You Know Who Else Was A Superpower?

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

One of the most popular narratives of the late 90s/early aughts was the emergence of India as a candidate for this century’s “superpower.”
We were supposed to finally break the shackles of the past, realize our full potential, and take our natural place among the world’s most powerful countries. But then reality intervened and everyone realized that we weren't really ready for prime-time. However, despite being faced with a large amount of evidence to the contrary, the narrative still strangely persists.

We’re the ‘Ajit Agarkar’ of superpowers. The only reason we’re on the team is because someone with actual power pulled some strings to get us in. A real superpower shouldn’t have millions of malnutritioned children going to bed hungry every night. A real superpower shouldn’t have a complete electricity grid failure for more than half the country because some idiot overloaded the system by switching on his toaster. And the primary objective of a real superpower’s foreign policy shouldn’t be to get every country in the world to like them.

When someone says that they want their country to be a ‘superpower,’ what they’re trying to say is that they now want their country to be the world’s ‘decider.’ The sort of asshole country which tells other countries what to do and where they can stick their ‘sovereignty.’ What they mean is that they want to be the guy in the room who has the remote to the teevee and will continue to watch a documentary on the drainage system of the Aztec civilization even though everyone else wants to watch that show which has ‘everyday people’ eating bugs for money. 

What jingoistic patriots don’t realize is that being a superpower is not all that it is cracked up to be.

Superpowers have to keep fighting wars; even those which they have won. Did you know that there are still more than fifty thousand American soldiers stationed in Germany. Why? Probably just in case Germany gets that funny feeling in its stomach and wants to try to take over the world again. In India, we don't like wars. No, not because of the millions of lives that would be fruitlessly lost. No one cares about hippie things like “human lives” in our country. The reason we don't like wars is because they clash with the cricket season.

The various spy agencies of a superpower need to be powerful enough to engineer a coup in unstable countries. Our spy agencies can’t even organize a dinner party successfully.

Superpowers have huge empires. Do we really want to be like the people Tom Alter portrays everytime he is forced to speak Hindi with a bad accent? We’ve always maintained that our country doesn’t want someone else’s territory. We’re happy with what our Mama gave us. Plus, we satisfy all our colonial urges by acting like an occupying force in Kashmir and the North East.

Superpowers need a constant supply of straw enemies to keep a large portion of the country’s populace so terrified that the government could do anything in the name of national security. Okay, I’ll let you have that one.

The demise of empires like Ancient Greece, the Romans, Nazi Germany, the United Kingdom, and the USSR are proof that no superpower stays on top forever. Being a superpower means spending a few years at the top and then eventually fizzling out. Being a superpower means penalising future generations by making them live in a country whose best days have passed but whose people still have delusions of grandeur. If superpowers were people, they’d be the 1983 Indian cricket world cup team - a bunch of has-beens hanging on to every last shred of glory for something which happened decades ago. Maybe it's because I never stayed in a hostel or participated in an NCC camp, but I don't see the point of playing the geographical version of "mine is bigger."

I’m not saying that we should burn all our weapons in a bonfire and invite all our neighbouring countries to hold our hands while we dance around the pyre singing ‘kumbaya.’ However, we could tread a saner yellow brick road. Maybe we could try being the superpower of space exploration (Think of all the “ring view” apartments in gated communities they can build on Jupiter!). We could try to be the superpower of not letting foodgrain rot in government warehouses. If we’re not expending all our energies enriching Israeli defence equipment companies, we could try to be the superpower that provides its citizens with quality healthcare (Most of our current healthcare plans involve asking people who cannot afford treatment to ‘walk it off’). We could even try to be the superpower of not trying to ruin the environment at such a rapid speed that mother earth finally loses her cool and cancels ‘the human race show’ forever.

Or we could just spend all day dreaming about punching China in the face.

Baby, it’s Cold Outside

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

The saviour of people caught in awkward situations who have nothing else to talk about, the weather, has been a ‘hot’ topic of conversation lately. Unless you’re a hibernating bear languishing in a remote cave, you’d notice that the weather seems to have gotten a tad bit cooler. In fact, it was so cold, Shashi Tharoor said something controversial just to be in hot water again. However, nothing really says winter is here than when people start questioning whether global warming is real. Apparently, some folks like to keep warm by shrouding themselves in ignorance.

The fact that we’re still debating the reality of global warming does not bode well for our future. In simple terms, this is what happens: Human activity causes a large amount of gases to be released into the atmosphere. The earth’s atmosphere traps these gases as well as the heat generated by them. This causes our glaciers to melt at a faster rate than the natural process can replenish them. Glaciers deflect about eighty percent of the heat from the sun. So when the glaciers start disappearing, this heat is instead absorbed by the earth. This increases the temperature of the planet, thus leading to ‘global warming.’  The expected outcome of global warming is an increase in extreme weather conditions. So the cold weather will get colder, the rains will get more torrential, hurricanes will get more powerful and volcanoes will erupt more frequently. Basically, the weather will be more chaotic than closing hour at the stock market.

Denying climate change is like denying gravity. If you don’t want to believe the scientists (because why would you want to believe thousands of smart people who have conducted comprehensive research and have released study after study presenting overwhelming evidence to support their claim?), the erratic nature of the weather is visible to everyone. There is nothing “natural” or “cyclical” about having a cold wave and a heat wave in the same year. The past decade has been the hottest decade since when we started recording temperatures. Each natural catastrophe seems to be the ‘worst ever’ in a long time. Earlier this month, Jerusalem was hit with the worst storm in twenty years. The storm was so bad that Jesus turned to God and said “Hey Dad, next time drop me off somewhere warmer. Like Siberia.” Luckily, the city and its surrounding area is full of mature adults known for their tolerance, patience and their apathy to overreaction so they handled the situation quite well.

Australia – which exists in a hipster hemisphere and usually spends its time relaxing on a beach in summer while the countries in the northern hemisphere are freezing in winter – is witnessing such unprecedented high temperatures this season that they had to add new colour codes to the weather map. This has finally woken up their government which is now urging greater global action to combat climate change.

Climate change is exactly the sort of area that needs governments to step up. Not only do we need governments to pass laws to decrease the amount of harmful gases and radiation we release into the atmosphere, we also need them to actually enforce those laws stringently. We need governments to invest in renewable energy. We also need them to use the tools available at their disposal to subsidise the adaptation of technology which uses renewable resources as an energy source. We also need the government to protect whatever remains of our ecology and not cede them to corporate interests’ intent on mining every inch of the planet. But that doesn’t seem on the cards. Developing countries like India and China don’t want to take any major steps to combat climate change because they feel that they just started to pollute the environment and it’s their turn to ruin the planet. Hey, I just got the party, at least let me snort a couple of lines of coke before you call the cops. Most of Europe is busy trying to stay afloat in a large pool of debt using German life-jackets so they don’t even want to think about anything else right now. And half of America thinks that the earth is getting warmer because god is giving us a hug.

One of the reasons of global warming that we seldom talk about is our increasing population. I don’t get people who still insist of procreating. The earth is crumbling, habitable land is decreasing, the climate is getting harsher and living conditions are getting slowly becoming unbearable. Yet, we insist on introducing another life onto this earth, even though there are millions of children without anybody to care for them suffering in orphanages or out on the streets, A very common excuse people give for bringing new human prisoners for our computer overlords running the matrix (WAKE UP SHEEPLE!), is that they want to create life which is “just like themselves.” Someone who carries on their “family name.” Because we’re still like primitive tribal folk on the inside! I mean, really? Do you think that you’re so special that the world needs more copies of you running around? Holy extreme rise in ego, batman!

In the future, when we’re living in unshapely, sterile soviet-esque ‘barrack-homes’ while roaming around in space suits attached with personal air-conditioner units - because the heat outside would make even Mars seem bearable - we’re really going to regret our inaction.

Hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.

Dude, Where’s My Patron?

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

As the festival of lights screeched its way into the calendar like a rogue firecracker, the city of Delhi got ready to say goodbye to the scorching summer and welcome the wavering winter by decking up its houses in different shades of lights. The ones belonging to minimalists were decorated like they were being prepared for a showroom opening, the dreamers had decorated their houses like they were characters out of a YashRaj movie and the large dwellings housing the extra enthusiastic were decorated with enough lights to power an entire solar system.

Of course, winter in Delhi also means another seasonal session of Parliament. Our MPs get together for a few days next month for another epic wastage of taxpayer money. Recently, we were provided with a preview of things to come when the leader of the opposition and potential prime ministerial candidate (pro tip: if a member of the BJP is able to breathe, then they’re a Prime Ministerial candidate) gave a speech specifying her legislative priorities. If on any day of the session her party sticks around for more than ten minutes before rushing to the ‘well of the house',’ she plans to introduce bills penalising those who dare to defy her religion by referencing names of mythological characters in movies and on teevee. She also talked about protecting cows from being slaughtered. The last time she was in the news for strongly advocating a policy position, she had demanded that the Bhagavad Gita be made the national book, after a small court in Siberia was entertaining a petition to ban it. Seems like she really has her pulse on the important issues of the day!

Now, Mrs. Swaraj is neither joining PETA nor appearing on the cover of Vogue wearing a saffron fedora anytime soon. These are the issues she talks about because she knows that these are the sort of issues that are going to get people to talk about her. She has to be seen doing something! You think talking about child malnutrition or illiteracy is going to get her on prime-time? She knows her constituency well. They’re going to be quite happy that she’s pissing off the asshole secularists by trying to legislate a belief that exists solely because some dude said something hundreds of years ago. Holy foolproof argument, batman!

Anyway, we don’t elect our politicians to lead. We elect them to be patrons. We want extra gas connections, free colour teevees and subsidised prices. Get your 'sound economic policies’ off my lawn.

We don’t need a government run by professionals who know what they’re talking about. That is why we ended up with an environment minister who thought global warming was a hoax and a health minister who thought that late night teevee was the best method of birth control. We’re happy enough if the government is being run by someone with whom we can establish some sort of kinship. Like in UP, where the two main parties spend all their time in government avenging “their people.” One of the first thing Mayawati does after taking office is to transfer anyone with the last name ‘Yadav’ holding positions of consequence in the police or the bureaucracy to posts which are considered as ‘punishments,’ replacing them with her people. Then whenever Mulayam wins back power, one of the first things he does is to transfer those people back. 

Elected officials - whether they are in the ruling party or the opposition, whether they are an MP, MLA ,a member of the municipal corporation or local panchayat - can do a lot to change the lives of their constituents. But most of our elected officials are not there to do real things. They have favours to payback and coffers to fill. If they spend their time in office learning about the issues that actually affect people, when will they find time to earn enough kickbacks to be able to pay for the next election campaign?

And no one really bothers to burden our ‘lawmakers’ by asking them questions about policy. The latest ‘comeback kid’ of Indian politics, amateur comedian Laloo Prasad Yadav has been getting lots of coverage lately. Most of the articles focus on the fact that he’s making jokes at his rallies again, which, for some reason, translates into him becoming a strong contender to win back the state! Having lost a number of elections doesn’t mean that Prasad has to now offer specific solutions to people’s problem. That would be silly thing to do! Instead, he has generously offered to award the chief ministerial post to a member of any caste, should he win the next election. Who wouldn’t like to elect such a progressive leader?

Now please excuse me while I courier my local MP my proposed thousand page draft bill that bans the use of the word “chillax.”

Let’s just hope he can read?

Barack the Vote, America

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

In a couple of days, when a majority of Americans get in line to vote for the next President, it would behove them well to remember 15 September, 2008, the day when Lehman brothers filed for bankruptcy and bought the global financial system to the brink of collapse, while the Bush Administration did nothing; or maybe 29 August, 2005 when Hurricane Katrina flooded the town of New Orleans causing extraordinary damage to both life and property while the Bush Administration did nothing; or maybe 1 May 2003, when President Bush gave a staged speech on a navy vessel declaring the end of the Iraq war with a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner in the background; or maybe even back to 6 August, 2001 when during his daily ‘presidential brief’, Bush was presented with a classified document titled ‘Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.’, a warning that subsequent events revealed wasn’t heeded. 

Earlier this year, during the Republican National Convention, as Mitt Romney accepted the nomination for President, the crowd applauded tepidly. The convention didn’t look like a meeting of happy party members enthusiastically nominating a Presidential candidate. It appeared to be more like a Klan meeting. An auditorium filled with resentful people who were angry at the world for moving on and leaving them behind. A whole swathe of people with low I.Q’s yearning for a past which only exists in their head. A political party whose members had resigned from reality and were more than happy to live in the bubble where they felt safe and happy. Just like their guns, you’d have to take their bigotry, ignorance and fear from their cold, dead hands.

In the movie Game Change, Ed Harris’s John McCain warns Julian Moore’s Sarah Palin of letting the extreme wing of the Republican party co-opt her. Holy Foreshadowing, Batman! Because that’s exactly what happened. Not only did she become the uncrowned leader of the extreme wing of her party, she became its mascot. Yes, the party of Lincoln and Eisenhower is now the party of a reality teevee star who denies climate change, hates gay people, has nothing but contempt for anyone who has read any other book besides the bible and thinks Barack Obama is an Islamist Atheist Communist Terrorist-hugger. (They can’t even reconcile to the fact that a single person cannot be all these things at the same time.)

In the Republican bubble, the guy who ordered the kill on Bin Laden and drops bombs on terrorists using his killer flying robots everyday is soft on terrorism. In the Republican bubble, the guy who saved the American auto-industry from receding into oblivion and saved the global economy from collapse is hurting economic growth. In the Republican bubble, not constantly wanting to bomb every country in the world in alphabetical order is ‘going on an apology tour.’ In the Republican bubble, a person whose life has been investigated, examined and analyzed to such an extent that even his letters to his college girlfriend have been made public still remains ‘unvetted.’  In the Republican bubble, passing a healthcare law that has eluded five previous Presidents and is based on a successful law enacted by a Republican Governor is the sort of tyranny last seen during the Third Reich. (Oh, and by the way, the healthcare law was the only achievement of a one-term Governor known as Mitt Romney. Wonder what happened to that guy!)

When Mitt Romney first started running for office back in 1994, he pretended to be more liberal than his opponent, Edward Kennedy. He pretended to be a pro-choice, gay rights advocating, independent minded, moderate Republican. Even though he lost, he used the same shtick to become Governor in 2002. However, by the time he had started running for President in 2005 moderate Republicans were an endangered species. By 2011, when he announced his second run, moderate Republicans had become an urban myth, like unicorns or a person from Bangalore who doesn’t constantly talk about the weather. So post-2011 Mitt Romney became a ‘severely’ conservative candidate who wants to ban abortion & gay marriage, repeal the healthcare law and cut taxes for the mega-rich. Now he was for deporting undocumented immigrants, building a large fence on the border with Mexico, constantly hugging Israel and denying the existence of global warming. However, since we live in the era of YouTube, for every position taken by conservative Mitt Romney, there is a video of moderate Mitt Romney advocating for the opposing side. Even chameleons escaping a garden full of predators change colour less often.

Romney’s stated foreign policy goals are too unrealistic even for a Tom Clancy novel. He wants to start a trade-war with China and has been constantly talking about bombing Iran to prevent them from making a nuclear weapon. However, during the foreign policy debate with Obama he jettisoned all the previous positions he held and basically took the stance that he’d have the same foreign policy as Obama except he’d be more racist.

Not that Obama is a President who metaphorically walks on water. He’s made more than his share of mistakes and hasn’t been able to deliver on some of his campaign promises. He hasn’t been able to close Guantanamo Bay, his stance on drug use is purely political and he has expanded the Imperial Presidency. Yet, with him you know where he stands on most of the issues. And he doesn’t falter from doing the right thing just because it comes with a political cost. Mitt Romney is a shape-shifter who tries to fit into whatever mould he imagines you want him to.

The world is still recovering from the after-shocks of the last Republican presidency.

Let’s hope America doesn’t saddle us with another.

Is that a coup in your pants or are you just happy to see me?

(The originally appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Bring out your bell-bottoms and unretire your hippies because we seemed to be re-living the 1970s again. Just like in those days, there were rumours of a coup on the streets of New Delhi, a member of the Gandhi family has undue influence on the government and people were actually reading something the ancients used to call a ‘newspaper.’

Another throwback to a previous decade was branding those who were raising uncomfortable questions with Orwellian terms. ‘Traitor’ seemed to be the new ‘CIA agent.’ Not that anyone believed those hilarious reports anyway, yet some members of the establishment thought it prudent to go on an all out offensive against those allegedly ‘making mischief.’ Suddenly, everyone seemed to have discovered their deep love for the troops. Slavish news anchors nodded continuously while defence experts--who seemed to have walked straight out of a PG Wodehouse novel--insisted that no one had the right to question the armed forces, forgetting that the “Don’t criticize me, bro!” directive is only for people currently serving.  We don’t really need our army chiefs to decide for us what we can and cannot speak about. Army chiefs should be like a trophy spouse; best seen and not heard from.

We need to stop feteshizing government institutions because all of them are riddled with problems and we don’t help by ignoring uncomfortable questions. Living in this country is like a choose-your-own-holy cow-which-no-one-can-slaughter adventure.  You can’t question the judiciary, because they are our only saving grace! You can’t question the army because apparently, we are now living in a JP Dutta movie. You can’t say anything against Parliament because the right to watch porn--as some jackass goes on and on about the plight of farmers--is sacrosanct! You can’t question Narendra Modi because he is the Diego Maradona of chief ministers and therefore does not need to be penalised for his ‘hand of god’ goal.

We can blame our ‘leaders’ but let’s first admit that all of us aren’t keen on discussing a lot of issues either. We love banning, clipping, censoring, bleeping, burning, tearing, destroying and beating. Our first reaction to any article we don’t agree with is ‘why did this publication print this?’ We seem to only appreciate people whose opinion and worldview coincides with our own. You mean to say if we just pass this little law here then all our problems will be solved? ZOMG! You complete me! And then we question someone’s patriotism as soon as they take a position we don’t seem to agree with. Hey, what are you going on and on about false democracy and crony capitalism? Somebody try this person for sedition, stat! Jingoistic patriotism seems to be the most popular ‘soup-of-the-day’ in our country. The real test of democracy is tolerating people you vehemently disagree with. Let the ‘free market of ideas’ determine the validity of the discourse. I may think you’re talking with you head up your arse, but I will defend to mild discomfort your right to make a fool of yourself in public.

We need to start treating each other as adults. Otherwise the only thing we’d be left to talk about will be the weather. But, wait, isn’t that controversial too, these days? Thanks to some people who believe that global warming is actually taking place. They don’t realize that Mother Nature is just Al Gore in drag and the weather is just going through a normal cyclical phase. Melting polar ice caps, disappearing glaciers and shrinking winter seasons are just part of the normal weather pattern, right? Who needs those icebergs anyway? Those damn things keep sinking our ships and killing all our handsome young men named after medieval painters.

Wait, if we can’t even talk about the weather then all we are left to discuss is our feelings and stuff?

Uh-oh. Beam me back into your time, Scotty.

Dear Indian media and south block diplomats, Barack Obama is not your boyfriend

So Manmohan Singh is back in Washington, because "The Barack Obama" invited him, to steal all of India's nukes and then distribute them equally between Pakistan and China, because he hates outsourcing?!

Anyways, it's that time of the year again, whenever there is some official level interaction between the Indian and American governments, everyone in the Indian media, print or teevee, has just has one question and one question only: WHAT IS THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION? IS IT BACK? HAS IT GONE AWAY? IT'S BACK ISN'T IT? OR HAS IT GONE AWAY? WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME? WAIT, WHAT IS THIS NEW SHINY OBJECT YOU'RE HOLDING? TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE NEW, SHINY OBJECT. . . .

Everyone (the media and their "anonymous sources" in South Block) keeps talking about how the previous Bush administration was such a "good friend" to India. Don't you remember how we could call ol' Dubya anytime of the night, to complain about how after gym class whenever we were in the locker room changing back into our casuals, Pakistan used to pick a fight with us to distract us so that China could sneak behind our back and empty a whole tube of ben-gay into our fresh, clean underwear. And Dubya used to huff and puff and threaten to blow someone's house down!

And this Obama, he doesn't even poke us back on facebook! What a big 'ol meanie!

Despite the fact that by Dubya did more to upset the Indo-Pak defence "equilibrium", then any other American President before him, he's still missed by everyone, and is seen as a "good friend" to India. The reason that is set in stone is because of the Indo-US nuclear power deal. Even though that was signed not because our buddy had a soft-spot for India, but because it was good for American business interests. Which is why countries usually do business with other countries, because it benefits them in some way or the other!

Shocking! I know!

The truth is that, Bush gave all those little girls in the media and South block a lady boner because just like them he didn't worry about "global warming" or the "Geneva convention" or "International treaties" etc. He would bomb, whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted! He was their brave, white knight in faux cowboy boots, out there killing the bad guys! Even though most of the times the bad guys turn out to be innocent civilians!

And this new guy, Chocolate Gandhi, wants to talk about all those gay things like "nuclear disarmament" and "cutting carbon emissions" and wants to withdraw his army from Afghanistan and Iraq. Gee, what a homo! Whoever has ever even heard of "nuclear disarmament" in our country?

Of course, right now, India and the US have different goals, internationally.  Obama is not here to make friends. He's looking out for his own country's interest, and we should look out for ours. Which doesn't mean that both countries can't be "friendly" with each other and go out for a beer once in six months or  spoon each other every few years (NO HOMO). It's really hard for our media to comprehend the fact that two adults can be friends without actually agreeing on everything. What else do you expect? These are the same people who morphed Amitabh Bachchan's gig of becoming Gujarat's brand ambassador into WHY DID AMITABH BACHCHAN PERSONALLY KILL EVERYONE IN GUJARAT, IN 2002?

The fact of the matter is that even if Barack Obama forcefully lands in Pakistan, bitch slaps Zardari and then pees on Jinnah's grave, our news anchors will find some way to complain about how his actions prove his negativity towards India (I can already imagine Arnab Goswami asking G Parthasarthy "Does his peeing over Jinnah's grave mean that Obama is trying to melt the frozen dialogue with the Taliban?"). All these insinuations are usually for the viewers/readers benefit. Whenever someone from the Obama administration comes a-knockin, they gush over them like a creepy overage Justin Beiber fangirl!

Someone needs to remind them that this is international politics. It requires a little more nuance than what is required during the weekly meeting of the Lajpat Nagar Traders Association (Regd).

A treasury of classical greatest twitter hits from Sagarika Ghose

Famous crazy person, Sagarika 'Shouty' Ghose, who screams from inside your teevee every night, also has a twitter machine, which is full of comedic gold.

Here are a few selected classics:

Here, Ms. Ghose appears to be apologizing to a movie, for leaving a stain on it's coffee table, perhaps?

She loves Dan Brown. Now her whole 'reporting' makes sense.

OMG, she JUST discovered the subject for the next Dan Brown best-seller!!1! The HOLY GRAIL of Global Warming! It's almost orgasmic, for Dan Brown fans!!!

Yes, because the temperature changes are only happening in the West. Having a heat wave and a cold wave in the same frikin year signifies that mother nature is simply trying to be fair in choosing the method with which to kill homeless people. And who knows better about the science behind global warming than an economist?

*Facepalm*

Yes. And Ms. Ghose, who is the daughter of Bhaskar Ghose, famous I&B secretary, and wife of Rajdeep Sardesai, her boss, is clearly against nepotism. Well, done maa'm. Well, done.

Those goddamn poors do not know how to behave. They should just behave like good poor people and be happy that they have got the opportunity to study in a "foreign" University. A "journalist" like "Sagarika" "Ghose" will not "stand" for such "behaviour". ( I might have "overdone" with the quotation marks. "Sorry".)

She will single-handedly kill Haldirams and all it's thousands of branches, by not gracing it with her benign presence.

I am willing to bet good money that she talks to her plants. And by talking I mean SHOUTING ON THE TOP OF HER VOICE. Her plants are not not growing because of the season, THEY ARE SCARED & AFRAID THAT SHE WILL TALK TO THEM, EVERYDAY!

I hadn't read this tweet before I posted the previous one. Honest!

Yes, bollywood is famous for such Bohemian and Liberal movies such as DDLJ, HAHK, K3G etc. Because nothing says liberal like movies which 'empower' woman by portraying them as pawns in the hands of men. And those crazy Bohemian movies, which portray children who don't obey every single directive from their parents as evil! Also, Alok Nath's career, for some reason.

 

Yes, it's so great that she can win a debate against a straw man. It's such an accomplishment to offend people that are looking for something to be offended at!! Bravo, Ms. Ghoss! Bravo!!

Childish name calling and generalising is such a great way to win an argument. Grouping and stereotyping your opponents on the basis of religion is the same bullshit tactic that is used by the very people she pretends to stand against. Using your soapbox to score brownie points against people with whom you have a political disagreement with is simply the way of the coward.

Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Comparisons!! My turn! If Sagarika Ghose is India's Sarah Palin. then Rajdeep Sardesai is it's John McCain. If Sagarika Ghose offends you, then you probably must be stupider than she is. If you watch Sagrika on teevee everyday, there is a 1000% chance of you becoming suicidal.

 

[Tweets via Sagarika Ghose's Twitter feed]

Manmohan Singh to visit the US to have awkward conversations of epic proportions

Now that President Obama is all grown up and is allowed to have friends over for the whole night,  he couldn't have invited a guest more polite than Manmohan Singh. Mr Singh probably never leaves wet towels lying around, makes his own bed and would rather starve than raid the host's fridge at midnight. Also, I think he would bring a better gift than the usual ferrero rocher chocolates that the other guests bring.

Anyways, as luck would have it, the Indian PM is Obama's first "official state guest". Ha ha, suck on that, Japan. Obama may bow down to your make-believe emperor, but he's only got eyes for the land of karma. This has impressed all our bureaucrats at South Block and our journalists, because both these groups of people have hearts of little teenage girls and all they want is for someone to make them feel special and whisper sweet nothings into their ear. Over the next few weeks, we will see countless panel discussions and read a zillion articles on how the US has finally de-hyphenated the South Asia desk and now simply hyphenates both Afghanistan & Pakistan together, affectionately referring to both those countries as Clusterfuckistan. This must mean that we finally get to play in the same room as the five veto-powered 'superpowers' whenever one of our schoolchildren visit the UN. We now probably have the same power over the other countries of the world that the BCCI has over the ICC. Pretty soon we will have our own little domestic United Nations, based on the IPL, which we can let Shashi Tharoor head so that he finally gets his childhood wish fulfilled.

However, sadly, this might never come true. That's because due to some unforeseen circumstances like reality, the US and India don't really have a lot of common goals anymore. Both countries view the world with a different prism. The US wants the rest of the world to call it Zen Master Popeye and India just wants everyone to get along and watch musical movies which make no sense unless you suspend logical thinking completely.

There are other tight 'knots' in this friendship band too. The US continues to fight the war on terror on two wrong fronts, while ignoring the real root of the problem in Pakistan. The US also want India & Pakistan to resolve the Kashmir issue which New Delhi doesn't see happening anytime soon, because in reality there is no one in the Pakistani establishment who sees a benefit in making peace with India and no one in the Indian government has hypnotic powers.

Both India and the US are on different sides on the issue of reducing carbon emissions. There doesn't seem to be an urgency in India to 'save the environment' because (a) There are very few out and open Lesbian-hippies in India and (b) the Indian news channels haven't yet shown a "news" report about the environment accompanied by scary, armageddonesque music. So we focus on other pressing issues of the day, like reality shows. 

The only thing India and the US really sorta agree on is the Indo-US nuclear deal, which, it seems, hasn't really been completed yet. Although we've signed agreements for civilian nuclear power with other members of the NSG like France, Russia and Canada. Canada! The Indo-US nuclear deal is like the worst will-they, won't they sitcom storyline ever.

So when President Obama and Prime Minister Singh sit down mano-a-mano to talk business, the conversation will be quite similar to the conversation that parents of an inter-religious couple have when they meet for the first time. They will skip anything which may reek of controversy and try to convince each other that all they want is for their children to be happy.

However, that's not going to deter both parties from praising each other's 'leadership' and how they see a 'new beginning' in this 'important' relationship between the world's largest and biggest democracies, and how together they can work towards solving problems like climate change, terrorism and preventing Twilight and Harry Potter fans from mating.

Of course this will impress a lot of people. But unlike real teenage girls, our metaphorical ones forget to learn life's most important lesson: If Colin Farrell replies to your blood-stained letter in which you confess your true and eternal love for him with a generic "Dear Fan" boilerplate, then, he's just not that into you.

That, and how you always get a zit whenever you have an important date.

 

Damn, looks like I really need to stop watching Drew Barrymore movies. It's kind of affecting my mixed metaphors!

Somebody please give Jairam Ramesh his own show. Please.

 
Look, my hair has 0% dandruff. Geddit?

 

Say what you want to, but UPA: Season 2 is beginning to sound more fun than the first one. At first, the only comedic stars to emerge from this comedy classic were Shashi "Tweety" Tharoor, A "What's your spectrum?" Raja and VK "Imma Lawwwya" Moily. However, thanks to the writers of the UPA show, another great comedic superstar is now emerging from the shadows.

Usually only known for his really well styled hair (I know, but this joke is still funny to me.), he was last spotted solving the problem of climate change.

He's now back, with more comedic gold:

“The single-most important cause of [carbon] emissions is eating beef,” Ramesh said. “My formula is stop eating beef. This would stop the emission of [large amounts of] methane.”

Yes. All the damn emissions are because of the damn beef eaters. Stop closing those factories people, and start eating the green crap growing in your garden. If you don't have a garden, you're probably poor or live in Bombay. Either way, your life isn't that valuable. Sorry. Maybe next time, try to be born in some garden-heavy city. Preferably in the 'real India'. Where what you eat and what happens after you eat it are on display in the same field.

And Mr. Minister, I'm sure you don't have an agenda while trying to convert everyone into eating & shooting vegetables. I mean, shooting and eating vegetables. Dammit! I mean eating shoots and leaves.

A vegetarian himself, Ramesh offered a pat on the back for non-beef eaters, saying they help in “climate mitigation”.

Fuck yeah, vegetarians and non-vegetarians who don't eat beef. You just got a pat on the back from Jairam Ramesh.  THIS IS PROBABLY YOUR LIFE'S BIGGEST HONOR. Savour it and probably don't wash your back on the spot where you got patted by Uber-environ-mentalist, His Green Highness, Jairam Ramesh.

Or, on second thoughts, please wash your back. I am allergic to any kinds of smell. Thanks.

Now, wait. This is not over.

There are other things he said too:

Environment and Forest Minister Jairam Ramesh, known for making forthright comments, today said if there was any Nobel Prize for dirt and filth, India would get it.

Yes. It is a sublime tragedy indeed, your forthrightness. If only you would have been in government and were able to do something about it. Maybe they should make you a minister or something. If only your party was the party "governing" the country for the past five years. Or the one that won the election with an increased majority.

If only!!!1!

Although, my favourite part of the article is when the reporter says Mr Ramesh is known for making forthright comments.

In fact, I think, if there was a nobel prize for making forthright comments, Jairam Ramesh would get it.

 

WAIT! I JUST thought of ANOTHER REALLY, REALLY bright idea.

You know what will be the BEST THING for the environment?

 

Wait for it . . . .

 

 

If we stop publishing newspapers at all.

Because, MORE NEWSPAPERS = MORE NEWS REPORTERS

And, MORE NEWS REPORTERS = LOTS OF HOT AIR BLOWN UP PEOPLE'S ASSES

Finally, LOTS OF HOT AIR BLOWN UP PEOPLE'S ASSES = GLOBAL WARMING

 

OhMaiGawd, I AM SO frikin' FORTHRIGHT TOO.

 

*Pats self on back*

*Breaks collarbone*

*Whatever*

 

Green at heart? Avoid beef: Jairam [HT]
If there is a Nobel prize for filth, India will win it: Jairam Ramesh [TOI]

India's environment minister will not believe any stupid scientific fact about global warming

India's Minister of Environment, Jairam Ramesh, who is also the first Cabinet rank minister in India to have an openly-Lesbian hairdo, has been hard at work during the past few months trying to come up with a coherent policy for prevention of climate change while continuously listening to the Madonna song "4 Minutes" on his iPod.

So let's check in and see how that seems to be going:

For the first time, the Indian government has challenged western research that says global warming has hastened the melting of Himalayan glaciers. On Monday, environment and forests minister Jairam Ramesh released a paper saying there was no evidence of such a link.

. . .

“The health of Himalayan glaciers is poor,” Ramesh said. “But according to the paper, the doomsday prediction of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) and Al Gore is also not correct. I want scientists to critique the report.”

Hooray, everyone!

There is no global warming. That's all a myth that has been perpetuated by those gay hippies and that giant talking carbon footprint people refer to as Al Gore. There must be some other reason why all those cities in Southern Andhra Pradesh and Karnataka  look like large, open-air aquariums.

And those effing glaciers? They probably melted because of the heat generated by the poster of Kareena Kapoor with Saggy McManboobs.

And what do these environmental terrorists known as the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change know anyway?

The IPCC and Gore, a former US vice-president, were jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2007.

The government’s view goes against the IPCC’s claims that most Himalayan glaciers will vanish by 2035.

“Our prediction [in 2007] was based on government data, and a peer review was done by all countries before our report was released,” IPCC chief R.K. Pachauri said.

. . .

The IPCC’s forecast was based on Indian Space Research Organisation data that said 1,000 Himalayan glaciers had retreated by 16 per cent between 1962 and 2004.

Yeah those commies who run the nobel prize thing award these prizes for doing nothing anyway. And ISRO, those moon geeks went looking for water on the moon when they could have easily bought it at the Moon Starbucks for $50 a pop. 

Pachauri, who is also chairman of the UN's intergovernmental panel on climate change (IPCC), said the report prepared by geologist VK Raina was based on "insufficient data" and "unsubstantiated observations" made over a small two-year period.

While Pachauri was not in town, a Teri spokesperson said he disagreed with Raina's findings which flew in the face of well-researched and documented studies by thousands of IPCC scientists.

Pachauri pointed out that Raina's research was still to be reviewed and authenticated by peers. "It is like schoolboy science," he said. Teri glaciologist Shresth Tayal questioned Raina's conclusion that the melting of the Gangotri glacier had "come to a stand still". He said, "If rain is scarce for two years, can one say drought is here forever?"

Certain aspects of Raina's study were self-contradictory, Tayal said. For example, it claims that glaciers in western Himalayas are melting faster but also says the Siachen glacier is advancing. Even the conclusion that glacier melting is more pronounced in western Himalayas than eastern Himalayas was wrong, Tayal pointed out.

"Our research shows all lakes formed by melting of glaciers are in eastern Himalayas. A glacier in Sikkim, East Rathong, has reportedly lost over 80% of its mass. No one has recorded a glacial lake in western Himalayas," he said.

OH MY GOD. He didn't just say that. You can take your "thousands of scientists" and get stuffed, Pachuri. C'mon, Raina. Don't let him get away with this. Tell him to "unsubstanciate" his whatchamacallit.

“Nothing abnormal is happening to Indian glaciers,” said Raina. “They’re retreating because of negative mass balance. There’s no evidence of climate change.”

Mass balance is primarily determined by annual snow precipitation. Raina could not give reasons for the decrease in snowfall in the Himalayas. “It is for the weather departments to tell,” he said.

Sigh.

 

Ramesh says Himalayan glaciers not melting, PM's adviser says rubbish [DNA]
No proof of Himalayan ice melting due to climate change [TOI]
Government quells panic over Himalayan glacial melt [HT]
Kareena talks about bareback shot in Kurbaan [Total Filmy]