New Rules

The Indian media has to stop having an orgasm every time India wins a match. Listen, sparky. The match was in India. On a fucking Indian pitch. We were bound to win. You can shove your balls in the Aussies faces once you win a match outside of India. Even I know that. And I don't even watch cricket.

CNN has got to show something other than news about the presidential election. There are more than 180 other countries in the world, dawg. Or didja forget the "International" in "CNN International"? It's gotten so bad that Osama and his freaks could blow something up and still not make the headlines. In fact, they just bumped Nelson Madela for an exclusive with Barney the Coffee Guy.

China has to stop trying to poison the rest of the world. It seems that everything that comes from China has some sort of poison in it. Listen up people, if your milk carton is cheaper than the cost of chewing gum, then it's going to make your lungs explode, you cheap fuck.

The British government has to stop trying to suck up to India. Face it, you old fart. We're not going to bail you out of your financial crisis. We told you that this would happen when you made Shipla Shetty your yoga guru. Now remove your leg from behind your head and stop asking us for chump change.

7 reasons to get really drunk this diwali

7. You are more likely to be killed by "peaceful" political demonstrations than by your favorite distilled beverage.

6. Fun drinking game: Everytime you see the words Diwali Special on your TV screen, gulp down a shot of tequila.

5. Thanks to the financial crisis, liver transplants that use livers sourced from the Philippines are now 10% cheaper.

4. Do it for the kids. See, If I drink all the vodka I can get my hands on, there will be none left for the kids. That's what all good role models should do.

3. Two words: Sarah Palin.

2. We were finally able to send some clunkety old machine to the moon on our own. Suck on it, China. We namba one.

1. Seriously, do you think I need a reason?

America, stop showing your buttcrack and pull up your pants

Halo, America. Long time no see. I guess you and we (the rest of the world) aren't really getting along. We have tried. Believe us, we have. We gave that buffoon you call a President every chance to do the right thing. And as usual, he ended up with his head up his own arse.

Listen, big guy, you can't really wash your hands of your responsibility. You won the effing cold war, so by default, you are now supposed to be the one remaining superpower in the whole world. It's time you act like it and drop your whole schoolyard-bully shtick.

I understand power got to your head. Happens to the best of us. I bully my pets too. But you need to understand that you need to grow up a little. When you screw up, the rest of the world has to pay, like the old ancient Chinese proverb says, You broke it, we bought it. In other words, when you don't have a bowl of chicken soup, the world gets a cold.

It's time for you to be guided in the right direction. So clean your room, wear some clean underwear, have your glass of milk and vote an intelligent person into the office of the your President.

Choose Obama. He's smart, he's educated, he's articulate and he won't steal your wallet. Make a sensible decision for once in your lifetime. Remember all your great leaders. JFK. Bill Clinton. George Clooney. Do it for them. Just think how nice it would be to have a President who can pronounce the word nuclear Or knows how to eat a pretzel.

Let's face it, America. We are angry at you but we love you. Without you we would neither have anything good to watch on TV nor would we have any Internet Porn. Although the Germans make porn too but you can never understand whether they are saying "Daddy's little girl" or "Heil Hitler". Kind of confusing. Ruins the whole mood.

We can't bear to watch you continuing to dig yourself in a deep hole. You clearly require some sort of intervention. So let me put things in terms you can understand.

See, a Barack Obama administration will be like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It's going to start out good and although everyone will lose their way in the middle, it'll always end on a happy note. A John McCain administration will be like an episode of Sex & the City. You don't really know what to expect but you can be sure that someone is going to get screwed during the process.

Look, all we're saying is be sensible. If you elect another folksy dumb fuck for President, the rest of the world is going to break up with you. Fo shizzle.

You know, to show how much we care, we'll even sweeten the deal for ya. We promise, henceforth, not to call ya dumbass Americans anymore. At least for a while, anyway. Hell, we won't say anything even if we see one of those cowboy boots wearing Texans who think a framed cow's ass is a conversational piece. It'll be hard, but we're ready to make that sacrifice.

Just do a little something you've not done for a while.

THINK.

Loose ends

Thursday was the big debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin. Although pundits called the debate a draw, Sarah Palin proved to the world that she is ready to lead. Ready to lead the next season of Sesame Street.

I'm not saying she was bad at the debate, but her brother, the teacher of a third grade class in an elementary school in Alaska, gave her an "F".

Closer home, the Tata's moved their Nano project from Singur, thanks to the protests led by Ms Mamta Baneerjee. In fact, while the Tata's are welcomed to other states with a red carpet of cheap real estate and tax cuts, Ms Banerjee still remains in a state of denial.

India and the US are finally going to sign the nuclear deal. The left is still visibly upset. In fact, today Prakash Karat withdrew support for his wife's new dressing table and everytime a reporter on any news channel mentions the nuclear-power deal, Sitaram Yechury does a tequila shot.

Nokia is about to release it's real answer to the iPhone. In fact, not only does the new nokia phone have all the bells and whistles the iPhone has, it also does your taxes, sends your girlfriend flowers everytime you screw up and finds you an empty parking spot during peak hours. In fact, the Sarah Palin edition of the phone even detects and kills witches withing a three mile radius.

Health minister Ramados is happy that his nationwide smoking ban is now in place. He says his next target is alcohol. This is all part of his "Suck all the fun out of life" strategy.

There is so much love in this country that it kills me

Someone asked me the other day why most shows on our television are crash & burn shows like Jerry Springer or tear fests like Oprah. He meant that why are all the happy people on our television white or African American? At that time I was too drunk to answer so I just shrugged and had another drink. It's not something you'd like to answer when you are five minutes away from passing out.

However, since I do have a hangover right now, and have had multiple cups of coffee, I think I'm mentally ready to provide answers to great sociological question mankind is curious about.

The reason why we love to see people cry and suffer is simple: We really hate each other.

I know you're going to hate me (what's new about that) for saying this, but let's face facts.

We hate each other and love to see each other suffer. In fact, we hate each other so much, we'll kill our countrymen at the drop of a hat.

Don't pray to my God, well, let me send you to yours.
I don't like your surname, can I kill you?
Didja look at my daughter in a funny way even though you're blind? No sweat, but can I break all the bones in your body?
I hate the drapes in your living room. It's a crime against fashion, bitch. You deserve to go to hell.


We can't see anybody happy. Our neighbors, our work colleagues, our friends, famous people, random people on the street etc.

We don't have debates and discussions in our country. If people don't agree with each other, they simply kill each others children. It's a simple and effective way to get your point across and it keeps the population in check.

All those rights about freedom of choice or religion mentioned in our constitution are just extracts from a boring story book. It's not about who's right or who's wrong. It's about who can spend more money to hire a mob of people.

No, no. Don't get me wrong. We do respect an individual's right to choose as long as he chooses what we think is right for him.

In fact, sometimes, if we don't agree with our children, we kill them too. After all we know what's best for those ungrateful basteds.

So tonight, when you do go to sleep, remember, sleep with one eye open. Because watcha gonna do, when they come for you?

Okay. Wrong song. But you get the picture, right?

Stupid & Clueless: The Sarah Palin Story

Let's talk about foreign policy. So Gov. Palin, you have been quoted by various media sources saying that you have foreign policy experience because Alaska shares a border with Russia. That's a joke, right?



Err. Ummm. Okay then. It wasn't a joke. You really meant it. Hey you know what, using the same logic, let's say I just read a book. So that must mean that I am a world renowned author. Like Yay.


Okay, so this whole bailout thing. What the hell are they talking about?



Right. Thanks for clearing that up, Governor. Your clarity of thought is mesmerizing.




This explains why SNL sketch is so funny even though it used your ACTUAL quotes.






Okay. Maybe bringing in Grandpa would make things a little bit better.



Ummm ... Sadly, that makes things worse. McCain looks like his head was about to explode. But he also cracked a joke, right? I didn't get it. Maybe because I'm not a maverick.


Anyways, all I have to say, is that if this pair wins on Nov 4, my advice to all the people living in America would be: Run, Baby, Run.

5 reasons this blog hasn't been updated

5. I was convinced by India TV that the world is about to end so I got busy trying to check items on my "101 bars to drink at before I die" list

4. I was stuck in a house with thirteen other people with no contact with the outside world while our every move was being broadcast on National Television

3. I was so jealous of someone's Goa trip, I decided to take a "trip" of my own

2. I suspended updating my blog to focus on resolving the economic crisis

1. I realized no one really reads this blog anyway so why bother

How to spend tax payers money - Indian style

Watching the Democratic National Convention really left me dumbfounded. I mean these Americans are so smug thinking that they have everything figured out. I mean they talk about taxpayers money like they know how to use it. Ha!! They really don’t get it do they? So, I consider it my duty to let them and the world know how the central and state governments in India like to spend taxpayer money. To show the world why, to use the immortal words of a fellow patriotic Indian, We Numba One.

So world leaders pay attention. This is how it’s done.

Taxpayer money should be spent on the following:

1. To award real heroes
   
   We need to award and encourage the real heroes of the country. People who make us proud to be an Indian. No, I’m not talking about those soldiers at the border to have it so easy, with their cosy torn sleeping bags in one of the coldest regions of the world. No siree Bob. Not those men and woman who sacrifice their lives so that people in our country can safely live theirs. Nope. I’m talking about real heroes like Abhinav Bindra. A man who brought so much fame and fortune to India that some of it overflowed into Bangladesh. He won an Olympic Gold medal. He deserves all that taxpayer money we can give him. Doesn’t matter that the families of those soldiers who die at the hands of terrorists have nothing to eat. That’s okay. However, we will not rest until every sportsmen in the country who can afford to drive a Mercedes, is given all the taxpayer money we can spare. And we can spare a lot of money ya know. India is shining, bitch. So what if a few farmers kill themselves and war widows have to scrape to feed their families? Do you see a gold medal around their necks? No? I thought so. No one gets medals for trekking three miles for a vessel of water.
   
   
2. For honoring those who spent their life in service of their country
   
   Are you one of the country’s most famous soldiers? Are you the only Field Marshall this great land of ours has ever produced? Did you famously tell a Prime minister that you will not engineer a coup against her? If yes, then sorry. You don’t deserve a state funeral. Hell, you don’t even deserve to have the day of your funeral REMEMBERED by any government department at all. State funerals are for young, talented reality show stars. Those who do us proud by winning one of the thousands of talent shows on cable television. You’re just a decorated war hero. Walk it off, soldier.
   
   
3. On providing jobs for the needy
   
   Yes. Our government looks out for all those in need for a job. Not only do we provide them with jobs in government departments/companies, we also promote them out of turn over other losers. Needy people like MS Dhoni and the Great Khali. Even if they have not reported to work for more than 5 years. Or have never even seen their workplace. Equal pay for no work, remember? These people are guranteed employment under the constitution. Those millions of graduates that are added to the workforce every year can work in those damn call centers. Or go abroad. Who cares? Soak in the power of democracy people. Soak it in.
   
   
4. To provide healthcare for the elderly
   
   This is one of the most important traditions of our country. Taking care of our elders. Helping those who need healthcare for those who cannot afford it. For eg: A former prime minister who advocated hiring doctors not based on merit but their last name. All the medical bills that he incurs when he goes to visit doctors in the UK and the US are taken care of by Indian taxpayer money. Not those doctors he helped hire, but the ones who live thousands of miles away from his home. A lesser man would have budged under the weight of such irony. But not this patriarch. We should all applaud his dedication to the cause of social justice. Meanwhile there have been hospitals built for the elderly in rural areas. They just don't have any doctors or medicines or any medical equipment. So what? It's the thought that counts. Why bother about details?
   
   
5. On modern and progressive education
   
   Our state education department spent millions of rupees to come up with a sex education manual which does not mention the words “sex” and “intercourse”. That’s how it should be. If kids get to know about how babies are born, they would rush out of their classroom that instant and start bumping uglies (i.e. having sex, making love, whatever you westernized unpatriotic basteds call it). This promoted our culture of not acknowledging the mere facts of life. In India, there is NO s*x. Only Immaculate Conception takes place. Praise the lord. Sex is immoral. Like rock music and decaf coffee.
   
   
6. On promoting secular values
   
   The preamble of our constitution proclaims our great country to be secular and the state and religious values to be separate.However, who really believes all that crap. In our country, God is omnipresent. Especially wherever there is no water and electricity. For those people, God is all they got. SO why fight it? Why not appease every religion and make everybody feel insecure? Why not turn every election into an election about religion? Nothing can go wrong, right?? After all, hasn't our country been an example of communal harmony since the summer of 1947?