7 reasons to get really drunk this diwali

7. You are more likely to be killed by "peaceful" political demonstrations than by your favorite distilled beverage.

6. Fun drinking game: Everytime you see the words Diwali Special on your TV screen, gulp down a shot of tequila.

5. Thanks to the financial crisis, liver transplants that use livers sourced from the Philippines are now 10% cheaper.

4. Do it for the kids. See, If I drink all the vodka I can get my hands on, there will be none left for the kids. That's what all good role models should do.

3. Two words: Sarah Palin.

2. We were finally able to send some clunkety old machine to the moon on our own. Suck on it, China. We namba one.

1. Seriously, do you think I need a reason?

7 Things Overheard in the George Bush-Manmohan Singh meeting during the G8 summit

7. My Cheney is a woman!!

6. Stop calling me Funmohan, you dumbass

5. Funny thing, even I became a leader without winning the popular vote

4. HELP!!! The President is choking on a piece of chicken tikka ... !! I'm not a real doctor dammit . . . HELP!!

3. Can I borrow Karl Rove for my next election?

2. No, I can't help you fix your PC. I'm not technical support.

1. Mr President, STOP PLAYING HIDE & SEEK and come out from under the table. It's not funny now and it wasn't funny the first 49 times either.

Top 10 Surprises in the Modern Mahabharata

10. Sanjay uses his psychic power to help the blind king, Dhritarashtra, earn money by betting on IPL matches
9. Feeling left out and ignored by everybody, Nakul and Sehdev, write and produce an autobiographical movie titled The Excellent Adventures of Nakul & Sehdev
8. Bhim quits the army and opens an amusement theme park called Bhim's House of Blood
7. Shahrukh Khan makes a special appearance as the King of Bollywoodumprastha to do an item song called "Dard-e-Duryodhan"
6. President of the Hastinapur Human Rights Commission calls a press conference and says that Draupadi practically asked for the cheer haran by dressing too provocatively
5. Yudhistar gets a shot in the arm for his campaign to be king when he is endorsed by Oprah
4. To placate the MNS, 80% of the characters speak in Marathi
3. Abhimanyu finally breaks the Chakrahvyu by reading about it on Wikipedia via his blackberry
2. Instead of having the Mahabharata battle, the Pandavs and Kauravs decide to face off in a reality show judged by Javed Akhtar and Navjot Singh Sidhu called "The Great Indian Slaughter Challenge"
1. Bhishma dishes the dirt about everybody on his Blog on bigkurukshetra.com called "Confessions of a Pissed off Pitahmah"

Top Ten messages left on the Voicemail of ......... *Classified Information*

Top Ten messages left on the voice mail of [a Great Female National Leader who belongs to an even greater family of national importance] after the Karnataka elections

10. It's Rahul. Did I leave my copy of Guitar Hero at your place?
9. Halo?? Hellllooo? Are you there Madam??? *Beep* Voicemail hai kya?? This is Arjun Singh. We should have projected Rahul Baba as the chief ministerial candidate. Hello????
8. It's Deve Gowda. I just woke up. What happened?
7. Namaste, This is LK Advani. Thank you handing us 2009 on a silver platter. BJP Shining.
6. This is Vinod Mehta. Even I can't spin this shit into a personal victory for you.
5. Satsriakal Madam. Your everlasting humble servant begs you to please in your good grace ask Pranab Mukhrjee to stop calling me? He keeps giving me a missed call from different numbers and whenever I call back, he asks me to resign. A thousand apologies for the trouble. Thank you, your esteemed royal highness.
4. It's Hillary Clinton. Losing an election is no reason to give up running for that election. Fight on. Don't forget, you're in it to win it. Girl Power. Rah! Rah!! You go, girl.
3. It's Sitaram. Yechury, Not Kesri. *Sound of loud laughter followed by a prolonged bout of coughing*. I really need to stop doing that. *Ahem* We need to meet to chalk out a strategy to put the blame on someone. We can gather the coalition elders at my place. I'll send out for some Chinese ...
2. It's Star Plus. Do you want to host a reality show?
1. Helooooo. It's Najma Heputullah. Please hold the line while I sing.

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the leader is Sonia Gandhi .... Just a precaution .... You never know whose reading what ....

12 ways PM Manmohan Singh can increase his popularity

12. Order a CBI inquiry to find out how Shahrukh Khan can be at multiple locations at the same time
11. Ask Mukesh Ambani to use his kids weekly allowance to cover the national debt
10. Start speeches with "Dude, the other day I was so wasted ......"
9. Hire Ranbir Kapoor & Deepika Padukone as brand ambassadors
8. Table a bill in Parliament making it illegal for Himesh Rehshamiya to sing or make movies
7. Make Shilpa Shetty the Indian Ambassador to Britain
6. Commission a new show called "Are you a bigger sycophant than Arjun Singh?"
5. Along with LK Advani, star in Ram Gopal Verma's second remake of Sholay
4. Ask Jassi (Mona Singh) for an extreme makeover
3. Order a no-holds-barred match between Renuka Chowdhary and the great Khali
2. Gee ..wizz ... Grow a pair and sign the Nuclear Power deal
1. Resign

10 Signs Barack Obama is getting cocky

10. Canceled a week of campaigning to play Grand Theft Auto 4
9. Has given Oprah her 2 month notice
8. Hired Rob Lowe's former Nanny
7. Challenged Hillary to a Drink off contest for Oregon's delegates
6. Has formed a "Assisted living for John McCain" exploratory committee
5. Has bought Bear Sterns with his campaign fund money
4. Has agreed to star in new romantic comedy opening this summer "Forgetting Dubya"
3. Sent message to Florida and Michigan democrats saying "Shit Happens, Get over it"
2. Has asked George Stephonophilis to get ready for new assignment in Cuba
1. New Veep Candidate: Rev Wright

Top 10 signs that you are not smarter than a fifth grader

10. You spent eight years in the 5th Grade and still had to bribe your way out
9. You are hooked on to India TV & Star News
8. In a DVD store, you ask for Krazzy 1 , 2 & 3
7. When faced with a tough situation, you find yourself thinking "What would Shilpa Shetty do?"
6. On your Shaadi.com profile, you describe yourself as having the wit & charm of the great khali
5. You write a fan letter to Jadoo from Koi Mil Gaya
3. Your speech about religion which no one can understand is a viral video on You Tube
2. You need to send a memo to your council of ministers asking them to keep you in the loop on major policy decisions even though you are the Prime Minister
1. You post a lousy Top 10 list on a blog which no one reads

Top 10 Australian excuses on losing the cup

10.Still upset over the Shahid-Kareena break up.
9. Too much Foster's before the game.
8. The umpires were neutral.
7. The whole team was tired from 'kangaroo-riding' Glichrist the night before the match.
6. Wanted to please the owners of the IPL teams.
5. Blame it on the streaker.
4. Wanted to go home early to watch the Australian Idol finale.
3. Wanted to see Harbhajan do his pump-up-the-jam-bhangra one more time.
2. We were told that the wining team gets to see the English version of "RGV ki Aag".
1. The Indian team handed us our asses on a golden plate.