First Draft of Senator Obama's acceptance speech

Yesterday, history was made when Barack Obama was nominated for President of the United States. We all heard and were wowed by his speech. But thanks to our "sources", we got our hands on the first draft. So here it is, warts and all.

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My fellow democrats, my fellow Americans, My Bitches,

Thank you for nominating me to become king of the world woo-hoo the office of the President of the United States.

Firstly, I would like to thank the people I owe this victory to. Firstly, Senator Hillary Clinton, for screwing up her campaign, for the historic campaign she ran, President Bill Clinton for not blowing up while giving his speech his rousing speech, my wife, Michelle Obama, for not sounding crazy like the other guy's wife, for her support, and the millions and millions of Americans who drank the kool aid who supported this campaign.

My opponent, Senator Crazy McFart Senator John McCain, is a 71 year old retard an honorable man, a war hero if you don't believe me ask him, that's all he can talk about. He talks about being a maverick, but he drank the blood of iraqi prisoners in Cheney's lair voted with President Bush 95% of the time. Which does not represent change, but represents the same old dumbass stubbornness divisive politics.

My opponent is a homophobic bigot does not support same-sex relationships, my opponent loves waterboarding too does not support an end to torture, my opponent is a gun toting hee-haw does not support gun control, my opponent calls women with unwanted pregnancies knocked-up ho's wants to repeal Roe v Wade.

My opponent is out of touch with the youth of America thinks ABBA is still cool, out of touch with middle-class America has so many houses that he does not even remember the exact number, is out of touch with the women of America refers to his wife as a c*nt, and is out of touch with reality wanted to choose Paula Abdul as his running mate.

We need a President who can build American reputation in the world by not attacking every country with oil, increase our energy independence by not kissing the Saudi's ass, and going after Al-Qeada in Afganisthan by going after Al Qeada in Pakistan.

The last eight years have been really bad America has been fucked more than a whore on Times Square, for us. We need to rebuild our nation and rebuild the American Dream by bringing the sitcom FRIENDS to a movie theater near you.

People question my faith because of my former batshit crazy pastor, my patriotism because of a stupid flag pin, my sexuality My wife is a woman, in fact she's all woman. Gimme some of that honey. Mmm.

People don't realize that this campaign is not about me, it's about Oprah you, the Armenian American People.

America, we cannot turn back We don't have a reverse gear. Not with so much work to be done We really need to repair Britney And LL. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone specially in an African-American neighborhood. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future like they did in that Star Wars movie. Let us keep that promise, that American promise to get you so drunk that you wake up next to someone you don't even know.

Hey Russia, the west called. They want their balls back.

While America and Europe were thinking about disbanding all NATO-Russia military exercises, Moscow announced that it won't play with the West anymore.

Moscow announced that it won't continue any joint military activities with either NATO or the United States. Yes. While America was talking about isolating Russia, Russia has begun ignoring America.

In fact, just yesterday the Russia told America to talk to the hand.

The American government was so angry, the exact state department response was

"Oh yeah, Yo Mama so ugly she make an onion cry. Whose the chump now, eh?"

News Dictionary

Are you confused? In these times do you feel overburdened with information? Don't worry, because as always, we at overated outcast help you navigate through the news with our aptly titled news dictionary.

Big Boss: A reality show which puts more than a dozen celebrities in a single house for more than eighty days without access to TV, internet, phones and mouthwash. By celebrities we mean people who are in the news for all the wrong reasons. A racist, a former cocaine junkie, a alleged former mistress of a don, a lowbrow comedian, a person suspected to be a human being, all under one roof. Sadly, nobody in the outside world misses the people inside. In fact people were wondering if they can seal the house. Not without a certain Ms Shetty though.

Bachna Ae Hasino: The latest Yash Raj flick to hit the theaters. The leading man's only claim to fame is dropping his towel to reveal his cracked up sense of humour and having a famous last name. One of the leading ladies is his girlfriend and one of the leading ladies looks like his mother. The title shares it's name with one of the famous songs of the leading man's father. This is in keeping with his promise of not pimping his heritage to further his career. A man of his word, which is such a rare quality these days.

iPhone: About to be launched in India on the 22 August, it is already on it's way to become a bestseller. The "I" in the phone's name stands for idiot , referring to anyone who actually purchases the phone. The Phone stands for phone because the device can mostly be used to just make phone calls, which recent reports have suggested is mostly achieved by trial and error. The phone cannot be used as a modem, cannot be used to record videos and turns most of it's buyers into smug little assholes. Credited with ushering in the real smart phone revolution, the device uses technology which can be found in phones manufactured in 2004. The real purpose of this device is to blow some smoke up it's owners ass so that they can buy more apple devices.

Olympics: A global sporting event which encourages people to get excited about all the wrong things. The current version is being hosted by a county which plans to take over the world, one unit of lead infested cat food at a time. Also the opening ceremony consisted of all the world leaders getting together and singing Kumbaya, We are the world and Who the fuck is Alice.

Splitsvilla: A reality show where the men look like women and the women look like men and the stupid bald guy looks like a stupid bald guy. The men act like they have never seen a women ever, the women act like they would hump anything with a dick and the host pretends that people watch this show. This goes to show that just because you keep saying f**k on television, it does not guarantee an audience.

Obama: A candidate running to be the next President of the United States, or as some people call it, the leader of the free world, wherein the usage of "world" does not include Eastern Europe, Russia, Asia, the Middle East and most of the South American continent. Even though he is the better suited to hold this position than his opponent, Old MacDonald, he still is struggling to maintain a lead in the polls. It seems that the American people have decided to live up to their stereotype of being stupid. As they say, God Bless America.

Georgia: A little known former Soviet and now-independent country which was put on the map recently when it was Invaded by Russia. Even though the US promised to come to it's assistance in such a situation, it advised Georgia to simply Walk it off.

Poland: A little known European country whose invasion usually signifies the beginning of a world war. Or at least another season of 24. Has recently inked a treaty with the US which bolsters it's defense against Russia err.. Iran. This has angered the Russians who now want to bomb Poland into oblivion. To which Poland said "Dude, where's my car?."

America refuses to sign Russia's Yearbook

In what is becoming a bigger crisis day by day, Student body head America said that it won't sign Russia's yearbook. This crisis has been bought about ever since Russia roughed up poor defenseless Georgia by giving him a atomic veggie and then putting his head in the toilet bowl. Georgia complained to the student body led by America, who not only released a strong statement condemning Russia's behavior but also refused to sign his yearbook.

"We need to send a message so that such incessant bullying will not be tolerated in our high school. Russia must apologize to Georgia and return his library books immediately. If we don't control this now, Russia's behavior might get out of hand." said America. Meanwhile the student council led by America and his jock buddies Britain and Canada have decided to remove Russia from their facebook group called G8. "It sends a strong message. We shall not stand by doing nothing while Russia bullies everybody in the school chess team. He's already got one of the cheerleaders pregnant." said a somber Britain.

Meanwhile Russia says that America and his cronies should keep out of this family affair. "Georgia and I have are both distant relatives. Both of us owe our existence to our grandfather, Soviet Union. So it's just some tough love. I'm making a man out of my younger brother." said Russia, in a written statemnet on his MySpace page.

Meanwhile the head of the organizing committee for the Prom, China, just wants everyone to get along. "I worked so hard to put this together. Everyone should just relax and have my special homemade toxic lead flavored fruit punch.", said a worried China.

India's foreign policy is like a bad Tom Clancy novel

I just don't get it when educated supposedly sane people say that India is going to become a "puppet" for the US. I mean, seriously, buddy, get your head examined.

I mean first you need to ask yourself why did you attend Sitaram Yechury's campaign meeting. Then you need to ask yourself a few questions. Like do you live in Canada or the United Kingdom? Does the main source of income for your country come from the world bank? Did the head of government of your country work at a McDonald's before taking up his current assignment? If the answer to all these questions is no, then you can stop selling your own blood and be assured that your government is not a puppet to the United States government. Or any of it's agencies.

For my fellow countrymen, even the ones who piss in their pants at the site of a blond, need to understand that it's impossible for a country like ours to become a rubber stamp government for any other country.

That is because (a) We are all grown up now and want to do our own thing on the world stage (b) Thanks to the Indian population in the UK, the whole world now knows that if you take our money or try to occupy us, we'll come into your country, make Chicken Tikka your national snack and turn your capital into an extended version of Karol Bagh.

So people who keep getting their knickers in a twist, relax. it's all good. It's not the 15th century that we outsource our government or the 1970s that we go batshit crazy over one superpower.

Whatever it's faults, we do have a sort of working democracy. The poor people vote for the government and the rich people run it. Nothing is more democratic, really. When we take steps that align us with the US on the world stage, we do that because it benefits us.

Some of our politicians want to side with China and Iran.

Do these people really think that, heaven forbid, if we have a war against Pakistan or somebody, are Iran or China going to help us? No. Iran has got it's own shit to deal with and China would be invading Arunachal Pradesh on the first opportunity.

From the Indian perspective, Russia has gone from former superpower to a psychologically distrubed bully, China & Pakistan want most of our territory and nobody really cares about Bangladesh. So we only got one friend in the playground who will not mind our cooties. Suprisingly, it's the US.

From the US perspectve, Russia is taking over Europe, China's taking over Africa, and Iran is driving everyone in the middle east nuts. So the only person whose ready to lend a shoulder to a lonely, crying America is, well, surprise surprise, India.

See? Our interests allign perfectly.

So why shoudn't we play scrabble with each other. And when we get bored, we can always get Israel to play with us. Though not for long because Israel gets real angry when it's pissed off. Yeah. Seriously. Ask poor Jordan and Egypt. Or Lebanon for that matter.

Independence Day: A Memo to part-time patriots

So anybody wanting to send me those emails and messages on 15th August proclaiming our country’s various achievements and telling me again that we invented the zero, I hereby save you a few keystrokes.

Don’t send it.

No, seriously.

It’s not worth it.

What I’m saying is, to all those people who become patriotic on 15th August, 26th January, and whenever we beat Pakistan in cricket. Thanks but no thanks. I ain’t a fan.

Nope. Not at all.

Yes. All those people who are finally able to fight their hangover and send across “We’re the best country in the world. Duh” messages which reek of delusional and schizophrenia, need to, well for want of a better word, chill.

Yes. Wake up and smell the cup of cutting chai. We’re not number 1. We’re far from it.

We need to lose our delusions of grandeur that we have. We need to stop acting like the oppressed. We got the British to leave 61 years ago. Shit happens. Get over it, bitch.

What we need is a reality check. Someone who doesn’t fall victim to our politicians pandering and refuses to drink our jingoistic national kool aid. Someone who helps us overcome our collective national addiction to whatever mixture of superiority/inferiority complex we have.

The first step is admitting it.

So we need to admit that inside our little Indian hearts, somewhere, we know the truth. We know that we’re really not better off than the Americans. Or the French. Maybe we’re better off than the Algerians. The Nepalese maybe. Though I think we're definitely better than those suckers in Georgia. Anyways, the point here is that, we need to stop rationalizing everything that happens in our country.

We also need to realize that, to quote one of my favorite comedians, that our country suffers from fuck up fatigue.

Yes. Things are so bad most of the time, that when another fucked up event happens, we go Yeah, what ya gonna do?

And that my friends is, well, fucked up.

We need to stop thinking that we are morally superior to the rest of the world. That our country has “values”. Yeah, following some traditions that were started in the 14th century does not equal having values. In our country, we don’t have “values”, we have suppression. We suppress our children and impose our code of conduct on them and call it values. It’s not values, its child abuse. Not letting young adults choose who they want to marry is suppression. Imposing and expecting children to adhere to everything their elders say is slavery.

We get all haughty and smug when a kid of Indian origin wins some godforsaken spelling bee contest in the US. Though our own kids can’t even spell ostentatious correctly . (Even I can’t spell it. Thank the lord for spell (spel? dunno..oops..) check. Yeah, baby.)

We make fun of people of all races, sometimes the humor bordering on mental harassment, yet we are scandalized when someone calls Shilpa Shetty “Poppadum”. Wtf, right?

All I’m sayin is that please spare me the histrionics. I got better things to do.

Like get drunk to celebrate muh freedom, mentally undress other people (trying to be ostentatious, y’all) and then text everyone I know that this is the besttest country in the whole wide world. Go India!!!

Uh-huh.

All the news that no one else covers

Britney Spears wants her children to have a normal childhood.

Err... Call me a pessimist but I think her children were scarred for life after they saw her performance at last year's MTV VMA's.

In a new add against Obama, the McCain campaign saya that "hot chicks dig Obama".

I think the add might be having the opposite effect because after seeing it, former president Bill Clinton said "I'm sold. Screw Hillary. I'm voting for Obama."

The government of India wants to set an ethical code of conduct for our television channels.

Does anybody else get a sense of irony when our government talks about ethics. *cough* Shibhu Soren *cough*. It's like asking Deve Gowda to give a speech on motivation.

Pakistani President Musshraf might be ousted by the newly elected government.

It looks like his chances for survival are bleak. I mean just yesterday they put the Pakistani presidential palace up for sale on eBay. I don't think that's a good sign.

An Indian recently won a gold medal at the Beijing Olympics.

To which a puzzled country asked, "That's nice and all, but what does it have to do with cricket, exactly??"

Signs that you are participating in a lame Indian reality show

- it somehow involves Urmilla Matondkar

- you are being given advice on a successful career by Sonali Bendre

- it's on primetime on Zee USA

- the winner gets to star in a Himesh Reshyamiya movie

- it's being sponsored by itch guard

- you are paid for participation in monopoly money

- even Rakhi Sawant refuses to participate in your show

- your co-contestant are Mika and Shilpa Shetty

- your whole family is participating

- the eliminated contestant gets to carry Saroj Khan's tiffin to the shoot for a week

- you are continuously insulted by that stupid bald guy on Roadies

- all the contestants only claim to fame is being a participant in a reality show

- the winner of last season now has a Chinese Food stall at Juhu Beach

- it's on TV

7 Things Overheard in the George Bush-Manmohan Singh meeting during the G8 summit

7. My Cheney is a woman!!

6. Stop calling me Funmohan, you dumbass

5. Funny thing, even I became a leader without winning the popular vote

4. HELP!!! The President is choking on a piece of chicken tikka ... !! I'm not a real doctor dammit . . . HELP!!

3. Can I borrow Karl Rove for my next election?

2. No, I can't help you fix your PC. I'm not technical support.

1. Mr President, STOP PLAYING HIDE & SEEK and come out from under the table. It's not funny now and it wasn't funny the first 49 times either.

Loose Ends

According to new reports, they have finally translated what is believed to be the world's oldest joke.

Unfortunately, it was about Senator John McCain being old.

Speaking of McCain, he recently joked about killing millions of Iranians with cigarettes.

He followed it up with a funny anecdote about roasting gay people.

Then, suddenly the sky opened up and lightning struck him. Twice.

McCain also recently ran an add which compared Obama with Britney and Paris Hilton.

When quizzed about it he said "Nicole Ritchie was busy".

The McCain campaign also accused Obama of being presumptuous about his victory. .

When asked about it, the Obama campign said "That is no way to talk about the next President"

A pakistani wrestler has challenged the "Great" khali to a match.

Khali responded to the challenge by saying ...er..ummm... something.Our research team is still working on cracking it. We might have a response in the next few months.

How to lose an election and other stories

The stage was all set for a big political comeback. The BJP was finally in the process of getting it's act together. The Congress had lost 12 consecutive assembly elections. The former deputy prime minister was finally going to fulfill his dream

Then, suddenly, the left withdraws support.

The UPA plans to move a trust vote in the lok sabha.

Mayawati, with approximately just 32 MP's in her kitty, overshadows the BJP and takes up the opposition space.

The BJP is caught napping, again.

Then, it on the eve of the trust vote, when it finally thinks it has an ace up it's sleeve, wherein it thinks it's got the government by the b***s, it's plan goes awry and it looks like the party of the past, again.

Suddenly, the congress is the pro-reform progressive party and Mayawati & the left are the anti-UPA. The BJP is left without an issue, without a poll plank and with egg on it's face.

As the old saying goes, a week is too long in Indian politics.

Really, the BJP should write a book on how to lose an election.

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The flimsy excuses being used by the left and Mayawati to justify their opposition were simply hilarious (though not in the traditional sense).

One reason that was given to the press was that the nuclear deal is anti-muslim and that after signing the Nuke deal, America would start a war in Iran. Okay, even the 9/11 conspiracy theorists refuse to beleive this one. Sheesh.


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Okay, I've heard and read many conspiracy theories doing the round about the recent blasts being organized by one political party or the other.
The reason I don't beleive that is because the bombs actually went off. Our political parties can't even make a firecracker burst on Diwali.

Then, again, that's my opinion.

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The speech given by Omar Abdullah during the trust vote was the only speech worth listening too. Not that I care for any speeches made in parliament. Maybe our politicians need training lessons from a certain Mr Obama.

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Please note that we at overated outcast have an equal acute disdain for ALL political parties. I'm just sayin.