If they IM'ed

The Big B and Shobha De have been feuding over De's comments about Ash.

So what would happen if they IM'ed to sort the whole thing out?

big_bee has logged on
diva_de has logged on

diva_de: Hey Amit .. what are you doing up so late? also lol@ ur im handle
big_bee: I'm updating my blog ...... and big_b was taken by some1 already *frowns*.....
diva_de: lmao!! Get a life ...
big_bee: Y u hatin on me in ur columns woman?
diva_de: u started it by callin me names in your blog
big_bee: no..... u started it by talkin badly bout ash in ur column
diva_de: who else do i talk bout? no body gives a rat's ass bout what Mallika is wearin...
diva_de: tey just care wen she ain't wearin neting
big_bee: haha!! true tat ..... *ahem*
big_bee: even then .... u shudn't be dissin my family .. i released ur book for cryin out loud ...
diva_de: see that's why!! if i criticize you, it lends me more credibility ...
diva_de: ..cause ppl think we're friends n all
diva_de: so more credibility = more sales
diva_de: more sales = more money .. and mama needs more money cause mama needs her vodka .. :P ...
diva_de: ..also i need to stay in the news ... the book hasn't been selling tat well :'(
big_bee: of course it wudn't ... it's utter crap
diva_de: yeah .. but ppl don't knw tat .. until they buy it ....
diva_de: and if chetan bhagat can become a best selling author .. than so can i
big_bee: i still think u could've picked on some1 else ...
diva_de: really? as a favour to you i spared ur wife ......
diva_de: ...even thou she was looking like a female leprechaun in that green dress
big_bee: i knw!! *rolls eyes* tat's the last time i let amar singh buy a dress for her ...
diva_de: lol!! y does amar singh go everywhere with you? how can u tolerate tat guy???
big_bee: i just can't get rid of the guy .....
big_bee: he must be sleeping rite now otherwise he wud've been even logged on to tis chat ....
diva_de: lol!! he's a bigger leach than me .... :P
diva_de: how come u suddenly started to make fun of everyone on ur blog?
big_bee: i've been watchin a lot of ally mcbeal and i've come to realize that i shudn't bottle up my emotions
diva_de: really??? how profound!! u watchin lotsa tv tese days? didja see srk's panchvi pass?
big_bee: no way...... jaya told me tat show has reached previously unsurpassed levels of crap ..
big_bee: .. she says it's even more suckier than RGV ki aag ...
big_bee: .. and jaya's the only one in the family who actually likes shahrukh .... lol
diva_de: i knw .... but it was funny the way u put up ppt slides on ur blog to prove tat the srk's show has tanked big time
big_bee: hehe .. i knw .. i wanted to really give it to that smug $#@!^%#^
diva_de: hehehe!! i knw .. he's so smug isn't he .... i hate him too ...
big_bee: really? what did he ever do to you?
diva_de: i asked him to release my book but he refused .....
big_bee: which book???
diva_de: the one you released .......
big_bee: WHAT??? I WAS UR SECOND CHOICE ???
diva_de: of course not ......
big_bee: whew!!
diva_de: u were my third choice ...... my second choice was shatrugan sinha ...
diva_de: i only came to you wen both of them turned the gig down .....
big_bee: @!^#$^@#&$#$@%&@

big_bee has logged off

diva_de: amit .......
diva_de: u tere .......?
diva_de: .. hmph ...

diva_de is searching google for "cheap+botox+clinic"

Unfunny

I saw this Dhoni advert on TV about wearing fashionable stuff. The advert was for Big Bazar. Brilliant concept. Because when I think of fashion, the first thing that pops into my mind is Big Bazar. Of course, off the rack discounted mass market clothes are so the epitome of fashion.

I happened to channel surf the other day and found this amazingly cheesy historical Soap Opera on NDTV. Not that I am a big fan or anything but it was less ancient city and more like a resort in Kerela. And can someone tell me why those guys talk like my old sanskrit textbook? Can't they just talk like normal people? Is it so hard to say "Dude, can ya like chill in the forest for a few years with your wife and your younger brother? And kill some really big-ass mustached people while you are at it??" I think one of those Gods in the forest should be given a camera or sumthing. They could do a documentary for National Geographic . And they could use the leftover footage for a video blog.

Trouble is brewing between the coalition partners in Pakistan. Nawaz's party has pulled out of the government. What in the blue hell? Didn't these guys just get together? And now they have started to see other people so soon? I guess they shouldn't have attended the Mayawati Devi Coalition School

The UPA government wants to put an Indian on the moon by 2020 ! Really? I got a better idea...... How about putting food in the mouth of people living under the poverty line first? Then we can think about opening up a Udipi restaurant on the moon.

The Benaras Hindu University is set to be converted into an IIT. Wow. Their first order of business? Commission a machine which can dispense upto a 100 glasses of bhang in 10 seconds.

Sharon Stone has suggested that the recent quake in China could have been caused by China's bad karma. In a related story, Karma blamed Sharon Stone's parents bad karma for having a child like Sharon Stone.

I think Sharon Stone needs to stop hanging out with Obama's pastor.

Our intelligence agencies have come up with a new technique to make the militants they capture spill the secrets. Apparently, the prisoners are shown endless reruns of the movie Tashan. Most talk after the first time.

Top Ten messages left on the Voicemail of ......... *Classified Information*

Top Ten messages left on the voice mail of [a Great Female National Leader who belongs to an even greater family of national importance] after the Karnataka elections

10. It's Rahul. Did I leave my copy of Guitar Hero at your place?
9. Halo?? Hellllooo? Are you there Madam??? *Beep* Voicemail hai kya?? This is Arjun Singh. We should have projected Rahul Baba as the chief ministerial candidate. Hello????
8. It's Deve Gowda. I just woke up. What happened?
7. Namaste, This is LK Advani. Thank you handing us 2009 on a silver platter. BJP Shining.
6. This is Vinod Mehta. Even I can't spin this shit into a personal victory for you.
5. Satsriakal Madam. Your everlasting humble servant begs you to please in your good grace ask Pranab Mukhrjee to stop calling me? He keeps giving me a missed call from different numbers and whenever I call back, he asks me to resign. A thousand apologies for the trouble. Thank you, your esteemed royal highness.
4. It's Hillary Clinton. Losing an election is no reason to give up running for that election. Fight on. Don't forget, you're in it to win it. Girl Power. Rah! Rah!! You go, girl.
3. It's Sitaram. Yechury, Not Kesri. *Sound of loud laughter followed by a prolonged bout of coughing*. I really need to stop doing that. *Ahem* We need to meet to chalk out a strategy to put the blame on someone. We can gather the coalition elders at my place. I'll send out for some Chinese ...
2. It's Star Plus. Do you want to host a reality show?
1. Helooooo. It's Najma Heputullah. Please hold the line while I sing.

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the leader is Sonia Gandhi .... Just a precaution .... You never know whose reading what ....

The Battle of the Blogs

Due to the extensive coverage provided to their blogs, both Aamir Khan and Amitabh Bachchan have lashed out at the media for misinterpreting and reading too much into what they write on their blogs. Aamir Khan said that "When I wrote about my dog Shahrukh, I was actually just talking about my dog. It is just a coincidence that the biggest movie star today shares his name with my pet. Shah Rukh and I are great friends and the media is wrong in saying that both of us are playing a game of oneupmanship". He added that "Right now, Shahrukh is licking his own balls. Of course, I mean the dog. Ha Ha". Meanwhile Amitabh Bachchan has said that when he pasted screen shots of the Power Point presentation comparing the rating of his show vis-a-vis Sharukh's show on his blog he did not intend any malice. "My intention was to ask the public the reason no one is watching Shahrukh's show even though it is top notch Why, even I might watch his show one of these days". He added that he hoped this cleared the air and that his genuine concern is not misinterpreted as gloating. He also said that the email he sent to Star executives which simple said "I told you so, suckers" was just a joke and should not be taken seriously.
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Disclaimer: The above news article is not true and is meant as a parody. It should not be taken seriously.

The Great Indian Culture Guidebook Part 1

Due to the influx of western influences like Rock Music and the Internet, Indian children have been losing their cultural identity. Before all hell breaks lose and chaos reigns supreme, we have compiled this guidebook to help you debauched youngsters regain your Indian-ness.
This guidebook has been sponsored by our Cultural Umbrella for National Togetherness Samellan.

Now, most of you might accuse us of Xenophobia, bigotry and racism, but we just wants our children to have an inherent Indianess.

(1) Sex

This seems to be everybody's favorite topic these days. This is nothing but a blatant proof of the western influence on our country. In our country sex simply does not exist. Children are born (a) When a husband looks lovingly into the eyes of his wife (b) When people take a vow at Vaishno Devi or at Chisti's tomb.

However, in the above attempts fail to grant a couple a male child, sex is not only allowed but is highly encouraged. In fact, it is mandatory at that instance.

It is also against to talk about sex. Teaching children about safe sex makes want to have sex. Therefore any talk about sex is a strict no-no.

(2) Breasts

Indian women are not supposed to talk about breasts. In fact there is not even a word in any Indian dialect for breasts. All culturally approved Indian women do not show their breasts. Not even to their husbands. Breasts are only to be used to feed milk to a male infant. A female infant can be given goat's milk or something. (We really don't give a damn about the female infant. Teehee.)

(3) Food

Firstly, culturally approved Indians do not eat anywhere except at home. In case one is forced to eat outside, only VHP sanctioned 'vashnavi' Dhabas are allowed. Some Udipi restaurants are okay too. However, having a burger at McDonalds or sipping a Latte is seriously unbecoming an Indian.

In fact, why have coffee when you can have boiled tea with Cow's milk?

Also eating non-vegetarian food on holy days is a big no-no. And beef cannot be eaten at all. IF you do eat non-veg on Tuesday and eat beef at all you must be Catholic. Or Muslim. Or *gasp* *gasp* Both.

(4) Holy Men

Holy men are the doyens of Indian culture. All holy men must be respected and worshiped like a God. In fact, in some cases holy men can outrule God. No biggie. And Holy men needn't practice what they preach.

Young nubile virgins should consider themselves blessed when Holy men choose to de-flower them. It's their fiduciary duty to present themselves to the service of holy men because Holy men work selflessly to guide us towards the correct path. Even though we can use Google maps to get a shorter path, only holy men can help us balance our Karma and attain Nirvana. Or at least help us lose weight. Whatever.


(5) Marriage \ Love

No Indian has the right to get married without the explicit permission of both set of parents and relatives. Any such marriage devoid even one of these permission slips is strictly null and void. Parents of such couples will never recognize their better half and can make their offspring feel as guilty as they want. They may also bar them from any inheritance. They may also keep asking thier children to get married completely ignoring the fact that their child has now started a family.

It is completely against Indian culture for anybody to fall in Love. Love is only allowed for one's parents, relatives and culture. All other love is illegal. Indian children cannot fall in love. Indian males can keep staring at women and might even be allowed to see them without their head scarf. However, Indian women are expected to keep their gaze on the floor at all times. This helps them identify which area of the floor is dirty so that they can make a mental note to clean it at a later time.

This rule can only be relaxed if an older over the hill rich man falls in love (or lusts whatever) after a 16 year old teenage girl. That's okay. However, young people with their overflowing hormones need to stop eying people of the opposite gender. Or the same gender for that matter. Hmph.

(6) Homosexuality

Homosexuality is sooo against Indian culture. Not because of any of that republican bullshit but because Indian men are supposed to bear children. That's their primary duty. Keep impregnating their wives. An Indian women is not complete until she becomes a mother. So if two guys get together to do the dirty-dirty where would children come from?

However, if a man has five children with a minimum of three being male, he can hump any other male he wants. And of course, holy men are allowed to have as much gay sex as they want. Also sevaks and workers of culturally I.S.I. approved political outfits who haven't seen a women in eight years are exempt too.

Women are not allowed to do each other. If Indian women start doing the one thing Indian men are capable of doing, howsoever badly, where do the men go?


(7) Women's Liberation

An Indian women is can only be liberated from her parents house by her husband. From her husband's house she can only be liberated after death. So basically, if Mimi was Indian, she would never have been emancipated. All money earned by a unmarried woman is property of her father and after marriage belongs to her husband or his family. What's next? Women having their separate bank accounts? Aiyiyiyiyiyiyi. What is the world coming to?

Shame on ..... who?

I read this news report that the Intelligence agencies had definitive reports a few months ago that there would be an attack on Jaipur and Hardwar. In fact Jaipur was identified as a "prime target".

On the basis of Jalaluddin's confessions, India's Intelligence Bureau did issue advice last year, listing a number of cities like Jaipur that it said were on the "hit list" of the jihadis.

Then for a few months nothing happened and the intelligence advisory was forgotten.

"That is how intelligence works in India. A general advisory on the basis of some confession or an agent report is usually forgotten when nothing happens for a while," says Bibhuti Bhusan Nandy, a former deputy chief of India's Research and Analysis Wing (Raw), that is responsible for external intelligence.

"The intelligence agencies rarely chase up leads to get more specific intelligence and when something like Jaipur happens, they refer to their old report to save their jobs."

I don't want to blame the government, the police, the intelligence agencies. These people have already gotten their share of the blame. They are doing either a lackadaisical job or no job at all. The reason they get away with this is because their supposed bosses, the people of India have come to accept this as a way of life. Rather than make an effort to try to take the government to task, all we do is say a few obligatory sentences like no one is doing their job and that the terrorists want to incite a religious riot or stupid stuff like that. Yes, the government is not doing it's job. It has not been doing so for the past 60 years. However, we have gotten so used to the government not doing their job that we have made our peace with it. We have forgotten our job which is to take the government to task.

Our job as Indian citizens is to ask the government what steps it is taking to prevent such incidents from happening in the future? We need our government to explain why there is a need to call a security expert from South Africa to protect the IPL teams in Jaipur? In a country of more than a billion people, it is shameful that we need nationals from other countries to protect our own people.

It is shameful that we won't even stop once to think that those innocent lives could have been saved. We won't stop to think that so many more innocent lives are going to be sacrificed again because people we vote for (or don't vote for), people whose salaries comes from the taxes we pay, are not doing anything about it.

It shames me that I was only able to know this fact because of Google and the BBC. It shames me that news media in my country is busy covering what Aamir Khan writes on his blog rather than bring such essential facts to the forefront. It shames me that most people in this country would never get to know a lot of things not because they are not interested but because they do not have access to education, electricity and the internet. Because someone has not been doing their job.

We can sit back and let the government keep blaming the proverbial foreign hand. Yes, gathering and disseminating intelligence is not our job. Yes, acting on that intelligence is not our job. However, making sure that people who are not doing their job are out of it is our job.

Yes, the system is hard to fight against. Yes, you can't take on city hall. Yes, everything is screwed up. However, people have just given up. Most people have been bought up to be slaves of the system. Children have to bribe their way to get a "quality" education (whose quality is always in doubt). Old, retired people have to pay hash money to get access to their own retirement fund. The tax payes who pay the actual tax are the ones who suffer the most.

But all we do is make some movies about it, take up one issue and then forget about everything and go back to our old ways.

Our politicians have brainwashed people in our country to concentrate on frivolous issues like caste, caste and people are ready to kill because of some stupid erotic paintings.

There is a reason that politicians don't pander to the so called urban citizens. Merely because the educated, informed masses do not go and vote. To say that there is no candidate is an easy way out. How many of us, including me actually have a voters id card? I for one, have never voted. So I share the blame too.

We need to make the government, the bureaucrats and the media to do their job. How? By simply doing ours.

That's all.

Page 26

It's official!! Finally .... everything in the world is good again. Brangelina are about to have their fifth and sixth child. Awwwww .... Boy!! Some people would do anything for those Stimulus checks.

They now have enough children to field their own little Brangelina basketball team.

Editors note: This new development raises a lot of questions. Do these people really need to keep on breeding? Don't we have enough Jolie-Pitts running around already? Are they going to give up the adopting gig to Maddona?

****
Have you heard? 90210 is baaaaaaaaaack. ohmygodshitfuckwhat? The producers have promised it to be an updated version. Yeah. For instance, it's not called Beverly Hills 90210 anymore. Nope. It's called Stupid crap you saw more than a decade ago 90210.

Editors note: The OC was canceled remember? And Gossip Girl sucks. 'Nuff said.

****

John Edwards has endorsed Barack O. Boy. This is a big one for Baraccky. Dozens of John's supporters are now Obama supporters. All Obama needs now is an endorsement from Dennis Kuchimich for the alien vote and he's a shoo-in

Editors note: Mr Edwards figures that now Barack is going to get the nomination and possibly become President, then he would be well placed in the future Obama administration. However, before he does that he must pay his allegiance to the power behind the throne: Oprah.

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Eliminated American Idol contestant Jason Castro has said that he does not smoke weed. It would have been more believable if he hadn't taught the reporter how to roll a joint after making this statement.

Of course, Jason does not smoke weed and I don't post stupid jokes on a blog for news items no one cares about.

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Indian culture news item of the day: Ultra thin is Un-Indian

Forget that it is unhealthy, don't aim for it because it is UnIndian. Really, professor. I didn't know that the level of my "Indian-ness" is determined by my waist size. Tch. Tch. I knew I should have gone to RSS school. Damn you "western" education.

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A new study has found out that the ageing process can hurt a person's capability to make decisions. Boy, the bad news for Arjun Singh just doesn't seem to stop.


[This never gets old. Never.]

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12 ways PM Manmohan Singh can increase his popularity

12. Order a CBI inquiry to find out how Shahrukh Khan can be at multiple locations at the same time
11. Ask Mukesh Ambani to use his kids weekly allowance to cover the national debt
10. Start speeches with "Dude, the other day I was so wasted ......"
9. Hire Ranbir Kapoor & Deepika Padukone as brand ambassadors
8. Table a bill in Parliament making it illegal for Himesh Rehshamiya to sing or make movies
7. Make Shilpa Shetty the Indian Ambassador to Britain
6. Commission a new show called "Are you a bigger sycophant than Arjun Singh?"
5. Along with LK Advani, star in Ram Gopal Verma's second remake of Sholay
4. Ask Jassi (Mona Singh) for an extreme makeover
3. Order a no-holds-barred match between Renuka Chowdhary and the great Khali
2. Gee ..wizz ... Grow a pair and sign the Nuclear Power deal
1. Resign