And that's how you secure the Indian-American vote for 2012

On Tuesday, the students of Wakefield High School in Arlington Virginia were welcomed back to school by President-Comrade Obama so that he could indoctrinate them and turn them into socialist zombies. One of the little Zombies had a very interesting question for Dear Leader. A question whose impact can be felt from across the Atlantic Ocean.

STUDENT: Hi. I'm Lilly. And if you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be? (Laughter.)
THE PRESIDENT: Dinner with anyone dead or alive? Well, you know, dead or alive, that's a pretty big list. (Laughter.) You know, I think that it might be Gandhi, who is a real hero of mine. Now, it would probably be a really small meal because -- (laughter) -- he didn't eat a lot. But he's somebody who I find a lot of inspiration in. He inspired Dr. King, so if it hadn't been for the non-violent movement in India, you might not have seen the same non-violent movement for civil rights here in the United States. He inspired César Chávez, and he -- and what was interesting was that he ended up doing so much and changing the world just by the power of his ethics, by his ability to change how people saw each other and saw themselves -- and help people who thought they had no power realize that they had power, and then help people who had a lot of power realize that if all they're doing is oppressing people, then that's not a really good exercise of power.
So I'm always interested in people who are able to bring about change, not through violence, not through money, but through the force of their personality and their ethical and moral stances. And that's somebody that I'd love to sit down and talk to.

[via The Chicago Sun-Times Blog]

Dear Times Now, why haven't you procured a you tube video of the event and  broadcasted it every five minutes branding it as an "exclusive"? C'mon Headlines Today, isn't this representative of the fact that India-US relations have FINALLY been de-hyphenated from the country who shall not be named? And TOI, isn't this more irrefutable proof that the Obama administration is full of people who heart India? Isn't this another feather in our collective caps? Isn't it another example of how India has finally made it on the world stage and that we are a superpower now? Why aren't you guys covering the "real" issues here? Do your job and tell us what we need to think. Hold our hands and guide us through the treacherous clusterfuck called real life. Thank you, good people. Thank you.

Are you there Hillary? It's us, the Indian media . . .

The US Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton is on a three day visit to India. Or as the media would have you believe, HILLARY CLINTON TO MOVE TO INDIA.

As usual, since EVERYONE got to interview her, each channel branded their interview as an "exclusive". They even managed to ask the same questions.

Specially about the biggest MYSTERY that surrounds the India-US relationship:

Are we still hyphenated?

Did you dehyphenate us again?

C'mon, good woman tell us, WHAT'S THE STATUS OF THE HYPHENATION?

The last time I saw so many people obsess about a dash was when artist Dash Snow passed on to the big orgy in the sky. By the end of it all, Hillary flipped them the bird and was like Why don't you mofos Hyphenate this?

There were other brilliant questions too. Noted journalist and blog hater Barkha Dutt asked Ms. Clinton to reaffirm her LOVE for India.

WTF was that? What are we, jilted lovers? Blow job buddies? When did we start dating America? And FYI, isn't he a little too old for us? We already had a bad experience when we dated the late Soviet Union? Can we stop with the dating old people now? Last time I checked, our country wasn't a playboy playmate.

Hillary also attended a town hall along with Arnab Goswami and Aamir Khan. There was so much ego in that room, if Neil Armstrong had gone back, he would have seen it from the moon. Also, what was Aamir Khan doing there? When did he become a government official? When did we elect him? Can anyone even pee in this country without involving someone from bollywood?

Oh, don't forget the pandering by all our "respected" journalists. Most of the conversation can be summed up by the following:

"ZOMG, are you for real? Are you made of taffy? We really LUURRRRVE YOU!! And your HUSBAND, PRESIDENT HORNDOG! He was such a ladykiller!! And we miss seeing George Bush smile like a smug asshole!!! We miss calling him an evil basted with such profound affection!! Oh, and by the way, say hi to your boss, President Hopey!! ALSO, DID WE MENTION WE LURRRRVE YOU? And please CAN YOU TOUCH OUR HAND? PLEASE???? PRETTY PLEASE?????"

Someone managed to sneak in a real question and asked her about what she would do after the Obama administration would have completed their mandate of healing the world in about eight years? She said she might retire. Even though we all know she's going to run for President in 2016 because the only Republican left by that time would be Meghan McCain . And all Megan wants to do is become President of Twitter.

Although, to be fair to our media, no one asked her even a single question about Michael Jackson.

Suck on that, Larry King.

Later, after almost calling off her trip when she found out that no restaurant in Delhi had named a item on the menu after her like they did for Slick Willie and future world leader Chelsea, she managed to keep-it-together and meet environment minister and noted elitist, Jairam Ramesh. They both bonded over their commitment to climate change and their mutual love for old-school lesbian haircuts.

If this is how the media reacted to Hillary's visit, they really are going to go more batshit crazy when President Messiah visits next year, aren't they?

I can already imagine all the questions about dal and keema.

Sigh.

Elections have consequences . . .

. . . or that's what they keep telling us.

Unless of course you're in India. Then there are only two types of consequences. Either the country is royally fucked or painfully screwed.

Anyways, Iran had elections last week. Now, usually Iran doesn't really feature in conversations which aren't about the upcoming global apocalypse. And having President Nutjob running his mouth at every opportunity has made matters worse. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has all the bigotry of Ann Coulter combined with the wit and charm of Dick Cheney. So the people of Iran agreed with the rest of the world and wanted to see this guy go back where he came from so that he could spend the rest of his days hurling abuses at the Jews and homosexuals in obscurity. So he decided to rig the vote, pull out a number from his ass and declare himself President-elect.

But the cable news channels in India seems to have abandoned the story. Hey, some people from Bombay handing out home-made trophies at a big do in Macau and manufacturing news about how everybody hates Dhoni again is more important. Meanwhile Willow Palin (only someone who hates their child would name them Willow) secretly prays that she is taken away by Social Services so that she may be able to escape the pathological woman people say is her mother.

CNN's butt was kicked by twitter. CNN even had to ask it's resident twat to defend itself.

However, there are still some journalists in Iran who are doing excellent work in brining this story to the rest of the world.

No one really knows what is going to happen in Iran. But one thing is clear that this revolution will be live blogged. For more information and up to the minute coverage, check here, here, here and here.

Apologies to the Indian Voter

Dear Indian Voter,

I owe you a sincere apology. Till about Friday evening, I always used to think of you as a dick. Sometimes, I even wondered whether you were retarded. Or assumed that like most of the people I know, you were on crack too.

But, fortunately for you, for the first time in my life, I take my words back. (Discounting the time when I was five and my Dad made me take back what I said to a particular nosy relative even though I didn't mean too. Since I don't want to go into details, let's just say that she had never been called a word that rhymes with punt).

Knowing your penchant for pretending that human beings do not have reproductive organs, and children are born because you starve yourself to death every Monday, I safely assume that you would be outraged at being called a dick. After all, it's just like the love that dare not speak it's name.

However, can you blame me for referring to you with such an epithet? You are the same people who, just five years ago, gave the party of Prakash "I'm going to wear the same white shirt for five years no matter how much it fades" Karat SIXTY seats. And the same people who almost gave everyone a heart attack by making us think that the words "Prime Minister Mayawati" might ever be a distinct possibility. You even voted for Sukh Ram. Sukh Ram. The guy whose cleaning lady is a billionaire because she used to find unattended currency notes lying around in his house. In fact, if Sukh Ram would have been British, he would have been the Speaker of the House of Commons. But we're Indian. We should have a higher standard than a country which would let a future King marry a horse.

However, kudos to you, for voting out the "kingmakers", the "wheeler-dealers", and other kinds of pimps whose desire to "serve" you was as fake as Pakistan's intentions to take on the Taliban.

You proves that al the talking heads on TV, who call themselves Pundits are as clueless as, well, real Pandits! You even showed the middle finger to smug elitist little assholes (who are not me) masquerading as journalists. For that, yes, I do owe you an apology.

However, let's not lose sight here. We might have voted for the lesser evil, but remember it is the lesser evil. While it may not be Darth Vader, it's just as bad as Dr. No.

These are the same people who thought that giving serial dresser, Shivraj "Look at my coat, bitches" Patil the HOME ministry and giving him the responsibility to lead our national security team was a good idea. These are the same people who continue to let someone who can't even stand, shoulder the responsibility of our education. I don't know about you, but I think that it's not a good idea for someone born in the late 15 Century be our minister for Human Resource and Development. These are the same people who let part time sociopath and full time deranged individual be the administrator of public health. These are the same people who quoted the Bible, yes, the same book which Donald Rumsfield used to justify killing Iraqis, as proof against homosexuality, in a court of law. The same book which says that the earth is flat and that animal cruelty is okay because God gave animals no soul.

So let's not lose sight of what's important here. Despite what the sensex will tell you, we do have tough times ahead. We need a government which actually pushes through some much needed reforms. The new government has to choose. It can either be like the movie Juno, and be an underrated sleeper hit or it can turn out like Speed 2, which although had so much potential, was a bigger disaster than the movie depicted.

However, until then, let's just gloat about the fact that the Indian voter put an economist into the most powerful office in the country. Even if he doesn't wield that much power. 

What? Do you think a "game-changing" election means newer jokes?

Now that's funny!

New Rules: Election edition

The Indian media has got to stop comparing each event in our country to some other event in America. We've already had three Indian 9/11's, five Indian version of the Oscars and every reporter is on a mission to find India's Barack Obama. Listen up. If Barack Obama was born in India, he would do what any other patriotic Indian would.  Be on the top of his class in school,  get admission in an IIT, apply for an H1B visa, and then get a job as a server engineer with IBM America for half for what they would pay an American citizen. Then once the visa duration is over, come back home and write a really bad best-selling book about the whole experience.

The Italian Prime Minister needs to get his head surgically removed from his ass. Recently, he told the devastated earthquake survivors whose homes were destroyed causing them to live in tents, to pretend that they were on a "camping trip". He also told them to think of the earthquake as "mild land turbulence" and to dismiss the large rash on their ass which they got from doing their "business" in the woods, as "insect hickeys".

The guy who filed an FIR about Akshay and Twinkle Kumar at the LIFW needs to get laid. Dude, you were at the fashion week. They show more tits there than at Vijay Mallaya's parties. Feigning offense there is like being surprised that the Slim Sauna belt didn't give you a six pack.  In fact, I think a case should be a case filed against you for your obscene show of insanity. Don't the police have much better things to do? Like arresting criminals? Or preventing young people from having sex with each other?

Indian Politicians need to stop trying to trash talk each other. Not only is it boring, it's also a trifle bit embarrassing. Even five year olds can diss each other in a more entertaining fashion.  If they really want to piss each other off, and get high TRP's, I suggest they learn the tricks of the trade by watching back to back episodes of Yo Mamma.

People in India need to stop throwing shoes at our politicians. No, not because I think it's disrespectful. No, no, no. Not at all. It's because I think that it's a waste of a perfectly good shoe.

Network 18 has got to stop showing Arun Jaitley and Kapil Sibbal debating each other. If I wanted to see two lawyers talk about politics, I would watch old episodes of Boston Legal. At least the show has a happy ending. 

Sharad Pawar has got to pick a front he can side with. One day he's with the Third Front. The next day he's back with the UPA. Who does he think he is? Ajit Singh?

Jayanti Natrajan has got to lend me her cloning machine. Not only is she on every channel, every night, at the same time, she's even wearing a different ensemble. I think she's one appearance away from replacing Glenn Close in the third season of Damages.  At the very least , she should at least get her very own X-Men franchise.

The Battle of the Blogs

Due to the extensive coverage provided to their blogs, both Aamir Khan and Amitabh Bachchan have lashed out at the media for misinterpreting and reading too much into what they write on their blogs. Aamir Khan said that "When I wrote about my dog Shahrukh, I was actually just talking about my dog. It is just a coincidence that the biggest movie star today shares his name with my pet. Shah Rukh and I are great friends and the media is wrong in saying that both of us are playing a game of oneupmanship". He added that "Right now, Shahrukh is licking his own balls. Of course, I mean the dog. Ha Ha". Meanwhile Amitabh Bachchan has said that when he pasted screen shots of the Power Point presentation comparing the rating of his show vis-a-vis Sharukh's show on his blog he did not intend any malice. "My intention was to ask the public the reason no one is watching Shahrukh's show even though it is top notch Why, even I might watch his show one of these days". He added that he hoped this cleared the air and that his genuine concern is not misinterpreted as gloating. He also said that the email he sent to Star executives which simple said "I told you so, suckers" was just a joke and should not be taken seriously.
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Disclaimer: The above news article is not true and is meant as a parody. It should not be taken seriously.

All hail the Queen

So I was having a nice morning, enjoying the morning weather while havin my cuppa then I did something really stupid. I picked up the Times of India to see what's up with the world. Needless to say this was a very bad decision. I was blatantly reminded of the reason I do not read that paper.

The front page article was dedicated to Sonia Gandhi ten years as head of the congress party. The tone of the article was overflowing with idol worship and sycophancy. I thought the duty of the press was to present the facts, not distort the truth to bow down to the government of the day. However, even though our country claims to have freedom of speech and claims to be a democracy, the guardians of our freedom (i.e. the press) keeps surprising me with the sycophancy and irrelevance of their reporting.

Instead of starting a debate on certain national issue the newspapers and TV channels pedal one agenda or the other. And the weekly magazines are no better either. I was a subscriber of Outlook and was really angered the way the editor furthered the Congress agenda. Now, I am not dissing outlook, I think their editor is a good journalist and at least discloses in every alternate issue that he is a die-hard congressman. I am also not implying that people shouldn't have a personal political view. My problem is that when an organization which is supposed to be the watchdog of freedom blatantly bows down to one agenda or the other, democracy is in trouble. However, I feel that we never actually had democracy in India. The elected officials are not a representation of the people, rather they are a representation of might. The more thugs they have, the more seats they have. However, that is another topic for another post.

My problem with the Congress party is the extreme level of sycophancy present in that party. I don't beleive that anybody born with the name Gandhi has a right to rule the country. I have no problem with Sonia Gandhi's foreign origin. She could be from Timbuktu for all I care. My problem is just because she married into the Gandhi family, does not give her a right to run the country.

If being the wife of a former prime minister qualifies her for the post, then a brain surgeon's wife can operate on your brain. And please, don't compare this situation to Hillary because (a) Hillary is a politician in her own right (b) She actually is qualified.

She might have rejected the PM's post but that was a political masterstroke. We all know that she is the one actually running the government. Manmohan Singh is keeping the seat warm for Rahul. And if someone says that Manmohan Singh is a PM in his own right well then I have to say, put down the crystal meth. Mr PM has to send memo's to his own ministers to keep him in the loop whilst taking important policy decisions.

It is time that the people of our country learnt that just having a famous last name does not automatically give one the birthright to run the country. There are more qualified and capable people than Rahul Gandhi. There maybe some in the Congress too. I don't endorse any party, I think all parties are scum. However, there are some bright spots. The sad thing is that they would never get an opportunity to run the country because they were not born as a Gandhi. At least in bollywood your surname can only guarantee a good launch. After that you are on your own.

Maybe, someday, when a Gandhi dumber than George Bush comes along, we might elect someone else. Or maybe not. India still might vote for a Gandhi. They aren't' the first family for nothing, are they?