5 reasons this blog hasn't been updated

5. I was convinced by India TV that the world is about to end so I got busy trying to check items on my "101 bars to drink at before I die" list

4. I was stuck in a house with thirteen other people with no contact with the outside world while our every move was being broadcast on National Television

3. I was so jealous of someone's Goa trip, I decided to take a "trip" of my own

2. I suspended updating my blog to focus on resolving the economic crisis

1. I realized no one really reads this blog anyway so why bother

How to spend tax payers money - Indian style

Watching the Democratic National Convention really left me dumbfounded. I mean these Americans are so smug thinking that they have everything figured out. I mean they talk about taxpayers money like they know how to use it. Ha!! They really don’t get it do they? So, I consider it my duty to let them and the world know how the central and state governments in India like to spend taxpayer money. To show the world why, to use the immortal words of a fellow patriotic Indian, We Numba One.

So world leaders pay attention. This is how it’s done.

Taxpayer money should be spent on the following:

1. To award real heroes
   
   We need to award and encourage the real heroes of the country. People who make us proud to be an Indian. No, I’m not talking about those soldiers at the border to have it so easy, with their cosy torn sleeping bags in one of the coldest regions of the world. No siree Bob. Not those men and woman who sacrifice their lives so that people in our country can safely live theirs. Nope. I’m talking about real heroes like Abhinav Bindra. A man who brought so much fame and fortune to India that some of it overflowed into Bangladesh. He won an Olympic Gold medal. He deserves all that taxpayer money we can give him. Doesn’t matter that the families of those soldiers who die at the hands of terrorists have nothing to eat. That’s okay. However, we will not rest until every sportsmen in the country who can afford to drive a Mercedes, is given all the taxpayer money we can spare. And we can spare a lot of money ya know. India is shining, bitch. So what if a few farmers kill themselves and war widows have to scrape to feed their families? Do you see a gold medal around their necks? No? I thought so. No one gets medals for trekking three miles for a vessel of water.
   
   
2. For honoring those who spent their life in service of their country
   
   Are you one of the country’s most famous soldiers? Are you the only Field Marshall this great land of ours has ever produced? Did you famously tell a Prime minister that you will not engineer a coup against her? If yes, then sorry. You don’t deserve a state funeral. Hell, you don’t even deserve to have the day of your funeral REMEMBERED by any government department at all. State funerals are for young, talented reality show stars. Those who do us proud by winning one of the thousands of talent shows on cable television. You’re just a decorated war hero. Walk it off, soldier.
   
   
3. On providing jobs for the needy
   
   Yes. Our government looks out for all those in need for a job. Not only do we provide them with jobs in government departments/companies, we also promote them out of turn over other losers. Needy people like MS Dhoni and the Great Khali. Even if they have not reported to work for more than 5 years. Or have never even seen their workplace. Equal pay for no work, remember? These people are guranteed employment under the constitution. Those millions of graduates that are added to the workforce every year can work in those damn call centers. Or go abroad. Who cares? Soak in the power of democracy people. Soak it in.
   
   
4. To provide healthcare for the elderly
   
   This is one of the most important traditions of our country. Taking care of our elders. Helping those who need healthcare for those who cannot afford it. For eg: A former prime minister who advocated hiring doctors not based on merit but their last name. All the medical bills that he incurs when he goes to visit doctors in the UK and the US are taken care of by Indian taxpayer money. Not those doctors he helped hire, but the ones who live thousands of miles away from his home. A lesser man would have budged under the weight of such irony. But not this patriarch. We should all applaud his dedication to the cause of social justice. Meanwhile there have been hospitals built for the elderly in rural areas. They just don't have any doctors or medicines or any medical equipment. So what? It's the thought that counts. Why bother about details?
   
   
5. On modern and progressive education
   
   Our state education department spent millions of rupees to come up with a sex education manual which does not mention the words “sex” and “intercourse”. That’s how it should be. If kids get to know about how babies are born, they would rush out of their classroom that instant and start bumping uglies (i.e. having sex, making love, whatever you westernized unpatriotic basteds call it). This promoted our culture of not acknowledging the mere facts of life. In India, there is NO s*x. Only Immaculate Conception takes place. Praise the lord. Sex is immoral. Like rock music and decaf coffee.
   
   
6. On promoting secular values
   
   The preamble of our constitution proclaims our great country to be secular and the state and religious values to be separate.However, who really believes all that crap. In our country, God is omnipresent. Especially wherever there is no water and electricity. For those people, God is all they got. SO why fight it? Why not appease every religion and make everybody feel insecure? Why not turn every election into an election about religion? Nothing can go wrong, right?? After all, hasn't our country been an example of communal harmony since the summer of 1947?
   

First Draft of Senator Obama's acceptance speech

Yesterday, history was made when Barack Obama was nominated for President of the United States. We all heard and were wowed by his speech. But thanks to our "sources", we got our hands on the first draft. So here it is, warts and all.

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My fellow democrats, my fellow Americans, My Bitches,

Thank you for nominating me to become king of the world woo-hoo the office of the President of the United States.

Firstly, I would like to thank the people I owe this victory to. Firstly, Senator Hillary Clinton, for screwing up her campaign, for the historic campaign she ran, President Bill Clinton for not blowing up while giving his speech his rousing speech, my wife, Michelle Obama, for not sounding crazy like the other guy's wife, for her support, and the millions and millions of Americans who drank the kool aid who supported this campaign.

My opponent, Senator Crazy McFart Senator John McCain, is a 71 year old retard an honorable man, a war hero if you don't believe me ask him, that's all he can talk about. He talks about being a maverick, but he drank the blood of iraqi prisoners in Cheney's lair voted with President Bush 95% of the time. Which does not represent change, but represents the same old dumbass stubbornness divisive politics.

My opponent is a homophobic bigot does not support same-sex relationships, my opponent loves waterboarding too does not support an end to torture, my opponent is a gun toting hee-haw does not support gun control, my opponent calls women with unwanted pregnancies knocked-up ho's wants to repeal Roe v Wade.

My opponent is out of touch with the youth of America thinks ABBA is still cool, out of touch with middle-class America has so many houses that he does not even remember the exact number, is out of touch with the women of America refers to his wife as a c*nt, and is out of touch with reality wanted to choose Paula Abdul as his running mate.

We need a President who can build American reputation in the world by not attacking every country with oil, increase our energy independence by not kissing the Saudi's ass, and going after Al-Qeada in Afganisthan by going after Al Qeada in Pakistan.

The last eight years have been really bad America has been fucked more than a whore on Times Square, for us. We need to rebuild our nation and rebuild the American Dream by bringing the sitcom FRIENDS to a movie theater near you.

People question my faith because of my former batshit crazy pastor, my patriotism because of a stupid flag pin, my sexuality My wife is a woman, in fact she's all woman. Gimme some of that honey. Mmm.

People don't realize that this campaign is not about me, it's about Oprah you, the Armenian American People.

America, we cannot turn back We don't have a reverse gear. Not with so much work to be done We really need to repair Britney And LL. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone specially in an African-American neighborhood. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future like they did in that Star Wars movie. Let us keep that promise, that American promise to get you so drunk that you wake up next to someone you don't even know.

Hey Russia, the west called. They want their balls back.

While America and Europe were thinking about disbanding all NATO-Russia military exercises, Moscow announced that it won't play with the West anymore.

Moscow announced that it won't continue any joint military activities with either NATO or the United States. Yes. While America was talking about isolating Russia, Russia has begun ignoring America.

In fact, just yesterday the Russia told America to talk to the hand.

The American government was so angry, the exact state department response was

"Oh yeah, Yo Mama so ugly she make an onion cry. Whose the chump now, eh?"

News Dictionary

Are you confused? In these times do you feel overburdened with information? Don't worry, because as always, we at overated outcast help you navigate through the news with our aptly titled news dictionary.

Big Boss: A reality show which puts more than a dozen celebrities in a single house for more than eighty days without access to TV, internet, phones and mouthwash. By celebrities we mean people who are in the news for all the wrong reasons. A racist, a former cocaine junkie, a alleged former mistress of a don, a lowbrow comedian, a person suspected to be a human being, all under one roof. Sadly, nobody in the outside world misses the people inside. In fact people were wondering if they can seal the house. Not without a certain Ms Shetty though.

Bachna Ae Hasino: The latest Yash Raj flick to hit the theaters. The leading man's only claim to fame is dropping his towel to reveal his cracked up sense of humour and having a famous last name. One of the leading ladies is his girlfriend and one of the leading ladies looks like his mother. The title shares it's name with one of the famous songs of the leading man's father. This is in keeping with his promise of not pimping his heritage to further his career. A man of his word, which is such a rare quality these days.

iPhone: About to be launched in India on the 22 August, it is already on it's way to become a bestseller. The "I" in the phone's name stands for idiot , referring to anyone who actually purchases the phone. The Phone stands for phone because the device can mostly be used to just make phone calls, which recent reports have suggested is mostly achieved by trial and error. The phone cannot be used as a modem, cannot be used to record videos and turns most of it's buyers into smug little assholes. Credited with ushering in the real smart phone revolution, the device uses technology which can be found in phones manufactured in 2004. The real purpose of this device is to blow some smoke up it's owners ass so that they can buy more apple devices.

Olympics: A global sporting event which encourages people to get excited about all the wrong things. The current version is being hosted by a county which plans to take over the world, one unit of lead infested cat food at a time. Also the opening ceremony consisted of all the world leaders getting together and singing Kumbaya, We are the world and Who the fuck is Alice.

Splitsvilla: A reality show where the men look like women and the women look like men and the stupid bald guy looks like a stupid bald guy. The men act like they have never seen a women ever, the women act like they would hump anything with a dick and the host pretends that people watch this show. This goes to show that just because you keep saying f**k on television, it does not guarantee an audience.

Obama: A candidate running to be the next President of the United States, or as some people call it, the leader of the free world, wherein the usage of "world" does not include Eastern Europe, Russia, Asia, the Middle East and most of the South American continent. Even though he is the better suited to hold this position than his opponent, Old MacDonald, he still is struggling to maintain a lead in the polls. It seems that the American people have decided to live up to their stereotype of being stupid. As they say, God Bless America.

Georgia: A little known former Soviet and now-independent country which was put on the map recently when it was Invaded by Russia. Even though the US promised to come to it's assistance in such a situation, it advised Georgia to simply Walk it off.

Poland: A little known European country whose invasion usually signifies the beginning of a world war. Or at least another season of 24. Has recently inked a treaty with the US which bolsters it's defense against Russia err.. Iran. This has angered the Russians who now want to bomb Poland into oblivion. To which Poland said "Dude, where's my car?."

America refuses to sign Russia's Yearbook

In what is becoming a bigger crisis day by day, Student body head America said that it won't sign Russia's yearbook. This crisis has been bought about ever since Russia roughed up poor defenseless Georgia by giving him a atomic veggie and then putting his head in the toilet bowl. Georgia complained to the student body led by America, who not only released a strong statement condemning Russia's behavior but also refused to sign his yearbook.

"We need to send a message so that such incessant bullying will not be tolerated in our high school. Russia must apologize to Georgia and return his library books immediately. If we don't control this now, Russia's behavior might get out of hand." said America. Meanwhile the student council led by America and his jock buddies Britain and Canada have decided to remove Russia from their facebook group called G8. "It sends a strong message. We shall not stand by doing nothing while Russia bullies everybody in the school chess team. He's already got one of the cheerleaders pregnant." said a somber Britain.

Meanwhile Russia says that America and his cronies should keep out of this family affair. "Georgia and I have are both distant relatives. Both of us owe our existence to our grandfather, Soviet Union. So it's just some tough love. I'm making a man out of my younger brother." said Russia, in a written statemnet on his MySpace page.

Meanwhile the head of the organizing committee for the Prom, China, just wants everyone to get along. "I worked so hard to put this together. Everyone should just relax and have my special homemade toxic lead flavored fruit punch.", said a worried China.

India's foreign policy is like a bad Tom Clancy novel

I just don't get it when educated supposedly sane people say that India is going to become a "puppet" for the US. I mean, seriously, buddy, get your head examined.

I mean first you need to ask yourself why did you attend Sitaram Yechury's campaign meeting. Then you need to ask yourself a few questions. Like do you live in Canada or the United Kingdom? Does the main source of income for your country come from the world bank? Did the head of government of your country work at a McDonald's before taking up his current assignment? If the answer to all these questions is no, then you can stop selling your own blood and be assured that your government is not a puppet to the United States government. Or any of it's agencies.

For my fellow countrymen, even the ones who piss in their pants at the site of a blond, need to understand that it's impossible for a country like ours to become a rubber stamp government for any other country.

That is because (a) We are all grown up now and want to do our own thing on the world stage (b) Thanks to the Indian population in the UK, the whole world now knows that if you take our money or try to occupy us, we'll come into your country, make Chicken Tikka your national snack and turn your capital into an extended version of Karol Bagh.

So people who keep getting their knickers in a twist, relax. it's all good. It's not the 15th century that we outsource our government or the 1970s that we go batshit crazy over one superpower.

Whatever it's faults, we do have a sort of working democracy. The poor people vote for the government and the rich people run it. Nothing is more democratic, really. When we take steps that align us with the US on the world stage, we do that because it benefits us.

Some of our politicians want to side with China and Iran.

Do these people really think that, heaven forbid, if we have a war against Pakistan or somebody, are Iran or China going to help us? No. Iran has got it's own shit to deal with and China would be invading Arunachal Pradesh on the first opportunity.

From the Indian perspective, Russia has gone from former superpower to a psychologically distrubed bully, China & Pakistan want most of our territory and nobody really cares about Bangladesh. So we only got one friend in the playground who will not mind our cooties. Suprisingly, it's the US.

From the US perspectve, Russia is taking over Europe, China's taking over Africa, and Iran is driving everyone in the middle east nuts. So the only person whose ready to lend a shoulder to a lonely, crying America is, well, surprise surprise, India.

See? Our interests allign perfectly.

So why shoudn't we play scrabble with each other. And when we get bored, we can always get Israel to play with us. Though not for long because Israel gets real angry when it's pissed off. Yeah. Seriously. Ask poor Jordan and Egypt. Or Lebanon for that matter.

Independence Day: A Memo to part-time patriots

So anybody wanting to send me those emails and messages on 15th August proclaiming our country’s various achievements and telling me again that we invented the zero, I hereby save you a few keystrokes.

Don’t send it.

No, seriously.

It’s not worth it.

What I’m saying is, to all those people who become patriotic on 15th August, 26th January, and whenever we beat Pakistan in cricket. Thanks but no thanks. I ain’t a fan.

Nope. Not at all.

Yes. All those people who are finally able to fight their hangover and send across “We’re the best country in the world. Duh” messages which reek of delusional and schizophrenia, need to, well for want of a better word, chill.

Yes. Wake up and smell the cup of cutting chai. We’re not number 1. We’re far from it.

We need to lose our delusions of grandeur that we have. We need to stop acting like the oppressed. We got the British to leave 61 years ago. Shit happens. Get over it, bitch.

What we need is a reality check. Someone who doesn’t fall victim to our politicians pandering and refuses to drink our jingoistic national kool aid. Someone who helps us overcome our collective national addiction to whatever mixture of superiority/inferiority complex we have.

The first step is admitting it.

So we need to admit that inside our little Indian hearts, somewhere, we know the truth. We know that we’re really not better off than the Americans. Or the French. Maybe we’re better off than the Algerians. The Nepalese maybe. Though I think we're definitely better than those suckers in Georgia. Anyways, the point here is that, we need to stop rationalizing everything that happens in our country.

We also need to realize that, to quote one of my favorite comedians, that our country suffers from fuck up fatigue.

Yes. Things are so bad most of the time, that when another fucked up event happens, we go Yeah, what ya gonna do?

And that my friends is, well, fucked up.

We need to stop thinking that we are morally superior to the rest of the world. That our country has “values”. Yeah, following some traditions that were started in the 14th century does not equal having values. In our country, we don’t have “values”, we have suppression. We suppress our children and impose our code of conduct on them and call it values. It’s not values, its child abuse. Not letting young adults choose who they want to marry is suppression. Imposing and expecting children to adhere to everything their elders say is slavery.

We get all haughty and smug when a kid of Indian origin wins some godforsaken spelling bee contest in the US. Though our own kids can’t even spell ostentatious correctly . (Even I can’t spell it. Thank the lord for spell (spel? dunno..oops..) check. Yeah, baby.)

We make fun of people of all races, sometimes the humor bordering on mental harassment, yet we are scandalized when someone calls Shilpa Shetty “Poppadum”. Wtf, right?

All I’m sayin is that please spare me the histrionics. I got better things to do.

Like get drunk to celebrate muh freedom, mentally undress other people (trying to be ostentatious, y’all) and then text everyone I know that this is the besttest country in the whole wide world. Go India!!!

Uh-huh.