Baby, it’s Cold Outside

(This first appeared in the Sunday Guardian)

The saviour of people caught in awkward situations who have nothing else to talk about, the weather, has been a ‘hot’ topic of conversation lately. Unless you’re a hibernating bear languishing in a remote cave, you’d notice that the weather seems to have gotten a tad bit cooler. In fact, it was so cold, Shashi Tharoor said something controversial just to be in hot water again. However, nothing really says winter is here than when people start questioning whether global warming is real. Apparently, some folks like to keep warm by shrouding themselves in ignorance.

The fact that we’re still debating the reality of global warming does not bode well for our future. In simple terms, this is what happens: Human activity causes a large amount of gases to be released into the atmosphere. The earth’s atmosphere traps these gases as well as the heat generated by them. This causes our glaciers to melt at a faster rate than the natural process can replenish them. Glaciers deflect about eighty percent of the heat from the sun. So when the glaciers start disappearing, this heat is instead absorbed by the earth. This increases the temperature of the planet, thus leading to ‘global warming.’  The expected outcome of global warming is an increase in extreme weather conditions. So the cold weather will get colder, the rains will get more torrential, hurricanes will get more powerful and volcanoes will erupt more frequently. Basically, the weather will be more chaotic than closing hour at the stock market.

Denying climate change is like denying gravity. If you don’t want to believe the scientists (because why would you want to believe thousands of smart people who have conducted comprehensive research and have released study after study presenting overwhelming evidence to support their claim?), the erratic nature of the weather is visible to everyone. There is nothing “natural” or “cyclical” about having a cold wave and a heat wave in the same year. The past decade has been the hottest decade since when we started recording temperatures. Each natural catastrophe seems to be the ‘worst ever’ in a long time. Earlier this month, Jerusalem was hit with the worst storm in twenty years. The storm was so bad that Jesus turned to God and said “Hey Dad, next time drop me off somewhere warmer. Like Siberia.” Luckily, the city and its surrounding area is full of mature adults known for their tolerance, patience and their apathy to overreaction so they handled the situation quite well.

Australia – which exists in a hipster hemisphere and usually spends its time relaxing on a beach in summer while the countries in the northern hemisphere are freezing in winter – is witnessing such unprecedented high temperatures this season that they had to add new colour codes to the weather map. This has finally woken up their government which is now urging greater global action to combat climate change.

Climate change is exactly the sort of area that needs governments to step up. Not only do we need governments to pass laws to decrease the amount of harmful gases and radiation we release into the atmosphere, we also need them to actually enforce those laws stringently. We need governments to invest in renewable energy. We also need them to use the tools available at their disposal to subsidise the adaptation of technology which uses renewable resources as an energy source. We also need the government to protect whatever remains of our ecology and not cede them to corporate interests’ intent on mining every inch of the planet. But that doesn’t seem on the cards. Developing countries like India and China don’t want to take any major steps to combat climate change because they feel that they just started to pollute the environment and it’s their turn to ruin the planet. Hey, I just got the party, at least let me snort a couple of lines of coke before you call the cops. Most of Europe is busy trying to stay afloat in a large pool of debt using German life-jackets so they don’t even want to think about anything else right now. And half of America thinks that the earth is getting warmer because god is giving us a hug.

One of the reasons of global warming that we seldom talk about is our increasing population. I don’t get people who still insist of procreating. The earth is crumbling, habitable land is decreasing, the climate is getting harsher and living conditions are getting slowly becoming unbearable. Yet, we insist on introducing another life onto this earth, even though there are millions of children without anybody to care for them suffering in orphanages or out on the streets, A very common excuse people give for bringing new human prisoners for our computer overlords running the matrix (WAKE UP SHEEPLE!), is that they want to create life which is “just like themselves.” Someone who carries on their “family name.” Because we’re still like primitive tribal folk on the inside! I mean, really? Do you think that you’re so special that the world needs more copies of you running around? Holy extreme rise in ego, batman!

In the future, when we’re living in unshapely, sterile soviet-esque ‘barrack-homes’ while roaming around in space suits attached with personal air-conditioner units - because the heat outside would make even Mars seem bearable - we’re really going to regret our inaction.

Hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.

While the rest of the world does something important, it's election season in England!

   From L to R: Peter Pan, Gandalf  the Grey and the Wizard of Oz

Everyone in England has got their knickers in a knot these days. No, not because some rogues in some far-off colony want their independence, like in the good old days, but because in three weeks they have to stop drinking for a bit and go to a bloody voting booth and caste their votes to elect one of those sorry arse politicians to the sodding parliament.

In three weeks, Britain might even have a shiny, new Prime Minister!

Now, they had a brilliant idea. To have a debate on teevee, with all the candidates, just like they do in America. Thankfully, they didn't take other ideas from American Democracy like having a two-year election for a four year term or choosing Vice-Presidential candidates through the reality show Project Running-mate.

The British debates were boring, compared to their American counterparts. Not one person winked or shouted "Drill, baby, drill" and apparently, they don't give a broken tooth about Joe the Plumber! And no one was offering a kilo of rice at 2 bucks a pop. 

Here are the top three contenders:

1. Gordon 'Big Ears' Brown

He is the current incumbent Prime Minister and leader of the Labour Party. This is the first election the Labour is fighting under his leadership. The last three were fought with Tony Blair at the helm. Unfortunately for him, neither is he as charming nor can he lie as well as Blair. Analysts predict that he is going to lose badly, because the economy is shite and after thirteen years of Labour, the people want a change (Yeah, you're gonna be hearing this word a LOT. Better get used to it). He has a huge man-crush on President Barack Obama and wants to bone him very badly, as all British PM's are constitutionally mandated to have unrequited feelings for their American counterparts.  If he loses the election, he'll probably retire into some remote British village with his wife & kids and open up a bed & breakfast, since due to his insanely boring personality, he really can't make that much money on the lecture circuit. 

2. David 'David' Cameroon

He is the front-runner for this election, and current leader of the opposition. It is his election to lose. And since he has been acting like he already won the election since last year, he is probably going to come up short. He is a 'compassionate conservative', which means a conservative who does not say racist things in public. If he were writing this blog post, he would have thanked you for reading it. He would have also reminded you that he loves all minorities, even those poor, gross Lesbians who live down the street. He understands how difficult this economic recession has been for everyone, as he has had to fire his fourth butler too, which has made things very difficult at Cameroon manor. Thank the lord for his own personal fortune, otherwise he would have had to live like an immigrant. Which would have been an absolute travesty! Unthinkable, innit?

 3. Nick 'The Kidd' Clegg

As the leader of the Liberal-Democrats, he is the 'wild-card' in this whole shebang. Due to Gordon being such a fuck up, and David being, well, David, experts are predicting that Clegg might be instrumental in deciding who forms the next government, because the election results might yield a hung parliament. Nick is famous for always spewing facts at anyone who cares (or for that matter anyone who doesn't care). He is sort of a wanker. That is why no one in England wants to go drinking with him, as constantly hearing about how mass-marketed alcohol beverages are causing malnutrition in Somalia is a real bugger. I mean, for fucks sake, all a bloke wants to do after a hard day's work is sit in a pub, make some jokes about how the fat chick flirting with the bartender looks like Wayne Rooney and watch some bleeding Rugger on the telly, so shut your pie hole and pass the crisps.    

Anyways, after yesterday's debate, everyone and their grandmother thinks that Nick Glegg is going to be the Prime Minister, because not only is he supremely confident & speaks 'truth to power', all the grannies and single mums in England want to take him home and do things to him which you absolutely do not mention in polite society. Also, since he talked about hope & change, he is being billed as the next Obama because after Nov 4, 2008 every election has to have it's OWN Obama, otherwise no one will care. Thanks, Barry, for ruining all elections, forever. 

Gordon Brown got some good reviews too because he managed to get in a few zingers and was also endorsed by Dr. Who (aka The Doctor. Because I don't want to get hate mail from those people.)  and the only working person in the whole of England, Harry Potter's mom.

These three got another two debates before they finally go to the polls after which everyone in Britain can go back doing whatever they do, like spreading sex diseases through the bookface and then stabbing each other to death.

Ah, Blighty. What would we do without you?

(No don't answer that. It was supposed to be a rhetorical question.)

Lastly, if anyone manages to 'steal' this election, just remember, I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY TWITTER DISPLAY PIC.

Right, ho!

 

[All pictures via Reuters]

UN Anti-Racism conference ruined by Racism

The U.N conference on racism was doomed from the start. Not only were a few countries, including the US, Italy Israel, Australia, New Zealand, Poland and Germany boycotting it, the remaining delegates from the EU and Britain threatened to walk out if the forum was used for hate speech against Israel.

That's exactly what happened.

 

Can someone tell me who in their right mind would invite Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a racism conference?

Was the UN trying to be ironical?

Sure racism is a serious issue and it warrants discussion, but letting Ahmadinjad loose on the floor is completely the opposite way to go. It's like asking Micheal Jackson to address a Protect-your-child conference or asking Elizabeth Taylor to address a townhall where she answers questions about how to make a marriage last forever or asking Lindsay Lohan to enlist seven steps on how to keep your shit together or getting Paris Hilton to write a whitepapper on the ways to prevent STDs.

This guy denies the holocaust. Something which is historical fact. Just because some people who wrote fake holocaust memoirs which Oprah selected for her book club doesn't change history. This guy held a hold conference in Iran to deny the holocaust. Even Hitler's like "Dude . . . that's a bit too much". He also said that Iran has no homosexuals. Yes, that's because in Iran homosexuality is punishable by a death sentence. In fact, the government of Iran is so scared of "the gay" that they issued a fatwa against Cher.

If Mr Nutjob thinks that he's doing Iran a favour by making it sound like the most racist place in the world (killer slogan to increase tourism, by the way), then I think he celebrated 4/20 a little too hard.

The G20 lowdown

Sadly, the last international cocktail party before money becomes obsolete and we are back to using the barter system, called the G20 has now come to an end. While all the spouses chatted about the latest episode of Gossip Girl, the heads of state got down to business. In the end, everyone was happy and they decided to do the whole thing again.

Meanwhile, continuing our quest to tell you things no one else does  we bring to you the winners, whiners and losers of the summit. 

As the white house spokesperson would have you believe, America is a winner. Because it got to show off it's shiny new President to the world. (Look, he speaks English. Not just Texas English, but English English. People were actually cheering him. When was the last time that happened?) Although America was eager to start telling everyone what they need to do, not everyone was ready to listen. Still, it got some of it's "edge" back.

The Obamas are the biggest winners of the summit. It was supposed to be the first coming out party for America's sweethearts. And everyone and their tart of an aunt were enamoured by them. Michelle got more buzz than a contestant on the British version of Big Brother. And in Britain, it doesn't get big than big brother.  Everyone wanted to be her BFF. Even the queen. And as expected, Barack got to play messiah. For real, this time. Although as far as gift giving is concerned, I think someone needs lessons from Oprah.

The Queen finally won something other than contempt and disgust from her subjects.It would have been considered a successful visit if Prince Philip didn't say something obscene and racist. As luck would have it, not only did he STFU, the queen showed some human emotion. Someone finally touched her and (a) She didn't burst into flames (b) It didn't secretly launch Nuclear weapons on all of Britain's enemies. Even Prince Charles was a happy camper because whenever he stood next to Barack Obama, his ears did not feel out of place.

Gordon Brown scored some runs too. Not only did some of the Obama magic rub of on him, Mr Brown was able to justify the $75 million he spent for organising the summit. When they came up with the final agreement, it didn't look like a complete waste of time like the UN always does. Although, there was this awkward moment when the Saudi king tried to buy his wife. Other than that, it was a good summit for Brownie.

Nicolas Sarkozy & Angela Merkel won a hypothetical tag team match against well, hypothetical opponents. To think, just a little more than six decades ago these two countries wanted to kill each other. And now, they joined together and took on the might of the "Anglo-Saxon's". (Their words, not mine). Finally, the French stood up for something other than cheese and wine. Also, until now, people just thought of him as a horny cradle rocker (not that there is anything wrong with that). Now, Sarkozy has put his name on the map for something other than doing Carla Bruni. The press conference Sarkozy & Merkel held before the summit was for the benefit of their collective domestic audiences and for driving their respective translators crazy. I mean have you tried translating German to French? It's like going from "Yippe-ki-yay, MotherF*cker" to "Hakuna Mattata". Angela Merkel simply won because no one tried to give her a backrub.

China was so eager to win, it had a child labourer make it a trophy. The West was trying to seduce China because it's the only country in the world whose got money right now. In fact, no one really wanted to piss China off so when they talked about tax havens, they tiptoed around Macau and Hong Kong. In fact, China is a lot like a new, shiny iPhone.  It might look nice from the outside and have lots of third-party applications, but what it really wants to do is take over the world. Hey, don't take my word for it.

Unlike the Georgian invasion, Russia didn't do that well. All it's new President had to do is look a little less evil ,despotic and psychotic than the others. Sadly, that was not to be.

Manmohan Singh's trip, as usual, was in the middle. He had a sort of blink-and-you-miss appearance. None of the Indian news channels were even covering his visit. except of course DD "news". Although, Mr Singh got what he came for. And he also got an Obama verbal fistbump. As for our first lady, Mrs Gursharan Kaur, she was overheard sharing with the French First Lady Carla Bruni her secret butter chicken recipe.

Europe seemed to come out of the dark shadows too. The Grand Old Continent, once home to the most greedy and laziest people in the world, had dropped off from everybody's radar. Everyone had sort off forgotten about Europe ever since India and China started making money. The only people who cared were those, young, pesky travellers who want to see the whole of Europe with $30 in their pocket and a huge-ass backpack on their backs which they carry around even when they go to drink a cup of coffee. Now, the G20 has put Europe back on the map. In fact, even Barack Obama has promised that America will start making out with all the European countries again. Except of course, the British. Because frankly, they need to start brushing their teeth first.

Finally, another unexpected winner was the crowd of protestors. Thanks to the G20 they had a very productive few days. Otherwise they would have been stuck home watching new episodes of Eastenders and drinking home-brewed beer Or even worse, they would have been sitting in front of their computer and writing a blog. Who knows what kind of crap they would have come up with!