Dating advice from hell by Love Guru Chetan Bhagat

India's largest selling author, who has an even larger head, Chetan "Imma block yo ass" Bhagat, is not just a writer (and we use that word very loosely here. Very. Loosely.), he is also also responsible for bringing together millions and millions of lonely people by helping them find a way to love each other.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Love Guru extraordinaire, Chetan Bhagat:

We start with the basics:

Yes, ladies. It's as simple as that (aka the less popular ASAT). Whenever you feel lonely, whenever you feel that you are ready to finally fill the void in your life (which cannot be filled by either food or ice-cream) just smile. And then thousands and thousands of men will literally present themselves and will be yours for the taking. Even though there is a multi-billion dollar industry whose whole purpose is to get women laid (Cosmo, Maybeline, Daniel Steele), just ignore all that and smile. You're welcome!

Yes, because men are somehow like penguins, maybe? Also, in case you really, really like her shout the words "Ouuugaaaaaa, Muaagaaaaaaaaaaa" and jump up and down three times. She is sure to select you, then! Money back, guarantee!

Yup. You want to keep your options open, always. Also, make sure to move fast, because seriously WHAT THE FUCK?

 

Now for some brass tacks:

You can also send a "fraaandship" request on Orkut, keep superpoking her on facebook and if you really want to win her over,  send her really weird sentimental messages every two hours. If she doesn't reply and ignores you, it doesn't mean she wants you to stop. It just means that you need to try harder!

Burping is for wussies. If you want to show her how much of a man you are, FART right in front of her. If she doesn't slap you, SCORE, bro! After the farting is over, please remember to be nice to her. Like give her a room freshener or something!

Other accepted things you can call her: Lesbian. Because if she doesn't like people who give her constant missed calls, stalk her online and fart in front of her, she probably is not into men at all. Ergo, Lesbian. Also, can you blame her? FYI, in case she already has a significant other, you can also call her 'a whore' while bad-mouthing her to other people. It's your right, as a shunned, creepy, almost-romeo.

 

If you are one of those people who think that the above steps are too much to remember, then have we got a deal for you! Something, short, sweet and really handy:

Yes, the path to a woman's heart is by irritating her. If you have feelings for her, irritate her. If you really like her, quit your job and follow her around wherever she goes. If she calls the police, she probably likes you back and wants you to follow her even more. Do not stop, continue to follow her around and this time, make obscene gestures. And if you really, really love her, just go ahead and punch her in her face. Nothing says "I love you long time" like a broken frikin' jaw!

 

Now, you may wonder what exactly makes Chetan qualified enough to give "advice" on love to other people. You might be a little skeptical.  For you, ladies and gentlemen, I present Exhibit A:

 

Mind = blown.

Tiger Woods apologizes for being just too fucking awesome!

[pic via Reuters]

So the world came to a stop on Friday to collectively sit back and watch Tiger Woods robotic apology. Now, Tiger seemed to be a little dispassionate about his 'apology'. So, we, at Overrated Outcast decided to investigate the matter and find out what really went on. Turns out, this was not the speech Tiger originally wanted to give. The speech he was supposed to give was vetoed at the last minute by his PR team. So, we 'convinced' one of Tiger's blonde hussies to give us a copy of the original speech, due to the right to information act (which does not apply to US jurisdiction, but our blonde operative, Jessica Simpson, did not know that). So here it is, ladies and gentlemen, Tiger Woods's original speech (needless to say, this is so not safe for work. Or children. Or women):

Hey Everyone, thanks for gathering here, to hear me speak. Some of you here are my friends, some of you are my colleagues and as for the rest of you, I have no fucking idea what you are doing here.

The only reason I called this non press conference is because I'm fucking tired of all your fucking insinuation about my private life. So I'm just going to spell it out for you.

Yes, I did sleep with a lot of women. Yes, most of them were blondes. Yes, I like having sex.

Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a fucking river.

Back when I was in high school, and I was a kid and didn't have any friends because no one wanted to be friends with that weird kid who plays and talks about golf all day. Not even that weird fat girl who made Ugly Betty look like a goddess. No one gave a shit when I didn't have a date to my own Senior Prom and I sat at home and watched reruns of The Cosby Show.

Now that I'm rich and good looking and get more tail that all the Kennedy brothers combined (yes, I get more tail than JFK, the guy whose middle name was "Fucking"), everyone's bothered and up in my bizness.

You know what, fuck you.

I don't have a sex 'addiction'. I have what every other guy on this planet (& Ann Coulter) has.

A dick.

I get horny. So I do what any other person in my position would have done, I go out and have sex.

What's so wrong with that?

The only person who should have a problem with that is my wife.

Anyone else is just being too fucking nosy for their own fucking good.

I don't care if you judge me. You have nothing better to do anyway.

I'm a slut. A man-whore. A casanova. A womanizer. Hell, I'm the black male version of Paris fucking Hilton. In fact, there is even a Rihanna song about me! 

Don't expect a fucking apology tour from me, cause I ain't no fucking politician, and I don't need your fucking approval rating.

However, I do think I need to apologize to some people.

I apologize to all those single and not so single women that I have yet to sleep with. I promise you that I will get to you one of these days.

I apologize to all those people who had to bear all these pre-medieval fucks bark about things which are essentially none of their fucking business. 

In fact, I'm sorry I'm just too fucking awesome for most people to recognize.

I'm not sorry for what I did. In fact, after this bloody thing is over, Imma gonna do it again,

As for parents who think I'm a bad role model for children? Well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm a great fucking role model. It's important to teach your kids that the only way you can get so much tail is if you either have money or are good looking. Hell, scratch good looking. If you only have money. So, kids, if you're listening. No matter how ugly your are, no matter how many people pick on you, no matter what your parents say, when you grow up, just work towards one thing: Making money. Everything else is crap. If you have money, you can fucking do anything. And no one is gonna stop ya.

As for those sponsors who ditched me midway, Fuck You. I made more money for you than anyone else. You know, Accenture, no one even cared for your small-ass consultancy before I let you put my picture up next to your logo. And as for Pepsico, I made drinking Gatorade look cool. Even some hot-shot basketball player couldn't pull that off. Well good riddance to bad rubbish. I always preferred Coke anyway.

As for all those bad-ass players, my so called 'peers' who think they're better than me, well I got news for ya buddy. I'm the best fucking golfer this world has even seen or will ever see. And if it makes you feel any better, I don't have to play even a single day of golf if I don't want to. I have more fucking money than I know what to do with. I'll be spending my Sunday afternoons with Candy and the rest of her hot stripper friends while you are going to be 50, and playing in some lame-ass "Masters" tournament, in the middle of fucking nowhere like Peru or Narnia.

So, a here's a big, sweet merry Fuck You to you too.

As for the media, I didn't join the cast of Jersey Shore and get into their STD-infested sauna for the world to talk about my 'sex-life'. And I didn't go around like the Ghost of Larry King and marry 7 dwarf-wives. By the by, CNN, this is why no one's watching you. Cause you're talking about a fucking glfer and his fucking whores!

Lastly, Brit Hume, you slimy, old mother fucking asshole, Fuck you.

Also!

Now, everybody, let's stop worrying about my penis and get back to more important things.

Like, have you given any money for Haiti lately?

The 'Rahul Gandhi' is everyone's new favourite dance step!

So the new Rajnath Singh, Nitin Gadkari went to have lunch at a colleague's house, and it made the national news.

There are so many things wrong with that. Let's do a point by point thingie (or as purists call it  'bullet point analysis'. I call it 'thingie' cause it's amateurish & childish. Just like me!) to explain.

1. Unless Rahul Gandhi INVENTED politics, or 'pulling a Rahul Gandhi' is a new dance move which involves doing the hustle in your Kurta, no one can pull a 'Rahul Gandhi'. Every politician who requires points for his 'imma-son-of-the-soil' marksheet does this. In fact, in the book "Beginners guide in how to be a son-of-the-soil politician", this is probably Chapter 1 (Go eat in a poor person's house). Or maybe I'm wrong and even MK Gandhi was 'doing a Rahul' when he did this more than sixty years ago. Or maybe even those stuffy politicians in Europe, who were doing this in the 1800s were pulling a "Rahul Gandhi'. Who knows, really?

2. Eating a meal at a poor person's house is nothing but theatric symbolism. It sounds so good, "Oh Mah Gawd, he went and literally ATE at a poor person's house!! Literally!! The Horror! Must vote for him next time!" Don't they see the unintentional bigotry involved in this? Just by eating a small meal in their house, does it make you understand the years of their struggle? Does a white light emerge from the back of your head and you suddenly become aware of years of oppression your 'hosts' had to face? This is even worse than when Mayawati builds a statue of herself and tells all her poor, suffering voters "This pigeon-bait is going to solve all your problems! Thee should now rejoice, and haveth some cake!". Hey, at least she doesn't make them pay for lunch!

3. Don't the reporters have anything better to do than sit around watching a fat guy eat? Do the reporters who 'report' on such 'symbolic luncheons' actually believe what they are saying? If they do, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If they don't and still go on about it, would you actually want someone like that 'reporting' on the 'news'? If I ask so many questions, does it make me sound like a certain anchor of a 9PM news-show? If it does, then will someone volunteer to kill me?

 

Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [Rediff News]
Nitin Gadkari does a Rahul, has lunch in Dalit's house [DNA India]

Attack of the lawmakers: Unparliamentary behavior from around the world

Usually, we expect our parliamentarians to be demure and classy (not really). However, sometimes they let their emotions get the better of them.

Now, most modern day parliaments can trace their ancestry to the British Parliament. The British Parliament is known for it's boisterous debates, strong objections (!) and vigorous name-calling. Basically the British parliament is like a slumber party with the cast of the movie Mean Girls, except with more slutiness. 

Here are a few cases of politicians taking the words "legislative action" a little too seriously (This is just a pre-cursor. Expect more horrible puns as we go along. Don't tell me you weren't warned).

In most of the videos, I really don't know why these people are doing what they are doing. However, that's not going to stop me from guessing:

We begin with everyone's favourite damaged good, Canada. Canadians are not known for violence, except when it comes to ice-hockey. They are literally militant about ice-hockey. Hey, I'm not anyone to judge. America gets to be more famous, more successful and has better teevee shows. Let Canada have it's ice-hockey, Okay? And if you don't, this is what's gonna start happening.

I don't speak Canadian, so I'm guessing the Congressman is angry because no one wanted to take his proposal of getting rid of debt by betting taxpayer money on Stanley Cup games seriously? No, he's not crazy. He had a system.

Anyways, we now move to the other side of the Atlantic. Here we get a glimpse of what the Irish Parliament looks like. Now, please note that the honourable member was probably drunk. Hey, it's Ireland. Every hour is happy hour. Being sober in Ireland is literally a crime.

'Fuck you deputy Stagg' is my new favourite catchphrase. Also, it was heartening to see the large number of people attending the session.

Speaking of drunk parliamentarians, how could we leave the Russian Duma behind? They sure know how to pack a punch.

I'm not sure what the fight was all about, but I'm positive that it involved the following: Lots of Vodka and someone sleeping with someone else's wife.

We move towards South East Asia now, where South Korean Parliamentarians are fighting over who gets to see the only available front row tickets to a Lady Gaga concert. What can I say, they must enjoy people who love bluffin' with their muffin.

Also, is it me or did you expect Jackie Chan to suddenly jump on to the podium and kick everybody's ass?

They say that a women's biggest enemy is another woman. These Taiwanese parliamentary ladies prove that theory.

CATFIGHT! RAWRRR, ladies! The men are all content standing by and letting the women sort out their business. I'm pretty sure, in their heads their thinking (like Joey Tribianni from the sitcom Friends) "Stop them? NO! Let's throw some jello on 'em!".

However, as always, the best of legislative violence award goes to none other then the Uttar Pradesh legislative assembly, which I'm sure would win the battle of the Parliament-All Stars.

Yea, baby! Make 'em bleed!

WE NUMBA ONE! WE NUMBA ONE! BOOM BOOM POW!

Suck on that, everyone.

SUCK. ON. THAT.

A treasury of classical greatest twitter hits from Sagarika Ghose

Famous crazy person, Sagarika 'Shouty' Ghose, who screams from inside your teevee every night, also has a twitter machine, which is full of comedic gold.

Here are a few selected classics:

Here, Ms. Ghose appears to be apologizing to a movie, for leaving a stain on it's coffee table, perhaps?

She loves Dan Brown. Now her whole 'reporting' makes sense.

OMG, she JUST discovered the subject for the next Dan Brown best-seller!!1! The HOLY GRAIL of Global Warming! It's almost orgasmic, for Dan Brown fans!!!

Yes, because the temperature changes are only happening in the West. Having a heat wave and a cold wave in the same frikin year signifies that mother nature is simply trying to be fair in choosing the method with which to kill homeless people. And who knows better about the science behind global warming than an economist?

*Facepalm*

Yes. And Ms. Ghose, who is the daughter of Bhaskar Ghose, famous I&B secretary, and wife of Rajdeep Sardesai, her boss, is clearly against nepotism. Well, done maa'm. Well, done.

Those goddamn poors do not know how to behave. They should just behave like good poor people and be happy that they have got the opportunity to study in a "foreign" University. A "journalist" like "Sagarika" "Ghose" will not "stand" for such "behaviour". ( I might have "overdone" with the quotation marks. "Sorry".)

She will single-handedly kill Haldirams and all it's thousands of branches, by not gracing it with her benign presence.

I am willing to bet good money that she talks to her plants. And by talking I mean SHOUTING ON THE TOP OF HER VOICE. Her plants are not not growing because of the season, THEY ARE SCARED & AFRAID THAT SHE WILL TALK TO THEM, EVERYDAY!

I hadn't read this tweet before I posted the previous one. Honest!

Yes, bollywood is famous for such Bohemian and Liberal movies such as DDLJ, HAHK, K3G etc. Because nothing says liberal like movies which 'empower' woman by portraying them as pawns in the hands of men. And those crazy Bohemian movies, which portray children who don't obey every single directive from their parents as evil! Also, Alok Nath's career, for some reason.

 

Yes, it's so great that she can win a debate against a straw man. It's such an accomplishment to offend people that are looking for something to be offended at!! Bravo, Ms. Ghoss! Bravo!!

Childish name calling and generalising is such a great way to win an argument. Grouping and stereotyping your opponents on the basis of religion is the same bullshit tactic that is used by the very people she pretends to stand against. Using your soapbox to score brownie points against people with whom you have a political disagreement with is simply the way of the coward.

Oh! Oh!! Oh!!! Comparisons!! My turn! If Sagarika Ghose is India's Sarah Palin. then Rajdeep Sardesai is it's John McCain. If Sagarika Ghose offends you, then you probably must be stupider than she is. If you watch Sagrika on teevee everyday, there is a 1000% chance of you becoming suicidal.

 

[Tweets via Sagarika Ghose's Twitter feed]

Everyone is retarded, today!

India's #1 platonic comical duo Amar Singh and Jayapradha have been suspended from their party. While Amar has the sads, according to Jayapradha, she is neither 'happy' nor 'sad'. Well, she must want everyone to read her j-j-j-j-joker face. [The Hindu]

After a year and half of saying that there will be no dialogue with the Pakistani government, the Indian government has decided to re-start the dialogue with Pakistan. So that retarded 'Aman weds Aasha' campaign finally worked!1! [HT]

While the Indian and Pakistani diplomats exchange frozen mangoes, a tribe of dangerous dandruff-beard people wants to start Jehadin' again. They must be angry because they weren't included in the IPL, maybe?! [Indian Express]

Miserable old coot Bal Thackeray wants famous movie person Shah Rukh Khan to take his freedom of speech and move to twitter. Meanwhile, famous movie person Shah Rukh Khan just wants EVERYONE TO WATCH HIS GODDAMN MOVIE, in which he plays Shah Rukh Khan playing a retarded version of a person suffering from Asperger's syndrome. [HT]

Pakistan's ambassador to Saudi Arabia is a dick. Literally. [FP]

Obama is scheduled to meet the Dalai Lama later this month even though China has threatened to stop sending the US free Farmville goodies on Facebook if he goes ahead with the meeting. Obama is really eager to met the Dalai Lama because he rarely gets a chance to meet a fellow messiah. [The Guardian]

Director of Moulin Rouge & Australia, Baz Luhrman is currently touring India, for charitable purposes. He wants to make a movie with the Bachchans and AR Rahman. Ugh. Dude, that would be WORSE than a punch in the face, so why don't you just Baz away?. [The Hindu]