The death of romance on Indian television

 

The other day I was aimlessly teevee surfing, trying to watch something watchable on Indian teevee (yeah. my bad!), which I tend to do from time to time, being the eternal optimist I am. I didn't succeed in that, as usual, but I did realize something which gave me the sads.

A sort of epiphany, if I may say so.

They finally killed romance at it's last remaining place of residence.

Television.

During the early 90's, when everyone was still innocent (because the internet was not that widespread and the only way to learn about sex was to read one of the 200 printed copies of  a Shobha De book) and the only supercouple on teevee was Ram & Sita (they were like Bella & Edward from Twilight, except with less brooding and no sex), the leading protagonist from the epic Ramayana (it was just like Avatar, except instead of an American company, the good guys were fighting a really smart evil king. And the leader of the good guys was an actual real life AVATAR! In fact, he was probably the first Avatar ever!!).

So this ancient supercouple were the ideal representation of love on the small screen.  However, their love took an ugly turn (which was very Alec Baldwin/Kim Bassinger-esque) and Sita ended up visiting her aunt in the earth's core, forever. (That's how the used to break up in ancient times. None of the modern 'I hope we can be friends' crap. Once you were done, boy, were you fucking done!).

Apparently, melodrama was all the rage back then!

The next supercouple which caught the nation's eye was from a cartoon show. Even though the show was for little children, it caught the adults fancy. That was because it contained the cutest couple on Indian television ever, Bagheera & Baloo.

Yes, that's right.

Though they weren't a conventional couple, and their love was the love that dare not speak it's name, (homophobia was all the rage back then) those of us in the know nodded our head and played along.

On Sunday morning, whenever that really irritating song came on, the whole family sat together and saw Bagheera and Baloo bring up their adopted retarded human child, whose name was Mowgli. In fact, if it wasn’t for them, Mowgli would have grown up to be an animal!

They bickered, fought over all the little things like household expenditures and in-laws, however, just like every other teevee couple, they made up.

Awww, love, thy name is Bagheera & Baloo!

Then, in the aughts, came the supercouple to beat all the other supercouples.

The greatest one of them all.

Mihir and Tulsi.

Indian teevee’s Bragelina!

They had 1,000,0000,00000,0000000,0000000,000000 kids, of both the legitimate and the illegitimate variety, magically born without them ever “bumping uglies”. They stayed together through so many ups and downs, aided in their adventures by one lonely woman who was probably as old as the earth itself.

Both Mihir & Tulsi loved each other so much that they came back from the dead, a couple of times, just to be with each other again. In fact, both of them voluntarily kept changing their appearance so as to keep the romance alive!. Say what you will about them but, boy, that's called commitment.

Now, even thought those two are not on teevee anymore, sometimes, when the night sky is clear, one can see them floating in space, along with their favourite old woman, because their saga is endless, just like a Manmohan Singh speech .

That was the past.

And this is the present.

'I just want to grab once' is the new 'Honey, your eyes are so beautiful'

Just like everything else, the most unreal thing on the teevee, "Reality Television", has ruined romance!

All everyone wants to do in these shows is fuck each other & get famous! Nobody wants to do the hard work of developing an actual talent. Even if they want to sleep their way to the top, they should do it discreetly, like in they used to do in olden times!

I don't know about you, but I'd rather believe that some woman lived for a thousand years rather than some misogynist who looks like Himesh Reyshamia and Shakti Kapoor had a love-child will get two, intelligent woman to get "intimate" with him. Although, girlfriend, if you end up with that guy, you’re really not that intelligent!

There was a time when people actually cared for the pretention of romance. In fact, some families were so modern that they let both their children speak to each other before they arranged their marriage!

And from that we went to this?

What has the world come to? A person can't even cheat on his significant other. Isn't that what they are there for? Why can't they find out about each other’s ventures outside their relationship in twenty years, when the illegitimate child comes to take his share of the money, like other normal people?

This began when all of us started watching Ally McBeal and took relationship advise from the cast of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.! 

We took something so beautiful like forcibly living together with each other even though the love died long ago and all you’re doing now is keeping up appearances and we turned it into something so ugly! 

This is going to be our generation’s teevee legacy. A bunch of illiterate people shouting the f-word at each other, completely out of context.

We helped kill something which gave hope to millions of suppressed kids that maybe one day they might actually have a chance to be happy before they grew up and their cynicism took over.

For that, we need to hang our heads in shame.

Just like the old guy wearing a wig young woman in the scene below.

If only Julia Roberts could fight terrorism, we would be okay

The opening paragraph of this 'report' is the most awesome description of why things in our country are so fucked up. [Rediff Movies]

Pakistan puts Hafiz Saeed 'in custody'. They will let us know what that means once they figure it out themselves. Meanwhile, intelligence sources told us that Saeed is still allowed to order his favourite biryani pizza from Dominos, everyday. So much for austerity. [HT]

After successfully ruining some dude's life by getting him to impregnate Rakhi Sawant with an alien child, the producers of NDTV Un-Imagine have decided to find a child bride for famewhore Rahul Mahajan. Mahajan's ideal partner should have long hair, believe in traditional values, be able to change adult diapers and have both male and female reproductive organs. [NDTV Movies]

Sonia Gandhi asks Shashi Tharoor to write "I will not twitter during class" a hundred times, using a Mont Blanc ink pen. This will also go into Tharoor's permanent record and might hinder his getting admission into a good college. [The Hindu]

Sarah Palin will address fund managers in Hong Kong because those douchebags have too much money and they thought that instead of a real person they would just hire a hockey mom who winks a lot. After she gives her 'speech', she will give each attendee a free copy of the      straight-to-dvd movie Knocked Up: The Bristol Palin story. Then, she will go sightseeing to the 'Americatown' part of Hong Kong. [Bloomberg]

The Union Home Minister says that Delhiites need to change their behavioural pattern and need to learn to respect the rules. Phooey! That's such false propaganda. Delhiites respect the law, we just tend not to follow it on rare occasions. Like I jumped only two red lights today. Okay, it was five. But I had a good reason for it. I was late for happy hour. Fine, whatever. By the way, someone needs to tell the minister that the biggest lawbreakers in Delhi are those guys he sits with in that Lok Sabha thing where he and his peers do that thing they do. As I said, whatever.[TOI]

Rajya Sabha MPs don't want the kids to learn how to use their unmentionables

Sometime this week, there was a huge uproar in the Rajya Sabha over the contents of a reality show. A lot of MPs got up and spoke out against how due to some godforsaken show on teevee, all the kids will run out of their classrooms straight into some seedy motels and start having unprotected sex after which they would have a pill to ensure that they don't get pregnant. After they have satisfied their carnal needs, they will overdose on combiflam and kill themselves. What's worse, they would be doing this while still wearing their school uniforms. And somehow, we would lose our 5,00,00,000,000 year old culture.

Right. I don't see the connection either. But that's what some Rajya Sabha MPs will have you believe.

The news of the "outrage" expressed by the MPs made people sit up, take serious note and ask each other, What in the blue hell is the Rajya Sabha?

Then everybody used the interwebs, checked their children's civics books and asked the old civil servant who they say "hi" to everytime when they go for a walk every morning and found out that the there is another house of parliament, which although is known as the upper house, has almost as much power as the an "actor" in an Ekta Kapoor serial. And whose members are hilariously referred to as the "elders". 

Afterwards, as usual, the government, which is such a wuss, caved in.

Hours after the furore in Rajya Sabha over the reality show 'Sach Ka Samana' broadcast by Star Plus, government on Wednesday issued a show cause notice to the TV channel. The Information and Broadcasting Ministry, which issued the notice, has sought a reply from the channel by July 27.

Dude, who takes the Rajya Sabha seriously? Not even the Rajya Sabha MPs give a rat's ass about what they say. Why do you bother? Just do what you do in every other case. Pretend that nothing happened and show some new shiny object to distract the media. It's all about keeping it simple and talking to the people as if they are in fifth grade.

BJP and SP MPs demanded the government to ban the show on Wednesday. The parliamentarians claimed that the reality game show is broadcasting vulgar values and it is a threat to Indian values and morality.

Yes. BAN Everything. That's the best solution.

Uneducated people more than educated ones? BAN education. Starving villages? BAN food.

Global warming? BAN the fucking globe.

There are farmers killing themselves because even after 62 years, our national irrigation policy consists of hiring a few contestants from Indian Idol and making them go to the drought affected areas and sing that oh-rain-god-can-ya-bless-us-with-some-damn-rain song from Lagaan. There are naxalites threatening our national "leaders". Oh, and there might be a global pandemic which might kill everyone but you because a swine can't really be infected by swine flu. But that's okay. However, some dipshit on teevee telling everyone that she has been ridden on more than the Delhi Metro, that outrages you.

Just like the constitution intended.

However, these are not the only people with too much time on their hands.

The Delhi High Court will decide whether 'Sach Ka Samna', a game show where contestants are asked a series of prying questions, is "obscene and against Indian culture and ethos" as contended by a Delhi-resident. One D***** M**** has approached the court alleging that the show telecast on entertainment channel Star Plus is against the values of Indian society.

Dear Outraged Phonies who seek publicity,

Your TV remote has a magic button, which when pressed will make all the slutty men & women go away. 

So please USE it.

Then, do the intelligent thing and Shut the fuck up! ALSO!

KThxBai.

 

 

TV channel gets notice over 'Sach Ka Samna' [TOI]
'Sach Ka Samna' TV show challenged in HC [PTI]

Indian Government thinks that babies are delivered by storks and Dr Hymen visits Madhya Pradesh

Our national government is hard at work these days. Since taking charge a little over a month ago, our government has been busy protecting the citizens of this country.

For example, after spending thousands and thousands of hours of  manpower reviewing the evidence, your pro-people government has decided to go ahead and ban the Indian cartoon porn site, Savita Bhabi.

For those in the corridors of power, however, Savita’s promiscuity was no laughing matter. Last month the Government ordered internet service providers to block the site. To do so it evoked section 67 of the Information Technology Act. The law allows the Government to ban websites that threaten “the sovereignty or integrity of India, defence and security of the state” or that endanger “friendly relations with foreign states”.

In other words, the government thinks a cartoon porn site is a threat to our national security. Gee, I wonder who the cartoon really is.

Now, admittedly, I don't care for the existence of that site. Not because I am not cheap and trashy, but because cartoon porn does not interest me. Therefore I am not one of the "60 million sexually repressed" Indians who visit the website every month for their sexual catharsis.

What I want to know is why is the government policing the internet? The government is not supposed to "parent" the country.

No. That's the job for the anchors at Times Now.

Isn't it great that the people in our government have finally figured out this internet thing everyone keeps talking about? And now that they have banned the ungodly Savita Bhabi website, which obviously has NO way of being accessed through an alternate source, this will finally put an end to pornography on the internet.

Jai Ho, indeed.

_______________

Have you been looking around and realizing that the number of people around you is growing at an exponentially large rate? Have you ever wondered if the government is going to take a few steps to curb the population growth? Well, don't fear, cause Ghulam Nabi Azad is here:

Marry late and have children even later, is Union Health Minister Ghulam Nabi Azad’s mantra to control population.

Azad was speaking at a function to commemorate ‘World Population Day’, the day India’s population crossed 1.17 billion.

Couples from backward areas, who had opted to marry after turning 18, were awarded by the health ministry at the function

 

After reading the above extract, my mind fills with a million questions. First of them is, Why the fuck are we commemorating "World Population Day"? Is the human race on the brink of extinction? Do we not have enough people in this country?

In a country's history, a time comes when the the whole nation and it's people need to sit back for a moment and reflect. Such a time has come for our country. When we can have more than a thousand people who are ready to enter married "bliss" with Rakhi Savant, it should give everyone a little pause. What happened? What really went wrong? What caused such a tragic turn of events? Why do people have such low self-esteem? Where are we heading as a nation? My point is, don't we have enough people already? Why do we need to COMMEMORATE one of our nation's biggest failures? What's next? The child-marriage weekend extravaganza? A new reality show called I'm a farmer, get me out of here which documents the plights of poor farmers who end up killing themselves? Why not have a bi-annual weekly festival commemorating corrupt politicians?

Another question I have is about the brilliant suggestion given by the health minister. Asking people to get married at thirty. It's a WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL idea in a country which is OBSESSED with marriage. I'm sure hearing the honourable minister make such a dispassionate appeal about getting married at thirty will change the minds of millions of people who get their pre-pubescent teenage children married to someone else's pre-pubescent teenage children.

Okay, do you have any other ideas, Mr Minister, which will help to slow down the population explosion?

Ghulam Nabi Azad, the Health and Family Welfare Minister, has called for the country to redouble its efforts to bring electricity to all of its huge rural population.

The introduction of the electric light and television sets to those vast areas that still did not have them would discourage procreation, he argued.

“If there is electricity in every village, then people will watch TV till late at night and then fall asleep. They won’t get a chance to produce children,” Mr Azad said. “When there is no electricity there is nothing else to do but produce babies.”

 

Is it written in the constitution that the country's health minister has to be a DERANGED and DELLUSIONAL individual? Why are our health ministers mentally so UNHEALTHY?

_________________

However, the MP government is spending taxpayer's money to literally fell up it's constituents. No, kidding.

All 151 girls who participated in a mass wedding conducted by the Madhya Pradesh government on June 26 were forced to undergo virginity tests before doing so.

The mass wedding in Shahdol, 600 km east of Bhopal, was part of a welfare measure, the Mukhyamantri Kanyadaan Yojna (Chief Minister’s ‘giving away the bride’ programme) begun by the state in April 2006. Under it, single adult women from poor families – be they unmarried, widowed, divorced or abandoned – who have found themselves prospective spouses but cannot afford the wedding expenses, are married off in groups and paid a fixed sum of Rs 6500 as well.

 

Why is the government of Madhya Pradesh giving away brides? Did the people elect the owner of Shaddi.com as their chief minister? What exactly happened there? Who comes up with such ideas?

There is more:

“At first I refused to go through the test,” said a Baiga tribal girl, who was among the brides at Shahdol, but who does not want to be identified. “But an officer told me I would not be allowed inside the marriage hall unless the gynaecologist declared me eligible. And the only way I could be eligible was by going through the test.”

“The gynecologist [sic] manually examined,” she added.

I think the reporter writing this news item has never heard of a little handy tool called spellcheck!

As usual, this is not even the worst part of the news. There is still a little more:

“I’ve ordered an enquiry,” Neeraj Dubey, Shahdol district collector told HT. But his sympathies were clear. “The test was a precautionary measure,” he added. “Last year one of the brides delivered a baby even as the marriage ceremony was on. Since there is money involved, many women, try to take advantage.”

The programme [sic] been allocated a Rs 25 crore budget this year. In three years, 88,460 such marriages have been solemnized in different districts of the state.

 

This is the worst vetting process EVER. Even the McCain campaign, which cleared clusterfuck Governor Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from becoming the leader of the free world, had a better vetting process.

And if you're spending Rs. 25 crores, it is advisable to come up with a better method of investigating the intentions of the participants than HAVING A GYNACOLOGIST SEARCH FOR BROKEN HYMENS. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?

Also, I'm guessing that none of these brides were over 30. Where was the health minister?

Oh yes, he was busy COMMEMORATING the country's population.

 

 

I think I need to fill out my Prozac prescription right about now.

Later, then.

 

 

 

 

Savita Bhabhi cartoon porn website blocked by Indian security law [Times UK]
Ghulam Nabi Azad says late-night TV will help slow India’s birth rate [Times UK]
Govt holds virginity test for MP brides [HT]
Azad favours late marriages to curb population growth[HT]

The Real Countries of South Asia

South Asia has turned into a really, really bad Bravo reality show. [Wikipedia]

Pakistan is like a bad imitation of Sigourney Weaver's character from the Alien franchise. Although, it's doesn't have the balls like Ellen Ripley to kill itself and the alien queen it's carrying in it's womb. [WaPost] Also, Alien vs Predator is a perfect moniker for Pakistan's "war" with the Taliban.

Someone put some industrial strength drugs into Nepal's drink and now it's woken up with a really bad hangover. [NYT]

Sri Lanka is in a really bad mixed marriage and has set a new bar for domestic abuse. [InEXP]

Which in turn is causing J Jayalalitha to go more crazy. [Asian Tribune] (Okay. I'm not saying that Jayalalitha is big enough to be her own country, but you do need a passport to meet her).

Bangladesh had pre-pubescent sex. Possibly with Michael Jackson.  [Mon&Critics]

China was in a really bad place and sipped it's own lead infested milk. And then it had some Mexican food. Now it's feet are bloated, it's eyes are shut and it's hiding in a corner in the attic worried that it might get Swine Flu. Although, eating the household rat was not a step in the right direction. [TIME]

As for Bhutan, don't just stand there, DO SOMETHING CRAZY. [BusStandard]

News Dictionary

Are you confused? In these times do you feel overburdened with information? Don't worry, because as always, we at overated outcast help you navigate through the news with our aptly titled news dictionary.

Big Boss: A reality show which puts more than a dozen celebrities in a single house for more than eighty days without access to TV, internet, phones and mouthwash. By celebrities we mean people who are in the news for all the wrong reasons. A racist, a former cocaine junkie, a alleged former mistress of a don, a lowbrow comedian, a person suspected to be a human being, all under one roof. Sadly, nobody in the outside world misses the people inside. In fact people were wondering if they can seal the house. Not without a certain Ms Shetty though.

Bachna Ae Hasino: The latest Yash Raj flick to hit the theaters. The leading man's only claim to fame is dropping his towel to reveal his cracked up sense of humour and having a famous last name. One of the leading ladies is his girlfriend and one of the leading ladies looks like his mother. The title shares it's name with one of the famous songs of the leading man's father. This is in keeping with his promise of not pimping his heritage to further his career. A man of his word, which is such a rare quality these days.

iPhone: About to be launched in India on the 22 August, it is already on it's way to become a bestseller. The "I" in the phone's name stands for idiot , referring to anyone who actually purchases the phone. The Phone stands for phone because the device can mostly be used to just make phone calls, which recent reports have suggested is mostly achieved by trial and error. The phone cannot be used as a modem, cannot be used to record videos and turns most of it's buyers into smug little assholes. Credited with ushering in the real smart phone revolution, the device uses technology which can be found in phones manufactured in 2004. The real purpose of this device is to blow some smoke up it's owners ass so that they can buy more apple devices.

Olympics: A global sporting event which encourages people to get excited about all the wrong things. The current version is being hosted by a county which plans to take over the world, one unit of lead infested cat food at a time. Also the opening ceremony consisted of all the world leaders getting together and singing Kumbaya, We are the world and Who the fuck is Alice.

Splitsvilla: A reality show where the men look like women and the women look like men and the stupid bald guy looks like a stupid bald guy. The men act like they have never seen a women ever, the women act like they would hump anything with a dick and the host pretends that people watch this show. This goes to show that just because you keep saying f**k on television, it does not guarantee an audience.

Obama: A candidate running to be the next President of the United States, or as some people call it, the leader of the free world, wherein the usage of "world" does not include Eastern Europe, Russia, Asia, the Middle East and most of the South American continent. Even though he is the better suited to hold this position than his opponent, Old MacDonald, he still is struggling to maintain a lead in the polls. It seems that the American people have decided to live up to their stereotype of being stupid. As they say, God Bless America.

Georgia: A little known former Soviet and now-independent country which was put on the map recently when it was Invaded by Russia. Even though the US promised to come to it's assistance in such a situation, it advised Georgia to simply Walk it off.

Poland: A little known European country whose invasion usually signifies the beginning of a world war. Or at least another season of 24. Has recently inked a treaty with the US which bolsters it's defense against Russia err.. Iran. This has angered the Russians who now want to bomb Poland into oblivion. To which Poland said "Dude, where's my car?."

Signs that you are participating in a lame Indian reality show

- it somehow involves Urmilla Matondkar

- you are being given advice on a successful career by Sonali Bendre

- it's on primetime on Zee USA

- the winner gets to star in a Himesh Reshyamiya movie

- it's being sponsored by itch guard

- you are paid for participation in monopoly money

- even Rakhi Sawant refuses to participate in your show

- your co-contestant are Mika and Shilpa Shetty

- your whole family is participating

- the eliminated contestant gets to carry Saroj Khan's tiffin to the shoot for a week

- you are continuously insulted by that stupid bald guy on Roadies

- all the contestants only claim to fame is being a participant in a reality show

- the winner of last season now has a Chinese Food stall at Juhu Beach

- it's on TV

The genesis of an Indian reality show - Part 1

The following is a step-by-step instruction guide on how to be a judge on a reality show

Step 1: Make sure either you career is in the doldrums. Extra points if you were somewhat popular in the 80's or were a mildly successful actress in the 90's.

Step 2: Make sure you bring one unique characteristic to the table i.e. either you laugh unnecessarily or whistle like a roadside romeo or know millions of proverbs.

Step 3: Make sure you learn the following words and phrases: English: Mind Blowing, Outstanding, Impressive, Awesome, Rocking, Rock On, Fantastic, Superb. Hindi: tadka maar diya, raaita phila diya, masaladaar performance. As mentioned above, extra points will be given for quoting hindi or urdu couplets. In case of a really good performance one can combine two or more phrases eg: Mindblowingly Outstanding or Outstandingly Mindblowing or Masaladar-Tadkaydaar Awesome Mindblowing performance.

Note: In case your demographic is the 18 to 55 y.o. yuppie, then get a hindi to english dictionary to quote phrases from and act as if you are being forced to speak hindi for the first time in you life.

Step 4:

(a) Singing shows - There are a few character types to choose from. One can either be brutally honest and a total dick like Simon Cowell or say things which no one can understand ala Paula Abdul or act like a total wackjob who keeps repeating unintelligible phrases much like Urmila Matondkar.


(b) Comedy shows - For these types of shows, there are two character types. One is a person who will laugh out loudly at anything, the other is a person who will laugh at nothing. Pick your type of character and collect your paycheck. Since you have pretty much nothing to do, learning hindi, english and urdu proverbs will help you raise your profile. This can be done during contestant performances.

(c) Dance Shows - Always blame the choreographer. In case you like someone's dance performance, it is appropriate to give them shagun of a rupee or two even though the contestants are paid in lakhs. In case you love food, one can also award contests by eating an Indian Sweet on their behalf. In case you are really moved, you can shed a tear or two and induce false hope in the lives of these contestants by telling them that they are better than the actors in the original song. This gives the contestants an over confident and delusional sense of self that makes them self destruct later in the season which always makes for good crash & burn TV.

Note: If a contestant does not perform up to par (which they won't), while giving them low marks one should always say that the contestant(s) did not perform upto your expectations. This doesn't make you sound like the bad guy and the contestants go home happy and the people voting for the particular contestants are always encouraged to continue voting.


Step 5: What to say and when

Now no one really cares about talent and people just want the person from their chawl/city/village/state/region/gender/pastry shop to win, so whatever you say and the marks you give pretty much amount to nothing. So just say or do whatever the hell the producers want you to, collect you paycheck and go home.

However, once in a while, the producers would want you to feign disgust to add a little drama. Your profile in the Indian Media (mainly Aajtak, India TV & Star News) will be raised for a while and your "performance" will be shown endlessly on these channels.

Having said that, you still need to know the following basics:

• Whenever a supposed frontrunner is in the danger zone or losers circle or whateverthefuckitiscalled, always act surprised. This makes people think that you have an eye for talent. If the frontrunner survives and ultimately wins the show, your own career will somehow get a shot in the arm.
  
  
• To add more legitimacy to your show, always give low marks to the people you like and/or are friendly with. This gives you an image of a fair judge and might lead to other employment opportunities.
  
  
• Always appraise people like a mother-in-law appraises her daughter-in-law.
  
  
• If you are not sure of a performance, always use ambiguous phrases like "risky performance", "unusual" or the most popular "it was different". Then wait for the other judges to provide their opinion and give your marks based on what they say.
  
  
• Conflict between judges is always encouraged. To raise your own profile, it is advisable to feud with your co-judges. This takes the focus off the contestants and puts it solely on you. This will always keep you in the news, even English news channels will keep playing the clip of you verbally bitch slapping your hapless co-judge. This is a money-back guaranteed method of getting employment.
  
  
• Learn to be profound. You can give as much advice as you want on any topic you want. For eg: Even though you have not had a really successful career till before you became a judge on a reality show, you can talk hours about achieving success. This gives you an aura of an elder statesmen.
  

Before we end today's lesson, a special shout out goes to Javed Akhtar and his family, Shabana Azmi and Farhan Akhtar for holding the guiness world record for being the only family in the world to have judged 72365016126598016256 reality shows between themselves. In fact, Javed Akhtar has collected so much bad karma from contestants that he will be reborn as a reality show contestant . Though to be fair, being married to Shabana Azmi is punishment enough and does burn out a lot of his bad karma.

Now we hope that we have been able to provide all of you with enough tools to be a successful reality show judge.

After all, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, it only matters who you have bet your money on. (That's an original Overism. Thank you very much.)