The great Indian demographic: Part 1

The Indian demographic can be really hard to understand sometimes. So here is an attempt by the author to help people understand the mind of the Indian 20-30 year olds.

BumBhai

Male. Does not shave the stubble. Wears a brown vest in place of a t-shirt. The jeans are old and tattered. Wears a black dhaga with a photo of Ganesh/Kali Maa. Has not held a steady job all his life. Went to government school. Failed 5^th grade 6 times or stopped going to school after class 8^th. In some cases, not gone to school at all.

Participates in Ganesh Chaturthi, drinks bhang on holi, attends political rallies for Shiv Sena/MNS. Thinks he is God’s gift to women. According to him, the only way to pato a girl is to insult her in public. Loves Mailka Sherawat but wants to marry someone like Tulsi. Ends up marrying a Christain nurse from Kerela.

Music: Rangeela, Satya, Yuva

Small Town Sistas

Female. Family originally from small town/village. Now living in the big city. Very strict family. Cannot even think about boys. Is convinced that sex is for the devil. Does not know how children are born even at the age of 25. Believes that reading cosmopolitan and watching the bold and the beautiful is amoral and only for bad girls. Reads cosmopolitan and watches the bold and the beautiful when her parents are out to visit relatives. Other wise only has grahshobha on her shelf. Shares room with other 3 sisters. Wants to marry Dev Anand/Raj Kapur/Suniel Shetty. Big fan of Indian Idol and K serials. Knows the BhagvadGita by heart.

Has not spoken to a guy all her life. First time she speaks to her husband is at the suhagraat when she asks him to sleep on the sofa. Is married of straight after school or the first day of college. Does not let her husband touch her breasts for the first few years of marrige. Has a child before her first anniversary. Believes that pati is parmeshwar.

Ends up making her daughter an exact clone of herself.

Music: Jai Santoshi Maa, Jagit Singh Bhajans, Yash Raj Music

Punjabi Phiter

Male. A few thousand present in almost every city. Except the state of Bihar. Will draw sword over a marie biscuit. Wants to migrate to London/Toronto. Ends up opening a factory manufacturing nylons, if is unable to migrate. Will never talk to the girl he falls in love with. Acts like a pig to impress her. Even follows her home on his bullet motorbike. Knows which flavor of Ice cream she likes. Will end up marrying the girl’s neighbor. His idea of a romantic evening: Butter chicken with Naan. Big fan of Yuvraj Singh, Harbhajan Singh. Will pray for the Great Khali. Wants to be the Aamir Khan character from RDB but ends up as the Anil Kapoor character from Biwi No. 1 .

Music: Gurdas Mann, Jazzy B, Daler Mehndi, Juggy D, Mika

The Medha Phar-kar

Female. Born activist. Will always fight for equal rights. Will be the only one not attending the senior prom/farewell party. Will be the editor of the school magazine/newspaper. Has been bought up to believe by her activist unmarried aunt that all men are pigs and only want one thing. Sends sarees to Malika Sherawat’s house.

Will have enough income left by her dad and dead aunt to be able to work in an NGO. After the age of 40, will then move into a summer house in Kasauli/Mussori/Simla. President of the Shabana Aazmi fan club. Will go no on news channels and get hysterical in a discussion with the BJP spokesperson about the plight of female frogs in Faridabad. Will most certainly remain a spinster all her life but will experiment with Lesbianism from the ages of 30 to 40. Drives a Maruti Van or her dad’s refurbished fiat car.

TV: Rajini
Music: Abba, Queen, Lajja, Fire

The Hip Hop Hommie

Male. Dad with export/import business. Or a hotel. Wants to be an Investment banker/pilot/businessman. Wears jerseys and bandanas purchased on summer vacations in the US. Cheap Indian underwear is always showing because of low cut denims. Wears reeboks to school. Also wears silver chain around neck. Wants a gold tooth for his next birthday. Failed in Class 11. Does class 12 boards through correspondence. Will go to a university in the US. Uses an iMac. Refers to his friends as “Dawg” and/or “hommies”. Will call his girlfriend bitch or ho in front of his home boys. In private will call her Jannu. Has only hip/hop rap music on his iPod. When alone, listens to ghazals by Pankaj Udhas and Jagjit Singh. Will come back from the US to marry a small town Gujrati girl.

Will technically remain a virgin till marriage.

The wannabe Rock-Roadie

Female. Paints nails black. Streaked the tips of her hair red which she thinks is cool but because of which her dad does not talk to her for a year. Only make up she wears is a black eyeliner. Believes it’s cool to talk about sex. Has a poster of Keith Cobain in her room. Wants a subscription to Rolling Stone for her next birthday. Attends all Pink Floyd / Eagles reunion shows in Bombay and Bangalore. Works for an advertising company or is a voice an accent trainer in a call center. Will want to be an actress. After two failed gigs while trying to become an actress, ends up as a VJ on mh one Punjabi.
Will have a crush on the lead singer of the school band. Will dump him after the second date. Has more guy friends then girlfriends. Is one of the boys. Other girls are jealous of her because all the guys want her. Is called a “slut” behind her back. Can kick the BumBhai’s ass. Ends up with a younger guy who lives of her salary. Hates people who like Bryan Adams.

Music: Eagles, AC/DC, Pink Floyd

New Rules

The Indian version of New Rules:

People must stop protesting for every movie that releases. If you don't like a movie, don't go and see it. Our country is supposed to be a democracy. Give people some kind of freedom. And the thing is, your protest doesn't really impact the movie because it helps to keep it in the news. When a movie is being made, the people involved do not think "How the fuck can I offend more people?". Stop protesting and get a job.

Indian news channels must show actual news. Bollywood people doing each other is not breaking news. Clips from stupid reality shows is not news. If I wanted to watch crap like that, I would stick to doordarshan.

Singing competitions must stop making new singer overnight. Don't Shaan and Sonu Nigam have enough backup singers already. And the thing is, it doesn't really create singers. The winners usually end up hosting a singing show on the same/rival channel.

Can the stupid left parties shut up and let us sign the nuclear deal? Can they stop thinking about not pissing China off? China already has Indian territory illegally in Kashmir and wants the state of Arunachal Pradesh. And they also make poisonous pet food. And they are already pissed of at us for inventing chicken Manchurian. So Shut Up.

Political Parties have to stop hyperventilating on Valentines day every year. So people want to give each other candy. I mean, having processed fats is against Indian culture? Please. Am I the only one who has Bengali sweets?

Today's drinking game: A tequila shot every time Mayawati uses the word 'caste'.

Lastly, we get the government we vote for. So stop casting votes for Indian Idol and go out and vote for the government. Otherwise stop bitching.

Reflection on Life

Sometimes, life can seem pointless like a John McCain presidential run, or appear empty like a Ralph Nader rally.

Sometimes, life can be as sinister as Dick Cheney and hand you a lot of lemons like the George Bush presidency.

Sometimes the superdelegates of your life can make decisions that are not what you really wanted.

Sometimes tough decisions in life make you faint like you were at an Obama rally. But through all the smoke, fire and brimstone, we need to learn to rise like Hillary just when everyone counts you out.

Sometimes life can take you away from reality just like Mike Hukabee.

We can sometimes fail miserably in life just like the Rudy Guliani campaign, we must not forget that sometimes life lends us a hand like Jeb Bush in 2000 and we can still manage to come out of a pile of shit smelling like roses, ala Al Gore.

Whatever turn life takes, we can stop the fat lady of life singing for us by cockblocking her like Bill Clinton.

We should never forget that sometimes, we need to put the greater good over personal ambition like Mitt Romney.

Even though life can be confusing like a Fred Thomson speech, and you can do all the good you want, the fact remains that people will only remember you for all your ridiculousness like a $400 haircut.

Lastly, we should not lose heart and remember the fact that if Dennis Kucinich can find someone, so can we.

Top 10 Australian excuses on losing the cup

10.Still upset over the Shahid-Kareena break up.
9. Too much Foster's before the game.
8. The umpires were neutral.
7. The whole team was tired from 'kangaroo-riding' Glichrist the night before the match.
6. Wanted to please the owners of the IPL teams.
5. Blame it on the streaker.
4. Wanted to go home early to watch the Australian Idol finale.
3. Wanted to see Harbhajan do his pump-up-the-jam-bhangra one more time.
2. We were told that the wining team gets to see the English version of "RGV ki Aag".
1. The Indian team handed us our asses on a golden plate.

That's F*uckin Ace

Dude.. change your fuckin name .......think of your children, people call them little banchods .... and why the extra H? Is it for GOOD LUCK? Dude.. with a name like that .. there ain't much good luck. So stop being a banchod and change your name.

Crap on TV that pisses me off

Why do people participate in MTV Roadies? I mean what is so fun about being humiliated in front of billions of people? Are you that hungry for fame? Even the money isn't that good on that show. If I wanted to get manipulated, back stabbed, felt up, insulted, I would've got married. Can someone please tell these idiots that acting like a retard on television isn't going to make you famous. It'll make you the laughing stock of South East Asia. I mean they wouldn't be able to get laid In Nepal. They would have to go to Bhutan or something.

Another thing that is stupid is who wants to be a superhero? Please. Did someone actually make something like this. When I saw the advert I was shocked. Really? who wants to be a superhero?
DO people HAVE that much time on their hands? Did enough people watch this crap so they had to make another season. Now I must confess I have never even seen an episode of this shit, just the advert pisses me off. And as for the people watching and participating in this shit, get out of living in your parents basement and go read the Lord of the rings again. Or watch Star Wars or something or read harry potter. Just stay out of my TV fuckheads.

Most reality TV pisses me of. I mean singing competitions specially. Specially Indian singing competitions. One of them had Anu Malik as a judge. Yeah. That makes it so special. Anu Malik, judging people on talent. That's like getting George Bush to host Are you smarter than a fifth grader!! Seriously. And those celebrity dance competitions. Gawd they are awful. And the worst thing is that people actually VOTE for this shit. People give a damn. "Honey, the children are hungry ....." , "wait, I'm watching (), tell that basted child of yours to wait, my singer is down on votes. He neeeeeds me."

And none of these shows are real. They are more dramatic then the crap Ekta Kapoor peddles.
The only thing real on Indian TV: Lok Sabha TV. Watching those a**holes fuck up our nation. Yeah. That's great TV. But to be fair, most of the time they are showing documentary's on Nehru. Boy! What happens when NDA runs the government? Can't wait for those documentaries on Vajpyee and Modi. They'll be hazar fun to watch. No shit, sherlock.

I mean we as Indians are fooled so much. Don't we have enough pain and suffering in our lives that we have to go and watch someone else cry their Glycerine infected eyes out? I mean aren't most of the viewers married and have kids? Don't they already have enough sadness in their lives? Geez.

Even in America, the shit they sometimes show on TV. I want to be a hilton, or the bachelor ..... Gawd. And if I hear Donald Trump going "You're Fired" one more time, I'm going to send him a gift certificate for NY's best barber. Donald, please get that thing on your head removed.

And news channels. Can someone please collect enough money for news channels that actually show some news. I'm tired of watching people waste endless newsreels on star weddings, star hookups and star fuckings. Please. I don't wanna know if Saif-Kaprrena get married or have children or elope or have a threesome with Shahid. I don't give a rats ass. Please. I don't wanna know Britney Spears latest screw up, I don't wanna know which Hilton has a tape out, so stop it. And LL is no Monroe. Thanks.

There's more where that came from.

Overated Outburst 2.0

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I had to watch the filmfare awards. I had to squirm in my sofa while the other people in the room enjoyed the perormance. The other people in the room being my family. So since we live in India and family is family, we would not be saying anything about them. They were already subjected to more than 1654323 of (a) my mock jokes on bollywood (b) degrading them for watching these awards (c) Purposely changing the channel to watch WWE No Way out (d) Enjoying mocking everyone even though I could run to the next room and watch the Great Khali get his ass beaten on a bigger screen. Needless to say, they have suffered enough.

So anyway, on to business. So if you were among the 100 million people who watch the ffare awards, please pat yourself on the back. You have been successfully duped by the biggest farce in the Indian film Industry. And no that's not IIFA because that is the second biggest farce.
Yes, I mean to say that Indian awards are a farce. Nice to see you catching on, sherlock. (I just kid, I have much love for everyone). The thing is, everyone goes home happy. Now let me explain how this works. Not that I am much of an award history buff, but this is how the system works.

Now Shahrukh Khan is always going to win because he is nominated. In the year he is not going to win, he will get some stupid awards like the power award. Hrithik Roshan is nominated every alternate year. Now he will sweep all the awards in the year he is nominated. He will get the best actor, best supporting actor, critics choice award (unless there is a Munnabhai release in the same year, in which case Sanjay Butt wins this award because he is highly unlikely to get the one that matters), the best actress awards (or the best performance by an actor in a female role and if you still don't know they are called actors with boobs and I don't mean Bappi Lahri) etc etc. Now during this time, both the Bachans will face each other in the Best Supporting Actor award and AB's baby win. Now AB will be nominated against SRK and of course SRK will win. In case neither of them is going to win, either Jaya or Amitabh is presented with a lifetime achievement award or a Sippy Award or a RD Burman award or again, a power award. SO that's how it works.

Also the main criteria of winning is that one should be present to accept the award, except when you are Aamir Khan in which case you will still get the award as an incentive to attend next year's show even though the rest of the cast comes and keeps on saying that Aamir doesn't accet awards.

If you still by any faint chance think that the awards are not fixed, I give you exhibit B.
Now, your honor, it is a know fact that Karrena and Saif are temporarily doing each other. Also, Kareena was nominated for best actress (i know, its really funny). Anyway, Saif Ali Khan was called to present the award. Isn't it such a perfect coincidence? Like it was written in the stars. Ans it's so good that Saif got some face time. After all if he hadn't been called to give the award then we wouldn't have known that he was even attending the event. So if the naive people still beleive that the award is not fixed, well then you would also beleive that I am the King of England and that Anu Malik is not influenced by english/spanish/bangladeshi music.

Also, if what SRK and Saif kept on mumbling is really humor? I mean ridiculing Saawariya or Bhansali is so funny. Not that I am a fan of either. The only thing I liked in that movie was Ranbir dropping his towel (which I saw on you tube). HA!

So my fellow naive Indians, please do not beleive that award ceremonies are not fixed. And please don't compare them to the Oscars. The Oscars may be more long, more boring and well more glamorous, but they have a certain class that filmfare or IIFA cannot have. And that is my opinion.

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Another thing that was brought to my attention was this ridiculous monkey controversy going on in Australia. All I want to ask the Australian press is that really? REALLY? Bhaji taunting the crowd with monkey gestures? He was scratching his fucking armpit.The only thing that it signifies is that he fucking needs a shower. Since this is award season I would like to present the Australian media with the worse-than-Rajat Shama-India TV-Rakhi Sawant combined award. Congratulations. I also read an article in which Ricky Ponting was bitching about the "bad stuff" getting to the team. REALLY? REALLY? Whatever happened to fire-in-the-kitchen and other horrible analogies you guys used? So you lost. You were beaten. You ass was beaten yellow. Face it. Accept it. Making excuses is the job of the Indian team. You guys are supposed to be the motherfucking world champions. Act like it sometime. And Ponting, if you want to go ahead and diss India all the time and then bitch about not being paid well enough. Well, son, boo-fucking-hoo. If I were one the team owners, I would buy you and fucking bench you ass for the rest of the season. You would be the 13th man. The one carrying the luggage. Oh and this is just playful banter Ricky. We are of course friends of the field. I'm just sledging pal. It's like a pat on the butt. Like in baseball. The difference between baseball players and the Australian cricket team/ Well the baseball players have big heads and small nuts because they take steroids.

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Isn't this whole Jodha Akbar controversy really getting silly? I mean they had to fucking move to the supreme court? Talk about sore losers. It's like complaining to the teacher. Can the people in our country stop being such drama queens? I mean didn't that used to be the jobs of Pakistanis? Being drama queens and protesting about all Indian shit? Now Indians protest about all Indian shit. Wow. I mean one can't even have a effing cup of coffee without violating someone's religon, caste/creed or bowel movement. Gawd!! Last time I checked this was India. Does the word democracy ring a bell? Remember those times when we were not allowed to express our opinion. Like BEFORE INDEPENDENCE?? Brings back such sweet horrible memories.

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Will someone please get Sanjay-Manyata a marrige license already. I mean leave them alone motherfuckers. They got married. They have a right to do each other. Get off their case. (Not that I am a big fan. Just beleive in privacy).

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So Anil Ambani won praises for giving up Rs. 5000 crores from his personal fortune to the company to distribute to public shareholders. Awwwwwwwwwwww ...... what's a few thousand crores between friends? I mean Anil only has a 100000 gazzilion dollars left? I mean he is practically destitute. We should start a fund for him. Oh..I'm sorry we already have that. It's called our national budget.

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Can some edition of Big Brother call Shilpa Shetty back and keep her in the house for a couple of years? At least she will stop coming out with Yoga DVD's. And can you beleive that this was a best seller in Britain. What's next? A do-it-yourself KamaSutra manual? Or a cookbook? Can you please get married to a bloke in Germany and let us be. Thanks. Much appreciated.

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That's it for this edition of Overated Outburst. Have fun.

Blogging, Indian Culture and that damn Julia Roberts

So I was watching an NDTV program called "We the people" where the topic of discussion was well, strangely blogs. Now, most of the non-bloggers there appeared to have no knowledge about blogging. The quotes from such people were horrendous. However, one thing that really hit me was this constant use of the words "Indian Culture". Nothing gets me more riled up than the use of these words, I agree. But tell me why does this have to pop up in everything that we do? Does a simple thing like blogging have to pass through the litmus test of Indian culture? I was reading a few comments that were sent by some people through SMS to the TV station and a lot of them were based around the same theme of blogging on being based on Indian culture. It's just so preposterous that everything is seen as a threat to Indian culture. It's not only blogging. All kinds of media, music, movies even the internet is seen as against Indian culture.

OOHHHH ... Rock Music ... against Indian culture, English/Spanish/Belgian movies, against Indian culture, the Oscars, against Indian culture. What's this obsession we have about Indian culture? Do we even know what Indian culture is? Do these self-imposed guardians of Indian culture even realize how our culture came about and what our culture is?
By just following some hypocritical Victorian values do we confirm ourselves to be the true followers of Indian culture?

I mean look at what the religious right does on valentines day? No, No, No, alien culture. Corrupts the minds of our Indian children. Not that I like valentines day, but how can the expression of love be against Indian culture? Two people who love each other, just want to share a few cards, flowers and some chocolate. Are they percolating through some imaginary door that they are not supposed to?

According to such intelligent guardians of Indian culture, children are not supposed to choose who they marry or love because well they don't know but a group of middle aged, pot bellied people (called parents), who are out of touch with the realities of the real world, who don't give a rat's ass about what the children are looking for in a mate, can decide who they spend the rest of their life with. It doesn't matter that they two people spend the rest of their lives bickering and unhappy, but NO, NO, choosing a mate is against Indian culture.

What makes one think that parents know what is best for the child? Indian children are taught from the day they are born that they are the exclusive property of their parents/grandparents/uncles/chachas/mamas etc. etc. They have to respect them because they are elder, they have to obey them because they are older to them in their age, they even have to touch older people's feet. Why? Because it is our culture? Indian children are supposed to study what their parents think is appropriate, work where their parents think is best for them, get married to a person whom their parents think is perfect for them and have children when thier parents start yearning for grandchildren. Any deviation from this plan is considered a violation of our sacred Indian culture. Ohhhhh ... You married outside your caste ....... you bought shame to our family ... Ohhhhh .. you have a boyfriend ...... nice girls don't think about love, nice girls think about chappatis and kids and knitting woolen clothes. Speaking up against injustice is considered a violation of Indian culture.

Our culture reeks of oppression, submission and unhappiness. It is no wonder that most of our nation is unhappy. The parents are unhappy because their parents did not let them do what they wanted to and their children not listen to them.

The reason given for this unhappiness by our priests and politicians is the influence of the west. It's that damn Julia Roberts. Putting such bad bad thoughts into our children's sacred head. Bad Bad thoughts about love, bad bad thoughts about happiness, of seeking your aim in life. Teaching our children that there is a world beyond marriages, relatives, society, neighbors, relatives, in-laws. Damn you Julia Roberts and our whole democratic party voting Hollywood. Damn you. You teach our little girls about freedom. You will rot in hell.

You self righteous westerners telling us about human rights and toilet paper. You think you scare us with your nuclear weapons. Look at us. You hit us we will destroy Bangladesh and Pakistan. look at our might. We can now hit a moving chilli-chicken thela in Shenzen. Keep your breast baring Halle Barry. In India, women are not supposed to have breasts. Even if they do, they should be well hidden from leering eyes. They should not be even shown to a woman's husbands. They are evil. The twin towers of evil, if you must. Indian women do not have any breasts. Period. And they also do not have any periods. Indian women are devoid of periods. All this educative talk of "cloth is for curtains" is against our Indian culture. Damn you Hollywood. You with your rap musicans. Those bloody rappers. Against our culture. Puting bad bad thoughts about bitches and ho-es in the heads of our children. We do not have ho-es in our country. And is that what you do to bitches you perverts. You Americans. Stop spreading your poison.

So can we not talk about Indian culture at the drop of a hat. If our Indian culture is so weak, then how come that damn Julia Roberts can break it so easily?