Ladies & Gentlemen, your new Messiah will see you now

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Every time the new Aamir Khan teevee show comes on, it divides people on twitter into two bitter groups. Although, that is not saying much. People on twitter are usually waiting for an opportunity to chastise each other, with each trending topic being just a small, disposable cog in the wheel. Every issue is just another way to prove that you are right, and those people opposing you, those straw men and women with their stupid arguments, are nothing but the scum of the earth. On twitter as in real life, everything is defensible, even the ‘band’ Creed, which all sane people agree is worse than a hundred Hitlers. (For those not familiar with this unit of measurement, a hundred Hitlers are equal to one Akshay Kumar movie.)

One group wants to mock everybody for their naiveté and the other one wants everybody to shut up, leave their cynicism for once, and give the man a chance to heal the world and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. On one hand there are people who think that this is another publicity hound doing things to make himself feel better while hogging the limelight; on the other we have people who think he is finally highlighting issues we refuse to talk about and that he should be applauded for doing this instead of hosting yet another bollywood circle jerk.

One of the chief criticisms of the show is that the host takes a large amount of money to perform his duties. A lot of people seem to believe that a person with good intentions would do good things for free. However, anyone who has ever worked on even a small welfare project will tell you that volunteers who work for free are the most erratic.

When I was ‘studying’ in college, at the beginning of each one of my semesters, I used to promise myself that I would attend all the scheduled classes this time. I would even be seen attending a class on the first day of every semester. Thankfully, I would be back to my senses by the next day. For a teacher, spotting me in class used to be an event whose occurrence was rarer than the transit of a celestial body, and the next time they would be hearing from me would be either during the exams or after them, when I used to bribe them to give me more marks than I deserved.

Most people who like to ‘volunteer’ their time, do it with the same enthusiasm that I used to bring to rehabilitating my attendance record. When you’re doing something out of guilt or to make yourself feel better about yourself, your enthusiasm will wane as the going gets tough. Compensating people for their time, their hard work, their opportunity cost is one way of ensuring that their enthusiasm is maintained. A bribe to show up everyday, if you will. As I told one of my teachers when she chastised me for my not-so-exemplary attendance record, you get paid for this, I don’t. Even though she tried to get me suspended, she wasn’t successful because just like the majority of the people in this country, my college principal also needed a ‘small’ incentive to do the right thing. Or, to my benefit, to not do it.

Meanwhile, Aamir Khan has been turned into yet another saviour we were waiting for. The old ‘at least he is doing something!’  symptom of overcompensation for ignoring our problems. And that something instead of being a placeholder becomes a substitute for doing anything. You don’t actually have to do things anymore; the mere fact that something is being done is good enough.

Our whole culture is geared toward waiting for ‘the one.’ Our religions keep telling us that God is missing this crappy planet so much that he will be back one more time for shits, giggles and to use those fancy planning commission bathrooms everyone keeps raving about. A large amount of our movies which pretend to be about social causes are about how the lead protagonist was so burned by the system that he took revenge – by completely eradicating the systematic rot that has been gnawing away at the roots of this county for hundreds of years – and solved all our problems in three hours.

Last year, some well meaning folks in my neighbourhood were pulling a double whammy and going to hold a candelight march and ‘token hunger strike’ to support some vague campaign against black money. I asked them if they hated black money so much, why don’t they actually keep their accounts in order and pay tax on their real income? They looked at me with the bewilderment and disgust usually reserved for fiends who put a gun to a baby’s head and make it fingerbang a cute puppy. We have a system we don’t follow? Whose problem is it? Not mine! TELL SOME MAGSAYSAY AWARD WINNER TO RISE UP AND SAVE US!

There is going to be no messiah that is going to suddenly appear out of nowhere  to save us. While we keep waiting for one, shit keeps hitting the fan. You don’t go to war with the weapons you want, you go to war with the weapons you have. The solutions to our problems do not lie with one person. They lie with all of us. A serious person willing to solve our problems will never get ahead in our polity. They will remain on the sideline, writing well researched articles for academic journals.

You can’t order “good leaders” on the internet. You have to make them. We have to use the cynical a**holes who currently lord over us and get away with bloody murder (because they can!). We have to hold their feet to the fire. These people have no core and will go anywhere the blowing wind takes them. If we want better governance, if we want better law & order, if we want better management of our national resources, then we need to make our so called leaders do that. There are no free lunches. You don’t get things because you are entitled to them. You get them only if you fight for them.

If you think I’m right, please join the fight against rabid tokenism by ‘liking’ the Facebook group created solely to stem the growth of this epidemic.

Fahrenheit 2012

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

The streets of the internet filled with rumours. The news went viral faster than a video of a cat bungee jumping over the Potomac River while lip-synching to that irritating Carly Rae Jepsen song. The internet service providers in India were on a blocking spree again. Their actions brought various opposite camps on twitter together in their disgust and paranoia. The message the twittersphere wanted to send to the powers-that-be was clear: Steal our tax money and generally wreck up things to make our life harder, but don’t you dare try to take away our right to download free stuff from the internet or we’re going to HULK SMASH our keyboard and protest against internet censorship by posting things on the internet. And the powers-that-be did what they always do whenever legitimate users of something complain that their rights are being infringed upon - ignore them.

One of the parties involved in this iteration of block-a-mole has used the internet very successfully to create a buzz around their movie through a viral video. Now the producers of that very movie have turned on the very people who made them famous. Though they are not the only ones to do that. A large number of corporate entities try to clamp down on the internet by claiming that their forthcoming big-budget movie is allegedly being pirated online. They think that the reason people don’t want to see their movies is because they are pirating it on the internet. Not because they make terrible movies that have no stories but are just scenes of things put together haphazardly based on a focus group of one. Even though most people will not see these movies even if you paid them money, but, yeah, let’s pretend that the internet is the problem.

They keep trying to fight the internet instead of embracing it. If you make it easy for users to access your content, they would not need to pirate it. Trying to block torrent sites on the internet is like sending a hundred year old tortoise to catch the energizer bunny. Not only were they not able to achieve what they set out to do, in their haste, the movie producers even had the ISPs block, websites which had nothing to do with piracy. For example, they blocked Pastebin, a website whose sole function is to allow users on the internet to share pasted text, and Vimeo, a website which mostly contains time lapse videos of the remaining five picturesque locations on earth and indie movies made with such an austere budget that even P. Sainath would approve. By blocking these websites, they are actually hurting the people who want to showcase legitimate content.

In the end all the parties involved in this orgy of ignorance and ineptitude passed the blame for this to one another. The government could proudly claim that after a long time, it was relieved to not be the one trying to trample on its citizens rights. All we did was make these arbitrary and vague rules which can be willingly exploited by anyone to censor things they don’t want you to see. Don’t blame us! The corporate entities which sought to block the websites simply shrugged in response. We just cynically used our corporate heft to censor things that might hurt our business. Who is going to stop us? You? Or those government institutions who are so deeply embedded inside our ass that they can taste what we had for lunch?  And the internet service providers - who used this opportunity to block popular torrent and video sites to preserve their precious bandwidth - not only acted like they did not understand the court order and instead of blocking specific URL’s, blocked complete websites, and as of the time of writing this column, they were still pretending that they didn’t really understand how to completely unblock them. Sorry, court order! Our hands are tied behind our backs, giving you the finger. Meanwhile, the regulators responsible for protecting the consumers were AWOL as usual. Wait, are you talking to us? Are we supposed to do something in such a situation? Let us think about that for a while and come back to you with a whitepaper in 3 to 5 years. Hope that helps!

The internet is a problem for a lot of powerful groups in this country. Various governments and government institutions are unable to fathom the freedom of expression the internet offers. It is hard for them to accept the existence of a medium of communication which they cannot bully, cajole, or bribe into submission. Most politicians do not view the internet as a tool which can empower their citizens; rather they think of the internet as just another part of the vast conspiracy to destroy them. Instead of embracing it at every level, they resist it like white blood cells resist an infection. Corporate India does not like the internet because they can’t buy off all internet users by sending them on junkets or paying their child’s school fees. And the entertainment industry does not like the internet because it is full of “h8trz” who are “hatin” on them all the time. How can you allow a place where celebrities are not treated with the love and respect they deserve to exist? Sounds spooky, like something out of the Twilight Zone. 

On the bright side, at least they let us armchair critics feel like martyrs.

People like us are people too

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

Parents all over the country sighed in relief this week when famous never-nudes at the I&B ministry issued a fatwa against broadcasting a national award winning movie because it was too ‘bold & mature’ (bureaucratic euphemism for ‘portrays sexual intercourse in terms other than the abhorrent sin it is’) for mainstream audiences. This was strange because the main message of the yanked movie was that if you sex too many people, everyone will shun you and you will end up killing yourself. This is also the kind of message most adults want to send to their children. Because if there is one thing most people in this country loathe, it’s talking about things with their children like a normal person. What should be a short, breezy conversation about the facts of life turns into an awkward conversation of epic proportions. Why talk and smooth things out to make life better for everyone involved when you can emotionally blackmail your children into suppressing what comes naturally to them?

The thing is, we need to protect our children from real life because we don’t want them to get strange ideas. This is a slippery slope. If you let them make decisions based on their own judgement, they will want to try things for themselves. Its better to pretend that things don’t exist rather than risk them doing stuff you don’t approve of. That is why nobody on those foreign shows on television eats beef and Brokeback Mountain was a documentary about drilling for minerals. Our national motto should be “Nothing to see here, move along.” Don’t you know that reality is against Indian culture?

Speaking of being alien to reality, rejected ‘Bengal Idol’ contestant and ongoing train-wreck Mamta Banerjee was busy trying to impress her fraternity members at the ‘South Asian Dictators Club’ while her government continued its slow troddle towards La La Land. This week, Bengal’s ‘eternal Chief Minister’ issued a diktat warning people against fraternizing with the CPM. Members of her party and their supporters & family members are not supposed to be friends with, be married to or even be seen in the vicinity of any known communists. The last time someone issued a warning like this, Germany was still two separate countries. Of course, since she lives in a padded room where no contrary thoughts are allowed to enter, a lot of the criticism online was directed towards her Man Friday, Derek O’Brien.

Everyone was surprised how this holy quizmaster could let them down by not speaking out against his paranoid boss. Maybe it’s an effect of putting my brain through various experiments which involved ‘medical marijuana’ (What? It was a sacrifice! For science!), I don’t remember O’Brien ever being an outspoken proponent of free speech. Do you think he hosted that quiz show because he cared about children knowing silly trivia?  

Did we assume that he would be a free speech ayatollah because he is one of the presumed future saviours of Indian democracy, the saintly ‘people like us.’ Its accepted gospel that unlike those poor, deprived souls from villages and other have-not communities who plunder the government’s treasury like a regular Mahmud Ghazni, people like us will stand up for what’s right! They would rather quit their posts than be a party to something utterly despicable. Wouldn’t we do that too, if we were in the same position? Even though in our own lives we do everything we don’t think other people should do. We lie because that’s a necessity of modern life. We bribe because that’s the cost of living in India. We break laws which don’t suit us because, let’s face it, most of them are ridiculous. We laugh at the horrible (and borderline racist) jokes our bosses make because we want to get ahead and playing the game is one way to do that. In this country, you give someone even the tiniest bit of power and they’ll show you who is boss. Everyone is the king of their castle, even if their castle is a broken down shack right next to garbage dump. And yet! We are shocked and appalled when our politicians exhibit the same behaviour.

Yes, like us, they are a shitty excuse for a human too. 

Just don’t tell my future children I said that. 

No privacy please, we’re Indian

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

On a brave January morning in the fifty-fifth year of the last century, the Democratic Peoples Republic of Poschim Bongo witnessed a miracle that would change its future forever. The clouds parted, the birds lined up in the sky as if practicing for a parade and the guy who plays the background music during such occasions put on some Rabindra sangeet. The stork responsible for delivering Bengali babies punched in his card and began to start making his deliveries. When he reached his workstation, he saw that the first baby he was to deliver was giving a fiery speech to the other babies around her who were crying and peeing in appreciation. He tried to get the baby to stop talking so that he could get on with his day but the baby threatened to go on a cerelac-strike until the conditions in the baby producing machines were not improved. After 26 hours of hard negotiations, the stork was finally able to deliver the baby. While the Gods watched this journey live on GodTube, they all nodded in agreement that this baby was one day going to lead her people onto the light. Then they all went back to their day job playing supporting characters in Rajnikanth movies.

Flash-forward to 2012. The fiery baby has now turned into the chief minister of Poschim Bongo. You can recognize her thanks to her old-school tantrums. Some things never change! This week she committed the most egregious crime in the history of the world; she tried to punish someone for posting stuff to the internet. How dare she! Didn’t our politicians get the memo? You can lie, cheat, steal, rape, pilour our taxes, bend the rules for your own personal benefit, but don’t you dare try to take away our ability to make semi-amusing jokes about you or we’ll treat you the same way the United Nations Security Council treats rogue countries who repeatedly violate international law: send you a strongly worded letter requesting you to stop.

Governments in this country have always tried to censor its citizens under one lousy pretext or another. They passed a draconian act making themselves kings of the internet, even though they did not need a new law to stifle dissent. Whether it is through tax raids or humiliating enforcement directorate ‘interrogations’ or using their stooges in the media to brand someone ‘anti-national’ to negate their criticism, they love making examples of people who ‘cross the line’ so that others self-censor themselves. However, their old methods of censorship are useless on the internet. Even if they manage to get something removed from a particular website, it will pop-up at a dozen other websites. Just like you can’t keep an alcoholic away from his drink no matter how many ‘dry-days’ you announce, you cannot keep information hidden on the internet from those who seek it.

Since they can’t get rid of the content, they do the next best thing. Punish the person who posted or shared it. And like with everything else they don’t understand, they try to ban it. The commitment of our government and government departments to make things difficult for legitimate users of things never falters. Simplicity is for countries with a weak digestive system. Tough countries complicate everything beyond recognition. If you like it then you can’t put a ring on it. A few people have a drinking problem? Raise the permissible age limit to get a drink to a number so high that it only makes sense to a person too drunk on power. Some people are using paypal and other online payment services to cheat on their taxes? Ban paypal. Are service providers refusing to share information about every user citing privacy concerns? Threaten to terminate their services until they budge. Privacy in India is treated with the same contempt that is usually reserved for an uninvited dinner guest who likes to share details of his bowel moments while everybody else is eating.

And if they can’t find any real reason to censor something, then they can go back using their most faithful excuse. National security. Those two words are a pre-emptive strike against every question. Sorry buddy, we need access to all your emails, text messages, tweets, facebook status updates and details about every second you spend on the internet. What do you mean your privacy is important to you? National security, boss. What are you, some kind of communist? Or a terrorist supporting liberal hippie? Privacy is for important people whose drivers accidentally record them in compromising positions. Not for schmucks like you.

Now please excuse me while I politely deal with this nice police officer at my front door who wants to know why I was using ‘private browsing’ between 4 and 5 am last Friday.

See you next week.

I hope.

India’s own private Idaho

(A version of this appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

One of the most difficult tasks in today’s world is to get politicians to take a stand on something, especially politicians running the UPA government. Getting the UPA government to take a stand on something is like trying to impregnate the statue of David. They are so neutral on every issue they make the Swiss look like Fox News. Even on the most obvious of issues, all you can get from them is the perennial why-cant-we-all-get-along plea of a wounded kangaroo trying to save her child from being killed by a larger animal.

So when it finally happened this week, hell froze over, there were more pigs in the sky than planes belonging to Kingfisher airlines, Imams were issuing fatwas calling for treating women as equals, Pundits were eating beef on a Tuesday and the only thing Priests in the catholic church were allowing choir boys to suck on was an ice cream stick. The UPA government had finally taken a stand on something! Even though the Supreme Court had to put a gun to their head to make them do it, but it’s the thought that counts, doesn’t it? They could have pivoted to the ignorant amongst us and taken a wrong stand, but they ignored Ghulam Nabi Azad and finally spelt out their support for the Delhi High Court judgement decriminalising homosexuality.

The fact that in 2012 human rights in this country are still up for debate is appalling. We treat our LGBT population like they are another species. Until July 2009, when good sense prevailed and the Delhi High Court read down section 377, the LGBT community in this country was technically still under colonial rule. Because unlike what the bigots proclaim, the only western influence present in this debate is institutionalized homophobia. Homosexuality has existed on this planet as long as life has existed on it.

One of the most popular hobbies of Indians everywhere is discriminating against people who they perceive to be different, but nothing unites all communities like their hatred of homosexuality. Gay people in this country have achieved something that even the ‘great’ MK Gandhi couldn't achieve; get all the crazy, bigoted people on the same side of an argument. These bigots predict that since the Delhi High Court has opened the floodgates, no one will want to love anyone of the opposite sex anymore. This will result in decreased male descendants ultimately causing the untimely demise of this young, vibrant nation whose people will then disappear from the face of the earth and take with them their ancient culture, their movies, the secret recipe of Chicken Manchurian and the ability to convince users of Dell computers to buy more RAM modules every time they call in to report a faulty keyboard. And then China will take over the vast empty wasteland and turn it into a nation of four year old child factory workers making smartphones whilst facing a working environment which probably violates a few provisions of the Geneva convention.

One doesn’t flick a switch and magically turn gay. Just like you don’t change the colour of your skin no matter how many tubes of fair & lovely you use, you can’t change the sexuality you were born with, no matter how much anybody else thinks that you will find the ‘right girl.’

Some countries punish all their gay citizens with death. In some countries bigots brutally murder gay citizens while the authorities look the other way or even encourage such vigilantism. In some countries you get sent to jail on the mere suspicion of being gay. In some countries legal sanctions can be brought against you for simply talking about homosexuality. In some countries, members of the gay community are raped by society's ‘moral guardians’ under the pretext of wanting to ‘fix’ them. In some countries you can be a self-hating homophobe tricking young gay men into feeling ashamed of who they are and still be married to a candidate running for President.

In India, you will get harassed by the police, bullied by the people around you and shunned by your family. Being gay is probably the number one item in the totem pole of things that upset Indian parents. It is even above marrying a person of a different religion or having a child without getting married first. Even our pop-culture is littered with rancid homophobia. Whether it is news channels who give credence to quacks like Ramdev who claim to heal homosexuality (If he was such a miracle worker, why can’t he stop his eye from constantly winking? What, is there no yoga app for that?) or celebrities who pretend to be gay for cheap laughs on award shows or even a lot of twitter users-who escape to the moral high ground when someone famous says something homophobic-have no qualms in mining bad stereotypes for re-tweets. The so called ‘macho’ leading men in popular movies prove how tough they are by mocking exaggerated stereotypes of gay men. Dude, you just bullied someone who has probably been facing discrimination every day of his life! Congratulations, here is your bravery award! This is not just limited to ill-informed and the uneducated, though. Even erudite ‘intellectuals’ will talk about promoting gay rights and then betray their ignorance by using ‘gay’ as a pejorative.

You know who else thought it was okay to discriminate against people for who they are?

This is how we treat 'em

This is simply stomach-churning, mind boggling atrocious:

. . . at 2 am on April 7, hours before Chidambaram’s farewell to the dead and barely 18 hours after the CRPF combatants were gunned down, it is only the angry lowly officer, a sub-inspector, representing the State at this government hospital at Jagdalpur town, 150 km north of the site of the deadly Maoist attack. It must be said that he is here on his own and not detailed for the job.

No chief minister, no state home minister, no other minister, no member of Parliament, no MLA, no director-general of police (Vishwa Ranjan, a man popular with journalists in all seasons), no chief secretary, no home secretary, no inspector-general (TJ Longkumer, who Chidambaram later told journalists had planned the dead men’s fatal foray into the forests), no district magistrate (frenzied a few hours later as reporters surged at Chidambaram’s press conference because he didn’t want anyone to throw a shoe at the Union home minister), no superintendent of police, not one high-ranking officer of the Central Reserve Police Force (CRPF), to which 75 of the dead belonged, were here; just the very angry CRPF sub-inspector. “They were like my children,” he says.

Typically, the survivors mattered less than the dead. Head Constable Raj Bahadur and Constables Pramod Kumar Singh and Baljeet Singh are lucky to survive the carnage, having taken bullets everywhere but in the guts. A hundred paces from the mortuary, they lie writhing in pain on dirty hospital linen stained from previous occupants’ dried blood. Only one has a mosquito net. There are no doctors or nurses. Two constables who’ve come on their own watch over their wounded mates. The ward is a hovel; the toilet is a stinking blocked drain. “Our officers are home sleeping,” an attendant says.

Five hours later, just minutes before Chidambaram and Chhattisgarh Chief Minister Raman Singh visit the heroes, bureaucrats and the hospital’s administrators fuss in panic over the non-functioning air-conditioning. “Can’t it run for just 15 minutes?” asks one. Bottles of intravenous fluids now hang from their stands, their needles pushed into the arms of the wounded. These weren’t here six hours earlier. The linen has changed. The hovel is now spic and span. A couple hours later, Chidambaram chokes at a press conference, grieving the dead and expressing his resolve to wipe out the Maoists.

I know this is not a new thing for our country, but this is just sick. This is supposedly under our "best home minister" ever. And while those brave CPRF soldiers sacrifice away their lives, Mr Palipapan Chidambram gets to be the hero because he supposedly "resigned" from his ministry. You know what, "PC", if you really feel that you can't continue doing your job anymore, stay at home and let someone else do it. Otherwise, stfu and do what you were appointed to do and stop acting like a prissy teenage drama queen.

I always wonder what makes all those poor people join our armed forces. The pay is crap, they are most likely to die in combat because of some stupid bureaucrat or politician and if they happen to survive, no one is there to take care of their injuries. Most of them probably do it out of pure-patriotism, for a state which gives nary a thought about them.

Even reality show contestants have better working conditions.

Also, the phrase "Can't it run for 15 minutes?" encapsulates the philosophy of "governance" that is prevalent in India.

Yes, we're Incredible!

Incredibly insensitive, incredibly ignorant and incredibly idiotic.

Welcome to the offense economy

Are you one of them lazy fucks who wants to get famous but don't want to do the hard work like suck up to judges in a reality show? Do you want to be the self-appointed & self-righteous spokesperson for millions of other people who don't want you to speak on their behalf? Are you mentally unstable and have family and/or intimacy issues? Have you never spoken to someone outside your immediate family? Do you like Jackie Shroff movies?

Then do we have an offer for you!

Welcome to the offense economy, where everything is made up and the issues don't matter!

Just like everything else, to succeed in the offense economy, you need (a) A determination to succeed despite all the odds (b) Psychopathic tendencies (c) An ability to say the most vile things, without any remorse whatsoever.

If you got that, then we have the tools to help you achieve your goal!

Now, let's start with the basics. Here is an outline of how the offense economy works:

You do something stupid --> You get a large amount of time on teevee --> The people who own the teevee channels make money --> They keep talking about you --> You get undue influence    --> You keep doing more stupid things --> They keep talking about you --> They make more money --> You get more undue influence --> *∞

Confused? Need more explanation?

Let us break it down for you.

Now, understand and memorize (where applicable) all the steps involved in achieving our goal:

1. Choose something to be angry about. It could be anything. A book, a TV show, a movie, a group on Orkut, a few dozen people having fun in a bar, anything that gets your goat (or doesn't. You don't have to be actually offended, you just have to pretend that you are. Everyone else will play along).

2. Make sure it's a slow news day (which is almost everyday, except the days India has a cricket match or Shah Rukh Khan has a movie out. Don't even try to go against Shah Rukh Khan, because no one can ever beat him at famewhoring!).

3. After you've selected your target, gather a few dozen out of work people like you, and start protesting by breaking/burning stuff up. For eg: If it's a bookshop, attack the shop and tear some books. If it's a movie you don't like, attack the theatre. If it's a television show you are fake-outraged by, go attack their local office etc.

4. Before you attack your target, make sure that you alert a few news channels about the
"unorganised" expression of "outrage". This is the most important step. Don't worry about the news channels ignoring you. That will never happen, no matter how silly your protest.

5. After the footage of you and your fellow "protestors", has been canned, give out your phone number and go home and prepare the rant that you will be giving to the tv "news" shows later.

6. Make sure your rant is as vile and as threatening as possible. Pepper your speech with liberal (ha!) doses of "We will not let _____ hurt the sentiments of our _______ community" and "This _____ is against our _____ culture". That is very important, because once you say that, no government will touch you because any government in India literally shits bricks at the thought of protecting free speech. Yes, they are pussies in that department. They only pick on easy, elitist targets!

7. Millions of outraged Indians will protest your actions through twitter & facebook status messages. Hey, you might even trend on twitter (due to which many thousands of proud Indians will point out how instead of Justin Beiber, an Indian topic is trending ZOMG!). Someone might even write a blog post which while masquerading as satire, will basically be a rant having a huge undercurrent of cynicism! But you probably don't even know what these things are, so why bother learning about them?

Now, remember that each event you stage will get you about a week or two of coverage. Three if you're lucky.

The following is a timeline of the events:

Week 1

This week will consist of various one-on-one interviews. You can pick and choose your appearances. Make sure that you choose more hindi/local language channels because they would be more sympathetic to your cause. English channels should only be used when you want to scare people further. The hosts of these programs will help you immensely because they have perfected the art of feeding lines to their interview subject while simultaneously acting outraged. It's modern art, really. Remember, do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, try to sound reasonable. That will destroy your buzz before you can say Halla Bol!

Week 2

After week 1, your role is over. Week 2 will revolve around how free speech in India is dead, thanks to people like you. Do not appear on ANY panel discussion during this time. Instead, the news channels will schedule other people with extreme points of view to argue against/on your behalf. Sit back on your sofa, grab a box of popcorn and enjoy the ride. Throughout the week, prime time news will being focusing on you and your actions. Barkha Dutt will call a few guests and ask them the same question in different words, Arnab Goswami and Suhel Seth will spend the whole time interrupting each other, Rajdeep & Sagarika will continue to shout at the camera and whatishisname at Headlines Today will continue to look like someone permanently attached his eyebrows to the top of his forehead so that he could continue to have an always-on exasperated expression.

Week 3

If you've managed to keep yourself in the news for this long based on a single incident, then well done! You must have done something really, really vile! If you didn't, well, next time try harder? Now, since most of the mileage that they could gather from your story has been gathered, the coverage during week 3 will be in the form of we-the-people type weekend shows. Here, a panel discussion will take place along with an audience. Most of the same points that have been repeated for the past two weeks, will get a final airing. However, before the end of the show, an audience member will say something emotional & patriotic (like "Be an Indian first" etc.) which will be useless and bullshit-y, but will make everyone in the audience applaud like crazy. The anchor of the show will then close the show on a somber but surprisingly happy note. And then everyone will go back home, until they are called on to do the same thing again.

There. CONGRATULATIONS! You're now a bonafide famewhore. A celebrity.

Your name will live on in infamy.

At least until the next guy who does the same thing!

ZOMG, we're living in an Anurag Mathur novel!

So I go to sleep for almost a month to try and see what Rip Van Winkle was raving about and it seems that instead of waking up in the real world, I seem to have woken up in one of Anurag Mathur's satirical novels.

Let's look at the evidence:

Karan Johar had to apologize to Raj Thackray for essentially doing something which is guaranteed by the constitution. A little something called Right to Free Speech. So obviously in real life this would not have happened. In real life, the police would have stopped the rent-a-goons which disrupted the movie screenings. In real life, the Chief Minister of Maharashtra would not have gone on every news channel and said that Karan should have gone to the police. Because in real life, one doesn't need to ask the police to essentially do their duty. Because hasn't the Maharashtra government protected the North Indian taxi drivers and railway exam candidates from the MNS goons? And didn't they do a stellar job during 26/11? So this could never have happened in the real world.

Our minister of permanently getting his foot inside his mouth, Shashi Tharoor, got jealous because he had to give a speech on Gandhi Jayanti instead of sitting home and twatting on twitter. So he suggested that everyone should stop taking a day off on Gandhiji's birthday and instead should work like it's going out of fashion. Again, this would never happen in the real world because politicians should be the last people to give tips on "working hard". Because my grandmother does more work than these politicians and she's been dead for ten years. So this won't happen in the real world. Ever. And if it did, I would be giving Mr Tharoor the same advise I give my Aunt Nina when she wants to drunk-dial one of her ex-husbands. PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

Then our fearless government appointed liaison of corporate affairs, a bobble-head named Salman Khursheed, decided to appoint himself the UPA government's "pay-czar" and 'warned' the companies against 'vulgar' salaries & perks. That could never happen in the real world. Because if anyone knows about vulgar salaries & perks, it's the politicians. In the real world, people who get taxpayer's to pay for their house, their cars, their household help, their phones, their travelling expenses, their toilet paper, their food, their viagra, their hernia operation, their re-election expenses, the upkeep of their mistresses's and her family, would not shoot their mouth and accuse others of unnecessary expenses. This would never happen in the real world because didn't we learn during one of those 'moral science' classes that we must practice what we preach?

Of course when one is writing a satirical novel about India, how can the symbol of our national apathy and ability to procrastinate endlessly, Air India, be left behind? Because in real life, if there was a scuffle between the airline staff in mid-air, there would have been hell to pay and heads would roll. But during this chapter in the book, nothing happened except a few really creepy news reports. Also, in real life, the government would never invest billions of rupees in a company which has already lost billions of rupees. In real life, any company with such a bad business model would have been shut down. Unless of course, if it was a Wall Street bank. Because Wall Street banks are too big to fail. Even in a fictional novel. In real life, we need to do to Air India what we do to poor, useless old people. Euthanize it.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that pseudo-sanctimony is very funny. A movie, titled Indian Summer, based on the book of the same name, uses the backdrop of our Independence struggle while also depicting the personal lives of some of our 'esteemed' leaders, has faced a lot of artificial roadblocks while it is still in the pre-production phase. Somehow our 'fictional' government feels that this is against our 'culture' and deeply censors the movie to the point that it completely deviates from reality. That's because the fictional government doesn't want to let out the secret that even the leaders of our freedom movement had sexual intercourse, because that would make them lesser human beings and prove that immaculate conception is really a myth. In real life, this would be really, really ridiculous and people would actually not stand for such nonsense.

One of the funniest things about our political culture is the large amounts of sycophancy that is in the DNA of our politicians. So therefore in a satirical novel, no one would raise an eyebrow when the incompetent head of the Commonwealth games organising committee would suggest that the commonwealth games can be salvaged only by Rahul Gandhi. It would never happen in real life because anyone with even half a brain would realize that it would be suicidal to add nepotism to a project which has already been clusterfucked beyond any recognition.

Lastly, have you ever thought how hilariously funny it would be if the CBI suddenly decided to close the bofors case-file just because it has been too long? How can this even happen in real life? Because doesn't conventional wisdom tell us that the long hands of the law catch up to us one time or another? Where are The Hardy Boys when you actually need them! It's also really funny that the character who plays 'Minister of Law' in the book says that they stopped pursuing a case because it would be really sad to 'celebrate' the case's golden jubilee? Ha, ha. That is simply too funny to be true. I think Roman Polanski would agree with me on this one.

 

Therefore, I think it would be best if I back to sleep and hopefully wake up in the real, saner world.

 

 

Karan Johar’s apology a publicity stunt: Ashok Chavan [Indian Express]
Why is Gandhi Jayanti a holiday? [Times Now]
Salman Khursheed warns firms on "vulgar" top pay [Reuters India]
Air India speaks on cabin scuffle [BBC News]
Air India Estimates 50 Billion Rupees Loss This Year [WSJ India]
From saint to statesman [Mint]
Rahul Gandhi can be leader of Commonwealth Games: Kalmadi [TOI]
We did not want to celebrate golden jubilee of Bofors case [TOI]

Living with Judge Dread

I really don't understand what's going on with the whole Ishrat Jahan "encounter" fiasco and I'm not going to even attempt to go into it's intricate details. These days between the allegedly fake encounters, to the allegedly useless nuclear tests and the allegedly clunkety piece of crap we sent to the moon, it seems that the truth, just like Elvis, has left the building.

One would expect that there would be more outrage about "encounters" being that they are the complete anti-thesis of the constitution and impinges on the basic right to life and all that jazz which those stupid jhola-walas and their boring-ass NGOs keep blabbing about. But, hey, did you even see Shaenshah? In which Amitabh Bachachan plays a crooked cop by the day and a rugged one-man court by night? It was just like the sitcom Night Court but with more dead people.

Didn't you learn anything from it?

See, thanks to our totally useless legal system, evil men called JK get away from the long-hands of the law ALL the time. Because they have what we in the 'hood call cash money.

So what's a brother to do?

Simple.

Just go ahead and encounter those sum-bitches. Totally effective in decreasing crime. And also, a great method of crowd control. In fact, they do the exact same thing in China whenever some stupid democracy loving fool wants to question the totally excellent, awesome and glorious one-party rule.

Another thing, it is so cool when someone says "Shoot first and ask questions later". Except, of course, when you are the one being shot at. Tee Hee! Yippie-Kay-yay, motherfucker. That's just how we roll.

You see, we have to be very vigilant. When those evil-doers from that country we affectionately refer to as the foreign hand come over here, they take no prisoners and kill indiscriminately.

Therefore, we have to do the same. Even if most of the time innocent people get killed. That's what the term Collateral Damage was coined for. DUH. As the fellow once said, When in Paris, do as the romans do.

So what if the government wants to take away my civil rights under the guise of 'national security' so that they can protect me from the growing China-Pakistan-Bangladesh-Nepal-Sri Lanka-Maldives-North Korea-Papua New Guinea nexus?

 

Just tell me where I sign. 

Mumbai voters drive everyone crazy

Ever since the third phase of polling ended, the Indian media has given the whole country a migraine wondering why the people of Mumbai HATE democracy. They have been meditating on their favourite tarot card while wondering why the people of Mumbai didn't vote for the status quo. And to cure their insomnia, instead of counting sheep, they've been interviewing imaginary people who did not vote to get to the bottom of this eternal quandary.

Now, some people have been able to get over the shock and come up with their own theories on how to prevent such an occurrence from happening again.

One of the brilliant ideas (brilliant for ideas pulled out of people's asses) is to make voting compulsory.

I think it's an idea whose time has come. Not because it's the best way to get voters out -- we'd much rather they came out on their own -- but because Indian democracy will be seriously damaged if turnouts continue to fall at this rate.

Silly me! I thought the basic pillar of democracy was that one does not make decisions for other people! In a participatory democracy, isn't participation voluntary? Just like consensual, pre-marital sex ? Free will. Isn't that one of the principles of democracy? But what do I know, I never paid attention during civics class.

This reminds me of another country which has compulsory voting.

That's right. The "Democratic" Republic of Korea. Where, in a reality show, if you get eliminated, you are actually killed and your remains stuffed into individual Peking rolls and sold to unsuspecting tourists as a 'delicacy'. Stellar company, people. Stellar company.

We're already half-way there anyway. We did have our own version of a Dear Leader at one time.

Isn't it great that we nipped nepotism and dynastic politics in the bud? Two cheers for Indian democracy, baby!

Hip Hip, Hu......cough cough.

And then there is Vir Sanghvi. Always expect him to come up with the most inane observation ever.

If you think back on these claims and assurances, you will realize that not one of these statements was backed by any empirical evidence. Most of us believed them only because they were reported in the media again and again. We were told by relatively prominent Bombay socialites (but significantly, not by any politicians) that the mood of the city had changed. And we took them at their word.

What the low turnout figures tell us is not that Bombay has failed India. In fact, the city has reacted in exactly the same way that responds to every election. What they really tell us is this: we listened to the wrong people. We wasted our time believing socialites, admen, midgets on the fringes of journalism, small-time actors and busybodies who made grandiose political statements each time they got onto TV or wrote guest columns in newspapers.

Isn't that the problem?

Gee, I wonder why women more than sixty years old who write novels which exhibit awkward sex (not that I have ever read any of those books. Please, I'd rather die of the swine flu.) do not represent the mainstream. You know what one of the problems of the media is? They keep looking at people who are can "represent" other people in a totally non-hip-hop way. Anybody who claims to represent any demographic, well, is a fool. And anyone who believes them, an even bigger fool.

I sincerely say that on behalf of people everywhere.

One thing about Vir Sanghvi. He thinks everyone else besides Vir Sanghvi is an elitist.

Dude, you wrote a book about FOOD. How is that not being an elitist?

As for the people who didn't vote, the following picture is a perfect metaphor for what they want to say.

Don't F@#k with our Booze!!

Dear Old People Who Pretend To Run Our Country,

Yes I'm talking to you. Since I don't know how to get through to you, (none of you are on facebook), and unlike the old lady who lives three houses down, I can't make you hear me by SHOUTING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, I have to write an open letter. Since most of you are illiterate, I'm assuming you'll have one of your staff read it to you.

Anyways, I don't want to take potshots at you right now. Maybe later. I come in peace.

See, usually, me and other millions of Indians of my age group, we don't care about the issues until the shit hits the fan. And most of the time we're really conscious of our Indian identity only on 26th Jan, 15 August and whenever we beat anyone in Cricket.

We have this unspoken agreement. You do what you need to do to keep turning this country into a clusterfuck, and we keep trying to ignore you. But since you make it so hard for us to ignore your mishaps, we need our daily intake of alcohol to keep creating our own reality, our own version of India. Just like they do in those awesomely irritating "Coming of Age" novels set in IIT\IIM\Other institutes which produce future NRi's.

Things were going so well. You kept burgeoning your Swiss Bank accounts with the money meant for the development of our country, and we kept trying to convince some poor, unsuspecting and extremely racist American that he's talking to some dumbass in Michigan.

But you did the unthinkable. To use some horrendous metaphors, the water finally flowed over our head (See, I learned this from my last manager. He used to translate hindi proverbs into english using each word's literal meaning. Much fun. You should try it sometime. Maybe during Parliament sessions whenever someone talks about the real issues facing our country. At least you won't fall asleep on National Television.), the monkey's back has been broken, the fat lady has sung and we're not in Kansas anymore. (To understand the last one, please have someone from your staff read The Wizard of Oz and explain it to you).

You f@#cked with our booze.

Look, we already take too much crap from you.

You know the tax you deduct from our incomes? Which pays for your fancy home in Janpath? And for your foreign trips? The ones in which you take your wife, your mistress and all the children born from the womb of these unfortunate women? Yes, that's the one. Which also pays for all your five hundred servants. Can you imagine if Gandhi were alive what would he say?

Don't F@#k with the Booze would be his constant rhetorical retort. Although, he wouldn't use the F word. Say what you will about him but that guy was all propah.

Unlike Vallabhai Patel. Now that dude was gangsta.

Look, we're not like your children. We're not going to get drunk and shoot the bartender.

Unlike the next seven generations of your family, most of us don't have well stocked mattresses full of legitimate Indian currency. We have to earn it. So sometimes, when we send too many forwards while at work, we like go to a nice pub, sit back and relax, listen to some crappy music and pay double for our booze and food. Whatever is left after we pay for roads which are not built, bridges which are on the verge of collapsing, electricity is mostly sparse and which causes us to have two backups at home and telephones which only work when the telephone provider needs to remind you to pay the bill. But it's OUR money we spend. I know it's an unknown concept for you. So let me explain things in terms you would understand. Imagine how angry you would get when people expect you to actually use your allocated constituency fund (Yes, we know about that. Something they teach us in school. No, don't change the textbooks. Hear me out, dammit!) to build resources in your ...err... constituency. Just double that anger and multiply it by a thousand. That's how angry we feel when someone tries to take away our freedom.

Okay. I know I lost you there. So before I deride you further, let me explain. Freedom = The right of a person to take decisions that affect himself or herself on their own without any coercion. Mental or Physical.

Stop laughing!! It's a real concept.

No, seriously.

Okay, fine. Don't believe me. Sigh.

Just don't F@#k with the Booze!!

Look, we're not like the politicians they show in hindi movies. Those who get high on a little desi hooch and date-rape the woman on their staff. I'm not saying it's true. I'm hardly in a position to insinuate anything. I'm just specifying what they show in the movies.

Most of us, if we get hammered, end up peeing in the washbasin instead of the WC. If we can't even spray our pee into the correct place, how the fuck would we manage to impregnate young nubile virgins with our superior Indian sperm (now with ISI mark)!!

So Don't F@#k with the Booze!!

Look, we start drinking in our teens. Some of us know the difference between fun drunk and Tara Reid drunk (been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt). Unlike your greed for money, our greed for alcohol is not insatiable. Some of us understand the meaning of the word "moderation". (Of course, when I say some of us, I mean people other than me. C'mon. You can't win 'em all, can ya?)

So Don't F@#k with the Booze!!

If for one minute you think that we wait till we're 25 to have our first drink, then dude, what have you been smokin? By the time I was 25, I had to replace my left liver with a cheap, shiny new one from some poor kid in the Philippines. You're not the only ones who can break the law. No siree Bob.

So Don't F@#k with the Booze!!

See. If you take away our alcohol, we'd have to fill our time with something else. We might even start to read. And reading = knowledge (unless of course one is reading a book by Shobha De. Or Pamela Anderson. I'm horrified even thinking about it. Brrrrr). We might suddenly realize that what you have been upto since we discovered alternate consciousness. We might be forced to talk about the issues amongst ourselves. We might even google for our constitution and land on a wikipedia page which makes us aware of our fundamental rights. We might even fill the election form and finally get that voter Id card made. (But don't worry. We won't vote. Cause election day is like a day off from work for most of us. For those of, us who're single, we would be nursing a huge headache with asprin and wine, and those of us who are married would be nursing a headache and attending a picnic with he extended family. Not that we want to. I mean, it's hard to come up with excuses when everything you can possibly do is closed. Except the bars. We just love the bars. Did I tell you that?)

Hell, we might even read something relevant online instead of the comment section on Amitabh Bachchan's blog. Or hold a candlelight vigil (which is usually held to allow Barkha Dutt to wear her favorite purple Ethnic kurta and tip her metaphorical hat to India's youth while Vikram Chandra huffs and puffs in the studio). We might even use the Right to Information act to find out which self-serving scheme of yours has eaten up our last year's pay.


Do you really want a few million, sober, educated, almost well read, young adults, jacked up on caffeine (Hey, everyone should have more than one kind of addiction. Just being addicted to a single thing is asking for trouble), demanding that you finally change things instead of trying to legislate your own prudish sensibility??


No?????


I thought so.


Therefore, pay attention to what I say.


Don't F@#k with our Booze!!

de-MOCK-cracy

As I write this, our television channels and news sites beam images of currency notes being put on the tables in the well of the Lok Sabha. Yes, these images are disturbing. Yes, these images are shameful. Yes, it's a black day for democracy.

However, one thing it is not is surprising.

When I first saw those images, somehow, I was not shocked. Because, finally, the facade has been broken.

We always knew the truth. We knew that support is bought and sold. We even coined terms for it like horse trading and aya ram, gaya ram. Jokes about it are now part of Indian pop culture. We even read scathing editorials and blog posts. We held discussions about it. We made successful and unsuccessful movies portraying it. Today, we finally saw it.

That is why I don't feel shocked. I don't feel betrayed. I only feel bemused and sad and disgusted.

Now all news anchors are giving us sentimental, sanctimonious speeches. Yes, we've all heard that before. Is anything going to change? No. Is Indian politics suddenly going to start being about ideology rather than about money and power. No.

What will happen? There will be outbursts, yes. But only on television. In some drawing rooms over a hot cup of tea or coffee. There will be editorials pooh-pooing all the various players involved. Magazine covers providing an in-depth analysis. Blog posts condemning the media, condeming the politicians, condemning the people. We might even get a few humorous and sarcastic posts out of it. Everyone will agree that politicians are scum and the everyone is corrupt.

After a few days, when the infinite loop of these images have earnt their last rupee on India TV, we will go back to talking about reality shows and bollywood wars. We will justify to ourselves that no one can change anything, that India will remain the same and it's the country is fucked up beyond repair. We will watch our movies for escaping from real life, for doing in the reel world what we cannot do in the real. We will read our books full of magic realism. We will go back to teaching our children that our culture in morally superior to other cultures, and on 15th August we will send each other SMS's which proclaim that our country is the best in the world. Our misplaced jingoistic patriotic pride at work again.

In the end, our politicians will go back to what they are the best at doing, making our country a bonafide de-MOCK-cracy.

Jai Hind.

Shame on ..... who?

I read this news report that the Intelligence agencies had definitive reports a few months ago that there would be an attack on Jaipur and Hardwar. In fact Jaipur was identified as a "prime target".

On the basis of Jalaluddin's confessions, India's Intelligence Bureau did issue advice last year, listing a number of cities like Jaipur that it said were on the "hit list" of the jihadis.

Then for a few months nothing happened and the intelligence advisory was forgotten.

"That is how intelligence works in India. A general advisory on the basis of some confession or an agent report is usually forgotten when nothing happens for a while," says Bibhuti Bhusan Nandy, a former deputy chief of India's Research and Analysis Wing (Raw), that is responsible for external intelligence.

"The intelligence agencies rarely chase up leads to get more specific intelligence and when something like Jaipur happens, they refer to their old report to save their jobs."

I don't want to blame the government, the police, the intelligence agencies. These people have already gotten their share of the blame. They are doing either a lackadaisical job or no job at all. The reason they get away with this is because their supposed bosses, the people of India have come to accept this as a way of life. Rather than make an effort to try to take the government to task, all we do is say a few obligatory sentences like no one is doing their job and that the terrorists want to incite a religious riot or stupid stuff like that. Yes, the government is not doing it's job. It has not been doing so for the past 60 years. However, we have gotten so used to the government not doing their job that we have made our peace with it. We have forgotten our job which is to take the government to task.

Our job as Indian citizens is to ask the government what steps it is taking to prevent such incidents from happening in the future? We need our government to explain why there is a need to call a security expert from South Africa to protect the IPL teams in Jaipur? In a country of more than a billion people, it is shameful that we need nationals from other countries to protect our own people.

It is shameful that we won't even stop once to think that those innocent lives could have been saved. We won't stop to think that so many more innocent lives are going to be sacrificed again because people we vote for (or don't vote for), people whose salaries comes from the taxes we pay, are not doing anything about it.

It shames me that I was only able to know this fact because of Google and the BBC. It shames me that news media in my country is busy covering what Aamir Khan writes on his blog rather than bring such essential facts to the forefront. It shames me that most people in this country would never get to know a lot of things not because they are not interested but because they do not have access to education, electricity and the internet. Because someone has not been doing their job.

We can sit back and let the government keep blaming the proverbial foreign hand. Yes, gathering and disseminating intelligence is not our job. Yes, acting on that intelligence is not our job. However, making sure that people who are not doing their job are out of it is our job.

Yes, the system is hard to fight against. Yes, you can't take on city hall. Yes, everything is screwed up. However, people have just given up. Most people have been bought up to be slaves of the system. Children have to bribe their way to get a "quality" education (whose quality is always in doubt). Old, retired people have to pay hash money to get access to their own retirement fund. The tax payes who pay the actual tax are the ones who suffer the most.

But all we do is make some movies about it, take up one issue and then forget about everything and go back to our old ways.

Our politicians have brainwashed people in our country to concentrate on frivolous issues like caste, caste and people are ready to kill because of some stupid erotic paintings.

There is a reason that politicians don't pander to the so called urban citizens. Merely because the educated, informed masses do not go and vote. To say that there is no candidate is an easy way out. How many of us, including me actually have a voters id card? I for one, have never voted. So I share the blame too.

We need to make the government, the bureaucrats and the media to do their job. How? By simply doing ours.

That's all.

Bhutia is no C*utiya

Ladies and gentlemen, the little BIG man from Sikkim deserves a round of applause. I really am not into Indian football much but this man, with his gesture has made me a fan of his. Finally, someone in the public domain who has the balls to say that China is f*cked up. He has proven, that he actually does have the golden balls. (Apologies for the horrible analogies)

However, the pussies in the Indian government are not moved. Pranab Mukhrjee issued a statement asking the Dalai Lama not to embarrass India. Wow.

Au contraire Mr Mukerjee, you are the one who is embarrassing India. You are the one is buying the propaganda Bejiing pedals. You are the one who crap in his pants when your ambassador is called at 2 a.m. You and your government are embarrassing Indian by letting China get away by laying claim to Arunachal Pradesh. The Dalai Lama has done nothing but appreciate your government for allowing him to stay. I'm sure if this was a muslim imam, he would have been allowed to be crazy. But it's the Dalai Lama. So who gives a shit? Isn't that right Mr Mukherjee?

I am embarrassed by you Mr Mukherjee. Embarrassed that I have to be represented by people like you. People who have no spine. Who can't stand up to the left for the country's future. People who cannot stand up to China because they are too shit scared. People who let China get away with murder while you try to silence a non-violent monk. YOU are an embarrassment. Not the Dalai Lama.

China has been eliminating the Tibetan identity like a cerebral assassin. The world just sits there and watches. Why not give the country which has one of the worst human right records in the world, the opportunity to host the olympics?
Just because they have a burgeoning economy , does not give them the right to act as they please. They have to be accountable. The Chinese government has to answer to the world for it's hitleresque actions in Tibet.

So Baichang Bhutia, well done. You're the first among equals. Good work. This is even better than the soccer world cup. Snubbing the arrogant dragon. To the people of Tibet, Carpe Diem!!

Let's watch Cricket while Tibet burns .....

Another day, another faux paux by our government. I'm talking about arresting Tibetan protesters. I thought we were a democracy. People are allowed to protest. So, only if you aren't Tibetan. It's not that I am a big fan of the Dalai Lama or anything, but the way the Tibetan protesters were treated by the Indian police is horrendous. Just because they are not affiliated to any political party and are not protesting for reservation, does not mean that they have a valid point.

The attitude of the police all over Indian has been nothing short of autocratic. I was reading an article in the mecca of journalism, the Times of India, where a police office says that:

Meanwhile, in the area around Majnu Ka Tila, sub-inspector Rakesh Khari headed a large team of police personnel outside the colony. A riot control van was stationed nearby to check protesters in case they got violent. "A group of angry protesters tried to block the highway last night. We cannot allow any activity that would disrupt normalcy,"said Khari.

Yes. Mr Khari, a group of angry protesters should not be allowed to disrupt normal activities. However, in case they are protesting about Jodha Akbar, they are allowed to disrupt normal activities. You can look the other way. But how dare do they protest about something as insignificant as independence. How dare they presume that they have a right to free speech? How dare do they presume that a country that was fighting unjust occupation a little over sixty years ago would understand their struggle. Yes Mr. Khari, those fuckers are wrong. They should just sit around and watch their biggest oppressor being given a collective blow job by the Indian Left and the west. They should stick to doing what they know best; selling Chicken Manchurian (which is not even remotely manchurian by the way) and overpriced electronic goods made in Korea.

Just because we have this hush-hush wink-wink deal with China does not mean that we should not allow the Tibetans to protest against the lead-poisoning Asian giant. What gets to me more is that we Indians are not affected by it at all. We are okay with our Government doing to other people what the British did to us half a century ago. We get more angry when Symonds calls Harbhajan an obnoxious little weed. That's murder. That hurts our Indian pride. However, seeing peaceful democratic protesters being treated like terrorists does not affect us. Nobody actually comes out and gives a shit.

Our esteemed external affairs minister, Pranab Mukhrjee, has released the following statement:

In response to a question on Tibetans in India protesting against the violence in Tibet, the spokesperson of the ministry said, ''Tibetan refugees, while in India, are expected to refrain from political activities and activities that affect India's relations with friendly countries."

Yes, Mr minister. Thank you for your words. I am so glad we are friends with China. Maybe that is why China is supporting us for the nuclear deal. Uh-oh, it's not? Aright, at least it's dropped it's claim to the state of Arunachal Pradesh? ....No? It's still lays claim to it? Do i hear you correctly Mr, Minister? And what about Aksai Chin in Kashmir. They want to return it to us, but we are not taking it back from them right? Awwwww ... So sweet ... What's a few states between friends. And they have stopped playing with Pakistan and started playing with us? No? You say that they are Pakistan's BFF? I agree, how can you separate Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritche? They belong together don't they? I mean so what if they are helping Pakistan develop the ability to nuke us. At least we get to play with them on Fridays, when Pakistan is praying? I am so glad that you cleared that up for me Mr Minister. Whew!! Those damn Tibetans should just have a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up. And they can sit right next to Tasleema Nasreen's table.