The beagle has landed

 
Manmohan, dude, could you at least get your safari suit dry cleaned?

 

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh arrived in Washington on Sunday afternoon, for a five day "state" visit. Now, no one really knows what a state visit means, but everyone agrees it's sort of important, like the American Idol season finale or Tyra Banks opinion on America's Next Top Model.

Let's see what the demi-gods of our times, the conscious keepers of our nation, those wonderful people who tell you what you need to think, journalists are saying:

DNA wants our jumpy foreign office to stop being so paranoid:

Serious strains in Sino-US relations are showing up barely days after US president Barack Obama concluded a conciliatory visit to China, and ahead of Singh's visit to the US. These belie the paranoid perception from New Delhi that an emerging Washington-Beijing entente is selling India's interests short. In particular, a paragraph in the Sino-US joint statement at the conclusion of Obama's visit, which commits the two countries to promoting peace in South Asia, has given rise to much Indian angst over China being given a "policing role" over Indo-Pakistan relations.

Some analysts caution against the risk of investing too much authority to sentiments reflected in joint statements. "A joint statement is less binding than, say, a joint declaration," points out Pang Zhongying, professor of international relations at Renmin University in Beijing. "If the two sides were sure they wanted to work together, they would have issued a declaration."

Dude, didja forget that our whole foreign policy is based on paranoia? Most of the people in our ministry of external affairs are only seen in public when we have to denounce a statement made by some crazy fuck in Pakistan or some godforsaken "newspaper" in China. But, hey, if it is already broken, why even try to fix it?

Our ambassador to the US, Meera Shankar, thinks that India wants Indo-US ties to be more than just a B2B relationship:

. . . defence relations have seen steady progress as an important aspect of the strategic partnership. Our Defence Policy Group (DPG) and its sub-groups, which meet annually, have acquired substance and depth in their deliberations. There has been an increase in the interaction between our armed forces. All our three services now conduct annual exercises with their US counterparts. At the same time, we are also looking at the US as one of the possible suppliers of weapon systems as we continue to modernize our armed forces. We would like the relationship not just to be limited to a buyer-seller relationship but also to move into areas of joint development and transfer of technology. Our armed forces are also cooperating in areas such as maritime security, which is vital to economic and national interests of both our countries.

Yay. Both our armed forces are ready to take on China the minute the US repays back all the money it owes to home of the dragon.

The US and India will also be signing a pact to cooperate on 'counter-terrorism':

US and India will sign a pact on intelligence sharing and counter-terrorism during the Prime Minister's visit, one of nearly a dozen agreements to be inked during the visit. Details of the pact are not being disclosed yet, but such was the importance of the agreement that CIA Director Leon Panetta flew down to New Delhi last week to discuss details with his Indian counterparts before the fine print could be drawn up. The agreement could involve exchanging and stationing more intelligence personnel in the two countries, including mobile units, to facilitate better interaction.
Initiative for the intelligence upgrade, including ''technical means,'' has come from the US side after Washington finally realized the fallacy of distinguishing Pakistani terrorist groups such as Lashkar-e-Taiba from al-Qaida, a grasp that has been brought home by the latest episode involving the terror suspect duo of Tawassur Rana and Daood Gilani aka David Headley.

Does this mean our guys get to ask Rana why he was metaphorically sodomizing Rahul Bhatt?

Now, there are some people who borrow a page from the Obama campaign and lower expectations:

When Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and his team land at the Andrews Air Force Base in nearby Maryland on Sunday afternoon (early Monday in India) for the first state visited hosted by the Obama administration, they will find a capital region that is bathed in sunshine, although there is a nip in the air that presages winter, and trees are devoid of foliage, autumn having been swept out.

[snip]

However, circumspection is expected to be the order of the day, even though if you go by the fact that this is Singh’s second state visit and the third hosted for India in less than a decade (more than any other country), you’d think the two countries are more than just natural allies or strategic partners . While there is an element of security in the bilateral relationship, India and the US are not allies in the conventional sense and are not likely to be so any time soon, says Walter Anderson, a veteran South Asia hand. His advice: "India will have to formulate its own strategy vis-a-vis its neighbourhood devoid of any unrealistic expectations from Washington, despite the perceived closeness.’’

For a minute there, I thought I was in an Indian novel, with the talk of all the sunshine and the foliage. Before this, I used to think I was the world's worst metaphor writer. Clearly, someone has me beat. 

Now, if for a minute, have you ever wondered how this visit would have been reported in the Soviet Union fifty years ago? Well, if you have, this is your lucky day, because our second most favourite insufferable old curmudgeon, Prakash Karat, answers your question:

The Communist Party of India (Marxist) on Sunday warned the United Progressive Alliance government against allying with the U.S.-led NATO forces in Afghanistan and promised to launch joint struggles with its counterparts in the region against increasing American intervention in South Asia.

[snip]

“We have to continue our struggle against capitalism, put an end to it and establish socialism as the real alternative. At the same time, we also oppose the India-U.S. strategic ties — economic and military,” Mr. Karat said at a public rally at the end of the 11th International Meet of Communist and Workers Parties here.

Where do I even begin? Oh, Prakash. In case you had been asleep for the past twenty years, in the whole decades long football match between socialism and capitalism, the scoreboard stands as, Capitalism - 1, Socialism - 0. Even though capitalism is now crony capitalism, it's evil twin, your system still sucked. Also, fyi, you lost the election. So, please have a nice, warm cup of green tea from China.

Now lets see what the thought leaders on the other side of the pond are thinking. One wonders whether they would be as excited about the visit as much as our own press is.

Since not much of the American press is covering this right now, let's turn our attention to the Times UK, for how the Obama administration is preparing for the Indian PM's visit:

The first dinner party in a new house is a test for every hostess and an awkward eater is the last thing she needs. In Michelle Obama’s case, not only is her first guest of honour an abstemious vegetarian, but the whole world will be watching.

On Tuesday the Obamas host their first state banquet since taking office in January. After the staid years of President George W Bush, who liked to be in bed by 9pm, Washington is desperate for some glamour.

“Official Washington is hungry for this — it’s an important moment,” said Robert Watson, author of American First Ladies and associate professor of American studies at Lynn University, Florida. “It’s a test for Michelle. Every detail will be looked at, from the menu to the guest list, to who’s sitting next to whom. One faux pas and the critics will pounce.”

As the youngest White House family since the Kennedys, the Obamas draw inevitable comparisons. Everyone will be watching to see how Michelle ranks against Jackie.

OMG, did someone remember to send an e-vite to Manmohan?

However, Politico has WON THE DAY, by it's superb coverage of the state visit.

Looks like former President Clinton won't be attending:

Former President Bill Clinton did snag an invite to the White House state dinner on Tuesday, but he won’t be there with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

It’s not a case of “Been there, done that” for Clinton, though he hosted 30 state dinners of his own. Clinton just has other plans. “He’ll be at previously scheduled events in New York,” Matt McKenna, Clinton’s spokesman, told POLITICO.

Well, just get invite a young woman who is on the healthier side. I am sure that Mr Clinton's schedule would 'suddenly' open up.

Now, since Bill isn't going to be there, Mr Hollywood himself, Ari Emanuel, is going to make up for his absence:

Hollywood super-agent Ari Emanuel (and brother to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel) is expected to be at the White House Tuesday evening for the Obamas' first state dinner.

[snip]

Ari Emanuel won't be the only one from Tinseltown at 1600 Pennsylvania on Tuesday. POLITICO confirmed late last week that Hollywood director M. Night Shyamalan will also attend the dinner.

Although, to be fair, Shyamlan's appearance at the dinner will likely be a blink-and-you-miss-it cameo. And, now that he's there, look for something really paranoid and boring to happen, simultaneously.

There were originally supposed to be 400 guests at the banquet. However, since EVERYONE in the WHOLE WORLD basically wants to be there, the banquet will now consist of 600 guests. The only criteria is that you should have some kind of remote connection to India. Cause, for this banquet, brown seems to be the new black.

 

Photo Credit: The Magalorean

Manmohan Singh to visit the US to have awkward conversations of epic proportions

Now that President Obama is all grown up and is allowed to have friends over for the whole night,  he couldn't have invited a guest more polite than Manmohan Singh. Mr Singh probably never leaves wet towels lying around, makes his own bed and would rather starve than raid the host's fridge at midnight. Also, I think he would bring a better gift than the usual ferrero rocher chocolates that the other guests bring.

Anyways, as luck would have it, the Indian PM is Obama's first "official state guest". Ha ha, suck on that, Japan. Obama may bow down to your make-believe emperor, but he's only got eyes for the land of karma. This has impressed all our bureaucrats at South Block and our journalists, because both these groups of people have hearts of little teenage girls and all they want is for someone to make them feel special and whisper sweet nothings into their ear. Over the next few weeks, we will see countless panel discussions and read a zillion articles on how the US has finally de-hyphenated the South Asia desk and now simply hyphenates both Afghanistan & Pakistan together, affectionately referring to both those countries as Clusterfuckistan. This must mean that we finally get to play in the same room as the five veto-powered 'superpowers' whenever one of our schoolchildren visit the UN. We now probably have the same power over the other countries of the world that the BCCI has over the ICC. Pretty soon we will have our own little domestic United Nations, based on the IPL, which we can let Shashi Tharoor head so that he finally gets his childhood wish fulfilled.

However, sadly, this might never come true. That's because due to some unforeseen circumstances like reality, the US and India don't really have a lot of common goals anymore. Both countries view the world with a different prism. The US wants the rest of the world to call it Zen Master Popeye and India just wants everyone to get along and watch musical movies which make no sense unless you suspend logical thinking completely.

There are other tight 'knots' in this friendship band too. The US continues to fight the war on terror on two wrong fronts, while ignoring the real root of the problem in Pakistan. The US also want India & Pakistan to resolve the Kashmir issue which New Delhi doesn't see happening anytime soon, because in reality there is no one in the Pakistani establishment who sees a benefit in making peace with India and no one in the Indian government has hypnotic powers.

Both India and the US are on different sides on the issue of reducing carbon emissions. There doesn't seem to be an urgency in India to 'save the environment' because (a) There are very few out and open Lesbian-hippies in India and (b) the Indian news channels haven't yet shown a "news" report about the environment accompanied by scary, armageddonesque music. So we focus on other pressing issues of the day, like reality shows. 

The only thing India and the US really sorta agree on is the Indo-US nuclear deal, which, it seems, hasn't really been completed yet. Although we've signed agreements for civilian nuclear power with other members of the NSG like France, Russia and Canada. Canada! The Indo-US nuclear deal is like the worst will-they, won't they sitcom storyline ever.

So when President Obama and Prime Minister Singh sit down mano-a-mano to talk business, the conversation will be quite similar to the conversation that parents of an inter-religious couple have when they meet for the first time. They will skip anything which may reek of controversy and try to convince each other that all they want is for their children to be happy.

However, that's not going to deter both parties from praising each other's 'leadership' and how they see a 'new beginning' in this 'important' relationship between the world's largest and biggest democracies, and how together they can work towards solving problems like climate change, terrorism and preventing Twilight and Harry Potter fans from mating.

Of course this will impress a lot of people. But unlike real teenage girls, our metaphorical ones forget to learn life's most important lesson: If Colin Farrell replies to your blood-stained letter in which you confess your true and eternal love for him with a generic "Dear Fan" boilerplate, then, he's just not that into you.

That, and how you always get a zit whenever you have an important date.

 

Damn, looks like I really need to stop watching Drew Barrymore movies. It's kind of affecting my mixed metaphors!

Obama sends message to Indian Prime Minister by writing it on Papyrus with a really big Quill

Six weeks ago, a group of brave men and women dressed like men set sail from the New York Harbour. The purpose of this important, difficult and treacherous voyage was to find and reach the East Indies and deliver a letter to the leader of the people of the East Indies. Not just any letter. A letter from the President of the United States of America. The letter contained a message of peace and was written with the purpose of establishing a treaty of cooperation and friendship between the two countries.

The brave crew of the ship, three of whom were thrown overboard by a white supremacist from the continent of Australia who then himself died of gonorrhoea, dodged thunderstorms, hunger, even fought off pirates who were led by a clever man called Jack Sparrow and finally arrived at their destination a week ago. From the coast they were flown into the capital city by a genie and his magic carpet. They sought an audience with Queen Sonia. They were granted an audience with the Queen's Prime Minister, who met the emissaries of the American President at high noon and they handed over the handwritten letter to him. In return, the Prime Minister gave them an aphrodisiac made from the blood of seven dragons and an instruction guide on yoga written by one a member of the Rajasthan Royal family, Shilpam Shetty, to be presented to the President upon their return. As local officials explained to them, that is how the people of the East Indies start a friendship.

The merry band of visitors even crossed the bridge of dangerous serpents and went to meet scary old Uncle Grumpus.

___________

Okay, I might have exaggerated a little, but c'mon. Really, Mr President? A letter?

How very Nehru of you!

Are you telling us that the recession has hit the United States so bad that you can't even afford an international fax anymore? Are you telling us that instead of Harrison Ford's plane from Air Force One, you now use Harrison Ford's plane from Six Days Seven Nights?

What's wrong with you, Barry?

I would have gone on, but government officials in my country send each other telegrams. What can a brother do?

(Okay, that's the last time I link to that post.)

(On second thoughts, maybe not. It just never gets old.)

___________

By the way, Obama may keep on saying that India is a "crucial" ally and everything, but I'm sensing that he's sort of bluffing.

I think I know why.

He might have called customer support for his computer one time and  he must have faced this:

Thank you for calling ***** *****. All of our operators are currently serving other customers. Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Please continue to hold.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Your call is the next call in the queue.
[Irritating midi tone of "Summer of '69"]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
This call maybe recorded for quality control purposes.

 

And then when he finally reached a customer service representative, the guy took his details, put poor Barry on hold for another half hour and then told him that he needs to buy a new computer.

I'll tell you the same thing I told a kid whose bike I ran over: Shit happens, get over it.

Just be glad that this didn't happen to you.

___________

Maybe Obama might have been pissed at a few members of the Indian establishment who were pulling for John McCain.

Hey, Mr President. We can't help it. We're Indians. We like old people. In fact, we hate young people so much that we don't even listen to anything they say until they grow old and shrivelled.

Also, we only liked George W Bush because he spoke his own version of English, just like us. Pinkie swear.

And some people were pulling for McCain because they thought that if McCain won, then both he and Manmohan Singh can go for a prostate exam together. Those things are really hard and it's comforting to have a friend take it along with you.

Also, the Palins with their hundred kids and knocked up daughter kind of reminds us of the families portrayed on our television. Tee Hee.

 

However, please remember that there were some of us who were on your side.

 

Does that help?

The Indian right is completely wrong about our national security

Everyone knows that I'm not a big fan of the UPA government. Hell, I'm not a fan of any of the probable governments. And it's safe to say that the only thing I know about the election is that I am going to loathe whoever forms the next government.

However, there are two things that in my view the UPA government got right. One, was the Indo-US civilian Nuclear deal and the other was the mature reaction the government displayed after 26/11. That is, after Shivraj Patil resigned to spend more time with his designer clothes.

It was not an easy decision to take. With everyone from the candle light vigilantes, the facebook activists, old leading ladies from Raj Kapoor movies clad in white and every news channel urging the government to conduct "surgical strikes". Yes, because when you want to win a war, you follow the policies of the Bush administration.

Neither do we need a stronger law. When terrorists attack, they don't choose the place with the weakest constitution. It's not like they go "Can't attack India now. They bought back POTA. That makes me want to pee in my snuggie". They come with a motive to kill everyone in their path. And these people aren't afraid to kill themselves either because they have been promised 72 virgins after they die. (Although, from the blog fakesucidebomber we get to know that it's just 7 virgins and they all look like Ritesh Deshmukh in drag).

There are two things that we need to realize about Pakistan. First, the Pakistani state left the building a long time ago. What exists now is a nation and a government just in theory. Secondly, Pakistan was formed on the basis of "We fucking hate India and all the Indians". So for more than sixty years, their whole domestic and foreign policy is based on the concept of being the anti-India. That is why they oppose anything we did or try to do  in the international arena. That is why some Pakistani-Americans raised money to defeat Bobby Jindal in Louisiana when he first ran for the US Congress. (Not that Mr Jindal doesn't try to hide his origin at every opportunity. If he could, he would actually go ahead and paint himself white. According to him, he's just like everyone else in Louisiana, except when he needs to pimp his parent's country of birth  to further his political career). That is why, India-Pakistan matches held in England are like a warzone. Not that the feeling isn't returned. Even we have our fair share of crazy.

The international community believes that Pakistan is best handled by a military dispensation. That's where they are completely wrong. Pakistan is in the position because of it's military. It's in it's current state because the Pakistani army is still fighting the 1971 war, decades after it has ended. The Pakistani armed forces are so obsessed with Kashmir that they don't even see the writing on the wall visible from their own window. (Actually, it's not just a metaphor. According to media reports, there are actual warnings on the wall written by the Taliban which asks the establishment to either lose their jobs or their head). The last thing Pakistan needs is another trigger happy military dictator.

A major part of the polity of Pakistan is based on making India the boogeyman. This attitude is so deeply entrenched in their system that whenever something which they perceive as negative happens to India, there are simultaneous ejaculations in the Pakistani establishment.

What Pakistan now needs to do is what most of us do while growing up. It needs to "find" itself and base it's identity on something other than anti-India-ism.

On our part, when we talk about national security, we cannot abdicate our responsibility. Whether we realize it or not, terrorism is a reality we all need to live with. As long as their is abject poverty in the world, terrorism will exist in one form or the other. We need to learn to deal with that. Yes, Pakistan is to be blamed for a lot of the attacks, but we also need to take a long, hard look at our security apparatus.

What we actually need is a robust national security policy. We need to strengthen our intelligence gathering operations and essentially need to provide our army and police with training and equipment for specific anti-terrorism operations. What we need is political will in New Delhi to invest time and money into our national security apparatus.

What we don't need is rhetoric. Which, thanks to leaders of our political parties we have enough of.  The media does not fare any better. The various anchors across all the channels feign hurt and trepidation to manipulate popular sentiment for increased TRPs. That hurts our country in the long run.

Not that it's surprising. Like always, our media and politicians insist on barking up the wrong tree.

Loose ends

Thursday was the big debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Although pundits called the debate a draw, Sarah Palin proved to the world that she is ready to lead. Ready to lead the next season of Sesame Street.

I'm not saying she was bad at the debate, but her brother, the teacher of a third grade class in an elementary school in Alaska, gave her an "F".

Closer home, the Tata's moved their Nano project from Singur, thanks to the protests led by Ms Mamta Baneerjee. In fact, while the Tata's are welcomed to other states with a red carpet of cheap real estate and tax cuts, Ms Banerjee still remains in a state of denial.

India and the US are finally going to sign the nuclear deal. The left is still visibly upset. In fact, today Prakash Karat withdrew support for his wife's new dressing table and everytime a reporter on any news channel mentions the nuclear-power deal, Sitaram Yechury does a tequila shot.

Nokia is about to release it's real answer to the iPhone. In fact, not only does the new nokia phone have all the bells and whistles the iPhone has, it also does your taxes, sends your girlfriend flowers everytime you screw up and finds you an empty parking spot during peak hours. In fact, the Sarah Palin edition of the phone even detects and kills witches withing a three mile radius.

Health minister Ramados is happy that his nationwide smoking ban is now in place. He says his next target is alcohol. This is all part of his "Suck all the fun out of life" strategy.

History is waiting . . .

“To become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.”



“The price of greatness is responsibility.”



“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it”




No, the above quotes are not by Dr Singh, they are for him.

The time has come for the Government of India to take the final call on the Indo-US nuclear deal.

It's time for our Prime Minister to finally prove his mettle.

What will it be, good doctor?

Will you choose the path of least resistance and squander a historic opportunity for the sake of being in power for a insignificant few more months?

Will you choose to become a national hero, cheered for his vision and respected for his contribution to the India success story or do you choose to be mocked as a man responsible for India's loss of face in the international community?

Do you want to be remembered as a Prime Minister with an enduring legacy or as a Prime Minister who is known as the Bahadur Shah Zafar of the 21st century?

History is ruthless, Mr Prime Minister. It does not give anyone a second chance. This is the act that will define your career. Any other contribution made by you in your entire earlier career will be eclipsed by how you choose to act on the nuclear deal.

It's in you hands, how you choose to be remembered as. With great power, comes great responsibility. The choice you make will affect the lives of all your billion plus countrymen.
Will you choose to take the country forward into the new century or will you plunge it into darkness?

The choice is clear, Dr Singh. All you need to do is stand up for what you beleive in. All you need to do is not cower down to elements opposed to the deal because of flimsy reasons, elements whose logic is far beyond any reality, elements who would sacrifice the good of the country for short term personal gain.

Do what is necessary. Make nice with all your political enemies. It doesn't matter. We will forgive you for all that. After all, in politics there are no permanent friends or enemies.

Sign the deal and we will stand up and applaud you.

Sign the deal and you become the toast of the nation. You get more coverage than the entire bachchan clan.

Sign the deal and we will even try to forget the past four years.

However, if you don't sign the deal, history will label you as the most spineless prime minister ever.

Future generations will remember you not as the man who had a part to play in the development of our country, but as just another politician whose loyalty lay elsewhere.

Dr Singh, remember your oath. Country, People, God, Party. Remember it.

Also remember, that history is ruthless. It does not forgive. Nor does it forget.