Give war a chance . . .

Indonesia declares War on "Hindu" Yoga


Following the lead of their wonderful and secular neighbours Malaysia, the clerics in Indonesia issued a fatwa against Yoga. Apparently, they took this decision after they saw Shilpa Shetty's latest Yoga DVD.


Sri Ram Sena declares War on Women

In a shocking and deplorable incident last week, on the eve of Republic Day, a large number of men who have nothing better to do in their life, except pick on people having fun, bullied and beat up four women in a Manglore city pub. The president of their cult later released a statement saying that "If people think that the Taliban are the only people who can use force to espouse sixth century values then they got another thing coming". Then he went back home to beat his wife for daring to lift her head while talking to him.


Rajathan CM declares War on Shopping

Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has come out strongly against the mall "culture" and said that hormonal young adults holding each other's hand while trying to buy a T-Shirt which says "Just Do It" is against Rajasthan's traditions. He added that he was all for upholding tradition. The tradition of underage girls getting married to men old enough to be their grandfather while their family goes into huge debt for her wedding dowry which they keep trying to pay for the rest of their life. Tradition which makes you warm and glowy inside.


..... And so does the Karnataka Chief Minister

The chief minister of Karnataka has promised the people in his state that he would not let "pub culture" grow. In a statement, he added that he and his party are in no way affiliated with the Sri Ram Sena, but would still like to "stop young people from drinking the alcohol and engaging in the sexual intercourse and having the inter-caste children".


NDTV declares War on Blogging

In what many hail as a win for free speech, poor & defenseless NDTV has forced a big mean blogger to withdraw and apologize for posting his opinion on his own blog. Sources who in no way are close to NDTV or any of it's affiliates told us that this is part of their plan to strike fear in the hearts of everyone who holds an opinion and wants to share it with a few dozen like minded people. Our sources also tell us about NDTV's plan to take over the world. We would have said more but our lips are sealed. By a court order.


MNS declares War on things of Pakistani origin

In an ultimate show of patriotism, the MNS made the owner of Karachi Sweet Shop change the name of his UnIndian and traitoresque shop to something more Indian. In fact, the owner of the shop even dared to complain to the Bombay police. Luckily, in the holy tradition of Indian democracy, the police "advised" the sweet shop owner to follow suit with the MNS diktat. This is another applause-worthy move by the MNS after banning books by Pakistani authors and sending self proclaimed comedians back to where they belong. No word yet on whether eating Lahori Meat is patriotic or not.

The real George Bush farewell speech

So, tomorrow, by this time, America will have a new President, our generation will have it's JFK (or Clinton?) and Iran will have a new picture to burn and direct it's anger at.

Finally, as the world breathes a sigh of relief, the Bush years come to an end.

So, as a special favor for our unflinching support, President Bush had his speechwriter, Forth grader Debra McBride from Crawford Texas send us the first draft of his farewell speech for us. As he loves to say, it seems that our childrens are really learning.

Fellow citizens: For eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your part time Decider and part time comedian president. The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence — specially for Iraq and Afghanistan. a time set apart. Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey that we have traveled together, and the future of our nation Which I tried my best to ruin.

Ten, Nine, Oh it's not a countdown?Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding mothers? cowboys? the village people??? let's keep it as a TBD, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people and not the wall street banks, Big oil companies, big tobacco and the Florida Supreme court. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land. This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife Michelle, and their two beautiful girls.

Tonight I am filled with gratitude — to Vice President Cheney Specially for not shooting me in the face and members of my administration most of whom are either dead or writing a book exposing my administration; to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life and who never used big words while talking to me; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna for not getting knocked up; to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime. And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me. I thank you for the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years mostly in the innocent people my administration has tortured.

As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nationexcept on Sundays when I received briefings from Jesus himself. Or some crazy pastor who hates the gays.. I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe even if I needed to invade every country with oil reserves.

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created so that "random" brown people can be felt up at airports all over the country. The military, the intelligence community I use the word intelligence loosely and the FBI have been transformed into drive in McDonalds. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements Al Jazeera, freeze their finances by making sure money doesn't have value anymore and we are back to using the barter system and break up their plots. And with strong allies at our side No one says kickass more than Algeria and Uganda, we have taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them except those who support them in Pakistan. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al-Qaida and stoned women in the streets to a nation where the Taliban throw acid on the faces of woman who try to go to school or to work and where Al-Qeada has grown stronger young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school. Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an subsidiary of Haliburton Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States a Friend who we would never invite over for Dinner. But a friend nonetheless.

There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions. But there can be little debate about the results Everyone except Sarah Palin agree that I fucked up majorlythese were. America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. This is a tribute to those who toil night and day to keep us safe — law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States Armed Forces except the Gay ones. The gay ones make us weak. Or at least that's what my pastor tells me.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems rich and poor. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideologyI'm looking at you , Rev Warren. The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God, and that liberty and justice light the path to peace also torturing innocent people. What? I'm just saying.

This is the belief that gave birth to our nation that and a need for a local Starbucks. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens Although we might have jumped the shark. When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror Unless they are forced by the US Supreme court. When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism. So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights and human dignity Once it woks in the rest of the world, we will try it in America. We're standing with dissidents and young democracies, providing AIDS medicine to dying patients which usually cost an arm and a liver — to bring dying patients back to life just like we bring back Dick Cheney everytime he has a heart attack, and sparing mothers and babies from malaria Was I the only one who saw Slumdog Millionare?. And this great republic born alone in liberty is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations except if they have oil. Then they belong to us. Tee hee.

For eight years, we've also strive to expand opportunity and hope here at home Specially if they are bankers. Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools they can now write their own name. I can't even do that!. The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith-based programs Just like I did. Although I find it easier to talk to God when I am high. Vulnerable human life is better protected specially since I took away Dick Cheney's gun. Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled. America's air and water and lands are measurably cleaner if by cleaner you mean full of dead bodies of people who dared to cross the mob. And the federal bench includes wise new members like my former nanny Justice Sam Alito and my former gardener Chief Justice John Roberts.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your president. There have been good days and tough days but most of them were bad days. But every day I have been inspired by the greatness of our country, and uplifted by the goodness of our people . I have been blessed to represent this nation we love The great state of Texas. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other — Chief Cheerleader - a title I earned in my college days citizen of the United States of America .

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time: Good night Please stop celebrating for at least a minute. May God bless this house and our next president Do you know he's black?. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. Thank you Colnel Sanders.

Gaza: It's deja vu all over again

The situation at Gaza has begun to worsen day by day. And since no one wants to give peace a chance, we at Overated Outcast gave various individuals and entities a chance to provide a solution to this huge humanitarian crisis.

The Hillary Clinton Solution: Israel and Palestine become the 51st and 52nd states of the United States of America. Then they award all their delgates to Hillary, who then goes to the supreme court to recall Obama and voila, say halo to Madam President Clinton.

The Sarah Palin solution (in her own words): Oh, gosh darnit you people. Say it isn't so. Now listen here. Y'all stop fighting and accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour. And everything will just be a-okay. You betcha!! Doggone it.

The Asif Ali Zardari solution: War? There is no war. It's just that a single poor Israeli solider was caught in the cross fire between two farmers who were cheating on each others goats. Nothing major. It's all good. The Hamas led Palestine government has nothing to do with it. It's just it's militant arm, a totally non-state actor, which is causing all the rukus. No war. Everything is fine. Couldn't be better.

The Nicolas Sarkozy solution: Why don't ze all of you get a haut wife like I did and have sex weed her ze whole day long?

The Satyam solution: Convince the Hamas leaders that due to the wonders of modern techlogy, you have been able to build more land beyond the gaza strip. And that you would hand it over to them for a token sum of $1 billion. Once you have all their money, leave immediately and let the Israelis handle all the questions.

The Afganistan solution: You know what will bring peace to gaza and the rest of the world? Our all new bitchin Nan. It's yummy stuffing consists of half of the choicest goat's balls and half of the head of an infidel. It's full of energy and will help you beat your wife the whole day long. Please note that we do weddings and Burqa parties. Contact your nearest Taliban office.

The Oprah solution: Less killing and more hugging people. And everybody gets their bombshelled house redone by Nate Berkus. And a free copy of the next fraud author we pick for the Oprah book club.

The Deve Gowda solution: Why don't we all retrace our steps back to our beds & hammocks and just take a nap? Anyone? No? Just hear me talk for a few minutes. You'll enter a self induced coma. Trust me.

The Dick Cheney solution: Hey, why are you girls fighting each other? You do know you got no oil, right?

The Guns N Roses solution: Dunno about that right now, but would come up with a solution within the next eighteen years. P.S. Need some cocaine, ASAP.

The Armageddon solution: Do whatever you're doing right now, and when you finally end up killing each other, Iran can use Gaza as a concert venue.

. . . And the stupid shall inherit the earth

Somethings make you wonder, why are we so stupid in our country most of the time? Why can't we be the funny and smart date for once?

Is it the food? Is it because a lot of people are vegetarian? Or it's the sex deprivation? Or like that alien video in a old movie, the stupidity travels from one person to another in the form of India TV?

What is it, exactly?

I read an article yesterday that Mr Mumbai himself, Sir Raj Thackrey, has issued a "fatwa" banning Pakistani books from bookstores in Bombay. And the books have been removed. Well, because mostly bookshop owners do not want to see all their nice, shiny new books torn and thrown on the ground. So they promise to bring the two books by Pakistani authors back sometime in the future.

Mind you, there is no official ban. That's because the Maharashtra government is busy trying to, well, errr, ummm, write scripts for Ram Gopal Varma movies?. Just like the UP government is busy building lots of statues and the Tamil Nadu government is busy trying to launch TV channels and the Bengal government is busy trying to fight an opposition who wants to teach old commies a thing or two about being a commie. The Delhi government is busy trying to figure out how it won the election and no one has told Vasundhra Raje that she ain't the Rajasthan Chief Minister anymore. Oh, and the Gujrat government is trying to get the last available spot on Roadies.

Do we really want to turn into that 70's country? Aren't we supposed to be the mature one? At least internationally. We all know the real truth (nudge nudge, wink wink). Aren't we the agony aunt all our neighbors come crying to when they are bullied in some international body or another? Although nobody really listens to us because they treat us like a step-grandmother, who although means well, is somehow always misunderstood.

Let's face it. We share our borders with mostly schizophrenic and dellusional countries. China may have the greatest economy in the world now, but write one blog post criticizing the government and they have you tortured, jailed and booked for life before you can even say Kung Pao Chicken. Nepal has more political parties than actual seats in it's parliament. Bangladesh keeps producing more and more underage Kolkatta sex workers and Sri Lanka just wants to get the overseas rights of all Rajni movies. Then there is Pakistan. Whose current state reminds me of the tagline of an old show Drew Carrey used to produce. Whose line is it anyway? - The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter.

Don't we get it? We are the only country keeping this place sane. Well, sort off. We are like the only member of a boyband who can actually sing. Or the playboy bunny who doesn't sleep with Hugh Hefner or like the Micheal Corleone character from The Godfather right before he kills Captain McCluskey and Virgil Sollozo.

I know mob lynching everything we don't like sounds super-duper fun, but let's leave the sixth century censorship to others.

Point is that if we turn psycotic and stupid too, where will really poor and cheap tourists from North America and Europe go for vacations and spritual blow jobs?

Thailand?

(p.s. In case you're wondering, I don't get paid to promote tourism in Thailand. Or anywhere else for that matter. I don't get paid at all. Period. I do all this for free. It's mostly a social service.)

Cheap Recession Vacations: Thailand

Let's face it. The economy is not that good as it used to be.

So, as always, we at Overated Outcast, continuing our endeavor of public service, have decided to help people who are low on cash but high on expectations help select a cheap but fun destination to go to during their measly two week vacations. Each edition will focus on a new country where you can go and spend your precious less-valuable-than-a-few-months-before rupee.

Today, our focus is on Thailand.



Thailand: Where the world goes to fcuk.

Every since the end of World War 2, whenever people have thought of having cheap, unemotional sex, the first thing that comes to their mind is Thailand. There is so much sex available in Thailand that they named their capital after male genitalia. Chauvinistic? Yes. But then Whores-R-Us does not sound as appealing.

Anyways, besides exporting a number of sexually transmitted diseases, the country is also famous for exporting deposed, rich ex-prime ministers who after losing their office buy an English football team which although belongs to Manchester, is dumbfuckingly not Manchester United. Really smart move there, sparky. That is why most people in your country hate you. That and the unending corruption.



Most evenings in Thailand are spent watching Muay Thai, which is the Thai name for a sport in which half-naked teenagers fight each other. In English, the sport is called Weird Asian Gay Foreplay.

Pictured Above: Weird way to determine who would be on Top

Although Thailand is a constitutional monarchy, it's people invent new and improved ways to throw out their government. When not having sex or servicing tourists looking for sex, people in Thailand like to spend their leisure time rewriting their constitution.

Pictured above: The Bill & Hillary Clinton of Thailand

In fact, as soon as a government is sworn in, the process of replacing it with another government begins. That is why there are more ex-prime ministers in Thailand's parliament than actual legislators.

Pictured above: A meeting of all of Thailand's former Prime Ministers

Thailand is also famous for making bootleg porn movies a.k.a. secretly hiding a movie camera in your hotel room and capturing you on film doing things that your favorite religious leader would frown upon.

So, as they say in Thailand, You cumming???

Ten Things that will not "change" India

10. Watching Suhel Seth getting angrier and angrier on national television. Is it just me or does anybody else think that this guy is gonna burst a vein or something one of these days? Can we please force him to take his heart medication every morning? Or get him laid? Any of the above, please?

9. Blaming wealthy people for being wealthy. I mean most of the wealthy are wealthy because of their talent and hard work. Agreed some of them are earn top rupee because of their name. But even then you need to have some kind of ingenuity. And oppressive, wealthy people are so 1980's bollywood movies. Unless the oppressive, wealthy people you talk about are politicians. That theory still holds a lot of water, unlike Arjun Singh's kidneys. Okay. I'll stop saying wealthy right about now.

8. Singing "Hum hongay kamyab". I mean, c'mon people. WTF is wrong with you? This is national security we're talking about here. Not a bloody walk-a-thon. There are lives at stake. Geez.

7. Taking advice from Simi "carpet bombing" Garewal. No offense lady, but can you please get back to making that white-themed show that no one watches? Thx. Bai.

p.s. Stop watching bootleg episodes of the Bill O' Reilly show. He's turning you into Ann Coulter, who by the way, just had her jaw wired shut. What an idea, sirjee.

6. Submitting charters to politicians who can't even read. Or worse, submitting a petition to the President. Cause the President is so powerful, innit?

5. Completely implausible and un-implementable out-of-the-box solutions. I've heard gems like make Ratan Tata the PM or not pay taxes at all or have a national draft\martial law. They won't work because (a) Ratan Tata is not going to touch that with a eighteen inch pole, (b) We don't live in Zimbabwe and (c) Let's not turn into Nazi Germany just yet.

4. Voting for the next Indian Idol. Hmmmm. I wonder what would happen if there was a way for the millions and millions of people who vote for mind numbingly boring reality shows had a way to participate in the electoral process. Makes you wonder, dunnit?

3. Sending bouquets of flowers with get-well-soon written on them to Zardari. Not done yet, but I'm sure someone out there has already thought of it. That's possibly the worst idea e-v-e-r. What? Doesn't putting hyphens in between the characters of different words get your point across faster? N-o-p-e? Dammit.

2. Jingoistic Nationalism. We need to stop shouting that we are the best place in the world while millions of children sleep with an empty stomach in our country. Now, since we can't get Angelina Jolie to adopt all of them, we need to actually stop with the delusional nationalism and do something about it. Jingoism not only make us insular to our problems *coughbushadministratoncough*, it makes it easy for the politicians to look away. Not to mention that it's a major pain in the ass. And now can we stop thinking about going to the moon, at least for a while? Look, Pink Floyd is really fun when you're high and all, but reality is a fucking buzz kill. If you still need convincing, then go watch Slumdog Millionaire. Or read The White Tiger. I really need to stop plugging stuff. The worst thing is that these cheap fucks don't even pay me.


1. Not voicing your opinion - For the first time in sixty one years, the spurned masses of this country (the multiple cellphone owning, shopping mall going, airplane ticket buying, plasma tv using, cappuccino drinking, yuppie) i.e. the erstwhile silent majority had a simultaneous realization. Somehow they remembered that "Oh, yeah, wait. It seems that we can question these chipmunks running the country and we can think about national issues even though most of the time we have an attention span of a jellyfish when national issues are involved. Holy crap. Also, where in God's name did I keep my car keys?". So don't stop talking. Cause if you do, not only you don't utilize your right of freedom of speech, blowhards like me have to have to go back to making jokes about the awesome dumbfuckness of Sarah Palin.

Okay. We'll still do that. But you know what I mean, right?

What year is it ... again?

It seems that it was quite naive of me to think that things have changed. That it's 2008.

Did I just wake up in 1991?

No?

But can you blame me for thinking that?

India is facing a big terrorist threat, and has a non-Gandhi Congress Prime Minister, Russia is acting like the bad guy from the original Die Hard, the ISI is aiding terrorists in killing civilians, there is a Bush in the whitehouse, a popular, charismatic Democratic President is about to take office, America is fighting a war in Iraq, the people of Afganistan are hell bent on killing each other and Guns 'N Roses have just released a new album.

It's like deja vu all over again.

I would have mentioned the British but no one really cares about them ever since they stopped making new episodes of Fawlty Towers.

Anyways, my point is that history is not something they made up for broadcasting on the discovery channel. History is something we can learn from, so that we don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

Like you go from relationship to relationship to realize that commitment is something that a couple of lesbians made up. Or that you never drink five glasses of long island ice tea on an empty stomach. As the man once said, mistakes you can learn from.

It's time our world leaders need to learn from the mistakes of the past. Stop repeating the same dumbass policies that led us to the current Snafu.

Like, the new President-Elect of the United States should stop acting all condescending towards the rest of the world. I mean, dude, we like you and all, but we're not Hillary Clinton. You can't tell us what to do anymore. Stop pretending that America is a superpower and all. I mean, c'mon dawg, you were photographed reading The Post-American World unlike your predecessor who was photographed reading The Adventures of the Famous Five. So, stop telling everybody how to run their country and please spend the next eight years trying to undo the mess that retard has left you. We know our shit. Also, while you are at it, please tell the American news media that they need to stop pretending that anybody really cares what they think about world affairs. I mean they aren't really fooling anybody outside North America. Not even the Eskimos in Iceland. And those freaks live in houses made of snow.

As for the Indian government, you need to wake up and smell the burning ammunition. Our international borders are much like a neighborhood in Kabul. The neighbors may pretend to like you and all, but what they really want to do is burn your house down and turn it into a goat-rearing farm. So stop wishing that everybody would just get along and start taking tough measures. Clearly we can do security. I mean have you ever tried to drive into the PM's house just for fun? Er... Scratch that. Have you ever tried to walk into 10 Janpath just to wave and say "Toodles, Mrs G"? They'll have you handcuffed , booked on charges of attempt to murder and jailed for 14 years before you can gesticulate and shout "Mamma Mia!!". So get cracking. See, the economy is bad these days and people don't have much to do except watch cricket matches and audition for reality shows. Since none of either is happening, you really want us to start questioning your every move? Look, do the right thing for once in your life and let the country go back to concentrating on the important stuff. Like Bollywood feuds and not talking about sex.

Now, for our favorite frienemy, Pakistan. Seriously, it's been sixty one years. get over it already. We've moved on. You move on too. Stop acting like a jilted ex-wife and start acting like an adult nation state. Although we got custody of the kids (Kashmir) you still managed to take one of them. So stop turning him into a medieval psychopath and brush up on your parent skills. I know that another reason for you to get angry is because your President drooled over Sarah Palin just like like Karan Johar drools over John Abhraham's butt. But that's not our fault. Blame the Republicans. They are responsible for much that is wrong with the world anyway. We're happy to let your young ones daydream about Aishwariya Rai. I mean, clearly, you have no national icons you can lust after. I mean it's hard to fancy a burqa, isn't it? And in today's world, you may never know who really is behind it. A beautiful nubile young woman who is as delicate as a white rose or a bearded freak intent on blowing up innocent people. It's a catch-22 situation for you, really.


As for Russia, you need to stop acting like a land craving despot. The last guy who decided to start a world war for a few miles of land. was compensating for having one ball. What are you compensating for? A small ...., uh-huh, never mind.

I would have said more but there are two men outside my window, wearing an earpiece and a black suit, smelling of vodka. I think I need to run. And what I really wanted to do was diss that new Guns 'N roses album.

Daymn.

That'll be one billion prozac tablets, please

Whoa!! Everybody's angry these days.

The people are angry at the politicians for being lackadaisical for the past sixty one years.

The politicians are angry at the media for finally having the balls to take on them and question their sense of self-entitlement.

The media is angry at the people for forcing them to finally do their job.

Shivraj Patil is angry because not only has he lost the only job he ever held, but more importantly his fashion sense has come under the scanner.

RR Patil is angry because for the first time ever, people actually paid attention to what he said.

Manmohan Singh is angry because now he has to do something else besides writing strongly worded letters to his ministers.

Chidambram is angry because now people expect him to do more than say "the percentile growth of each sector of the economy is more than the percentile growth seen in previous years" every other second.

LK Advani is angry because when he said that his party would adopt a bipartisan approach he implied that the BJP would act like two different political parties and he never implied that he would stop running down the government. Gee, who do you think he is? Buddha??

The President of India is angry because she hasn't heard from God in a while. None of her calls or emails have been returned.

Deve Gowda is angry because he can't sleep because of all this incessant noise.

Vilasrao Deshmukh is very, very angry, although his body language says he has upped his dose on the anti-depressants he "borrows" from his son Ritesh's medicine cabinet.

The Pakistani Government is angry because now the rest of the world will find out that the Pakistani Army lets the politicians play "government" on Sundays and other national holidays while the rest of the time they play the Yes, Prime Minister do-it-at-home board game.

Global netizens are so angry about terror engulfing the world that they have started two groups on facebook. That's right. You heard me. TWO groups. If that doesn't make those deranged trigger-happy jerkoffs wet their pants, I don't know what will.