What’s Hot: Your guide to a festive weekend!

Did you miss valentines day because you were working and your asshole boss would not let you take the day off and even made you work late? Or is that what you told your partner even though you could have easily taken the day off and when you said “late” you meant you were canoodling with you office sexytime partner? Well, in case you want to make it up or even if you didn’t screw up a made up hallmark holiday and want a weekend out on the town, we are here to help you! We go everywhere and taste everything so that you don’t have to! So here are the most happening events taking place this weekend. Enjoy!

Books

Talk about intellectual stimulation! On Friday, in preparation for World Cup 2011, Roli Books presents a special coffee table book,1983: A Circle Jerk, a pictorial essay of the most glorious day of Indian cricket which did not involve either Sachin Tendulkar or beating Pakistan. The book is the brainchild of India’s only world cup winning captain, Kapil Dev. He has also chosen the title, written the foreword and selected the pictures that were included in this historic book! The MC for the event is another member of the historic team, Kirti Azad. We are glad that both of them took time out from their busy schedule appearing on various news channels to attend this event. Unfortunately, no other members of the historic team will be at the release ceremony as they had something better to do and/or are dead. After the book release, a few select guests will be taken to a small concert hall where international superstar Bryan Adams will perform along with world famous music composer, Biddu.

Movies

This week is all about politics!

Whose speech is it anyway?

Mistaken Identity! International Espionage! People who have no idea how to do their job! From the makers of 27 Dresses: The Shivraj Patil Story comes the most awaited comedy of the year, Whose speech is it anyway? The movie opens with a minister of the Indian government reading a wrong speech at an international conference. He then catches the wrong flight and is then kidnapped by pirates, who think he is someone else! Hijinks ensues, and one hilarious misstep after another almost starts world war 3. Starring Paresh Rawal as the minister, Tom Alter as generic white guy who talks in accented hindi and Rajpal Yadav in blackface as an incompetent Somali pirate.

Prime Minister Slow Motion

This political thriller set in contemporary times is about a geriatric politician who is prime minister in name only. He stands by and watches chaos reign all around him. He is happy to rest on his past laurels and all he wants to do is hold on to power long enough so that his rival, the leader of the opposition, is never able to fulfil his ambition of holding the second most powerful office in the country, (the first being the host of Times Newshour).  All this ends when a young, dynamic leader, a scion of the most powerful political family in the country uses his influence to challenge the status quo and then becomes Prime Minister. He then starts solving problems from overpopulation to climate change. He falls in love with a village belle after eating a meal at her house. She is then kidnapped by his political foes, who are aided in this mission by foreign powers. Will the leader be forced to choose between his country and his lover? Will the foreign powers succeed in dividing the country? Starring thespian Dilip Kumar as Prime Minister Major Slow Motion, AK Hangal as the leader of the opposition and the evergreen Dev Anand as the young, dynamic and charismatic leader who saves the day. Katrina Kaif plays his mother. Anushka Sharma plays the village belle he falls in love with. The movie also contains a sultry item number performed by the demure Dolly Bindra.(The makers of this movie insist that none of the characters in this movie are based on anyone in real life. In fact, the story of the movie is a modern interpretation of the err…umm…. Mahabharatha. Yeah, that sounds about right.)

Exhibition

This week, an exhibition of the photographs of budding photographer Sunanda Pushkar, is being held at Lalit Kala Academy. The model for all the pictures is the photographers muse and husband, former Union minister, Shashi Tharoor. The exhibition includes many haunting images like “Shashi Tharoor staring thoughtfully into the future” and “Shashi Tharoor standing next to the parliament building and staring thoughtfully into the future”. There is also a humour section which displays playful images like the one in which Shashi Tharoor pretends blowing a trumpet which is also called Shashi Tharoor. Unfortunately, the controversial image “Shashi Tharoor riding a holy cow” was removed after lawful protest by members of the Hindu Janajaguriti Samiti. Light music and entertainment will be provided by visiting international superstar, Bryan Adams who will be accompanied by the Prince dance group, winners of the first season of India’s Got Talent.

Theatre

The India Habitat Centre has a special treat for all it’s members this weekend. A special performance of the one man show “My Struggle for India”, written & directed by noted playwright and part-time politician Amar Singh. It is a touching story about a man who just wants to do right by his country and is betrayed at every stage of his life by the people closest to him. He loses everything, including his pants, but still keeps carrying on, refusing to ride into the sunset. Starring award winning Hollywood actor Danny DeVito, this touching story will have you crying harder than a small child who just found out that his dad killed Santa Claus!

 

Food

Opening this weekend, in the heart of the capital, is a new fusion restaurant, The Berlusconi Plaza. That’s right! Placed right between the CWG games construction site and Palika Bazar, this new “concept” restaurant is just what the city needed!  You thought Chicken Manchurian was a big fucking deal? Wait till you let your tastebuds satiate on such signature delicacies like Mutter Meatballs and Sag Spaghetti! Come for the great food, stay for the awesome dessert! You can choose between “The Italian Senator”, in which a leggy Italian blonde hooker blows you while you eat your favourite ice cream or “The ND Tiwari”, in which an underage girl-child from Bangladesh feeds you crushed strawberries and cream while another rubs ben-gay all over your aching limbs! On the opening night, dance to appetizing tunes from the 90s, courtesy of guest DJ and international superstar, Bryan Adams.

How Twitter changed my life!

On a fateful night two years ago I have absolutely no recollection of, I joined the “microblogging” site popularly referred to as Twitter. Little did I know that when I filled in that form with my details and clicked on “Create my Account”, my life would be changed forever.

Before I joined twitter, I was just like you. I foolishly thought that I had my life all figured out, thanks to the secret of life revealed to me in the book, The Secret. If all I had to do to make things happen was to WISH for them, I could do that all day long. So I quit my job and spent my days wishing for things. When after a few months nothing happened, I began to question my worldview. One particularly tough night, after spending hours wishing for a measly glass of Rum & Coke, I realized that the Universe wasn’t really listening to me. It was probably spending it’s time paying attention to some malnutritioned African kid and serving him MY rum & Coke. It dawned on me that the universe was a socialist with a bleeding heart and an NPR tote bag!

So it was up to me to look after myself. I bought a bootleg copy of The Fountainhead (free markets FTW!), and spent the next month reading it (have you seen the size of that damn book?).One day, the ghost of Ayn Rand appeared in my dreams and asked me to sign up for twitter. The ghost also asked me to lend it some money, because apparently, the shops in hell are a little expensive, being monopolistic enterprises and all. I realized that Ayn was testing me and refused to lend her ghost any money. In fact, I told Ayn’s ghost the same thing Ayn would tell a bearded 90 year old man who just lost his life savings in the stock market, “Get a job, whiskers!”.

Now, unbeknownst to me, Twitter was a treasure trove of wordly knowledge. It had the wisdom of Socrates, the catchiness of Confucius, the gimmickry of Yoda and the cultural relevance of Lady Gaga. So when my life changed for the better, I thought I had to share the secret with the rest of the world, as all enlightened beings are supposed to.

Here’s a gist of all the knowledge I was able to amass:

1. The art of listening: The first thing that surprised me about twitter was that in order for people to pretend to care about what I have to say, I had to accord them the same courtesy. Being a blowhard IRL (i.e. In Real Life for all you n00bs out there!), this was hard for me to understand at first. Did other people expect me to listen to them? Why would I listen to anyone when I already know what they want to say, based on how they look? Is this what being social was all about? I know that now, because of twitter. Another thing I learnt was that all I have to do to make people feel “special” is to feign interest in what they’re saying! Who’da thunk it?

2. The art of letting go: On twitter, once you write a tweet, you need to let it go.Though, be warned, It’s not that easy. In the beginning, when you see the vowels from your tweets being plucked out as harshly as a catholic priest plucks the virginity of a choir boy, all you would want to do is physically punch the culprit. You tire of the constant need to bang your head against the wall when you see someone appending a word to your tweet and totally changing it’s context. You also learn to not care about the dozens of people who will simply copy your tweets and tweet them as their own. Once you put something out there, it isn’t yours anymore. So let it go. Set it in the wild. And, if it loves you as much as you love it, it will come back to you in the form of a text message.

3. The art of sounding exotic: Thanks to twitter, I was able to learn how I can get people from other countries to pay attention to mundane events in my life like waking up or raindrops. All you have to do is romanticize everything, sprinkle a bit of melancholy, and voila before you can say “Jai Ho”, you have thousands of followers! For example, my room isn’t filthy, it’s “proof that I live a full life because each millimetre of dust contains millions of memories!” (Sadly, that doesn’t work on my Mom!). Similarly, politicians aren’t just corrupt, they “feed off the carcasses of hungry children, remaining oblivious to their plight, all the while trying to fill their insatiable greed and rotund bellies”. 

4. What women want: Earlier, all my knowledge about woman was gathered from the Mel Gibson movie, What Women Want. However, since recent events have revealed that Mel Gibson clearly has no idea about women (at least not the type of women I would like to attract), I had to turn to a new source of wisdom. And I found him on twitter. My new personal love guru, Chetan Bhagat, has made me see the light with his constant tips & tricks on how to impress women. It has not worked until now, and I have ten restraining orders against me. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll find the one one of these days. If the woman on twitter are any indication, I am almost certain that woman in general think more about sex than men. That’s because statistically,  if you’re a woman and you’re on twitter, you probably spend most of your time spewing more innuendo than an 80s British sitcom. Although, my guru tells me that the women on twitter aren’t the ones you take home to your parents. I wonder what he means by that?

5. How to support a cause: Before twitter, I was always in a flux whenever I wanted to do something for the world at large. You know, give back to the world and all that jazz. Now, whenever I hear about a cause that I think I can support, I always add a ribbon to my twitter profile picture (or as the cool kids call them, a twibbon!). Joining a facebook group is so 2007! In fact, thanks to twitter, I got Barack Obama elected as President, brought real democracy to Iran and helped cure breast cancer. That pretty much concludes my quota of “good deeds” for the rest of the decade. Santa better bring me loads of stuff this christmas!

6. Feeding your insanity: Whatever mental illness you suffer from, twitter can act as an enabler. If you are a masochist, you can follow “celebrities” on twitter and their banality will help mangle all your senses. This is even more painful than lying on a bed of nails. If you suffer from low self esteem, you can follow people who have poor language skills and a really delusional sense of self, which helps you feel a little bit saner about yourself. However, don’t feel that sane, you’re on twitter after all. I mean that as a good thing. In this Jersey Shore-ified world, being insane is a one-way ticket to popularity. Remember, all the insane people have the most followers.

7. Creating lazy content – Not only do the people on twitter like reading whatever’s on twitter. they are also really eager to read other people’s analysis about twitter. Even though almost every post/article on twitter says the same thing, people still like to read them and then retweet them, because this way they can pretend to laugh at themselves. Another reason why twitter posts are popular is because a post on twitter is the easiest thing to write. Start the post by making fun of a public figure you revile, throw in a few references to people tweeting about the food they eat, add some banal celebrities and rephrase what everyone else has said before along with some jokes. End the whole thing by adding a few meta references (because it’s important for the world to know that you can laugh at yourself too!) and your twitter post is ready.

BREAKING: Arundhati Roy arrested by fashion police!

After appearing at a public event a couple of days ago, noted writer and regular user of Dabur Amla Hair Oil, Arundhati Roy, was arrested in the evening today for crimes against fashion. She has been taken into stylist custody. Tomorrow morning, she will appear before a panel headed by Justice Tim Gunn which will decide on further action to be taken. Her sentence might include watching the movie The Devil Wears Prada everyday for the next year and a free lifetime subscription to Vogue magazine.

An insider who refused to publically give his name as he wasn’t appropriately dressed said that Ms. Roy has been repeatedly warned against committing such heinous offences like wearing a cocktail dress to a morning event and buying off the rack.

Noted designer Manish Malhotra termed her outfit at the public event as a ”seditious felony against couture”. “She acts as if the rules of fashion do not apply to her”, he continued.

Sources in the ministry of fashion told us that in a report submitted by LIFW agents assigned to spy on her it was revealed that she gets her hair done from the same barber as Jairam Ramesh.

Sagarika Ghose, CNN-IBN journalist and the second person ever to be given the title Nightingale of India, wondered on twitter “Why has Arundhati not yet understood that Jimmy Choo is an integral part of the modern Indian woman’s wardrobe?”

The death of romance on Indian television

 

The other day I was aimlessly teevee surfing, trying to watch something watchable on Indian teevee (yeah. my bad!), which I tend to do from time to time, being the eternal optimist I am. I didn't succeed in that, as usual, but I did realize something which gave me the sads.

A sort of epiphany, if I may say so.

They finally killed romance at it's last remaining place of residence.

Television.

During the early 90's, when everyone was still innocent (because the internet was not that widespread and the only way to learn about sex was to read one of the 200 printed copies of  a Shobha De book) and the only supercouple on teevee was Ram & Sita (they were like Bella & Edward from Twilight, except with less brooding and no sex), the leading protagonist from the epic Ramayana (it was just like Avatar, except instead of an American company, the good guys were fighting a really smart evil king. And the leader of the good guys was an actual real life AVATAR! In fact, he was probably the first Avatar ever!!).

So this ancient supercouple were the ideal representation of love on the small screen.  However, their love took an ugly turn (which was very Alec Baldwin/Kim Bassinger-esque) and Sita ended up visiting her aunt in the earth's core, forever. (That's how the used to break up in ancient times. None of the modern 'I hope we can be friends' crap. Once you were done, boy, were you fucking done!).

Apparently, melodrama was all the rage back then!

The next supercouple which caught the nation's eye was from a cartoon show. Even though the show was for little children, it caught the adults fancy. That was because it contained the cutest couple on Indian television ever, Bagheera & Baloo.

Yes, that's right.

Though they weren't a conventional couple, and their love was the love that dare not speak it's name, (homophobia was all the rage back then) those of us in the know nodded our head and played along.

On Sunday morning, whenever that really irritating song came on, the whole family sat together and saw Bagheera and Baloo bring up their adopted retarded human child, whose name was Mowgli. In fact, if it wasn’t for them, Mowgli would have grown up to be an animal!

They bickered, fought over all the little things like household expenditures and in-laws, however, just like every other teevee couple, they made up.

Awww, love, thy name is Bagheera & Baloo!

Then, in the aughts, came the supercouple to beat all the other supercouples.

The greatest one of them all.

Mihir and Tulsi.

Indian teevee’s Bragelina!

They had 1,000,0000,00000,0000000,0000000,000000 kids, of both the legitimate and the illegitimate variety, magically born without them ever “bumping uglies”. They stayed together through so many ups and downs, aided in their adventures by one lonely woman who was probably as old as the earth itself.

Both Mihir & Tulsi loved each other so much that they came back from the dead, a couple of times, just to be with each other again. In fact, both of them voluntarily kept changing their appearance so as to keep the romance alive!. Say what you will about them but, boy, that's called commitment.

Now, even thought those two are not on teevee anymore, sometimes, when the night sky is clear, one can see them floating in space, along with their favourite old woman, because their saga is endless, just like a Manmohan Singh speech .

That was the past.

And this is the present.

'I just want to grab once' is the new 'Honey, your eyes are so beautiful'

Just like everything else, the most unreal thing on the teevee, "Reality Television", has ruined romance!

All everyone wants to do in these shows is fuck each other & get famous! Nobody wants to do the hard work of developing an actual talent. Even if they want to sleep their way to the top, they should do it discreetly, like in they used to do in olden times!

I don't know about you, but I'd rather believe that some woman lived for a thousand years rather than some misogynist who looks like Himesh Reyshamia and Shakti Kapoor had a love-child will get two, intelligent woman to get "intimate" with him. Although, girlfriend, if you end up with that guy, you’re really not that intelligent!

There was a time when people actually cared for the pretention of romance. In fact, some families were so modern that they let both their children speak to each other before they arranged their marriage!

And from that we went to this?

What has the world come to? A person can't even cheat on his significant other. Isn't that what they are there for? Why can't they find out about each other’s ventures outside their relationship in twenty years, when the illegitimate child comes to take his share of the money, like other normal people?

This began when all of us started watching Ally McBeal and took relationship advise from the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.! 

We took something so beautiful like forcibly living together with each other even though the love died long ago and all you’re doing now is keeping up appearances and we turned it into something so ugly! 

This is going to be our generation’s teevee legacy. A bunch of illiterate people shouting the f-word at each other, completely out of context.

We helped kill something which gave hope to millions of suppressed kids that maybe one day they might actually have a chance to be happy before they grew up and their cynicism took over.

For that, we need to hang our heads in shame.

Just like the old guy wearing a wig young woman in the scene below.

An open letter to the Indian government to stop hating on Indian Culture

[Warning: Some links are probably NSFW. Also, if you really believe in the whole 'Indian culture' thing really seriously, some things, ummmmm, might not sit well with you. So I suggest you go to the nearest place of worship instead. Or haggle some random news anchor on twitter.]

Dear Indian Government,

Before you read any further, let me first ask you to hand this letter to an adult. No, not just anyone whose age is more than 18, but someone who can actually think like an adult. Possibly someone who doesn't giggle when they see human reproductive parts or cover their mouth with both hands when they say a 'bad word' like peepee.

I'm waiting.

Okay, fine. Since there is no one in your 'august organisation' who actually fits that description, I'd have to make do with whoever is actually reading this letter.

So, hey, what is up? (That is how we begin letters in 2010. None of the 'Dear ____' crap they taught you in school in the 1880s.)

I heard recently that you banned FTV. Again.

What is your beef exactly?

That they showed boobs?

Now, let me ask you for a minute, WHY ARE YOU AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE?

You see, before all the prudes invaded us and plundered us like they do to Paris Hilton, we were a country of non-prudes. In fact, all the best art-movie sex was being had in India, while those boring Europeans had only the 'missionary position' to work with. Although, to be fair, if you need to take off thousands of layers of clothes before you have sex, you're probably too tired to try anything but the missionary position anyway.

Look, we invented good sex in India. We're the land of the Kama Sutra (not the lame movie you also kind of banned. But the actual ancient text, which is much more famous than the Maharamamayana or whatever).

Did you know that when they accidentally invented the zero, they were actually trying to explain to people how a circle jerk works? I bet you didn't. That's what happens when you get celibate right-wing idiots to re-write your history.

Also, did you know that we have ancient caves in India which show actual ancient people having sex? Don't look now or you'll get a heart attack, but some of the ancient people even did it doggie style!

I know! It's a hard thing to digest.

You can stop crying now.

In ancient times, being a nymph was considered a good thing. They were worshipped, even! Now, people like you consider a girl who even talks to a boy a whore, and beat her/get her married to the nearest rich-old man!

And stuff they did in public back then would actually get you arrested nowdays! Or worse, get some dipshit jackass prudes who have nothing better to do except trying to stop people from having sex to file a PIL against you!

They didn't even need to have 'wardrobe malfunctions' during kama-sutric times. They believed that, if you have, not just flaunt it, but carve it on a fucking stone!

Also, most scientific and empirical evidence points to the fact that if kids take out their "pubertal frustration" (I'm using euphemisms, so as to speak your language, since you're scared shitless of saying the words 'sexual intercourse' or 'masturbate'.) during puberty, they don't turn into Shiny Ahuja. Do you really want to be responsible for a nation of Shiny Ahujas?

So, dear government, let the nice FTV ladyee show her wombachumbas.

Because, dude, she is doing more for public welfare than you ever will.

Therefore, on behalf of all the remaining adults in the country, and in the interest of public welfare and maid safety, I implore you to stop hating on Indian culture.

KThanksBai

Welcome to the offense economy

Are you one of them lazy fucks who wants to get famous but don't want to do the hard work like suck up to judges in a reality show? Do you want to be the self-appointed & self-righteous spokesperson for millions of other people who don't want you to speak on their behalf? Are you mentally unstable and have family and/or intimacy issues? Have you never spoken to someone outside your immediate family? Do you like Jackie Shroff movies?

Then do we have an offer for you!

Welcome to the offense economy, where everything is made up and the issues don't matter!

Just like everything else, to succeed in the offense economy, you need (a) A determination to succeed despite all the odds (b) Psychopathic tendencies (c) An ability to say the most vile things, without any remorse whatsoever.

If you got that, then we have the tools to help you achieve your goal!

Now, let's start with the basics. Here is an outline of how the offense economy works:

You do something stupid --> You get a large amount of time on teevee --> The people who own the teevee channels make money --> They keep talking about you --> You get undue influence    --> You keep doing more stupid things --> They keep talking about you --> They make more money --> You get more undue influence --> *∞

Confused? Need more explanation?

Let us break it down for you.

Now, understand and memorize (where applicable) all the steps involved in achieving our goal:

1. Choose something to be angry about. It could be anything. A book, a TV show, a movie, a group on Orkut, a few dozen people having fun in a bar, anything that gets your goat (or doesn't. You don't have to be actually offended, you just have to pretend that you are. Everyone else will play along).

2. Make sure it's a slow news day (which is almost everyday, except the days India has a cricket match or Shah Rukh Khan has a movie out. Don't even try to go against Shah Rukh Khan, because no one can ever beat him at famewhoring!).

3. After you've selected your target, gather a few dozen out of work people like you, and start protesting by breaking/burning stuff up. For eg: If it's a bookshop, attack the shop and tear some books. If it's a movie you don't like, attack the theatre. If it's a television show you are fake-outraged by, go attack their local office etc.

4. Before you attack your target, make sure that you alert a few news channels about the
"unorganised" expression of "outrage". This is the most important step. Don't worry about the news channels ignoring you. That will never happen, no matter how silly your protest.

5. After the footage of you and your fellow "protestors", has been canned, give out your phone number and go home and prepare the rant that you will be giving to the tv "news" shows later.

6. Make sure your rant is as vile and as threatening as possible. Pepper your speech with liberal (ha!) doses of "We will not let _____ hurt the sentiments of our _______ community" and "This _____ is against our _____ culture". That is very important, because once you say that, no government will touch you because any government in India literally shits bricks at the thought of protecting free speech. Yes, they are pussies in that department. They only pick on easy, elitist targets!

7. Millions of outraged Indians will protest your actions through twitter & facebook status messages. Hey, you might even trend on twitter (due to which many thousands of proud Indians will point out how instead of Justin Beiber, an Indian topic is trending ZOMG!). Someone might even write a blog post which while masquerading as satire, will basically be a rant having a huge undercurrent of cynicism! But you probably don't even know what these things are, so why bother learning about them?

Now, remember that each event you stage will get you about a week or two of coverage. Three if you're lucky.

The following is a timeline of the events:

Week 1

This week will consist of various one-on-one interviews. You can pick and choose your appearances. Make sure that you choose more hindi/local language channels because they would be more sympathetic to your cause. English channels should only be used when you want to scare people further. The hosts of these programs will help you immensely because they have perfected the art of feeding lines to their interview subject while simultaneously acting outraged. It's modern art, really. Remember, do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, try to sound reasonable. That will destroy your buzz before you can say Halla Bol!

Week 2

After week 1, your role is over. Week 2 will revolve around how free speech in India is dead, thanks to people like you. Do not appear on ANY panel discussion during this time. Instead, the news channels will schedule other people with extreme points of view to argue against/on your behalf. Sit back on your sofa, grab a box of popcorn and enjoy the ride. Throughout the week, prime time news will being focusing on you and your actions. Barkha Dutt will call a few guests and ask them the same question in different words, Arnab Goswami and Suhel Seth will spend the whole time interrupting each other, Rajdeep & Sagarika will continue to shout at the camera and whatishisname at Headlines Today will continue to look like someone permanently attached his eyebrows to the top of his forehead so that he could continue to have an always-on exasperated expression.

Week 3

If you've managed to keep yourself in the news for this long based on a single incident, then well done! You must have done something really, really vile! If you didn't, well, next time try harder? Now, since most of the mileage that they could gather from your story has been gathered, the coverage during week 3 will be in the form of we-the-people type weekend shows. Here, a panel discussion will take place along with an audience. Most of the same points that have been repeated for the past two weeks, will get a final airing. However, before the end of the show, an audience member will say something emotional & patriotic (like "Be an Indian first" etc.) which will be useless and bullshit-y, but will make everyone in the audience applaud like crazy. The anchor of the show will then close the show on a somber but surprisingly happy note. And then everyone will go back home, until they are called on to do the same thing again.

There. CONGRATULATIONS! You're now a bonafide famewhore. A celebrity.

Your name will live on in infamy.

At least until the next guy who does the same thing!

Tiger Woods apologizes for being just too fucking awesome!

[pic via Reuters]

So the world came to a stop on Friday to collectively sit back and watch Tiger Woods robotic apology. Now, Tiger seemed to be a little dispassionate about his 'apology'. So, we, at Overrated Outcast decided to investigate the matter and find out what really went on. Turns out, this was not the speech Tiger originally wanted to give. The speech he was supposed to give was vetoed at the last minute by his PR team. So, we 'convinced' one of Tiger's blonde hussies to give us a copy of the original speech, due to the right to information act (which does not apply to US jurisdiction, but our blonde operative, Jessica Simpson, did not know that). So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods's original speech (needless to say, this is so not safe for work. Or children. Or women):

Hey Everyone, thanks for gathering here, to hear me speak. Some of you here are my friends, some of you are my colleagues and as for the rest of you, I have no fucking idea what you are doing here.

The only reason I called this non press conference is because I'm fucking tired of all your fucking insinuation about my private life. So I'm just going to spell it out for you.

Yes, I did sleep with a lot of women. Yes, most of them were blondes. Yes, I like having sex.

Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a fucking river.

Back when I was in high school, and I was a kid and didn't have any friends because no one wanted to be friends with that weird kid who plays and talks about golf all day. Not even that weird fat girl who made Ugly Betty look like a goddess. No one gave a shit when I didn't have a date to my own Senior Prom and I sat at home and watched reruns of The Cosby Show.

Now that I'm rich and good looking and get more tail that all the Kennedy brothers combined (yes, I get more tail than JFK, the guy whose middle name was "Fucking"), everyone's bothered and up in my bizness.

You know what, fuck you.

I don't have a sex 'addiction'. I have what every other guy on this planet (& Ann Coulter) has.

A dick.

I get horny. So I do what any other person in my position would have done, I go out and have sex.

What's so wrong with that?

The only person who should have a problem with that is my wife.

Anyone else is just being too fucking nosy for their own fucking good.

I don't care if you judge me. You have nothing better to do anyway.

I'm a slut. A man-whore. A casanova. A womanizer. Hell, I'm the black male version of Paris fucking Hilton. In fact, there is even a Rihanna song about me! 

Don't expect a fucking apology tour from me, cause I ain't no fucking politician, and I don't need your fucking approval rating.

However, I do think I need to apologize to some people.

I apologize to all those single and not so single women that I have yet to sleep with. I promise you that I will get to you one of these days.

I apologize to all those people who had to bear all these pre-medieval fucks bark about things which are essentially none of their fucking business. 

In fact, I'm sorry I'm just too fucking awesome for most people to recognize.

I'm not sorry for what I did. In fact, after this bloody thing is over, Imma gonna do it again,

As for parents who think I'm a bad role model for children? Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm a great fucking role model. It's important to teach your kids that the only way you can get so much tail is if you either have money or are good looking. Hell, scratch good looking. If you only have money. So, kids, if you're listening. No matter how ugly your are, no matter how many people pick on you, no matter what your parents say, when you grow up, just work towards one thing: Making money. Everything else is crap. If you have money, you can fucking do anything. And no one is gonna stop ya.

As for those sponsors who ditched me midway, Fuck You. I made more money for you than anyone else. You know, Accenture, no one even cared for your small-ass consultancy before I let you put my picture up next to your logo. And as for Pepsico, I made drinking Gatorade look cool. Even some hot-shot basketball player couldn't pull that off. Well good riddance to bad rubbish. I always preferred Coke anyway.

As for all those bad-ass players, my so called 'peers' who think they're better than me, well I got news for ya buddy. I'm the best fucking golfer this world has even seen or will ever see. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't have to play even a single day of golf if I don't want to. I have more fucking money than I know what to do with. I'll be spending my Sunday afternoons with Candy and the rest of her hot stripper friends while you are going to be 50, and playing in some lame-ass "Masters" tournament, in the middle of fucking nowhere like Peru or Narnia.

So, a here's a big, sweet merry Fuck You to you too.

As for the media, I didn't join the cast of Jersey Shore and get into their STD-infested sauna for the world to talk about my 'sex-life'. And I didn't go around like the Ghost of Larry King and marry 7 dwarf-wives. By the by, CNN, this is why no one's watching you. Cause you're talking about a fucking glfer and his fucking whores!

Lastly, Brit Hume, you slimy, old mother fucking asshole, Fuck you.

Also!

Now, everybody, let's stop worrying about my penis and get back to more important things.

Like, have you given any money for Haiti lately?

A treasury of classical greatest twitter hits from Sagarika Ghose

Famous crazy person, Sagarika 'Shouty' Ghose, who screams from inside your teevee every night, also has a twitter machine, which is full of comedic gold.

Here are a few selected classics:

Here, Ms. Ghose appears to be apologizing to a movie, for leaving a stain on it's coffee table, perhaps?

She loves Dan Brown. Now her whole 'reporting' makes sense.

OMG, she JUST discovered the subject for the next Dan Brown best-seller!!1! The HOLY GRAIL of Global Warming! It's almost orgasmic, for Dan Brown fans!!!

Yes, because the temperature changes are only happening in the West. Having a heat wave and a cold wave in the same frikin year signifies that mother nature is simply trying to be fair in choosing the method with which to kill homeless people. And who knows better about the science behind global warming than an economist?

*Facepalm*

Yes. And Ms. Ghose, who is the daughter of Bhaskar Ghose, famous I&B secretary, and wife of Rajdeep Sardesai, her boss, is clearly against nepotism. Well, done maa'm. Well, done.

Those goddamn poors do not know how to behave. They should just behave like good poor people and be happy that they have got the opportunity to study in a "foreign" University. A "journalist" like "Sagarika" "Ghose" will not "stand" for such "behaviour". ( I might have "overdone" with the quotation marks. "Sorry".)

She will single-handedly kill Haldirams and all it's thousands of branches, by not gracing it with her benign presence.

I am willing to bet good money that she talks to her plants. And by talking I mean SHOUTING ON THE TOP OF HER VOICE. Her plants are not not growing because of the season, THEY ARE SCARED & AFRAID THAT SHE WILL TALK TO THEM, EVERYDAY!

I hadn't read this tweet before I posted the previous one. Honest!

Yes, bollywood is famous for such Bohemian and Liberal movies such as DDLJ, HAHK, K3G etc. Because nothing says liberal like movies which 'empower' woman by portraying them as pawns in the hands of men. And those crazy Bohemian movies, which portray children who don't obey every single directive from their parents as evil! Also, Alok Nath's career, for some reason.

 

Yes, it's so great that she can win a debate against a straw man. It's such an accomplishment to offend people that are looking for something to be offended at!! Bravo, Ms. Ghoss! Bravo!!

Childish name calling and generalising is such a great way to win an argument. Grouping and stereotyping your opponents on the basis of religion is the same bullshit tactic that is used by the very people she pretends to stand against. Using your soapbox to score brownie points against people with whom you have a political disagreement with is simply the way of the coward.

Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Comparisons!! My turn! If Sagarika Ghose is India's Sarah Palin. then Rajdeep Sardesai is it's John McCain. If Sagarika Ghose offends you, then you probably must be stupider than she is. If you watch Sagrika on teevee everyday, there is a 1000% chance of you becoming suicidal.

 

[Tweets via Sagarika Ghose's Twitter feed]

The truth is nothing but a well produced marketing campaign

[Note: This is not a review of the new RGV film, Rann.  I haven't seen the film, and frankly I don't plan too.]

One thing that is apparent from the buildup to the new Ram Gopal Varma movie, Rann, is that Ram Gopal Varma hates the media.

Shocker! I know.

What makes me say that, you ask?

Well, if you haven't seen the thousands of of interviews he's given about 'hating the media', to the media then you must have seen him hold discussions with members of the cast of his movie, which was shown during prime time on the same "news" channels whose dubiousness he plans to expose. Or maybe you caught the press conference he held for journalists in which he told them how much he didn't care for them. Or maybe you are a journalist and were invited to the special screenings of his movie, which was held exclusively for journalists.

He's probably angry with the media for giving him so much coverage. I mean remember right after Rangeela and Satya the media anointed him as the master filmmaker?  And then, out of nowhere, they dropped him like a hot potato after the disastrous Sholay remake [in their own opinion RGV still stands by his masterpiece.] and those nineteen hundred Antra Mali movies. They called him a failed genius!

Him. The man who has the eye of Copola, the passion of Tarnatino and the raw cinematic vision of Hitchcock.

RGV will not play their game again!

He will also not be seduced by their current efforts to band him as "The Comeback Kid".

RGV will not be fooled by the media. Because he has seen the emperor and the emperor has no clothes!

What his "enemies" in the media have forgotten is that Ram Gopal Varma is an outsider. An outlier, as our friend Malcom Gladwell would say. 

That is why he only works with such small name actors like the Bachchans. And who has even heard of Paresh Rawal? The only "big star" who appears in his movies is Ritiesh Deshmukh, who, let's face it, only does Varma's movies for the friendship, as he is so busy otherwise, playing both male and female leads simultaneously!

Do you think Varma is in the business of making movies for the money?

Sheeple, please.

He is the personification of you, a brave everyman underdog trying to take on the system and show the truth behind the truth!

He does not care about how much business his movies do. That's just a bonus! He probably gives away all the profits, to charity!

He's just here to change society.

And don't you ever forget that!

This is what a bad hair day looks like!

There are men who are born to a life of mediocrity. Men who are born to work, eat and wither away. Men who go by their whole lives, without being noticed at all. Men who fall by the wayside, never to be heard from again. Then there are those men who born into greatness. Men who have destinies to fulfil. Men who by the sheer force of their willpower end up changing the world. Men who are the true heroes of our time.

One such hero is Mr. Jairam Ramesh. Friend of the blog, hair enthusiast and all round nice guy. After first proving that global warming is a conspiracy and then still coming up with a solution for it, toupee Gandhi is now trying to solve the problem of BT Brinjal, which, as it turns out, is not a type of brinjal sponsored by British Telecom (who knew?).

Anyways, Dr. Hairspray decided that enough was enough and it was time for a change. So he went to West Bengal, the brinjal capital of India (not really. But it adds a little sense to the narrative. So just shuddap and play along).

Since His Hairness is a man of the people, he thought that he would give the people a chance to speak to him. All his friends and co-heroes asked him not to consider views of the lesser beings. But he ignored their sage advice. 'Nay', he said to all the naysayers. He would discard his ego like a bad strand of hair and listen to the wisdom of the less heroic. The less knowledgeable. The people who have no greatness bestowed upon them. The ones who have not been chosen by the almighty to lead the people onto the light.

He braved rain, wind, wind blowing sand in his face, heat, and the arctic cold, (miraculously none of which was able to mess his hair. I need to find out which product he uses), so as to reach his people.

And what did the people do?

 

The people failed him.

All he wanted to do was listen to his people. And they shout at him. Scream at him? Throw ineligible words at him? Try to insult their beloved Captain Haircut? After everything he did for them?

All this just for some goddamn brinjals? It's confounding, is what it is. 

Shame on you, people. Shame on you! How could you? How can you sleep at night knowing how much hurt you caused to our heroes' heart?

However, a small setback like this does not deter our great hero. If the people want him to leave, he would get out of their hair in an instant. He doesn't need their permission to do what's good for them. A true hero sees things us mere mortals cannot even fathom. A true hero saves you from calamities you may never even know off. As some old guy once said, with great power comes great amounts of money great responsibility.

He may be wounded, but he still has a lot of fight in him.

He will be back.

To fight for the people.

To fulfil his destiny.

To take his people onto the light.

Stay tuned, mere mortal.

Stay tuned cause it's going to be one hair raising spectacle.

The future is finally here: Scientifically accurate predictions for the next awful ten years of your life

Even though the jury is still out on whether this is technically the start of the new decade or not, we are simply going to ignore all that and just like the mainstream media do whatever the hell we want to. Since everyone and their mother have summed up the last decade in hundreds of nauseating ways, we thought that we would channel the dead spirit of nostradamus (and the people who were pretty darn sure that Iraq had WMD's) and just like them, based on absolutely nothing, come with predictions which might or might not be true. Who really knows or cares because isn't everything printed on the internets the gospel truth?

The decade will start by forcing everyone who wants to travel in an airplane to basically travel nude because some dipshit who got tired of scamming people by pretending to be the son of a deposed prince and then wanted to blow up his crotch to prove a point which no one really knows (or as Joe Liberman put it, 'preemptive War on any Muslim sounding country'). Since no luggage will be provided, airlines will try to recoup their losses by charging people with large body parts more money under 'extra baggage'. Emo kids and reality teevee stars will also be asked to pay double, due to their large amount of emotional baggage.

If no celebrities will die then Larry king will get Nancy Regan to séance with Michael Jackson's ghost in which he will finally confess to being a white catholic Republican lady in disguise. This will ensure that Jebus forgives all his 'alleged' child-porn sins.

The oracle of hope, President Obama, will win the 2012 election by default because Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin will end up inadvertently shooting each other in their Last Hunter Standing match at Wrestlemania, which would be held to decide the nomination for the Republican candidate.

The green movement in Iran will finally win their fight for electoral reform. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will escape to America where he will be hired as a contributor to Fox News wherein his only task would be to appear on the screen for five minutes during the Glenn Beck show and make scary faces while continuously shouting "Death to Diet Bagels".

Sometime during the decade, Arnab Goswami will get tired of shouting at the camera and decide to take matters into his own hand and will invade Pakistan along with Farook Dhondy and Suhel Seth.

Meanwhile, in Pakistan, Bilawal Bhutto Zardari will gay-marry Hussain Sharrif so that their love-child, Benazir Bilawal Asif Nawaz Hussain Zardari Bhutto Sharif, will become the youngest President of Pakistan.

Manmohan Singh will cite 'health grounds' and Jayanti Natrajan's body odour in his resignation letter to future astronaut and current President, Prathibha Patil, which will pave the way for Rahul Gandhi to become Prime Minister of both the India's, the 'real one' (which only exists in Madhur Bhandarkar movies) and the 'fake one' (which only exists in Karan Johar movies).

96 year old ND Tiwari will become the Governor of India's 137th state, which will solely consist of all the children he has 'allegedly' illegally sired over these years. He will continue to have orgies in the Governor's mansion.

However, all the screwing will stop when Narendra Modi and his merry band of non-voting NRI's, who will make it compulsory for everyone to vote for them, take over and no one will ever have sex in India ever again.

Have a great decade, people! If this doesn't make you look forward to it, I don't know what will.

Dr. Singh goes to Washington

Even though Prime Minister Singh and Mrs Kaur would have rather stayed at home with the Obamas and enjoy Michelle's world-famous Pecan Pie after playing a game of charades, President Obama threw together a fancy-schmancy dinner party for the leader of the ghee world along with 400 other distinguished guests and Joe Biden.

The toast given by both were short and sweet. Obama quoted Nehru and Singh quoted Lincoln. Even though everyone knew that both of them got some underpaid assistant to copy that from Wikipedia, both were applauded for their knowledge of each other's culture. Although, Obama won this competition because he welcomed everybody in hindi. And you know how we macacaz simply go all crazy when someone foreign speaks in one of our languages. You could almost hear the Prime Minister mumbling in his head "Oh Barack, you complete me!!".

After the speeches were over the guests dug into scrumptious potato and eggplant salad (ugh) and roasted potato dumplings in tomato chutney (double ugh. Although, CHUTNEY!). There was this weird moment when they announced that they would be serving Pumpkin Pie Tart which made everyone look towards the stage because they thought it was the cue for Sarah Palin to do some dramatic reading from her new book which has replaced the bible as the biggest selling book of all time. Which did not happen because Sarah Palin went rogue and was stuffing her face with good ol' American turkey in some good ol' city in the "real" America. No self-respecting hockey mom would be caught dead in a elitist state dinner full of stuffy east coast liberals eating hippie food like chickpeas and okra.

Everyone was dressed in their elegant best and supposedly the flower arrangements around the tables were a homage to the Indian peacock. Which begs the question, what happened to the Indian peacock?

The guests were an eclectic mix of people from the fields of politics, business and entertainment, none of whom would be caught dead in a reality show.

There were many Indian-Americans and Indian-Indians among the guests. There was Obama's weed czar, Kal "Kumar" Penn, America's favourite sweetheart surgeon Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Louisiana Governor and spelling bee champion Bobby Jindal, who was regaling everyone with his unintentional impression of Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock. While Fareed Zakaria and Rajiv Chandershakeran were making Zardari jokes, Ratan Tata and Mukesh Ambani were probably eyeing each other suspiciously. Also spotted was Jhumpa Lahri, making furious notes on a napkin about a new story in which the son of a Bengali immigrant in America gets elected to the highest office in the world,  as the host of the Oprah Winfrey show.  Nobel laureate Amratya Sen was heard explaining his idea of justice for millions of downtrodden people to Deepak Chopra. Deepak then explained to Amratya that  hunger is a man-made desire which can easily be overcome by subscribing to the new (& improved) patented personal program, The Deepak Chopra 12 New Yoga Positions to Eliminate Hunger. M. Night Shayamalam and his wife were eating the PB & J sandwiches they brought from home because Night doesn't trust anyone. Anyone. Airtel honcho Sunil Mittal was seen going out of the tent to take a call, because his phone wasn't getting any signals inside. He then kept asking the caller whether they could hear him now! Steven Spielberg, who is now an honorary Indian-American because he is property of Anil Ambani, was also there, probably discussing with Pepsi honcho Indira Nooyi about making a bi-lingual biopic about her life.

There were also a lot of distinguished American-Americans present at the dinner. There was Colin Powell, telling anyone who would lend him an ear about how he was tricked into lying at the UN. All three of the Pelosis were also in attendance. Nancy, Paul and Nancy's face were just like a family. Uber-producer David Geffen was also there, with his partner, Jeffery Katzenberg. Although Mrs. Kaur kept referring to Jeffery as David's "roommate", accompanied by a wink. And since Oprah could not make it, she sent her "roommate" *wink, wink*, Gayle King.

It was not all fun & games. There was also important state business conducted at the dinner. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was heard teaching National Security Advisor MK Narayanan on how to intimidate your subordinates by alternating between starving them and calling them MoFo's. External affairs minister SM Krishna and Secretary Clinton both agreed that if newly sworn in Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai wants to be taken seriously, he has to ditch that damn Harlem pimp coat he never leaves home without.

The entertainment was provided by Jennifer Hudson and AR Rahman, among others. Adam Lambert's appearance was cancelled at the last minute because having more then two gay people in attendance would alienate one of Obama's core constituency, rednecks & retards.

It was a fun evening for those attending although some people were disappointed that Katie Couric didn't get drunk enough to start doing her thang. There was just one awkward moment when Joe Biden asked Prime Minister Singh to help him with those pesky pop-ups he gets everytime he tries to send an email. To shut Joe up, President Obama kneed him on the "Bidens" and he was taken away by the secret service to be put back into his cage. Obama then reassured a visibly shaken Dr. Singh not to worry because that was just Joe being Joe.

As they say, all's well that ends with Joe Biden shooting his mouth.

 

State Dinner Menu [Gawker]
State Dinner Guest list [HuffPo]
Manmohan/Obama toast [HuffPo]

Photo Credit: The Daily Beast

Baba Ramdev on grand path to becoming C-Grade movie villain

Famous breath-inhaler and guy who does strange things to his stomach, popularly refereed to as "Baba Ramdev" has now convinced a few of his followers to pool their weekly earnings and buy him a small European Island.

Mr. Ramdev plans to turn the island into a riviera for really boring people. Since there would be no booze or sex or music or drugs on this "holy" island, the only thing people will be able to do the whole day is stand on their head.

I think this isn't really a step in the right direction. As all the hindi movies in the 1980s taught us, buying a tiny private island is simply a pre-cursor to possibly-delusional-but-still-really-grand plans for world domination.

There are other signs too.  The BBC provides an unintentional clue:

Bought by two of his devotees from Glasgow for £2m, the tiny North Ayrshire island of Little Cumbrae is being converted into an international yoga camp after a blessing from India's most popular lifestyle guru Baba Ramdev, also known as Swami Ji.

The only people who are referred to as "Swami Ji" are the ones who look at the bosoms of their young & nubile female followers and start salivating. Everyone knows that "real" gurus at least have the decency to add a couple of hundred Sri's to their name. Or at least are able to convince Monks to sell their Ferraris.

Anyways, the Times takes the cake in irresponsible journalism:

Swami Ramdev, who has 80 million followers around the globe, is the Indian equivalent of a rock star, with crowds of up to 10,000 at his outdoor events.

A. ROCK. STAR.

REALLY?

How dare they?

Is there NOTHING sacred left in this world anymore? Where is the decency and respect?

Do the hacks at the Times know how hard people have to work to earn that title?

Do you know how many near-death experiences you need to have to even be considered? Does anyone even have the slightest idea about the amount of cocaine you need to snort? The large number of syringe wounds that you end up having as you continue to battle life itself? Does anyone realize the countless STDs you catch because as a bonafide rockstar you need to make out and have sex with countless number of fans?

Does the Times think that all this is just a fucking joke?

If Courtney Love found out about this, she would be so angry she would post a rant on twitter.

Even the God who came up with Yoga millions of years ago is looking down right now, shaking his head, rolling his eyes and asking his fellow Gods in an exasperated tone "This guy? Seriously?"

 

Scottish island to become ashram [BBC News]
Yoga guru Swami Ramdev turns Little Cumbrae into Peace Island [Times Online]

Living with Judge Dread

I really don't understand what's going on with the whole Ishrat Jahan "encounter" fiasco and I'm not going to even attempt to go into it's intricate details. These days between the allegedly fake encounters, to the allegedly useless nuclear tests and the allegedly clunkety piece of crap we sent to the moon, it seems that the truth, just like Elvis, has left the building.

One would expect that there would be more outrage about "encounters" being that they are the complete anti-thesis of the constitution and impinges on the basic right to life and all that jazz which those stupid jhola-walas and their boring-ass NGOs keep blabbing about. But, hey, did you even see Shaenshah? In which Amitabh Bachachan plays a crooked cop by the day and a rugged one-man court by night? It was just like the sitcom Night Court but with more dead people.

Didn't you learn anything from it?

See, thanks to our totally useless legal system, evil men called JK get away from the long-hands of the law ALL the time. Because they have what we in the 'hood call cash money.

So what's a brother to do?

Simple.

Just go ahead and encounter those sum-bitches. Totally effective in decreasing crime. And also, a great method of crowd control. In fact, they do the exact same thing in China whenever some stupid democracy loving fool wants to question the totally excellent, awesome and glorious one-party rule.

Another thing, it is so cool when someone says "Shoot first and ask questions later". Except, of course, when you are the one being shot at. Tee Hee! Yippie-Kay-yay, motherfucker. That's just how we roll.

You see, we have to be very vigilant. When those evil-doers from that country we affectionately refer to as the foreign hand come over here, they take no prisoners and kill indiscriminately.

Therefore, we have to do the same. Even if most of the time innocent people get killed. That's what the term Collateral Damage was coined for. DUH. As the fellow once said, When in Paris, do as the romans do.

So what if the government wants to take away my civil rights under the guise of 'national security' so that they can protect me from the growing China-Pakistan-Bangladesh-Nepal-Sri Lanka-Maldives-North Korea-Papua New Guinea nexus?

 

Just tell me where I sign. 

NAM Summit: World leaders gone wild

Did you know that all the "non-aligned" world leaders were meeting each other in the sexy spring break destination of Sharm El Sheikh. Most of the leaders are from countries which are not yet ready for prime-time. However, this does not deter them from meeting with each other to talk about the weather. The NAM summit is like the daytime Emmy's. Everybody makes the right noises and applauds. However, no one really gives a crap.

This time, however, the NAM summit was all over the news.

That's because after seven months of he said/she said/you're a terrorist/no you're the terrorist, India and Pakistan were finally talking to each other again, just like old times. In fact, the foreign secretaries of both countries sat down together and came up with a joint statement. As we all know, an India-Pak joint statement is like an Arunadhati Roy article. No one reads it, but somehow everyone is outraged by it.

The Prime Ministers of both the countries sat down had a great heartfelt conversation. PM Gellani confessed how he spends his days in office by doing Bilawal Bhutto's Oxford assignments. Then, between sobs & tears, Mr Gellani said that Bilawal was a really strict taskmaster. He added that if he makes even a single mistake, Bilawal makes him do the whole thing again. PM Manmohan Singh consoled Mr Gellani and tried to cheer him up by telling him how he calls former Prime Ministerial candidate LK Advani everyday using a disguised voice and shouts "Namaste Prime Ministerji" and then abruptly hangs up. That seem to bring a little cheer to Mr Gellani who wiped off his tears on Mr Singh's safari suit. Both leaders then had a serious discussion about how to speak with Raoul Castro without bringing his height into the conversation.

Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah was spotted site seeing along with his new camel-wife.

Libyan leader Colonel Gadaffi was almost arrested walking around Sharm El Shiekh asking any women he saw if they wanted to see what a real live weapon of mass destruction looks like. An international crisis was averted when a local police officer recognized Mr Gadaffi and alerted his Libyan handlers.

Earlier, outgoing NAM general secretary Hosini Mubarak tried to be funny when he opened the summit by singing a cover version of the late-80's hit Walk like an Egyptian.

Unlike this blog, Mr Mubarak seemed to have succeeded.

Obama sends message to Indian Prime Minister by writing it on Papyrus with a really big Quill

Six weeks ago, a group of brave men and women dressed like men set sail from the New York Harbour. The purpose of this important, difficult and treacherous voyage was to find and reach the East Indies and deliver a letter to the leader of the people of the East Indies. Not just any letter. A letter from the President of the United States of America. The letter contained a message of peace and was written with the purpose of establishing a treaty of cooperation and friendship between the two countries.

The brave crew of the ship, three of whom were thrown overboard by a white supremacist from the continent of Australia who then himself died of gonorrhoea, dodged thunderstorms, hunger, even fought off pirates who were led by a clever man called Jack Sparrow and finally arrived at their destination a week ago. From the coast they were flown into the capital city by a genie and his magic carpet. They sought an audience with Queen Sonia. They were granted an audience with the Queen's Prime Minister, who met the emissaries of the American President at high noon and they handed over the handwritten letter to him. In return, the Prime Minister gave them an aphrodisiac made from the blood of seven dragons and an instruction guide on yoga written by one a member of the Rajasthan Royal family, Shilpam Shetty, to be presented to the President upon their return. As local officials explained to them, that is how the people of the East Indies start a friendship.

The merry band of visitors even crossed the bridge of dangerous serpents and went to meet scary old Uncle Grumpus.

___________

Okay, I might have exaggerated a little, but c'mon. Really, Mr President? A letter?

How very Nehru of you!

Are you telling us that the recession has hit the United States so bad that you can't even afford an international fax anymore? Are you telling us that instead of Harrison Ford's plane from Air Force One, you now use Harrison Ford's plane from Six Days Seven Nights?

What's wrong with you, Barry?

I would have gone on, but government officials in my country send each other telegrams. What can a brother do?

(Okay, that's the last time I link to that post.)

(On second thoughts, maybe not. It just never gets old.)

___________

By the way, Obama may keep on saying that India is a "crucial" ally and everything, but I'm sensing that he's sort of bluffing.

I think I know why.

He might have called customer support for his computer one time and  he must have faced this:

Thank you for calling ***** *****. All of our operators are currently serving other customers. Please stay on the line for the next available customer service representative.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Please continue to hold.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Your call is the next call in the queue.
[Irritating midi tone of "Summer of '69"]
We apologize for the delay. Please continue to hold and a representative will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.
[Really Crappy Company Jingle]
This call maybe recorded for quality control purposes.

 

And then when he finally reached a customer service representative, the guy took his details, put poor Barry on hold for another half hour and then told him that he needs to buy a new computer.

I'll tell you the same thing I told a kid whose bike I ran over: Shit happens, get over it.

Just be glad that this didn't happen to you.

___________

Maybe Obama might have been pissed at a few members of the Indian establishment who were pulling for John McCain.

Hey, Mr President. We can't help it. We're Indians. We like old people. In fact, we hate young people so much that we don't even listen to anything they say until they grow old and shrivelled.

Also, we only liked George W Bush because he spoke his own version of English, just like us. Pinkie swear.

And some people were pulling for McCain because they thought that if McCain won, then both he and Manmohan Singh can go for a prostate exam together. Those things are really hard and it's comforting to have a friend take it along with you.

Also, the Palins with their hundred kids and knocked up daughter kind of reminds us of the families portrayed on our television. Tee Hee.

 

However, please remember that there were some of us who were on your side.

 

Does that help?

Pakistani President to share home with Taliban

By our correspondent for affairs of crazy-ass countries

ISLAMABAD, April 26: Today, the Pakistani President, Asif Ali Zardari declared that he would hand over the keys to one half of his Presidential palace to the leader of the Pakistani Taliban, Mullah Sakbk Omar.

He said that just by giving him two out of three floors of his living quarters does not mean that he is surrendering. "On the contrary, they now seemed settled and are quite enjoying themselves. Why, just yesterday I saw them shooting at, what used to be, my plasma TV. I had to convince them not to feed my laptop to their goats by showing them my large collection of Sarah Palin photos. Although, that angered them and they have asked me not to come down to their quarters anymore otherwise they will kill me. Small compromise. That's what relationships are about, aren't they? So now I get myself airlifted everytime I need to leave the palace. After all, the army and the air force is not doing much these days. So I might as well put them to some use".

The United States government and members of the European Union warned that the Pakistani government is abdicating it's responsibility to it's people by ceding more and more territory to the Taliban.

Senior Pakistani government officials dismissed the warnings of the international community as paranoia. Bilawal Zardari, son of slain former Prime Minister Bhutto and Presidnt Zardari, said that the Pakistani government is standing by it's people. "They might stand by and watch them getting flogged, looted and raped, but at least they are there for them. As I learned at Oxford, it's the thought that counts".

He was then seen providing PM Geelani with details on the types of food his pet Chihuahua is allergic too. Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Quereshi was dispatched with a brown bag to take Bilawal's "little angel" for a walk around Islamabad. 

Open letters

To,

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh

When you actually have to say something multiple times, it implies that it isn't true. By repeating to every person you meet that "you're not weak", it ends up having the completely opposite effect. It further adds to their belief that you are weak. To keep on repeating something which is not a fact isn't going to make it come true. (Ref. Bush administration Iraq-WMD evidence)

If you want to prove to the world that you aren't the most weak person ever in a list which includes VP Singh and IK Gujral, then I would suggest that you either fire one or your ministers or release "secret" footage of you crushing a Heineken beer can with your bare hands.

To,

Prakash Karat,

If you are hell bent on renegotiating every treaty we ever signed, can you first please renegotiate your head out of your ass? Thanks.

To,

LK Advani,

You're not Barack Obama. Just because you put online adds, and thanks to google's user-surly targeted adds system, they appear on every goddamn site we visit,  we're not going to think that you're Barack Obama. You're more than eighty years old. Everything from the talkies to colour television was invented AFTER you were born. So, just because you start a blog doesn't mean we're going to be able to connect with you.

Although, please consider a request. For the love of everything good in the world, please, never open a twitter account. Thanks.

To,

Conspiracy theorists,

If you want to prove that Rahul Gandhi is "Raoul" and Priyanka is "Bianca" then please produce some actual evidence. Not everything that is printed on the internet is true. You do know that you can use google to search for things other than porn & detailed instructions on building a nuclear weapon in your secret science lab in the basement, don't you?

To,

MK Karunanidhi,

A bandh never makes sense. It makes even less sense when YOU are in the frikin government. Only in India do politicians hold demonstrations against themselves. Oh, and by the by, what happened? Did you suddenly run out of telegrams? You could have sent one to yourself instead of pretending to close a whole city.

To,

J Jayalalitha,

When you say that you have the country's best interest in your mind, how do you keep a straight face and not be all "LMAO, y'all".

Also, do you think we really believe you when you say that?

You do?

LMAO.

To,

Susan Boyle,

Oh Susan! What have you done to yourself? We want you to look frumpy. We want your bad eyebrows back. We want you to look like something a drunk Scottish cat dragged in. That is because then we can feel wonderful about the fact that, for once, we appreciated someone for their "inner beauty". Whatever that is.

p.s. Your semi-makeover makes you look like Hyacinth Bucket.

SP promises to ban the 21st century

It's back to bad haircuts, kitschy clothes and writing more than 140 characters at a time.

In a bid to take away the "we'll take you back to the stone age" mantle away from the left parties, the Samajwadi Party announced in it's manifesto that if it comes to power, it will ban the 21st century.

In an interview, SP supremo, Mulayam Singh Yadav said that "Duh. We love the past. That's where we want to be. Why do you think we keep nominating Jaya Pradha, huh?"

"Look, it's not like we're totally into the past", said SP general secretary Amar Singh, "We just believe that until everyone is on the same page, the country should not advance. In our conservative estimates, by the year 2420, everyone will be miserable in equal proportions.  Until then, we can't even think about removing the ban. So you better get with the program and party like it's 1997. However, please note that it's not a ploy to bring back cargo pants. That's just a positive side-effect. Now please excuse me while I go get the dust off of my Spice Girls CD collection".

"We also wanted to ban common sense and the formality of integrity. But some issues need to be left for the next election cycle", said new SP member, Sunjay Dutt.

World leaders hold summit to formally blame George Bush for the current economic crisis

The heads of government of the (technically mathematically inaccurately) named Group of 20, aka G-20, are scheduled to meet in London, starting tomorrow, to try find a way out of the current global clusterfuck. On the agenda are possible solutions for the economic crisis, discussion of a possibility of a global stimulus package and some juicy gossip about German Chancellor Angela Merkel's love life.

A banquet was held by the Queen today to formally welcome all the heads of state.

"Basically we are all here to convince the world that the current economic crisis is George Bush's fault. I blame Bush for everything." said Russian President Dmirty Medvedev. "Even when my children catch a cold. Or when Putin gets drunk, puts on a dress and starts singing I will survive in Russian. Oh, Lenin. I really shouldn't have said anything. I am so dead." He then was seen getting down on his knees and making a phone call.


The facade of camaraderie was absent the summit this time around. French President Nicolas Sarkozy threatened to walk out when he saw that the Italian Prime Minister was continuously eyeing his wife. "Hey Berlusconi, stop lookeeeng at my wife or I weeel break youur arms." He then chased the Italian Prime minister through the lush green Buckingham Palace gardens all the while shouting, what one can only hope, nice things about Mr Berlusconi's mother. Both of them were then stopped by current US President and part-time Messiah, Barack Obama and given a sermon about how "Thou shall not covet your neighbors wife". "It's the same sermon I gave to Bill Clinton last week", Mr Obama told reports later on.

Meanwhile Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was spotted sipping some Gaterorade and playing chess with the Chinese President. "Madam told me not to say too much. It's good advice, I tell you. Very good advice. I usually bite off more than I can chew. Just yesterday, I had some butter chicken and I still feel a little gassy. Well, what can you do. Old age is old age. ha. hA. HA". When Mr Singh got up to refill his glass, the Chinese President repositioned the pawns on the chessboard to his advantage. No one knows if Mr Singh noticed the change when he came back.

The Argentinian President Ms. Cristina Kirchner, was in heated discussions with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown about who is a better football player, Lionel Messi or David Beckham. After hours of going back and fourth, the only thing both of them agreed upon was that Victoria Beckham has the aura of a slut.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was seen feeling left out, sipping his mojito alone, which brought back memories of his own senior prom. He spoke to us with a heavy heart while trying to hold back the tears in his eyes. "It's hard sometimes, you know. We barely get noticed. People only call on us when they want us to watch their kids or to attend a funeral. It's just not fair. Why does everyone do that? Is it because we're a little gay?"