The Indian media has to stop having an orgasm every time India wins a match. Listen, sparky. The match was in India. On a fucking Indian pitch. We were bound to win. You can shove your balls in the Aussies faces once you win a match outside of India. Even I know that. And I don't even watch cricket.
CNN has got to show something other than news about the presidential election. There are more than 180 other countries in the world, dawg. Or didja forget the "International" in "CNN International"? It's gotten so bad that Osama and his freaks could blow something up and still not make the headlines. In fact, they just bumped Nelson Madela for an exclusive with Barney the Coffee Guy.
China has to stop trying to poison the rest of the world. It seems that everything that comes from China has some sort of poison in it. Listen up people, if your milk carton is cheaper than the cost of chewing gum, then it's going to make your lungs explode, you cheap fuck.
The British government has to stop trying to suck up to India. Face it, you old fart. We're not going to bail you out of your financial crisis. We told you that this would happen when you made Shipla Shetty your yoga guru. Now remove your leg from behind your head and stop asking us for chump change.
Showing posts with label Elections 08. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elections 08. Show all posts
Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
America, stop showing your buttcrack and pull up your pants
Halo, America. Long time no see. I guess you and we (the rest of the world) aren't really getting along. We have tried. Believe us, we have. We gave that buffoon you call a President every chance to do the right thing. And as usual, he ended up with his head up his own arse.
Listen, big guy, you can't really wash your hands of your responsibility. You won the effing cold war, so by default, you are now supposed to be the one remaining superpower in the whole world. It's time you act like it and drop your whole schoolyard-bully shtick.
I understand power got to your head. Happens to the best of us. I bully my pets too. But you need to understand that you need to grow up a little. When you screw up, the rest of the world has to pay, like the old ancient Chinese proverb says, You broke it, we bought it. In other words, when you don't have a bowl of chicken soup, the world gets a cold.
It's time for you to be guided in the right direction. So clean your room, wear some clean underwear, have your glass of milk and vote an intelligent person into the office of the your President.
Choose Obama. He's smart, he's educated, he's articulate and he won't steal your wallet. Make a sensible decision for once in your lifetime. Remember all your great leaders. JFK. Bill Clinton. George Clooney. Do it for them. Just think how nice it would be to have a President who can pronounce the word nuclear Or knows how to eat a pretzel.
Let's face it, America. We are angry at you but we love you. Without you we would neither have anything good to watch on TV nor would we have any Internet Porn. Although the Germans make porn too but you can never understand whether they are saying "Daddy's little girl" or "Heil Hitler". Kind of confusing. Ruins the whole mood.
We can't bear to watch you continuing to dig yourself in a deep hole. You clearly require some sort of intervention. So let me put things in terms you can understand.
See, a Barack Obama administration will be like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It's going to start out good and although everyone will lose their way in the middle, it'll always end on a happy note. A John McCain administration will be like an episode of Sex & the City. You don't really know what to expect but you can be sure that someone is going to get screwed during the process.
Look, all we're saying is be sensible. If you elect another folksy dumb fuck for President, the rest of the world is going to break up with you. Fo shizzle.
You know, to show how much we care, we'll even sweeten the deal for ya. We promise, henceforth, not to call ya dumbass Americans anymore. At least for a while, anyway. Hell, we won't say anything even if we see one of those cowboy boots wearing Texans who think a framed cow's ass is a conversational piece. It'll be hard, but we're ready to make that sacrifice.
Just do a little something you've not done for a while.
THINK.
Listen, big guy, you can't really wash your hands of your responsibility. You won the effing cold war, so by default, you are now supposed to be the one remaining superpower in the whole world. It's time you act like it and drop your whole schoolyard-bully shtick.
I understand power got to your head. Happens to the best of us. I bully my pets too. But you need to understand that you need to grow up a little. When you screw up, the rest of the world has to pay, like the old ancient Chinese proverb says, You broke it, we bought it. In other words, when you don't have a bowl of chicken soup, the world gets a cold.
It's time for you to be guided in the right direction. So clean your room, wear some clean underwear, have your glass of milk and vote an intelligent person into the office of the your President.
Choose Obama. He's smart, he's educated, he's articulate and he won't steal your wallet. Make a sensible decision for once in your lifetime. Remember all your great leaders. JFK. Bill Clinton. George Clooney. Do it for them. Just think how nice it would be to have a President who can pronounce the word nuclear Or knows how to eat a pretzel.
Let's face it, America. We are angry at you but we love you. Without you we would neither have anything good to watch on TV nor would we have any Internet Porn. Although the Germans make porn too but you can never understand whether they are saying "Daddy's little girl" or "Heil Hitler". Kind of confusing. Ruins the whole mood.
We can't bear to watch you continuing to dig yourself in a deep hole. You clearly require some sort of intervention. So let me put things in terms you can understand.
See, a Barack Obama administration will be like an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It's going to start out good and although everyone will lose their way in the middle, it'll always end on a happy note. A John McCain administration will be like an episode of Sex & the City. You don't really know what to expect but you can be sure that someone is going to get screwed during the process.
Look, all we're saying is be sensible. If you elect another folksy dumb fuck for President, the rest of the world is going to break up with you. Fo shizzle.
You know, to show how much we care, we'll even sweeten the deal for ya. We promise, henceforth, not to call ya dumbass Americans anymore. At least for a while, anyway. Hell, we won't say anything even if we see one of those cowboy boots wearing Texans who think a framed cow's ass is a conversational piece. It'll be hard, but we're ready to make that sacrifice.
Just do a little something you've not done for a while.
THINK.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Stupid & Clueless: The Sarah Palin Story
Let's talk about foreign policy. So Gov. Palin, you have been quoted by various media sources saying that you have foreign policy experience because Alaska shares a border with Russia. That's a joke, right?
Err. Ummm. Okay then. It wasn't a joke. You really meant it. Hey you know what, using the same logic, let's say I just read a book. So that must mean that I am a world renowned author. Like Yay.
Okay, so this whole bailout thing. What the hell are they talking about?
Right. Thanks for clearing that up, Governor. Your clarity of thought is mesmerizing.
This explains why SNL sketch is so funny even though it used your ACTUAL quotes.
Okay. Maybe bringing in Grandpa would make things a little bit better.
Ummm ... Sadly, that makes things worse. McCain looks like his head was about to explode. But he also cracked a joke, right? I didn't get it. Maybe because I'm not a maverick.
Anyways, all I have to say, is that if this pair wins on Nov 4, my advice to all the people living in America would be: Run, Baby, Run.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
10 Signs Barack Obama is getting cocky
10. Canceled a week of campaigning to play Grand Theft Auto 4
9. Has given Oprah her 2 month notice
8. Hired Rob Lowe's former Nanny
7. Challenged Hillary to a Drink off contest for Oregon's delegates
6. Has formed a "Assisted living for John McCain" exploratory committee
5. Has bought Bear Sterns with his campaign fund money
4. Has agreed to star in new romantic comedy opening this summer "Forgetting Dubya"
3. Sent message to Florida and Michigan democrats saying "Shit Happens, Get over it"
2. Has asked George Stephonophilis to get ready for new assignment in Cuba
1. New Veep Candidate: Rev Wright
9. Has given Oprah her 2 month notice
8. Hired Rob Lowe's former Nanny
7. Challenged Hillary to a Drink off contest for Oregon's delegates
6. Has formed a "Assisted living for John McCain" exploratory committee
5. Has bought Bear Sterns with his campaign fund money
4. Has agreed to star in new romantic comedy opening this summer "Forgetting Dubya"
3. Sent message to Florida and Michigan democrats saying "Shit Happens, Get over it"
2. Has asked George Stephonophilis to get ready for new assignment in Cuba
1. New Veep Candidate: Rev Wright
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Un-Funny
The Indian space agency plans to send a man into space in another decade. The name of the rocket is A 100 Years Too Late.
The mission will carry astronauts, scientists and a tea stall owner.
There is a new add for some shampoo which shows Kareena Kapoor seducing a guy by showing her scalp.
Isn't that what all guys look for in a woman? A good, healthy scalp?
Miley Cyrus apologized for her sexy pictures which are circulating on the Internet.
Wow!! She did that even without any protests from the Shiv Sena.
Why does anyone have to apologize for being sexy? I never apologize for my rugged handsomeness and better-than-a-movie-star looks.
****
After her recent wins, Hillary Clinton has said that this contest might go to the convention.
Does anyone else find it strange that America will select a new American Idol before the democrats select their presidential nominee?
****
Mallaya's IPL team is doing so bad that they can't even score with their own cheerleaders.
They have lost 6 matches in a row, or as Hillary Clinton calls it, First place.
Mallaya is so desperate for a win that he hired Harabhajan Singh as a motivational coach for his team.
In fact their new team slogan is : Fuck!! We lost again!!
The team is such a big flop, Yash Raj Films and Ram Gopal Verma are now in a bidding war for the rights to make a movie about team.
****
The mission will carry astronauts, scientists and a tea stall owner.
There is a new add for some shampoo which shows Kareena Kapoor seducing a guy by showing her scalp.
Isn't that what all guys look for in a woman? A good, healthy scalp?
Miley Cyrus apologized for her sexy pictures which are circulating on the Internet.
Wow!! She did that even without any protests from the Shiv Sena.
Why does anyone have to apologize for being sexy? I never apologize for my rugged handsomeness and better-than-a-movie-star looks.
****
After her recent wins, Hillary Clinton has said that this contest might go to the convention.
Does anyone else find it strange that America will select a new American Idol before the democrats select their presidential nominee?
****
Mallaya's IPL team is doing so bad that they can't even score with their own cheerleaders.
They have lost 6 matches in a row, or as Hillary Clinton calls it, First place.
Mallaya is so desperate for a win that he hired Harabhajan Singh as a motivational coach for his team.
In fact their new team slogan is : Fuck!! We lost again!!
The team is such a big flop, Yash Raj Films and Ram Gopal Verma are now in a bidding war for the rights to make a movie about team.
****
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Reflection on Life
Sometimes, life can seem pointless like a John McCain presidential run, or appear empty like a Ralph Nader rally.
Sometimes, life can be as sinister as Dick Cheney and hand you a lot of lemons like the George Bush presidency.
Sometimes the superdelegates of your life can make decisions that are not what you really wanted.
Sometimes tough decisions in life make you faint like you were at an Obama rally. But through all the smoke, fire and brimstone, we need to learn to rise like Hillary just when everyone counts you out.
Sometimes life can take you away from reality just like Mike Hukabee.
We can sometimes fail miserably in life just like the Rudy Guliani campaign, we must not forget that sometimes life lends us a hand like Jeb Bush in 2000 and we can still manage to come out of a pile of shit smelling like roses, ala Al Gore.
Whatever turn life takes, we can stop the fat lady of life singing for us by cockblocking her like Bill Clinton.
We should never forget that sometimes, we need to put the greater good over personal ambition like Mitt Romney.
Even though life can be confusing like a Fred Thomson speech, and you can do all the good you want, the fact remains that people will only remember you for all your ridiculousness like a $400 haircut.
Lastly, we should not lose heart and remember the fact that if Dennis Kucinich can find someone, so can we.
Sometimes, life can be as sinister as Dick Cheney and hand you a lot of lemons like the George Bush presidency.
Sometimes the superdelegates of your life can make decisions that are not what you really wanted.
Sometimes tough decisions in life make you faint like you were at an Obama rally. But through all the smoke, fire and brimstone, we need to learn to rise like Hillary just when everyone counts you out.
Sometimes life can take you away from reality just like Mike Hukabee.
We can sometimes fail miserably in life just like the Rudy Guliani campaign, we must not forget that sometimes life lends us a hand like Jeb Bush in 2000 and we can still manage to come out of a pile of shit smelling like roses, ala Al Gore.
Whatever turn life takes, we can stop the fat lady of life singing for us by cockblocking her like Bill Clinton.
We should never forget that sometimes, we need to put the greater good over personal ambition like Mitt Romney.
Even though life can be confusing like a Fred Thomson speech, and you can do all the good you want, the fact remains that people will only remember you for all your ridiculousness like a $400 haircut.
Lastly, we should not lose heart and remember the fact that if Dennis Kucinich can find someone, so can we.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Random Elections 2008 jokes
It's such a wide variety of choice American voters have this election, a rich white guy, a woman married to a rich white guy and an African-American who is an honorary Rich White guy .........
Well one thing is for sure, a democrat is going to end up in the white house .... the only hope for republicans is well... Ralph Nader .......
For the first time ever, there will be two democrats in the race ........... So Ralph Nader actually has a chance to win ..... Cause one thing we know democrats can do and do well is ...Screw things up ....
If the Democratic Caccus cannot decide between Obama/Clinton .. they might just hand over the nomination to John McCain ....
McCain has proved his democratic credentials ...... I mean he has denied having an affair .... U can't get more democratic than that ......
It would've helped McCain solidify his Republican base if the lobbyist was a guy ..... that would at least put the catholic vote in his pocket ......or his back pocket ..whatever ....
I think what McCain needs right now is an endorsement from Micheal Jackson ...... it'll help him reach out to a younger demographic .......
And I'm not saying that McCain is old but he did meet Jesus .....
So there was an earthquake in Guiliani's campaign headquarters in Florida, last month, and according to our reporter it was 9.11 on the Richter scale .....
So Hukabee's going to open a new fast food chain after the elections ... It's gonna be called Kentucky Fried Squirrel ...... Hee Haw
So Huckabee fried some squirrels in college ...When John McCain was asked to comment about it he said that "Big Deal ....... I was there when they invented fire ....And that was the greatest thing before sliced bread..."
So Obama is going great guns ..... He even withstood a John Kerry endorsement .... It seems the only thing that can sink him now is a Bill Clinton endorsement
But don't count Hillary out, there's going to be no fat lady singing for her... no siree Bob,
Bill will be screwing the fat lady long before she gets to sing a single note .......
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