Priyanka Gandhi says that Rahul Gandhi's as yet unborn children are fit to be Prime Minister

Fielding questions from C-level journalists while campaigning for Congress candidates, Priyanka Gandhi today said that she thinks that her brother Rahuls as-yet-unborn children will be fit to be PM, as and when they are born and grow up.

"I'm sure they would make great leaders even though they are not born yet. How do I know that? Well, the as-yet-unborn kids are the great-great-grandchildren of Jawaharlal Nehru, they are the great-grandchildren of Indira Gandhi and grandchildren of Rajiv Gandhi. What other qualifications do they need?". She added that "Our family's hold on Congress politics and the country is just like the duracell bunny. It goes on and on and on".

HRD minister Arjun Singh welcomed the statement. "This country runs in the right direction only if a scion of the Nehru Gandhi family is at the helm. The children of our future prime minister, Rahul Gandhi, are our future, twice removed".

However, party spokesperson,  Abhishek Manusingvi, when asked the same question adamantly refused to answer it and said that "I don't answer hypothetical questions". This was right after the long answer he provided to a reporter who questioned him about the policies Congress party would follow if it won the elections.

Meanwhile, after holding a press conference about the party's unflinching support for Varun Gandhi, BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad said that "This is the difference between the BJP and the Congress. The Congress is all about dynasty, whereas we support no dynasty".

Even Tamil Nadu Chief Minister MK Karunanidhi chimed in. At a function to announce candidates for the coming elections, including his three children, he said that "Dynastic politics is like a termite which is destroying Indian politics. We should put an end to it and practice real intra-party democracy". Afterwards, in conversation with party workers, he alluded to the possibility of his son, Stalin, taking over the DMK by the next election.

Rahul Gandhi's as-yet-unborn children were unavailable for comment.

Manmohan vs Advani

The Indian media is gung-ho and surprised at how both the PM and the former Dpty PM snubbed each other at an official function yesterday.

Did that really come as a surprise for anyone?

Two people, who have been at each other's throats for the past five years not getting along?

Really?

Shocker.

What should they have done?

Exchanged high-fives?

Actually, that won't be a good idea. At their age such strenuous activity is really dangerous.

Pinged each other on facebook?

What? All the cool kids are doing it.

 

As always, the Indian media gets a "Thank you, Captain Obvious".

SP promises to ban the 21st century

It's back to bad haircuts, kitschy clothes and writing more than 140 characters at a time.

In a bid to take away the "we'll take you back to the stone age" mantle away from the left parties, the Samajwadi Party announced in it's manifesto that if it comes to power, it will ban the 21st century.

In an interview, SP supremo, Mulayam Singh Yadav said that "Duh. We love the past. That's where we want to be. Why do you think we keep nominating Jaya Pradha, huh?"

"Look, it's not like we're totally into the past", said SP general secretary Amar Singh, "We just believe that until everyone is on the same page, the country should not advance. In our conservative estimates, by the year 2420, everyone will be miserable in equal proportions.  Until then, we can't even think about removing the ban. So you better get with the program and party like it's 1997. However, please note that it's not a ploy to bring back cargo pants. That's just a positive side-effect. Now please excuse me while I go get the dust off of my Spice Girls CD collection".

"We also wanted to ban common sense and the formality of integrity. But some issues need to be left for the next election cycle", said new SP member, Sunjay Dutt.

The Other India

 

Did I go to sleep and wake up in the future?

Did Columbus come alive and discover another country which he called India too?

Am I losing it?

Clean natural water? Without ashes and other floating household garbage?

Roads which actually look like roads?

People behaving like responsible adults?

Where is this "!ncredible" place?

In the famous words of Tina Fey's Liz Lemon, I want to go to there.

No, seriously. I want to ask the tourism board which country they actually shot the add in? Or was it all CGI?

Is this what those unsuspecting tourists are conned with?

Why have I begun to sound like The Riddler?

New Rules: Election edition

The Indian media has got to stop comparing each event in our country to some other event in America. We've already had three Indian 9/11's, five Indian version of the Oscars and every reporter is on a mission to find India's Barack Obama. Listen up. If Barack Obama was born in India, he would do what any other patriotic Indian would.  Be on the top of his class in school,  get admission in an IIT, apply for an H1B visa, and then get a job as a server engineer with IBM America for half for what they would pay an American citizen. Then once the visa duration is over, come back home and write a really bad best-selling book about the whole experience.

The Italian Prime Minister needs to get his head surgically removed from his ass. Recently, he told the devastated earthquake survivors whose homes were destroyed causing them to live in tents, to pretend that they were on a "camping trip". He also told them to think of the earthquake as "mild land turbulence" and to dismiss the large rash on their ass which they got from doing their "business" in the woods, as "insect hickeys".

The guy who filed an FIR about Akshay and Twinkle Kumar at the LIFW needs to get laid. Dude, you were at the fashion week. They show more tits there than at Vijay Mallaya's parties. Feigning offense there is like being surprised that the Slim Sauna belt didn't give you a six pack.  In fact, I think a case should be a case filed against you for your obscene show of insanity. Don't the police have much better things to do? Like arresting criminals? Or preventing young people from having sex with each other?

Indian Politicians need to stop trying to trash talk each other. Not only is it boring, it's also a trifle bit embarrassing. Even five year olds can diss each other in a more entertaining fashion.  If they really want to piss each other off, and get high TRP's, I suggest they learn the tricks of the trade by watching back to back episodes of Yo Mamma.

People in India need to stop throwing shoes at our politicians. No, not because I think it's disrespectful. No, no, no. Not at all. It's because I think that it's a waste of a perfectly good shoe.

Network 18 has got to stop showing Arun Jaitley and Kapil Sibbal debating each other. If I wanted to see two lawyers talk about politics, I would watch old episodes of Boston Legal. At least the show has a happy ending. 

Sharad Pawar has got to pick a front he can side with. One day he's with the Third Front. The next day he's back with the UPA. Who does he think he is? Ajit Singh?

Jayanti Natrajan has got to lend me her cloning machine. Not only is she on every channel, every night, at the same time, she's even wearing a different ensemble. I think she's one appearance away from replacing Glenn Close in the third season of Damages.  At the very least , she should at least get her very own X-Men franchise.

The G20 lowdown

Sadly, the last international cocktail party before money becomes obsolete and we are back to using the barter system, called the G20 has now come to an end. While all the spouses chatted about the latest episode of Gossip Girl, the heads of state got down to business. In the end, everyone was happy and they decided to do the whole thing again.

Meanwhile, continuing our quest to tell you things no one else does  we bring to you the winners, whiners and losers of the summit. 

As the white house spokesperson would have you believe, America is a winner. Because it got to show off it's shiny new President to the world. (Look, he speaks English. Not just Texas English, but English English. People were actually cheering him. When was the last time that happened?) Although America was eager to start telling everyone what they need to do, not everyone was ready to listen. Still, it got some of it's "edge" back.

The Obamas are the biggest winners of the summit. It was supposed to be the first coming out party for America's sweethearts. And everyone and their tart of an aunt were enamoured by them. Michelle got more buzz than a contestant on the British version of Big Brother. And in Britain, it doesn't get big than big brother.  Everyone wanted to be her BFF. Even the queen. And as expected, Barack got to play messiah. For real, this time. Although as far as gift giving is concerned, I think someone needs lessons from Oprah.

The Queen finally won something other than contempt and disgust from her subjects.It would have been considered a successful visit if Prince Philip didn't say something obscene and racist. As luck would have it, not only did he STFU, the queen showed some human emotion. Someone finally touched her and (a) She didn't burst into flames (b) It didn't secretly launch Nuclear weapons on all of Britain's enemies. Even Prince Charles was a happy camper because whenever he stood next to Barack Obama, his ears did not feel out of place.

Gordon Brown scored some runs too. Not only did some of the Obama magic rub of on him, Mr Brown was able to justify the $75 million he spent for organising the summit. When they came up with the final agreement, it didn't look like a complete waste of time like the UN always does. Although, there was this awkward moment when the Saudi king tried to buy his wife. Other than that, it was a good summit for Brownie.

Nicolas Sarkozy & Angela Merkel won a hypothetical tag team match against well, hypothetical opponents. To think, just a little more than six decades ago these two countries wanted to kill each other. And now, they joined together and took on the might of the "Anglo-Saxon's". (Their words, not mine). Finally, the French stood up for something other than cheese and wine. Also, until now, people just thought of him as a horny cradle rocker (not that there is anything wrong with that). Now, Sarkozy has put his name on the map for something other than doing Carla Bruni. The press conference Sarkozy & Merkel held before the summit was for the benefit of their collective domestic audiences and for driving their respective translators crazy. I mean have you tried translating German to French? It's like going from "Yippe-ki-yay, MotherF*cker" to "Hakuna Mattata". Angela Merkel simply won because no one tried to give her a backrub.

China was so eager to win, it had a child labourer make it a trophy. The West was trying to seduce China because it's the only country in the world whose got money right now. In fact, no one really wanted to piss China off so when they talked about tax havens, they tiptoed around Macau and Hong Kong. In fact, China is a lot like a new, shiny iPhone.  It might look nice from the outside and have lots of third-party applications, but what it really wants to do is take over the world. Hey, don't take my word for it.

Unlike the Georgian invasion, Russia didn't do that well. All it's new President had to do is look a little less evil ,despotic and psychotic than the others. Sadly, that was not to be.

Manmohan Singh's trip, as usual, was in the middle. He had a sort of blink-and-you-miss appearance. None of the Indian news channels were even covering his visit. except of course DD "news". Although, Mr Singh got what he came for. And he also got an Obama verbal fistbump. As for our first lady, Mrs Gursharan Kaur, she was overheard sharing with the French First Lady Carla Bruni her secret butter chicken recipe.

Europe seemed to come out of the dark shadows too. The Grand Old Continent, once home to the most greedy and laziest people in the world, had dropped off from everybody's radar. Everyone had sort off forgotten about Europe ever since India and China started making money. The only people who cared were those, young, pesky travellers who want to see the whole of Europe with $30 in their pocket and a huge-ass backpack on their backs which they carry around even when they go to drink a cup of coffee. Now, the G20 has put Europe back on the map. In fact, even Barack Obama has promised that America will start making out with all the European countries again. Except of course, the British. Because frankly, they need to start brushing their teeth first.

Finally, another unexpected winner was the crowd of protestors. Thanks to the G20 they had a very productive few days. Otherwise they would have been stuck home watching new episodes of Eastenders and drinking home-brewed beer Or even worse, they would have been sitting in front of their computer and writing a blog. Who knows what kind of crap they would have come up with!

World leaders hold summit to formally blame George Bush for the current economic crisis

The heads of government of the (technically mathematically inaccurately) named Group of 20, aka G-20, are scheduled to meet in London, starting tomorrow, to try find a way out of the current global clusterfuck. On the agenda are possible solutions for the economic crisis, discussion of a possibility of a global stimulus package and some juicy gossip about German Chancellor Angela Merkel's love life.

A banquet was held by the Queen today to formally welcome all the heads of state.

"Basically we are all here to convince the world that the current economic crisis is George Bush's fault. I blame Bush for everything." said Russian President Dmirty Medvedev. "Even when my children catch a cold. Or when Putin gets drunk, puts on a dress and starts singing I will survive in Russian. Oh, Lenin. I really shouldn't have said anything. I am so dead." He then was seen getting down on his knees and making a phone call.


The facade of camaraderie was absent the summit this time around. French President Nicolas Sarkozy threatened to walk out when he saw that the Italian Prime Minister was continuously eyeing his wife. "Hey Berlusconi, stop lookeeeng at my wife or I weeel break youur arms." He then chased the Italian Prime minister through the lush green Buckingham Palace gardens all the while shouting, what one can only hope, nice things about Mr Berlusconi's mother. Both of them were then stopped by current US President and part-time Messiah, Barack Obama and given a sermon about how "Thou shall not covet your neighbors wife". "It's the same sermon I gave to Bill Clinton last week", Mr Obama told reports later on.

Meanwhile Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was spotted sipping some Gaterorade and playing chess with the Chinese President. "Madam told me not to say too much. It's good advice, I tell you. Very good advice. I usually bite off more than I can chew. Just yesterday, I had some butter chicken and I still feel a little gassy. Well, what can you do. Old age is old age. ha. hA. HA". When Mr Singh got up to refill his glass, the Chinese President repositioned the pawns on the chessboard to his advantage. No one knows if Mr Singh noticed the change when he came back.

The Argentinian President Ms. Cristina Kirchner, was in heated discussions with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown about who is a better football player, Lionel Messi or David Beckham. After hours of going back and fourth, the only thing both of them agreed upon was that Victoria Beckham has the aura of a slut.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was seen feeling left out, sipping his mojito alone, which brought back memories of his own senior prom. He spoke to us with a heavy heart while trying to hold back the tears in his eyes. "It's hard sometimes, you know. We barely get noticed. People only call on us when they want us to watch their kids or to attend a funeral. It's just not fair. Why does everyone do that? Is it because we're a little gay?"

Hey Asshole, stop asking me to vote!

It's not like I don't want to vote. I do. In fact, I want to vote so bad that I once thought of voting for Indian Idol or one of it's clones. But then, thankfully, the next second I realized that it would involve voting for ugly, talentless karaoke singers the highlight of whose life would be a few weeks of constantly trying to impress Anu Malik. That's even worse than being the ghostwriter for George Bush's upcoming pop-up book (tentatively called "Dumbassery for Dummies") or handling PR for Osama Bin Laden.

Although, whoever is handling Osama's PR seems to be doing a pretty bang up job. That guy is huge is Afghanistan and Pakistan. Kind of like a medieval Micheal Jackson, but instead of little human children, he likes to have "fun" with goats.

So as I was saying, I'd like to vote for a candidate in the upcoming general elections. I would. But the problem is that out of the thousands of possible candidates, I can't even find one person who, in my opinion, should hold an office in our government.

Now, I remember a few months ago I was all like "Dude, you gotta vote.." and stuff, but as usual, I seemed to have flip-flopped.

It's easy to say "go out and vote", but really FOR WHOM?

Being asked to vote for the anyone in the current dispensation is like being asked to pick the talented Hilton sister. Or taking sides in the whole Brangelina-Aniston feud.

Democracy is supposed to be easy, isn't it? You vote for people who would do minimum damage to your taxes and spend the next five years regretting your decision. And then you vote for the other guy, and spend the next five years regretting your decision. And then it goes on and on, just like the Lord of the Rings.

Although our democracy is still better and more resilient than the madhouse inmates we have as neighbors. At least it pretends to give everyone a voice, even if everyone is shouting and no one can really hear each other.

What we forget is that a government is supposed to be as good as the people. So, our current government, who in a time of a global economic crisis does not even have a dedicated finance minister, is a perfect metaphor of how much we really care about the people who run our government.

We can pretend that having a bad government does not affect us, just like our board of education pretends that sex education can be imparted without actually talking about sex. We can tell ourselves that having people who have no knowledge of the nuances of foreign policy as leaders in our government does not really affect us directly, even when our leaders make a Bond villain seem like a saner choice. We can assure ourselves that we are lucky to be able to grease palms for getting things done, even for those activities which are essentially our fundamental right. After all, it is infinitely better than not being able to "afford" one's freedom.

Everytime a terrorist attack takes place in our country, we can feign helplessness, call everyone we know to find out if they are doing okay, blame the damn government and then go back to ignoring reality and voting for our favorite contestant on a reality show. I mean, c'mon, isn't Dancing with the Stars the best thing since sliced bread? And have you heard, the Bachchans and SRK are friends again? OMFG.

Unless we are part of the solution, we are also part of the problem.

The people "leading" our country are a mirror to our society. I completely agree that our leaders are supposed to be better than the swarming, bumbling, pathetic, out of touch, low life criminals having a rather large sense of entitlement we currently have.

But that's us too, isn't it?

The real question isn't whether they are better than that or not.

The real question is, are we?