5 reasons this blog hasn't been updated

5. I was convinced by India TV that the world is about to end so I got busy trying to check items on my "101 bars to drink at before I die" list

4. I was stuck in a house with thirteen other people with no contact with the outside world while our every move was being broadcast on National Television

3. I was so jealous of someone's Goa trip, I decided to take a "trip" of my own

2. I suspended updating my blog to focus on resolving the economic crisis

1. I realized no one really reads this blog anyway so why bother

How to spend tax payers money - Indian style

Watching the Democratic National Convention really left me dumbfounded. I mean these Americans are so smug thinking that they have everything figured out. I mean they talk about taxpayers money like they know how to use it. Ha!! They really don’t get it do they? So, I consider it my duty to let them and the world know how the central and state governments in India like to spend taxpayer money. To show the world why, to use the immortal words of a fellow patriotic Indian, We Numba One.

So world leaders pay attention. This is how it’s done.

Taxpayer money should be spent on the following:

1. To award real heroes
   
   We need to award and encourage the real heroes of the country. People who make us proud to be an Indian. No, I’m not talking about those soldiers at the border to have it so easy, with their cosy torn sleeping bags in one of the coldest regions of the world. No siree Bob. Not those men and woman who sacrifice their lives so that people in our country can safely live theirs. Nope. I’m talking about real heroes like Abhinav Bindra. A man who brought so much fame and fortune to India that some of it overflowed into Bangladesh. He won an Olympic Gold medal. He deserves all that taxpayer money we can give him. Doesn’t matter that the families of those soldiers who die at the hands of terrorists have nothing to eat. That’s okay. However, we will not rest until every sportsmen in the country who can afford to drive a Mercedes, is given all the taxpayer money we can spare. And we can spare a lot of money ya know. India is shining, bitch. So what if a few farmers kill themselves and war widows have to scrape to feed their families? Do you see a gold medal around their necks? No? I thought so. No one gets medals for trekking three miles for a vessel of water.
   
   
2. For honoring those who spent their life in service of their country
   
   Are you one of the country’s most famous soldiers? Are you the only Field Marshall this great land of ours has ever produced? Did you famously tell a Prime minister that you will not engineer a coup against her? If yes, then sorry. You don’t deserve a state funeral. Hell, you don’t even deserve to have the day of your funeral REMEMBERED by any government department at all. State funerals are for young, talented reality show stars. Those who do us proud by winning one of the thousands of talent shows on cable television. You’re just a decorated war hero. Walk it off, soldier.
   
   
3. On providing jobs for the needy
   
   Yes. Our government looks out for all those in need for a job. Not only do we provide them with jobs in government departments/companies, we also promote them out of turn over other losers. Needy people like MS Dhoni and the Great Khali. Even if they have not reported to work for more than 5 years. Or have never even seen their workplace. Equal pay for no work, remember? These people are guranteed employment under the constitution. Those millions of graduates that are added to the workforce every year can work in those damn call centers. Or go abroad. Who cares? Soak in the power of democracy people. Soak it in.
   
   
4. To provide healthcare for the elderly
   
   This is one of the most important traditions of our country. Taking care of our elders. Helping those who need healthcare for those who cannot afford it. For eg: A former prime minister who advocated hiring doctors not based on merit but their last name. All the medical bills that he incurs when he goes to visit doctors in the UK and the US are taken care of by Indian taxpayer money. Not those doctors he helped hire, but the ones who live thousands of miles away from his home. A lesser man would have budged under the weight of such irony. But not this patriarch. We should all applaud his dedication to the cause of social justice. Meanwhile there have been hospitals built for the elderly in rural areas. They just don't have any doctors or medicines or any medical equipment. So what? It's the thought that counts. Why bother about details?
   
   
5. On modern and progressive education
   
   Our state education department spent millions of rupees to come up with a sex education manual which does not mention the words “sex” and “intercourse”. That’s how it should be. If kids get to know about how babies are born, they would rush out of their classroom that instant and start bumping uglies (i.e. having sex, making love, whatever you westernized unpatriotic basteds call it). This promoted our culture of not acknowledging the mere facts of life. In India, there is NO s*x. Only Immaculate Conception takes place. Praise the lord. Sex is immoral. Like rock music and decaf coffee.
   
   
6. On promoting secular values
   
   The preamble of our constitution proclaims our great country to be secular and the state and religious values to be separate.However, who really believes all that crap. In our country, God is omnipresent. Especially wherever there is no water and electricity. For those people, God is all they got. SO why fight it? Why not appease every religion and make everybody feel insecure? Why not turn every election into an election about religion? Nothing can go wrong, right?? After all, hasn't our country been an example of communal harmony since the summer of 1947?