ZOMG, we're living in an Anurag Mathur novel!

So I go to sleep for almost a month to try and see what Rip Van Winkle was raving about and it seems that instead of waking up in the real world, I seem to have woken up in one of Anurag Mathur's satirical novels.

Let's look at the evidence:

Karan Johar had to apologize to Raj Thackray for essentially doing something which is guaranteed by the constitution. A little something called Right to Free Speech. So obviously in real life this would not have happened. In real life, the police would have stopped the rent-a-goons which disrupted the movie screenings. In real life, the Chief Minister of Maharashtra would not have gone on every news channel and said that Karan should have gone to the police. Because in real life, one doesn't need to ask the police to essentially do their duty. Because hasn't the Maharashtra government protected the North Indian taxi drivers and railway exam candidates from the MNS goons? And didn't they do a stellar job during 26/11? So this could never have happened in the real world.

Our minister of permanently getting his foot inside his mouth, Shashi Tharoor, got jealous because he had to give a speech on Gandhi Jayanti instead of sitting home and twatting on twitter. So he suggested that everyone should stop taking a day off on Gandhiji's birthday and instead should work like it's going out of fashion. Again, this would never happen in the real world because politicians should be the last people to give tips on "working hard". Because my grandmother does more work than these politicians and she's been dead for ten years. So this won't happen in the real world. Ever. And if it did, I would be giving Mr Tharoor the same advise I give my Aunt Nina when she wants to drunk-dial one of her ex-husbands. PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE AND STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE.

Then our fearless government appointed liaison of corporate affairs, a bobble-head named Salman Khursheed, decided to appoint himself the UPA government's "pay-czar" and 'warned' the companies against 'vulgar' salaries & perks. That could never happen in the real world. Because if anyone knows about vulgar salaries & perks, it's the politicians. In the real world, people who get taxpayer's to pay for their house, their cars, their household help, their phones, their travelling expenses, their toilet paper, their food, their viagra, their hernia operation, their re-election expenses, the upkeep of their mistresses's and her family, would not shoot their mouth and accuse others of unnecessary expenses. This would never happen in the real world because didn't we learn during one of those 'moral science' classes that we must practice what we preach?

Of course when one is writing a satirical novel about India, how can the symbol of our national apathy and ability to procrastinate endlessly, Air India, be left behind? Because in real life, if there was a scuffle between the airline staff in mid-air, there would have been hell to pay and heads would roll. But during this chapter in the book, nothing happened except a few really creepy news reports. Also, in real life, the government would never invest billions of rupees in a company which has already lost billions of rupees. In real life, any company with such a bad business model would have been shut down. Unless of course, if it was a Wall Street bank. Because Wall Street banks are too big to fail. Even in a fictional novel. In real life, we need to do to Air India what we do to poor, useless old people. Euthanize it.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that pseudo-sanctimony is very funny. A movie, titled Indian Summer, based on the book of the same name, uses the backdrop of our Independence struggle while also depicting the personal lives of some of our 'esteemed' leaders, has faced a lot of artificial roadblocks while it is still in the pre-production phase. Somehow our 'fictional' government feels that this is against our 'culture' and deeply censors the movie to the point that it completely deviates from reality. That's because the fictional government doesn't want to let out the secret that even the leaders of our freedom movement had sexual intercourse, because that would make them lesser human beings and prove that immaculate conception is really a myth. In real life, this would be really, really ridiculous and people would actually not stand for such nonsense.

One of the funniest things about our political culture is the large amounts of sycophancy that is in the DNA of our politicians. So therefore in a satirical novel, no one would raise an eyebrow when the incompetent head of the Commonwealth games organising committee would suggest that the commonwealth games can be salvaged only by Rahul Gandhi. It would never happen in real life because anyone with even half a brain would realize that it would be suicidal to add nepotism to a project which has already been clusterfucked beyond any recognition.

Lastly, have you ever thought how hilariously funny it would be if the CBI suddenly decided to close the bofors case-file just because it has been too long? How can this even happen in real life? Because doesn't conventional wisdom tell us that the long hands of the law catch up to us one time or another? Where are The Hardy Boys when you actually need them! It's also really funny that the character who plays 'Minister of Law' in the book says that they stopped pursuing a case because it would be really sad to 'celebrate' the case's golden jubilee? Ha, ha. That is simply too funny to be true. I think Roman Polanski would agree with me on this one.

 

Therefore, I think it would be best if I back to sleep and hopefully wake up in the real, saner world.

 

 

Karan Johar’s apology a publicity stunt: Ashok Chavan [Indian Express]
Why is Gandhi Jayanti a holiday? [Times Now]
Salman Khursheed warns firms on "vulgar" top pay [Reuters India]
Air India speaks on cabin scuffle [BBC News]
Air India Estimates 50 Billion Rupees Loss This Year [WSJ India]
From saint to statesman [Mint]
Rahul Gandhi can be leader of Commonwealth Games: Kalmadi [TOI]
We did not want to celebrate golden jubilee of Bofors case [TOI]

Let's solve all our problems by building a statue, like they did during ancient times

There is nothing surprising that the Govt of Maharashtra unveiled it's plans to build a monument worth Rs. 350 crores in "honour" of Shivaji. In India, you don't honour someone by trying to emulate the good works that those people did in their lifetime, rather you can only honour someone when you build an ostentatious statue in their probable likeness.

The statue is nothing but another step towards the black hole of identity politics. The foundation for identity politics in Maharashtra was laid by the Shiv Sena. The MNS simply snatched away the torch and took it to the next level. And now, it's simply like a game of poker. The Congress-NCP has upped the stakes. It's like their telling their opponents, I see your indigenous vada=pav stalls & your empty rhetoric and raise you a hundred million rupee Shivaji statue. Whose the real Manoos now, huh? Gappa Bas?

Since there is no reasonable explanation for the statue, the Congress-NCP government surrogates who are sent to defend such an expense will talk in cliches and say that only the  "elites" are against the Statue and anyone who is against building of the statue is against the Marathi people, and so on. And then if that doesn't work, they will send their violent-protestors-for-hire to intimidate and silence the critics.

Of course the money could be well spent in other areas. Like perhaps making a better life for all those slum kids who did not star in a Oscar winning movie by giving them access to quality education so that they don't spend their lives waiting for a their own great white hope. Or the  families of thousands of farmers who kill themselves because they don't have a good crop due to the fact that they can't irrigate their fields and can't pay back the large and unfair interest that the moneylenders impose on them.  Or developing a proper sewer system in Mumbai so that whenever it drizzles, the country's "financial capital" doesn't resemble Venice (Which by the way, is not something to brag about)! Or buying quality equipment for the people who are our first line of defence against a terrorist attack so that their courage is not betrayed by faulty equipment?

But hey, there's nothing a large statue will not solve, eh?

This is why we're screwed #8979089697525453654

Unfazed by the criticism over its statue-erecting spree, the Mayawati government of Uttar Pradesh has sought the assembly sanction for an additional Rs 556 crore for the projects, and in contrast sought just Rs 250 crore to deal with the prevailing drought in the state.

Over the years, Rs 5,000 crore have been allocated towards chief minister Mayawati's dream projects since the Bahujan Samaj Party (BSP) came to power in May 2007.
On Monday, she raised a fresh demand for Rs 556 crore in the Rs 7,559 crore supplementary budget tabled before the state assembly here. And a mere Rs 250 crores for fighting the prevailing drought.

Misplaced priorities is an understatement.

Ironically, the state has been after the central government for release of a special economic package to deal with the drought-hit districts that cover almost the entire state.

Irony doesn't even begin to describe this clusterfuck.

They were also critical of the chief minister's craving for new aircraft in her fleet. A special Rs 10 crore provision has been made to purchase a helicopter.

Capital idea, Madam CM. Capital idea.

Pretty soon she is going to hold a press conference and will announce that as far as she is concerned, all the parched children in her state can have Evian sparkling water.

And then she will turn into a bat and fly away.

Or we wish.

Okay, the last part will not happen. But this woman will not rest until every damn inch of land in the state of UP is covered with her statues.

And then she will go on to be Prime Minister.

Which will cause her to lather, rinse and repeat.

Gulp.

 

Where is Glen Beck when you really need him to scare people?

 

Mayawati seeks more money for statues [TOI]

Delhi's grandmother wants to spend the next five years writing thank you notes

So last year, the people of Delhi lost their mind and out of respect and deference to the elderly, gave Shiela Dikshit a third term so that she may complete her task of ruining Delhi.

While her finance minister presented his budget in the annual laughing club meet of the Delhi assembly, her government billed it as a "thanksgiving budget". Why did they do so? because they wanted to thank the people of Delhi for voting for the Congress twice in less than a year. I'm sure most Delhities will never forgive themselves. Although, it's not like they had a choice. It was either Grandma Dikshit or that guy who puts anyone he speaks to into a deep slumber for a hundred years.

So what great gifts did the government reward it's people with? Ten bucks and an e-card? More electricity? Better roads? Mandating that tofu be served along with the snake-infested mid-day meals in government schools?

No, actually.

They went about this in another direction.

Long, long ago, in 2005, when the earth wasn't dying so fast and Maddona had only one stolen kid from Africa, our diligent lawmakers gave themselves a gift of top of the line laptops and inkjet printers. Now, many of them were from the previous assembly and already had been allotted printers and laptops. But, somehow, most of them seemed to have "lost" or "misplaced" their computers and thus required a new one. Just like when you lose your car keys, you havta buy a new car! This whole exercise cost the taxpayer a measly sum of Rs. 51 Lakhs. Turns out, most of the MLA's didn't even know how to use their fancy computers. So let's fast forward to this year, when, to help all our MLA's find free porn sites which don't install too many spyware programs, the government of Delhi has given them an allowance of Rs. 7,500 to be paid monthly to a "data operator".

It's like Christmas in June for the citizens of Delhi.

Meanwhile, the government also promises to one day complete the Delhi State Cancer Institute which was supposed to be actually operational by 2006. Hey, at least they almost got it's website to work. The real thing will follow soon. Progress takes time, ya know.

Oh, and the government also wanted to open a super-hospital for liver treatment sometime in this decade. They even interviewed people for it last year. So what, eh? Cheer up. Most people with liver problems are alcoholics anyway. And they can follow former prime minister VP Singh's example and get treated on taxpayer's expense in London. You can make a vacation out of it. In the mornings they can dilate your liver and in the evenings you can have tea and scones with the Queen in the Buckingham Palace Gardens while the Duke and Prince Harry shout racist abuses at you.

Oh, and don't forget grandmother CM's crowning achievement. A BRT corridor which has actually caused more problems then it has attempted to fix. In fact, some say that it outlived it's usefulness even before it was built. However, as per grandma, that's just media generated talk. The Chief Minister even drove through the corridor during non-peak hours when there was mild traffic to prove that it works. Even if in reality it doesn't work anywhere in the world. If Sheila Dikshit says it does, than it does. She's very Chuck Norris about these things.

Even though this might seem like the government's flipping you the bird and pointing at you & laughing while simultaneously chanting "Gotcha for a third time, you stupid suckers!" over and over again, it's a show of appreciation.

As the great decider of democracy once said, ". . . fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again".

Railways Ministry bites the hand it was (not) supposed to feed

Elections have consequences. Sometimes, even for those who treat the country as their own private backyard.

It appears that when Mr Laloo Yadav was Railways Minister, there was some land allotted to two of his relatives. Afterwards, the land was acquired back by the government for construction of a railway station.

When any land is acquired by the government, the person who owns the land is supposed to receive a fair compensation in lieu of the attached property.

So basically, the government gave away the land. After a few months it realized that it was a dumb thing to do and it actually needs the land. So it did the brilliant thing and BOUGHT back the land. Of course, an alternate route was a strict no-no.

I'm sure Mr Yadav being the railways minister had nothing to do with this "transaction" at all. I'm sure that it is simply a coincidence. I'm sure that there was no conflict of interest at all.

It can happen to anybody, can't it? I mean don't you remember when you were young you gave away all your toys to a younger cousin of yours and then you realized that you might have also hidden your porn stash in there and so you run to his house to get it back but you find that the little asshole has already discovered it and now you need to pay him off so that he would stay mum about your errr, exotic interests?

Since a new station wagon now runs the Railways Ministry, the new District land acquisition officer has not only cancelled the allotment, but has also asked the relatives of Mr Yadav to return the money.

How do you think it makes Mr Yadav feel? Till a few months ago he had a cabinet berth, a ministry a lot of people crave for and he was regaling students from Ivy league schools with anecdotes about his pet cow(s). And now, no one voted for him, no one wants to give him a ministry anymore and they are even taking back taxpayer's money from his relatives which they will now probably spend to build some railway track in godforsaken West Bengal.

As they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall!

 

For more information, click here.

Karnataka to turn into Oprah and buy all it's elected officials shiny new cars!

Rejoice! The global economy may be down in the doldrums, and all the banks may be going bust, but in the land of the pub-atheists, the recession is already over.

Yay!!

As the Deccan Herald reports:

Having dumped his Toyota Innova, leader of the Opposition in the Legislative Council V S Ugrappa is now insisting the government provide him with the same car as the Council Chairman. But the Finance department has not wilted, having flatly refused to give in to the MLC’s demand which, if acceded to, could cost the exchequer – a whopping Rs 25 lakh.

How dare the government expect Mr Ugrappa to ride in a lowly Toyota Innova. How dare they?
Do they expect him to ride in just any car? Fat chance of that happening.

Three months back, the finance department approved the high-end Nissan X-Trail car which costs over Rs 25 lakh, for use by the Chairman, Veeranna Mattikatti. At the same time, the department approved the purchase of a Ford Endeavour, that costs around Rs 21 lakh, for Ugrappa’s use.

A ford?

Who do you think Mr Ugarapa is?

A farmer?

Ha!

He is the the leader of the opposition, bitches. If his party had won the elections, he could have almost become the leader of the house. Do you know how much power the leader of a legislative council wields?

No?

Well, me neither.

I'm pretty sure that even the members of the legislative council don't know what they are supposed to be doing. So they all just sit around and talk about cars and cricket.

However, for those haters who doubt Mr Ugarapa's intentions, please be assured that they are nothing less than noble.

When contacted, Ugrappa said he did not make any demand for a particular model of vehicle. “All I want is a diesel car which gives maximum mileage so that I can save on fuel. The Chairman told me that X-Trail Nissan is better and so I asked for it".

Yes. He wants to save the state some money by buying a car worth Rs. 25 Lakh. Isn't the logic obvious to you? Where is your common sense people? Where is it?

So what if the Top 10 Diesel cars in India are priced between 2.6 Lakhs - 14 Lakhs and the Nissan X-trail is very high maintenance. Good talent does not come cheap, baby.

I'm sure the farmers in Karnatake who are facing problems with their crops this year would be heartened to know that while they may be starving to death, their elected officials are riding in style.

Also, Mr Ugrappa is fulfilling his part of the bargain by raising issues relevant to the people.

Leader of the Opposition in the Legislative Council, V S Ugrappa, on Friday took the BJP government to task for showing scant regard to protocol and democratic traditions.

Speaking to reporters, Ugrappa said even though he had been the Leader of the Opposition for the last one year, the government had so far not allotted him a house. Moreover, he had been provided with an “old car.” “I have brought the matter to the notice of the chief minister. But so far, no action has been taken. I am of the firm belief that the government is showing disregard with a malafide intention,” he remarked.

Ugrappa also alleged that contrary to protocol, the government was deliberately avoiding carrying his name in the invitations of various official programmes. “For example in the invitations printed for the death anniversary programme of late Devaraj Urs, which falls on June 6, only the names of the CM and the chief secretary have been printed,” he noted.

Errr, okay. He is raising issues which are not relevant to anyone besides himself. Still. He's people too. Well, barely.

After all the Karnataka government is out to get him because:

The government has publicly said it would follow austere measures in the wake of global recession.

So how is the government fulfilling it's promise?

The chief minister is entitled to use a car worth Rs 21 lakh, while the Cabinet ministers are allowed to purchase vehicles that are half the price. Opposition leaders, who enjoy Cabinet rank, are allowed to replace their vehicles after they run 1 lakh kilometres. But the rules were recently relaxed in the case of Opposition leader in the Assembly, who was provided with a CRV Honda costing Rs 21 lakh. Chief Minister Yeddyurappa too uses the same model and his Cabinet colleagues are driven around in Toyota Innovas.

If this isn't proof of the government's commitment to austerity, I don't know what is.

As the fellow once said, if you wish to be a success in this world, promise everything and deliver nothing.

And as far as that goes, our governments are a BIG success.

No trains were harmed while writing this post . . .

. . . because that would be like destroying my own money. And I'd rather spend it on stocking up on alcohol to use on "dry" days. But that's another story.

[Image Via IEXP]

Some officer concerned with the profitability of the Railways asked a few trains not to stop everytime someone gets up to take a leak. This didn't go well with some people, and they did the obvious, normal, rational thing. They burnt down the f'king train. Because that's what you do in this country when you want to bully the government. Get together a few dozen people who like to destroy stuff to compensate for being emasculated by their wives , have some masala chai and then burn down something which the government paid for with taxpayer money. Some people might have a legitimate concern but going from Level 1 to Level lets-burn-the-fucker-down is just plain stupid. Or incredibly brilliant. Depends on whether you're reading Ayn Rand or Paulo Cohelo. 

I know laws don't matter a lot in Bihar but let's make a new one. Anyone who burns trains or destroys public property actually does not get their demands met. This is the easiest way for anyone to force the government to do anything. Oh, I'm sorry, We already have such a law. It's the government's responsibility to protect our national property. It's our taxes we which pay for this. Letting these people go scot free encourages everyone else to do that too. In fact, that's what LAWS are for. If we really had a government which put country before petty regional politics, they would have said NO. People can be heard out and if their concerns are legitimate, they can be addressed. But not this way. Alas, since our government thinks that the taxpayer's money is their dowry stash, they magnanimously "forgive" these people. And then they lean back in their taxpayer funded chair while staying in their taxpayer funded house while being cooled by their taxpayer funded air conditioner. Then they go on television and dismiss the concerns of the taxpaying public as "elitist" opinions.

Gee, what does one have to do to knock some sense into these people?

Burn a train or something?

_______________________

India is about to get it's first woman speaker. The soft-spoken and former daughter of deputy PM Jagjivan Ram. [Note: The post of deputy PM is not of much consequence. It does not come with any real powers and is basically used to assuage huge egos. It's just like the head of the UN.]

I'd like to know whose brilliant idea this was? Has anyone heard Meira Kumar speak? One has to put the volume on max just to see her lips move. This time if any members of the lok sabha are gathered at the well of the house, they won't be protesting, they would be trying to HEAR the speaker. Her appointment is going to be like a stimulus package for the hearing aid industry.

______________________

Now that a new era of governance is upon us, India re-learns the fact that the Pakistani establishment is not serious about combating terror.

Really? What tipped you off, genius? Is it the fact that they still consider the Taliban which is TAKING OVER their country a strategic asset? Or the fact that the United States had to literally bribe the Pakistani Army to take on insurgents in their OWN country and protect the very people they are supposed to serve?

No, seriously. I'm curious to know what would make you believe that the Pakistani establishment would put an end to it's only export.

______________________

Two people returning from a vacation from the US bought along with them shares of general motors, an unlicensed gun, umpteen boxes of Ferrero rocher to gift to their relatives at every occasion and the dreaded pig virus which might or might not kill us all. Sounds like a really fun trip.

______________________

Laloo continues to be rejected by the people of Bihar, the people in Tripura are sick of the left, and Karunanidhi is to celebrate his birthday along with all his hundred wives and five thousand children. I wonder how Karunanidhi's family ever organises a surprise party? Do they all get together in a large stadium or an empty planet or something?

Oh, and someone please send him a telegram!

How to spend tax payers money - Indian style

Watching the Democratic National Convention really left me dumbfounded. I mean these Americans are so smug thinking that they have everything figured out. I mean they talk about taxpayers money like they know how to use it. Ha!! They really don’t get it do they? So, I consider it my duty to let them and the world know how the central and state governments in India like to spend taxpayer money. To show the world why, to use the immortal words of a fellow patriotic Indian, We Numba One.

So world leaders pay attention. This is how it’s done.

Taxpayer money should be spent on the following:

1. To award real heroes
   
   We need to award and encourage the real heroes of the country. People who make us proud to be an Indian. No, I’m not talking about those soldiers at the border to have it so easy, with their cosy torn sleeping bags in one of the coldest regions of the world. No siree Bob. Not those men and woman who sacrifice their lives so that people in our country can safely live theirs. Nope. I’m talking about real heroes like Abhinav Bindra. A man who brought so much fame and fortune to India that some of it overflowed into Bangladesh. He won an Olympic Gold medal. He deserves all that taxpayer money we can give him. Doesn’t matter that the families of those soldiers who die at the hands of terrorists have nothing to eat. That’s okay. However, we will not rest until every sportsmen in the country who can afford to drive a Mercedes, is given all the taxpayer money we can spare. And we can spare a lot of money ya know. India is shining, bitch. So what if a few farmers kill themselves and war widows have to scrape to feed their families? Do you see a gold medal around their necks? No? I thought so. No one gets medals for trekking three miles for a vessel of water.
   
   
2. For honoring those who spent their life in service of their country
   
   Are you one of the country’s most famous soldiers? Are you the only Field Marshall this great land of ours has ever produced? Did you famously tell a Prime minister that you will not engineer a coup against her? If yes, then sorry. You don’t deserve a state funeral. Hell, you don’t even deserve to have the day of your funeral REMEMBERED by any government department at all. State funerals are for young, talented reality show stars. Those who do us proud by winning one of the thousands of talent shows on cable television. You’re just a decorated war hero. Walk it off, soldier.
   
   
3. On providing jobs for the needy
   
   Yes. Our government looks out for all those in need for a job. Not only do we provide them with jobs in government departments/companies, we also promote them out of turn over other losers. Needy people like MS Dhoni and the Great Khali. Even if they have not reported to work for more than 5 years. Or have never even seen their workplace. Equal pay for no work, remember? These people are guranteed employment under the constitution. Those millions of graduates that are added to the workforce every year can work in those damn call centers. Or go abroad. Who cares? Soak in the power of democracy people. Soak it in.
   
   
4. To provide healthcare for the elderly
   
   This is one of the most important traditions of our country. Taking care of our elders. Helping those who need healthcare for those who cannot afford it. For eg: A former prime minister who advocated hiring doctors not based on merit but their last name. All the medical bills that he incurs when he goes to visit doctors in the UK and the US are taken care of by Indian taxpayer money. Not those doctors he helped hire, but the ones who live thousands of miles away from his home. A lesser man would have budged under the weight of such irony. But not this patriarch. We should all applaud his dedication to the cause of social justice. Meanwhile there have been hospitals built for the elderly in rural areas. They just don't have any doctors or medicines or any medical equipment. So what? It's the thought that counts. Why bother about details?
   
   
5. On modern and progressive education
   
   Our state education department spent millions of rupees to come up with a sex education manual which does not mention the words “sex” and “intercourse”. That’s how it should be. If kids get to know about how babies are born, they would rush out of their classroom that instant and start bumping uglies (i.e. having sex, making love, whatever you westernized unpatriotic basteds call it). This promoted our culture of not acknowledging the mere facts of life. In India, there is NO s*x. Only Immaculate Conception takes place. Praise the lord. Sex is immoral. Like rock music and decaf coffee.
   
   
6. On promoting secular values
   
   The preamble of our constitution proclaims our great country to be secular and the state and religious values to be separate.However, who really believes all that crap. In our country, God is omnipresent. Especially wherever there is no water and electricity. For those people, God is all they got. SO why fight it? Why not appease every religion and make everybody feel insecure? Why not turn every election into an election about religion? Nothing can go wrong, right?? After all, hasn't our country been an example of communal harmony since the summer of 1947?