office in the world,  as the host of the Oprah Winfrey show.  Nobel laureate Amratya Sen was heard explaining his idea of justice for millions of downtrodden people to Deepak Chopra. Deepak then explained to Amratya that  hunger is a man-made desire which can easily be overcome by subscribing to the new (& improved) patented personal program, The Deepak Chopra 12 New Yoga Positions to Eliminate Hunger. M. Night Shayamalam and his wife were eating the PB & J sandwiches they brought from home because Night doesn't trust anyone. Anyone. Airtel honcho Sunil Mittal was seen going out of the tent to take a call, because his phone wasn't getting any signals inside. He then kept asking the caller whether they could hear him now! Steven Spielberg, who is now an honorary Indian-American because he is property of Anil Ambani, was also there, probably discussing with Pepsi honcho Indira Nooyi about making a bi-lingual biopic about her life.

There were also a lot of distinguished American-Americans present at the dinner. There was Colin Powell, telling anyone who would lend him an ear about how he was tricked into lying at the UN. All three of the Pelosis were also in attendance. Nancy, Paul and Nancy's face were just like a family. Uber-producer David Geffen was also there, with his partner, Jeffery Katzenberg. Although Mrs. Kaur kept referring to Jeffery as David's "roommate", accompanied by a wink. And since Oprah could not make it, she sent her "roommate" *wink, wink*, Gayle King.

It was not all fun & games. There was also important state business conducted at the dinner. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was heard teaching National Security Advisor MK Narayanan on how to intimidate your subordinates by alternating between starving them and calling them MoFo's. External affairs minister SM Krishna and Secretary Clinton both agreed that if newly sworn in Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai wants to be taken seriously, he has to ditch that damn Harlem pimp coat he never leaves home without.

The entertainment was provided by Jennifer Hudson and AR Rahman, among others. Adam Lambert's appearance was cancelled at the last minute because having more then two gay people in attendance would alienate one of Obama's core constituency, rednecks & retards.

It was a fun evening for those attending although some people were disappointed that Katie Couric didn't get drunk enough to start doing her thang. There was just one awkward moment when Joe Biden asked Prime Minister Singh to help him with those pesky pop-ups he gets everytime he tries to send an email. To shut Joe up, President Obama kneed him on the "Bidens" and he was taken away by the secret service to be put back into his cage. Obama then reassured a visibly shaken Dr. Singh not to worry because that was just Joe being Joe.

As they say, all's well that ends with Joe Biden shooting his mouth.

 

State Dinner Menu [Gawker]
State Dinner Guest list [HuffPo]
Manmohan/Obama toast [HuffPo]

Photo Credit: The Daily Beast

The beagle has landed

 
Manmohan, dude, could you at least get your safari suit dry cleaned?

 

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh arrived in Washington on Sunday afternoon, for a five day "state" visit. Now, no one really knows what a state visit means, but everyone agrees it's sort of important, like the American Idol season finale or Tyra Banks opinion on America's Next Top Model.

Let's see what the demi-gods of our times, the conscious keepers of our nation, those wonderful people who tell you what you need to think, journalists are saying:

DNA wants our jumpy foreign office to stop being so paranoid:

Serious strains in Sino-US relations are showing up barely days after US president Barack Obama concluded a conciliatory visit to China, and ahead of Singh's visit to the US. These belie the paranoid perception from New Delhi that an emerging Washington-Beijing entente is selling India's interests short. In particular, a paragraph in the Sino-US joint statement at the conclusion of Obama's visit, which commits the two countries to promoting peace in South Asia, has given rise to much Indian angst over China being given a "policing role" over Indo-Pakistan relations.

Some analysts caution against the risk of investing too much authority to sentiments reflected in joint statements. "A joint statement is less binding than, say, a joint declaration," points out Pang Zhongying, professor of international relations at Renmin University in Beijing. "If the two sides were sure they wanted to work together, they would have issued a declaration."

Dude, didja forget that our whole foreign policy is based on paranoia? Most of the people in our ministry of external affairs are only seen in public when we have to denounce a statement made by some crazy fuck in Pakistan or some godforsaken "newspaper" in China. But, hey, if it is already broken, why even try to fix it?

Our ambassador to the US, Meera Shankar, thinks that India wants Indo-US ties to be more than just a B2B relationship:

. . . defence relations have seen steady progress as an important aspect of the strategic partnership. Our Defence Policy Group (DPG) and its sub-groups, which meet annually, have acquired substance and depth in their deliberations. There has been an increase in the interaction between our armed forces. All our three services now conduct annual exercises with their US counterparts. At the same time, we are also looking at the US as one of the possible suppliers of weapon systems as we continue to modernize our armed forces. We would like the relationship not just to be limited to a buyer-seller relationship but also to move into areas of joint development and transfer of technology. Our armed forces are also cooperating in areas such as maritime security, which is vital to economic and national interests of both our countries.

Yay. Both our armed forces are ready to take on China the minute the US repays back all the money it owes to home of the dragon.

The US and India will also be signing a pact to cooperate on 'counter-terrorism':

US and India will sign a pact on intelligence sharing and counter-terrorism during the Prime Minister's visit, one of nearly a dozen agreements to be inked during the visit. Details of the pact are not being disclosed yet, but such was the importance of the agreement that CIA Director Leon Panetta flew down to New Delhi last week to discuss details with his Indian counterparts before the fine print could be drawn up. The agreement could involve exchanging and stationing more intelligence personnel in the two countries, including mobile units, to facilitate better interaction.
Initiative for the intelligence upgrade, including ''technical means,'' has come from the US side after Washington finally realized the fallacy of distinguishing Pakistani terrorist groups such as Lashkar-e-Taiba from al-Qaida, a grasp that has been brought home by the latest episode involving the terror suspect duo of Tawassur Rana and Daood Gilani aka David Headley.

Does this mean our guys get to ask Rana why he was metaphorically sodomizing Rahul Bhatt?

Now, there are some people who borrow a page from the Obama campaign and lower expectations:

When Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and his team land at the Andrews Air Force Base in nearby Maryland on Sunday afternoon (early Monday in India) for the first state visited hosted by the Obama administration, they will find a capital region that is bathed in sunshine, although there is a nip in the air that presages winter, and trees are devoid of foliage, autumn having been swept out.

[snip]

However, circumspection is expected to be the order of the day, even though if you go by the fact that this is Singh’s second state visit and the third hosted for India in less than a decade (more than any other country), you’d think the two countries are more than just natural allies or strategic partners . While there is an element of security in the bilateral relationship, India and the US are not allies in the conventional sense and are not likely to be so any time soon, says Walter Anderson, a veteran South Asia hand. His advice: "India will have to formulate its own strategy vis-a-vis its neighbourhood devoid of any unrealistic expectations from Washington, despite the perceived closeness.’’

For a minute there, I thought I was in an Indian novel, with the talk of all the sunshine and the foliage. Before this, I used to think I was the world's worst metaphor writer. Clearly, someone has me beat. 

Now, if for a minute, have you ever wondered how this visit would have been reported in the Soviet Union fifty years ago? Well, if you have, this is your lucky day, because our second most favourite insufferable old curmudgeon, Prakash Karat, answers your question:

The Communist Party of India (Marxist) on Sunday warned the United Progressive Alliance government against allying with the U.S.-led NATO forces in Afghanistan and promised to launch joint struggles with its counterparts in the region against increasing American intervention in South Asia.

[snip]

“We have to continue our struggle against capitalism, put an end to it and establish socialism as the real alternative. At the same time, we also oppose the India-U.S. strategic ties — economic and military,” Mr. Karat said at a public rally at the end of the 11th International Meet of Communist and Workers Parties here.

Where do I even begin? Oh, Prakash. In case you had been asleep for the past twenty years, in the whole decades long football match between socialism and capitalism, the scoreboard stands as, Capitalism - 1, Socialism - 0. Even though capitalism is now crony capitalism, it's evil twin, your system still sucked. Also, fyi, you lost the election. So, please have a nice, warm cup of green tea from China.

Now lets see what the thought leaders on the other side of the pond are thinking. One wonders whether they would be as excited about the visit as much as our own press is.

Since not much of the American press is covering this right now, let's turn our attention to the Times UK, for how the Obama administration is preparing for the Indian PM's visit:

The first dinner party in a new house is a test for every hostess and an awkward eater is the last thing she needs. In Michelle Obama’s case, not only is her first guest of honour an abstemious vegetarian, but the whole world will be watching.

On Tuesday the Obamas host their first state banquet since taking office in January. After the staid years of President George W Bush, who liked to be in bed by 9pm, Washington is desperate for some glamour.

“Official Washington is hungry for this — it’s an important moment,” said Robert Watson, author of American First Ladies and associate professor of American studies at Lynn University, Florida. “It’s a test for Michelle. Every detail will be looked at, from the menu to the guest list, to who’s sitting next to whom. One faux pas and the critics will pounce.”

As the youngest White House family since the Kennedys, the Obamas draw inevitable comparisons. Everyone will be watching to see how Michelle ranks against Jackie.

OMG, did someone remember to send an e-vite to Manmohan?

However, Politico has WON THE DAY, by it's superb coverage of the state visit.

Looks like former President Clinton won't be attending:

Former President Bill Clinton did snag an invite to the White House state dinner on Tuesday, but he won’t be there with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

It’s not a case of “Been there, done that” for Clinton, though he hosted 30 state dinners of his own. Clinton just has other plans. “He’ll be at previously scheduled events in New York,” Matt McKenna, Clinton’s spokesman, told POLITICO.

Well, just get invite a young woman who is on the healthier side. I am sure that Mr Clinton's schedule would 'suddenly' open up.

Now, since Bill isn't going to be there, Mr Hollywood himself, Ari Emanuel, is going to make up for his absence:

Hollywood super-agent Ari Emanuel (and brother to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel) is expected to be at the White House Tuesday evening for the Obamas' first state dinner.

[snip]

Ari Emanuel won't be the only one from Tinseltown at 1600 Pennsylvania on Tuesday. POLITICO confirmed late last week that Hollywood director M. Night Shyamalan will also attend the dinner.

Although, to be fair, Shyamlan's appearance at the dinner will likely be a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo. And, now that he's there, look for something really paranoid and boring to happen, simultaneously.

There were originally supposed to be 400 guests at the banquet. However, since EVERYONE in the WHOLE WORLD basically wants to be there, the banquet will now consist of 600 guests. The only criteria is that you should have some kind of remote connection to India. Cause, for this banquet, brown seems to be the new black.

 

Photo Credit: The Magalorean

Manmohan Singh to visit the US to have awkward conversations of epic proportions

Now that President Obama is all grown up and is allowed to have friends over for the whole night,  he couldn't have invited a guest more polite than Manmohan Singh. Mr Singh probably never leaves wet towels lying around, makes his own bed and would rather starve than raid the host's fridge at midnight. Also, I think he would bring a better gift than the usual ferrero rocher chocolates that the other guests bring.

Anyways, as luck would have it, the Indian PM is Obama's first "official state guest". Ha ha, suck on that, Japan. Obama may bow down to your make-believe emperor, but he's only got eyes for the land of karma. This has impressed all our bureaucrats at South Block and our journalists, because both these groups of people have hearts of little teenage girls and all they want is for someone to make them feel special and whisper sweet nothings into their ear. Over the next few weeks, we will see countless panel discussions and read a zillion articles on how the US has finally de-hyphenated the South Asia desk and now simply hyphenates both Afghanistan & Pakistan together, affectionately referring to both those countries as Clusterfuckistan. This must mean that we finally get to play in the same room as the five veto-powered 'superpowers' whenever one of our schoolchildren visit the UN. We now probably have the same power over the other countries of the world that the BCCI has over the ICC. Pretty soon we will have our own little domestic United Nations, based on the IPL, which we can let Shashi Tharoor head so that he finally gets his childhood wish fulfilled.

However, sadly, this might never come true. That's because due to some unforeseen circumstances like reality, the US and India don't really have a lot of common goals anymore. Both countries view the world with a different prism. The US wants the rest of the world to call it Zen Master Popeye and India just wants everyone to get along and watch musical movies which make no sense unless you suspend logical thinking completely.

There are other tight 'knots' in this friendship band too. The US continues to fight the war on terror on two wrong fronts, while ignoring the real root of the problem in Pakistan. The US also want India & Pakistan to resolve the Kashmir issue which New Delhi doesn't see happening anytime soon, because in reality there is no one in the Pakistani establishment who sees a benefit in making peace with India and no one in the Indian government has hypnotic powers.

Both India and the US are on different sides on the issue of reducing carbon emissions. There doesn't seem to be an urgency in India to 'save the environment' because (a) There are very few out and open Lesbian-hippies in India and (b) the Indian news channels haven't yet shown a "news" report about the environment accompanied by scary, armageddonesque music. So we focus on other pressing issues of the day, like reality shows. 

The only thing India and the US really sorta agree on is the Indo-US nuclear deal, which, it seems, hasn't really been completed yet. Although we've signed agreements for civilian nuclear power with other members of the NSG like France, Russia and Canada. Canada! The Indo-US nuclear deal is like the worst will-they, won't they sitcom storyline ever.

So when President Obama and Prime Minister Singh sit down mano-a-mano to talk business, the conversation will be quite similar to the conversation that parents of an inter-religious couple have when they meet for the first time. They will skip anything which may reek of controversy and try to convince each other that all they want is for their children to be happy.

However, that's not going to deter both parties from praising each other's 'leadership' and how they see a 'new beginning' in this 'important' relationship between the world's largest and biggest democracies, and how together they can work towards solving problems like climate change, terrorism and preventing Twilight and Harry Potter fans from mating.

Of course this will impress a lot of people. But unlike real teenage girls, our metaphorical ones forget to learn life's most important lesson: If Colin Farrell replies to your blood-stained letter in which you confess your true and eternal love for him with a generic "Dear Fan" boilerplate, then, he's just not that into you.

That, and how you always get a zit whenever you have an important date.

 

Damn, looks like I really need to stop watching Drew Barrymore movies. It's kind of affecting my mixed metaphors!

Who wants to be a superpower?

The word on the street is that India is ready to finally rise and shine and take it's rightful place as one of the world's foremost superpowers. What is it about being a superpower that really attracts us? Besides giving nostalgic NRI's who meet every Sunday something other than marriage & food to talk about, what good is it, really?

Maybe it's because I never stayed in a hostel or joined the Boy Scouts, but I don't see the point of playing the geographical version of "Mine is Bigger".

If you look at the evidence, being a superpower is not all that it is cracked up to be.

Superpowers have to keep fighting wars. Even those which they have won. Did you know that there are still more than fifty thousand American soldiers stationed in Germany? Why? Probably just in case Germany gets that funny feeling in it's stomach and wants to try to take over the world again. No wonder McCain claimed that the US would be in Iraq for more than a hundred years. In India, we don't like wars. No, not because of the millions of lives that are fruitlessly lost. We don't like wars because they ruin the cricket season.

Superpowers also have to keep demonising an enemy with newer and newer stuff. We can't do that. We basically keep hugging Pakistan while it keeps stabbing us in the back. Also, the demonizing turns sadistic and people turn on each other (Does McCarthyism ring a bell? In fact, if had something like that in India, we would be like a nation of Vivek Oberois. That scares me. A lot).

Superpowers need to engineer & arrange coups in different parts of the world. Our intelligence department can't even arrange a dinner party.

Superpowers also need to keep messing with their smaller neighbors. And everyone knows that we love our smaller neighbours. Specially Bhutan, who we find so cute with their long robes and their pointy roofs. Let's face it, we quite love that little fella.

Superpowers also collect bad karma. As Sharon Stone told me one day during our yoga class with Deepak Chopra, Karma is a bitch. Between themselves, both the US and Russia have collected so much bad karma that it's coming to bite them in the ass. How else can you explain the career of Anastacia?

Then there is the superpower of yore, good ol' Britannia. If Britain were a person, it would presently be like a failed actor who shoots and releases his own 'sex-tape' which ends up getting him a half-hour "Where are they now?" special on VH1 and an interview with The Daily Mail. Even TMZ won't give a shit about that sucka.

A 'perk' of being a permanent member of the UN security council is something other former and current superpowers enjoy. Pfft. The security council reacts to events in two ways: (a) By issuing a strongly worded statement (b) By issuing a harsh, mean and really strongly worded statement which ends with an exclamation mark. The UN security council is as effective as my school's debate club. (Which, for the record, I was not part of. Why? Well, I think I was spending too much time studying the effects of medical marijuana. Also, the dude heading the debate team was sort of a cunt. Yes, I know. Sounds exactly like the guy who heads the United Nations!).

Being a member of the security council doesn't even get you tickets to a Depeche Mode concert. And no one really goes to their concerts! Also, despite all the rumors, there is no special supermarket for superpowers. It's just a sham, like the son of a deposed Nigerian prince and Shah Rukh Khan's marriage.

So instead of concentrating all our energy on being a "superpower", why not concentrate our energies somewhere else? Why not go in a different direction? A more saner one. Like Canada. Of course, you don't hear about Canada a lot. Which is a good thing. They've got healthcare for everyone, marriage equality, medical marijuana and authentic Punjabi cuisine. What's not to like?

Also, we're almost halfway there. So it won't take a huge effort. Like Canada, we have one huge national sport. Like Canada, our version of MTV sucks too. And as for the Prime Minister who looks like an old lesbian, well, for that we have Jairam Ramesh.

History is not something that can only useful to politicians so that they can distort it for their personal gain. It also helps us learn from the mistakes of the past.

So what we need to learn from history is that just like bell-bottoms and flannel shirts, being a superpower is so out of date.

If the Swine Flu does not kill you, then reading banned books will

In Gujarat,while the government scrambles to give reasons for banning Jaswant Singh's book, anybody carrying the book can be arrested. Yay! Now that we've caught all the book readers, maybe we can try to catch the terrorists? Maybe? Please? [TOI]

Just like my friend's wife on her honeymoon, India seems to be wasting good money to buy cheap crap from Russia. [The Faster Times]

Since Bush and Cheney could not go personally to shoot each and every "terroriser" in the world, they did the next best thing. They outsourced the killings to a private firm. [The Nation]

Some smart teenagers blogging for the WSJ have determined that we are not ready to fight the impending Swine Flu epidemic, we are all going to die soon. See you in hell, everyone. I'll be the guy sitting on the beach drinking weird alcoholic drinks while telling everyone how to improve things. [WSJ]

After the Afghanistan election, the biggest one for a pretend country, everyone is worried that it may not bring peace to the region and escalate the violence to levels which have not been seen since last week. [Times UK]

I&B minister Ambika Soni plans to make DD news more like the private news channels. The first step in that direction is to start getting the DD anchors to shout the news at the top of their voice. Then, they start reporting on food items shaped like Lord Ganesha. [Indopia]

Curiosity did not kill the cat; getting stressed out over the wrong thing did

So welcome to another episode of "Let's get outraged together, because some lady on teevee said so".

Tonight, we take a look at how an arrogant American immigration officer treated the Badshaah of Bollywood like a mere commoner.

Okay. So SRK was stopped an interrogated by an American CBP officer for a couple of hours. I'd like to say that they officer was doing his job, but he seemed to have crossed the line and gotten a little Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay-overboard.

But you know what's really outrageous? The fact that there are people who have to go through this everytime they go to America because they don't have Congress MP Rajiv Shukla on speed dial. Why doesn't the Indian embassy do this for EVERY INDIAN who is racially profiled at an American airport? Why are the rules different for movie stars?

You know another thing that is outrageous? Robert Vadra, son-in-law of the nation, does not have to go through security check, whereas the former chief of the army has to.

The Indian government lodged an official complaint with the American embassy in Delhi. Why does the government have to lodge an OFFICIAL complaint? Why do we have to act like little children whose fragile little ego's are hurt everytime someone wants to follow the law? The American embassy in India spends most of it's time trying to stroke the humongous egos in South Block.

The whole SRK incident in short: If you want to get people outraged for being mistreated, go do a couple of movies first. Otherwise, just grin and bear it.

As far as coverage of the incident is concerned, there are a few things:

• If anyone else points out the irony of Shah Rukh Khan being stopped at the airport and his upcoming movie, they need to be waterboarded by Dick Cheney. Because, um, even little children figured this out. So you don't have to mention it EVERYTIME you report on this.
• You know what's not ironical? This happening on Independence day. Besides us and a few NRI's trying to compensate for their "guilt" at abandoning the desh, no one else gives a fudge about OUR Independence day. At least not until we have an actor use it in a memorable speech given at a very poignant moment in a blockbuster movie in which the human race is fighting aliens together for the survival of the whole planet.
• SRK is not a "world celebrity". There are millions of people in India who haven't heard of him because they don't have TV or electricity or BSNL phone lines.
• Ambika Soni's brilliant suggestion of racially profiling American tourists is our childish desire for an eye for an eye. Some dude named MK Gandhi once said that An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I wonder if that dude is on twitter because I'd like totally follow him.
• For once I'd like a leader who stands up and asks the country to act like a frikin grown up. However, I don't think that's happening anytime soon. Which proves once again that growing old does not necessarily make you wiser.
• One immigration officer does not make the whole country racist. Also, electing Barack Hussien Obama does not make the whole country post-racist.

If the Newark CBP officer was in India, he would have been transferred to some naxal-infested area before you could say Dilwalaye Dulhaniya Le Jayengay. In fact, our security slogan should be "Come to India, if terrorists don't kill you, the swine flu will".

Jai Ho?

Are you there Hillary? It's us, the Indian media . . .

The US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is on a three day visit to India. Or as the media would have you believe, HILLARY CLINTON TO MOVE TO INDIA.

As usual, since EVERYONE got to interview her, each channel branded their interview as an "exclusive". They even managed to ask the same questions.

Specially about the biggest MYSTERY that surrounds the India-US relationship:

Are we still hyphenated?

Did you dehyphenate us again?

C'mon, good woman tell us, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION?

The last time I saw so many people obsess about a dash was when artist Dash Snow passed on to the big orgy in the sky. By the end of it all, Hillary flipped them the bird and was like Why don't you mofos Hyphenate this?

There were other brilliant questions too. Noted journalist and blog hater Barkha Dutt asked Ms. Clinton to reaffirm her LOVE for India.

WTF was that? What are we, jilted lovers? Blow job buddies? When did we start dating America? And FYI, isn't he a little too old for us? We already had a bad experience when we dated the late Soviet Union? Can we stop with the dating old people now? Last time I checked, our country wasn't a playboy playmate.

Hillary also attended a town hall along with Arnab Goswami and Aamir Khan. There was so much ego in that room, if Neil Armstrong had gone back, he would have seen it from the moon. Also, what was Aamir Khan doing there? When did he become a government official? When did we elect him? Can anyone even pee in this country without involving someone from bollywood?

Oh, don't forget the pandering by all our "respected" journalists. Most of the conversation can be summed up by the following:

"ZOMG, are you for real? Are you made of taffy? We really LUURRRRVE YOU!! And your HUSBAND, PRESIDENT HORNDOG! He was such a ladykiller!! And we miss seeing George Bush smile like a smug asshole!!! We miss calling him an evil basted with such profound affection!! Oh, and by the way, say hi to your boss, President Hopey!! ALSO, DID WE MENTION WE LURRRRVE YOU? And please CAN YOU TOUCH OUR HAND? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE?????"

Someone managed to sneak in a real question and asked her about what she would do after the Obama administration would have completed their mandate of healing the world in about eight years? She said she might retire. Even though we all know she's going to run for President in 2016 because the only Republican left by that time would be Meghan McCain . And all Megan wants to do is become President of Twitter.

Although, to be fair to our media, no one asked her even a single question about Michael Jackson.

Suck on that, Larry King.

Later, after almost calling off her trip when she found out that no restaurant in Delhi had named a item on the menu after her like they did for Slick Willie and future world leader Chelsea, she managed to keep-it-together and meet environment minister and noted elitist, Jairam Ramesh. They both bonded over their commitment to climate change and their mutual love for old-school lesbian haircuts.

If this is how the media reacted to Hillary's visit, they really are going to go more batshit crazy when President Messiah visits next year, aren't they?

I can already imagine all the questions about dal and keema.

Sigh.

Sarah Palin quits as Governor to make her children mooseburgers for breakfast everyday

While all of you on this side of the pacific were spending your weekend having the kind of sex which would anger the Pope and might still be illegal in 27 states, the world was watching, with bemused horror, how the hockey Mom from Alaska used a baseball analogy to resign from her "job" as Governor of Alaska.

She did that because she wanted to make a real difference.  Because being chief executive of a state is really not the place to make real policy difference.

That's not even the crazy part.

 

 

Basically, she says that since she's not a quitter, she's quitting so that she could better help the state she is currently the chief executive for. And even that's not the crazy part.

Her speech (literally from the horse's mouth) consists of 18 exclamation marks and still does not have an actual point. However, my favourite part of the speech is this:

May we all learn from them!

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska.

Oh Sarah, you truly are the bestest. This woman makes the fourth-grade level speeches George Bush gave seem kinda Presidential.

Now, people throw around the word "victim" a lot. (Specially those people who read books about neo-spirituality and act all happy and shit really early in the morning. I mean, WTF is wrong with you crazy fucks?) However, if there was anybody who could be used as the poster child for being a "victim", then it is the Wicked Witch of Wasilla, Sarah Palin. has made a career of playing victim. Whether it is feuding with David Letterman over a silly joke or blaming Barack Obama for bloggers who are allegedly badmouthing her, she plays victim to the tee. This woman exemplifies the present day conservative movement in America. The take-no-responsibility for your actions, find a straw man to blame for all the mistakes you make, make fun of people who read anything other than the bible, deny global warming crowd. This is the kind of people who define conservatism today. The holier-than-thou sanctimonious idiots who blame hurricanes on everything from abortion to same-sex unions. These people are so further away from the truth, that one imagines which planet they really inhabit.

The GILF has now quit every elected office that she has held, including previously when she was mayor and when she was resigned as a member of the Alaska Oil and Gas commission to run for Lt. Governor. She and her supporters like to romanticize actions like this by saying that she is a "maverick". Looks like being a maverick in the republican playbook means quitting. Even the original GOP maverick, John McCain, "suspended" his campaign to handle a "crisis".

It takes a lot to be the looniest Governor in a party which has such thought leaders like Mark Sanford and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Never mind that most of the recent attacks on her have been from people in her own party, she nevertheless didn't falter in blaming the liberal media and democratic "writers" for her decreased job satisfaction, the wolf-hunter is now going to sue everybody on the internet who tries to expose her lack of any ethics or any live brain cells. Yes, because to get people to stop talking about something, you ask your cheap-ass lawyer to threaten them. (Please see everbody else who tried that before you to see how that usually works out.)

There are many competing theories as to why did she go all mavericky and quit in such a hastily called press conference. The only thing anyone is sure of is that the train wreck called Sarah Palin is just getting started and that there is so much more to come.

It might have come from Wassila, but it's not going back there any time soon.

You betcha!

Obama sends message to Indian Prime Minister by writing it on Papyrus with a really big Quill

Six weeks ago, a group of brave men and women dressed like men set sail from the New York Harbour. The purpose of this important, difficult and treacherous voyage was to find and reach the East Indies and deliver a letter to the leader of the people of the East Indies. Not just any letter. A letter from the President of the United States of America. The letter contained a message of peace and was written with the purpose of establishing a treaty of cooperation and friendship between the two countries.

The brave crew of the ship, three of whom were thrown overboard by a white supremacist from the continent of Australia who then himself died of gonorrhoea, dodged thunderstorms, hunger, even fought off pirates who were led by a clever man called Jack Sparrow and finally arrived at their destination a week ago. From the coast they were flown into the capital city by a genie and his magic carpet. They sought an audience with Queen Sonia. They were granted an audience with the Queen's Prime Minister, who met the emissaries of the American President at high noon and they handed over the handwritten letter to him. In return, the Prime Minister gave them an aphrodisiac made from the blood of seven dragons and an instruction guide on yoga written by one a member of the Rajasthan Royal family, Shilpam Shetty, to be presented to the President upon their return. As local officials explained to them, that is how the people of the East Indies start a friendship.

The merry band of visitors even crossed the bridge of dangerous serpents and went to meet scary old Uncle Grumpus.

___________

Okay, I might have exaggerated a little, but c'mon. Really, Mr President? A letter?

How very Nehru of you!

Are you telling us that the recession has hit the United States so bad that you can't even afford an international fax anymore? Are you telling us that instead of Harrison Ford's plane from Air Force One, you now use Harrison Ford's plane from Six Days Seven Nights?

What's wrong with you, Barry?

I would have gone on, but government officials in my country send each other telegrams. What can a brother do?

(Okay, that's the last time I link to that post.)

(On second thoughts, maybe not. It just never gets old.)

___________

By the way, Obama may keep on saying that India is a "crucial" ally and everything, but I'm sensing that he's sort of bluffing.

I think I know why.

He might have called customer support for his computer one time and  he must have faced this:

Thank you for calling ***** *****. All of our operators are currently serving other customers. Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Please continue to hold.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Your call is the next call in the queue.
[Irritating midi tone of "Summer of '69"]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
This call maybe recorded for quality control purposes.

 

And then when he finally reached a customer service representative, the guy took his details, put poor Barry on hold for another half hour and then told him that he needs to buy a new computer.

I'll tell you the same thing I told a kid whose bike I ran over: Shit happens, get over it.

Just be glad that this didn't happen to you.

___________

Maybe Obama might have been pissed at a few members of the Indian establishment who were pulling for John McCain.

Hey, Mr President. We can't help it. We're Indians. We like old people. In fact, we hate young people so much that we don't even listen to anything they say until they grow old and shrivelled.

Also, we only liked George W Bush because he spoke his own version of English, just like us. Pinkie swear.

And some people were pulling for McCain because they thought that if McCain won, then both he and Manmohan Singh can go for a prostate exam together. Those things are really hard and it's comforting to have a friend take it along with you.

Also, the Palins with their hundred kids and knocked up daughter kind of reminds us of the families portrayed on our television. Tee Hee.

 

However, please remember that there were some of us who were on your side.

 

Does that help?