Un-Funny

The Indian space agency plans to send a man into space in another decade. The name of the rocket is A 100 Years Too Late.

The mission will carry astronauts, scientists and a tea stall owner.

There is a new add for some shampoo which shows Kareena Kapoor seducing a guy by showing her scalp.
Isn't that what all guys look for in a woman? A good, healthy scalp?

Miley Cyrus apologized for her sexy pictures which are circulating on the Internet.
Wow!! She did that even without any protests from the Shiv Sena.

Why does anyone have to apologize for being sexy? I never apologize for my rugged handsomeness and better-than-a-movie-star looks.

****

After her recent wins, Hillary Clinton has said that this contest might go to the convention.
Does anyone else find it strange that America will select a new American Idol before the democrats select their presidential nominee?

****

Mallaya's IPL team is doing so bad that they can't even score with their own cheerleaders.

They have lost 6 matches in a row, or as Hillary Clinton calls it, First place.

Mallaya is so desperate for a win that he hired Harabhajan Singh as a motivational coach for his team.

In fact their new team slogan is : Fuck!! We lost again!!

The team is such a big flop, Yash Raj Films and Ram Gopal Verma are now in a bidding war for the rights to make a movie about team.

****

A dummy's guide to Slang Etiquettes

As requested by some of our readers, we have been asked to publish a guideline enumerating the the appropriate and in-appropriate usage of some slang words. We, at overated outcast, are always delighted to help the less gifted and the slightly retarded.

1. Babes

Origin: Teen serials on Indian Television

Usage of this word is a strict no-no. What can't you accomplish by saying the word "babe" that you need to append an s to the end of the word? Are you out of your fucking "minds"?
Usage of this word makes it known to the world that you are an avid watcher of Indian teen serials and that the only thing you learned in Ms Briganza's English class was to idiotically pluralize words which are in Singular form.

Most people, when they use this, sound like a U.P. version of a valley girl.

It is never appropriate to use this word.

2. Bucks

Origin: Originally intended as a slang word for money. Derived from the phrase The buck stops here. (If you want more information, google it. Surprisingly, we are not wikipedia. Though we try.)

Appropriate usage: "The bottle of Kingfisher costs 100 bucks".

Inappropriate usage: "Babes, Can you lend me some bucks?" [ugh, kill us before saying that]

We recommenced using this word sparingly.

3. Lolzzzzz

This is usually used during im or text chat. We wonder why people need to z everything?Are you a fucking bee? Isn't lol-ing enough? What purpose does zzz serve? The only thing it does is lame up the conversation. As lame as watching hindi news channels or eating pizzas at haldirams. Unless you laugh like a Hyena or talk like khali you do not need to add zzzzz to every fucking word.
A similar restraint is recommended for words like coolz, babesz, chillzzzz, friendzzzz .....

In case you are responding to a joke which is really funny, we suggest using lmao or rotfl.

Not to overkill is the key here.

4. Shit

This is one of the most common word used in the English language. Most people who do not even know any word in English would still know the meaning of the word shit. In today's day and age, it is unacceptable to use the word "shit" as an expression of anger, frustration or helplessness. It is usually now used to replace the word "stuff".

Appropriate usage: "Damn!! Have you heard Snoop's new album? That shit is dope!!"

Inappropriate usage: "Oh Shit! The condom just broke!"

In case one wants to swear, we recommended the following:
- Dammit!! / God Damn!!
- Oh Crap!! / Holy Crap!!
- Jesus frikin Christ!!
- What the fuck (or the more popular acronym, wtf)
- Oh My God!! (in case you are a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. fan)

5. Nerd \ Dork

Nerd & Dork have ceased to be insults. The last lot of people who were accused of being Nerds have either become the richest person in the world or opened their own hedge fund, married that trophy wife and purchased a house in Bermuda. To secure one's future, it is recommended that one refrain from name calling smart and intelligent people because one might find themselves working for those very same people one day.

In case you have a trust fund and can afford to harass/abuse the lab nerd, one might call them Dwight. This is based on the character Dwight Schrute in the US version of the office.

Eg: "Steve is such a Dwight, he'd rather sit home and watch star trek than get laid." [error intended]

6. Other Important Notes

In a corporate environment, we suggest the usage of the following words:

- Oh Darn !!
- Oh Golly !! [ under no circumstances should this sound effeminate. In case it does, drop it and say something stereotypically alpha-male like beer, girls or boobs immediately. ]
- Gosh Darnit [same as above]


Hopefully this helps all you deprived souls out there. We, as always, love to hear your questions & comments. Keep 'em coming.

Weekend Update

A new movie has been released on the relationship between the Indian left parties and China. It's called How Harold gets Kumar to Fuck up his country.

ISRO is about to launch 10 satellites at one go. Apparently, the name of the project is Kareena Kapoor.

Harbhajan Singh slapped Srisanth in their recent IPL encounter. To get back at him, Srisanth superpoked him through facebook.

When asked about it, Bhaji said that after Srisanth approached him, he thought What would Amy Winehouse do?

A jealous Ponting asked Ishant Sharma to spank him like a little girl.

Jackie Chan recently visited India to release the music of Kamal Hasan's new movie. He was accompanied to the event by his groupie, pile-on friend Malika Sherawat. Before heading back home, he required surgery. Yes, he needed to have Malika's lips surgically removed from his ass.

The Delhi government has refused to disband the new Bus Corridor. In a statement, Chief Minister Shiela Dikshit said, it is our constitutional duty to provide as many road blocks as possible. If we don't fuck up things now, how will we promise to solve them in the next election?

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in a statement yesterday asked all political parties to refrain from politicizing the misery of the people. He then got back to reviewing the forthcoming book about his speeches, called Baloney & Bullshit.

43 year old Director Guillermo del Toro has been selected to direct the movie The Hobbit and it's sequel. He is moving to New Zealand for four years to sh0ot the movies. Yeah, Del Toro is a very famous director. In fact he is the only living director to have a movie made on his life. Yup. The movie was called The 40 year old virgin.

The president of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, refuses to accept the result of the election he lost and is now going to hold another election.

When he heard about it, Al gore said Why didn't I think of that.

I'm not saying that Mugabe is rigging the election, but he just hired Jeb Bush as election commissioner.

The Dalai Lama said that he welcomed the talks with China, as long as they were serious. Apparently, he was angry at the email from the Chinese government which said Dude, we sooo need to talk.

The soundtrack of my life ......

We've been tagged ........ by Moo.

Ok. No need to panic. We've got it under control. Yes, we can.

Rules of the tag : Various situations are given. You have to come up with a song (or set of songs) that aptly describe the particular situation in your life.

Here we go:

Opening credits: Superstar - Lupe Fiasco / Touch the sky - Kanye West

Waking up: Wake up Call - Maroon 5 / Let's get it started - Black Eyed Peas

Average day: Rollin - Limp Bizkit / Rehab - Amy Winehouse

First date: Ayo Technology - 50 Cent / Pimp Juice - Nelly / The Reason - Hoobastank

Falling in love: Hey there Delilah - Plain White T's / Somethin Stupid - Frank Sinatra / How Bizzare - OMC

Love scene: Let me blow your mind - Eve / Don't stop the music - Rihana/ Let's get blown - Snoop Dogg & Pharrel / Deep Inside of you - Third Eye Blind

Fight scene: The Game - Motorhead

Breaking up: She Fuckin hates me - Puddle of Mudd / Your Fault - Plain White T's / Love is a losing game - Amy Winehouse / We used to be Friends - The Danny Warhols / To & Fro - Mattafix / Get over it - Ok Go

Getting back together: My Way - Limp Bizkit

Secret love: In the closet - Micheal Jackson

Life's okay: That's the way I Like It - KC & the Sunshine Band / Hotel California - Eagles

Mental breakdown: In the End - Linkin Park / Crawling - Hoobastank

Driving: California - Phantom Planet (on an empty highway) / Fuck off and Die - Green Day (in city traffic)

Learning a lesson: I Don't wanna be - Gavin DeGraw / Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park

Deep thought: Chase this light - Jimmy Eat World / Vodoo Child - Jimi Hendrix

Flashback: Thank You - Dido

Partying: Low - Flo Rida

Happy dance: Weapon of Choice - Fat Boy Slim

Regretting: What I've done - Linkin Park

Long night alone: Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day

Death scene: King of Kings - Motorhead

Closing credits: Theme from Don (2006) redone by Linkin Park (I'll get that song commissioned some day :D)

There you go. We did it. Just as I said we would. And we had fun. And we did not ruin it with some stupid joke. That's a first.

why? Why?? WHYYYY?????

I request the Indian government to legalize marijuana. Otherwise how, how can we sit through the following news items/headlines on our Indian news channels. Oh, the humanity!!


- Khali tries Gandhigiri (wtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtf)

- Khali introduces Big Show to various Indian traditions (*bangs head on wall* *breaks a chunk of his head*)

- Kids want to be like Khali !!! (Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo)

- 2000000045 Minutes segment on the Amitabh - Shatru war of words

- Amitabh Bachan has a blog! (i really could not care less)

- Bar girls protesting against cheerleaders in IPL

- Amar Singh protesting against cheerleaders .... Amar Singh ..... Yes, I said Amar Singh

- Shatrugan Sinha (why in the name of Jesus Christ doesn't he shut the fuck up) refers to the cheerleaders as go go girls. Also makes derogatory remarks about woman commentators.

- Woman minister who looks like she just got up from her afternoon seista (with the worst hairdo ever, by the way) says that cheer-girls (don't ask) are a new phenomenon and they will see what needs to be done

- Clipping of Karan Johar dancing like a go go girl ... (I was so angry, I burnt my eyes )

If this doesn't make them legalize all kinds of dope, I don't know what will. At least legalize crystal meth. Anything.

Un-Funny

Disclaimer: The author of the blog is not responsible for the following brain fart's causing e a mental breakdown:
**************************************************************************

Ricky Ponting is now playing under Saurav Ganguly's captaincy for the IPL. When asked about it, he said that he came to the IPL for two reasons:
(a) He'll do anything for money .. and (b) He really wanted to see Ishant Sharma naked in the dressing room.

I'm not saying that Ricky Ponting is a unscrupulous, but in the Foster's "how to speak Australian" advert, his photo is shown with the caption "Whore".

His nickname printed on his T-Shirt is "Easy Lay".

Team mate Parthiv Patel was overheard telling him "Dude, even mine is bigger" !!!!!!

********

The movie Krazzy 4 is so bad, people think Ram Gopal Varma has made it.

In fact, RGV is now going to make Krazzy 1, 2 & 3.

********

Hillary Clinton is trying to appeal to black voters. First she said that she was against gun control, and today her campaign has released a new slogan, "It's the economy, MotherFucker!".

********

The Maharashtra Government has banned sex education in schools. When asked about it, they released a statement saying that instead of having a whole department for sex education, the Maharashtra government plans to show students Malika Sherawat and Emran Hashmi movies.

The Maharashtra Government also wants to ban cheerleaders in IPL matches. In a statement, it said that we can't help our farmers or stop Mumbai from getting flooded every monsoon, but by God, we can stop the cheerleaders from corrupting young horny impressionable minds.

Of course, the Maharashtra government has not heard about the Internet or Playboy.


********

India has released a statement in which it asks the US not to take responsibility of determining Iran's nuclear status and let IAEA determine it. It also said that maybe Osama Bin laden may come to his senses if given a chance and China is so misunderstood.

********

Myths & Truths

The UPA government needs to go. And fast.

Any government which thinks that China and Iran are our friends and the US needs to be told to bugger off, needs to stop smoking. Seriously.

Myth: China is a friend

Err... No. China is the major contributor to Pakistan's nuclear missiles (which are mainly developed for us ... to be used when we finally cross the LOC and finally obilerate those mother fucking terrorist camps.)

Also, China illegally occupies Aksai Chin and has not given up claim over the Indian state of Arunachal Pradesh.

So having a friend like China is like having a neighbor, who, after receiving an invitation from you for dinner and drinks, comes in and then occupies the door between his house and yours and then keeps claiming the area around your bar.

To put it in terms Pranab Mukherjee would understand:

China is like Rasgullas made from milk contaminated with lead.

To put it in terms the general population of India would understand:

China is like Amrish Puri in Ghayal. They pretend to be our friend, but are actually the ones who kidnapped and kill our family members.

To put it in Terms Sonia Gandhi would understand:

China Bad .... Dragon .... Fire ... Boom .... Chicken Manchurian give stomachache


Myth: Iran is a Friend

Iran is not a friend. Iran is like the "crazy uncle" we all know and hate.

Iran is what would happen if China and Pakistan mated.

Iran would never support us in a war with China or Pakistan. Or even with Bangaldesh.

Hell, Iran won't even support us in a bad Tom Clancy novel.


Myth: The US is a enemy

This is bullshit. Horse Manure. Really? The world's only superpower, who is ready to give us civilian nuclear power and integrate us into the Missile Defense Shield to protect our countries from maniacs in Pakistan and China?

Of course, the US would look out for their interest. Are they stupid not too? However, what they offer us, benefits both the countries. It benefits India more. And it is in the interest of the United States to develop it's relationship with India.

It is in the interest of both the countries to jointly fight terrorism in South-East Asia (pakistan) and around the world. It is in the interest of both countries to curtail the negative influence of China in Africa. It is in the interest of both countries to work together to solve the twin crises of Global Warming and the upcoming global food shortage.

Ok, they made a mistake with Iraq. Well, they are paying for it aren't they? Even if they are paying their own companies .... they're still paying? .... It's the thought that counts.

The left parties should stop acting like it's 1970 and the cold war is still on. Hellloooooo? There is no Soviet Union, by the way (and the Vodka from Russia sucks). So it's time to stop playing the populist game and actually do something for the country. For once, stop acting like a bad haired version of Hugo Chavez.

See the thing is, America and India are, now, for all intents and purposes, in a relationship. And so what if it's a little gay? Sometimes they're on top, and sometimes we are. It's fine. And they keep ignoring Pakistan's request for a blow job. As long as they do that, we're good.

And we never do things they request us to do, which we don't want to. Like we did not send troops to Iraq because well, they were busy protecting Mayawati from terrorist threats. Nor did we vote against Iran. So, as our good "friend" Nehru would say, "Why the fuck are you getting your knickers in a knot?"

So stop labeling the United States as a bully. They can't bully us. Hell, thanks to George Bush, they can't even bully Canada, now-a-days.

So I'm asking the left parties, to stop acting like headless chickens (oh.. i'll go there ...) and for once stop the idiotic statements and do what's best for the nation. Stop giving those knee jerk reactions. And for the love of Sweet Corn Soup, instead of being loyal to China, be loyal to the country you live in, India. After 5 years of fucking up the nation, you owe us that much, don't you?

It's time our government stopped acting like the actors in RGV ki Aag and start behaving with some intelligence. I know it's a lot to ask, but we can try can't we? If they don't our life will turn into an endless repeat of a Himesh (I'm about to puke) Reshyamiya movie.

Department of Telecom . . . . Snooping

Blackberry services will now be intercepted .......

Some reports have quoted unnamed sources familiar with the matter as saying that Canada-based RIM has now agreed to put in place systems to allow security agencies intercept incoming and outgoing mails from BlackBerry-enabled mobile devices. Apparently, the Department of Telecom (DoT) and RIM are expected to meet today to discuss the modalities.

Ladies and gentlemen, all blackberry users should pledge to email themselves a copy of the constitution for the oft chance that the government may read it and actually do something worthwhile. (Well, the audacity of hope, ladies and gentlemen).

Also, what's up with all this snooping around our emails? Is Dick Cheney now running the Indian department of telecom??

First our phones, now our emails, what's next ....... our fuckin brainwaves? (though most of us do not have to worry about that .....)

A boat with no Oars!!!!

Indian rowing team's oars go missing before Olympics

Click here for details

Wow!! Isn't that the state of our country? A boat with no oars .........

Loose Ends 4.0

So Barack Obama is getting as much bad press as Hillary Clinton. Needless to say, he is bitter.

Obama's favorite tongue twister:

Betty bought a bit of butter ... The bit of butter was bitter ....

Yesterday, Obama received an endorsement from Bruce Springsteen. When quizzed about it, voters in Pennsylvania said "We're still waiting to hear from Sanjaya".

Hillary Clinton labeled Obama as an elitist due to his "bitter" remarks. She made this statement while on her way to a $50,000 per plate fundraiser.

Meanwhile, John McCain called the people in Wall Street "greedy". Although he did add "...unless you're a republican. In that case you are just ambitious."
********
So George Bush went to receive the Pope at the airport. When asked about it, the president said that "He really wanted to meet the guy they named those eggs after".

There was this moment of awkwardness when Bush asked the pope about the wife and kids.

It was good that President Bush took time out from his busy schedule to pick up the Pope from the airport. I mean even though it's the fag end of his term, he keeps himself busy. I mean, the 24 set DVD set containing all the seasons of are you smarter than a fifth grader are not going to watch themselves.

Of course, when you think about it, Bush and the Pope have so much in common. One is a strict religious man with empty beliefs with continuing decrease in popularity and the other is the pope.

When the president and the pope came face to face with the protesters, the protesters got confused. They didn't know whom they hated more.

When the Pope landed in New York city, he said that he wanted to see all the sites in New York, like central park, the museum of natural history and Donald Trump's hair.

The Pope gave a very emphatic speech about the temptations of the flesh and the sanctity of marriage. And that was just to the Governor of New York!!

********

Snoop Dogg is now coming out with books for little children. The following titles are scheduled to be released:

(a) Cinderella's Fella
(b) Hump Gretel
(c) Horton's ho'
(d) Snowhite blows the seven dwarfs

********

Arjun Singh was recently hit on the knuckles by her highness for suggesting that the regent Dr Singh make way for the crown prince, Rahul Gandhi. Me thinks it's time to send old yeller to the farm. Or in this case, make him a governor.

Arjun Singh does not talk to his wife much. She's very reserved.

*******

AAAAAAAARGH!

Seriously? What's wrong with people's CV's these days? Is there some kind of make-a-crappy-resume epidemic going around that I don't know about?

People have got to stop making their CV"s like a 5-year old retard child. I've read real classic lines in the CV.

(a) Participated in Sony-TV pro gramme Boggie Woogie in 20**. (Actual quote .. along with typos)

Really? How sad is your life if among your achievements you had to list a D-rated reality program? You think that impresses me? Even if you had a PhD from Harvard fucking university I would not hire you. In my mind, if any sane person agrees to voluntarily participate in a reality show, to be judged by such imminent personalities like Gangu Bai, and Raju Rickshawallah then dude, you need help. Immediate, don't-have-enough-time-to-even-blink, psychiatric help. And to put it on your resume, the document which helps others decide your capability in their organization, is murder. Career suicide. The only people who would actually employ you - Reality shows. So I guess that works out fine in the end.

(b) Looking for an organization which provides me growth
Listen, Dude, we're not Major League Baseball. We ain't here to provide you with Human growth hormone. We don't scan resumes and say "Hey this mofo is looking for growth ... We found our guy ...". So you wanna grow. Whoopti-fuckin-doo. Isn't everyone. Isn't that a given? Have you come across any person, who is not another the influence of and legal or illegal substance who actually goes "Nah!! I actuall want to work for a company which shrinks and loses money every year. Insert Smiley." No. Simply because most people want to succeed in thier career. Unless you work in a funeral parlor. Or for the government. (Same shit, dawg).
The last person who came with a resume which mentioned this line, I actually TORE the paper in front of him and stormed out of the room. So the court case notwithstanding, let it serve as a warning for future growth seekers. Thanks.

(c) Interests: Listen Music and read

Conversation 1:
Interviewer: So what kind of music do you like?
Candidate: I listen to lots of Hip and Hop.
Interviewer(after two minutes of squirming in his seat and rolling his eyes): Which artists?
Candidate: Vanilla Ice and Baba Sehgal.
Interviewer(texts his friend to kill him right now): And which was the last book you read?
Candidate: Chandamama ....

Conversation 2:
Interviewer: So what kind of music do you like?
Candidate: I listen to heavy rock and metal.
Interviewer(pleasegodpleasegodpleasegodpleasegodpleasegodspleasegod): Which artists?
Candidate: Pink Floyd and Backstreet Boys.
Interviewer(looks at the candidate in amazement for five minutes): And which was the last book you read?
Candidate: The Day Vinci Code .... (not a typo, actual quote)
Interviewer(almost in tears): What is the story?
Candidate: Well, this guy dies and then this guy can read symbols and this french woman is Jesus's daughter........... and .....
Interviewer(cutting off candidate): Ummmm ... Thank you for your time, please don't call us. If and only if required, WE will get back to you.

(the conversations are self explanatory)

People, I have no problem with people who listen to Baba Sehgal while reading chandama and chomping on a bag of haldiram chips. All I ask is that you do not meet me. Ever. I have already been very close to a fucking nervous breakdown. And if you say you've read a book then fucking at least see the movie.

*The reason these questions were asked is because we required someone who had good communication skills and was able to engage in small talk with clients, in case anyone is still reading/wondering.

The quest for Entertainment ...

The following is a recollection of the horror of what was without any argument one of the most painful evenings of my life.

So, what happened was that due to some unforeseen and unplanned circumstances, I ended up at home last Saturday night. Alone. With medium quality Chinese takeout to eat and Indian television to watch. Yes, I had to watch television. I did not want to read the 5 books I am currently reading and I did not want to watch a DVD cause I am Lazzzy (i mean the DVD cabinet is faaaaaar) and I did not want to use you tube cause I was bored. So we ended up switching on the TV. Needless to say, we were horrified, bored and our mind was turned into mush. Despite various warnings from other sane minded people, we dared to venture into the world that is called Indian TV. Or at least whatever tata sky was offering. Sit back and enjoy the highlights.

We first started with a show on one of those hindi channels which basically had some losers playing pranks on helpless bystanders. To give you an idea why lots of people commit suicides in India, these contestants went to bridge or something and as people walked by, they broke into an impromptu song and dance. Then the jury, which consisted of Farah Khan (or Sajid Khan ... coudn't make out), Cyrus Brocha and ...... and ..... and ... MIKA. Mi fucking ka. Mika as in the Punjabi Singer. So I threw my slipper at the screen and changed the channel. Is this what people's self respect has come to? Being judged by Mika?

So we thought maybe we can listen to some music. However, when we switched to the music channels ALL of them were showing one reality show or another. ALL of them. One had people with the iq of 15 doing dances, the other had roadies, which featured and a task involving acting like bangcock (....get it?) lady boys. It was awful. Then, vh1 had laguna beach. The last one really surprised me. Do they actually think we want to blonde male and female bimbos have relationship conversation? What happened to playing some fucking music? Why do these motherfucking music channels show reality TV? Isn't that what general entertainment and hindi news channels are for?

And what makes people participate in these reality shows? Is it the suffering? Is it the humiliation? Is it dancing like a whore with your ass hanging out? What? Well, that deserves it's own post.

So our quest for watching something entertaining continued, so next up were some award shows on NDTV imagine. I wanted to attend award shows, I would've gone to my own convocation. Anyhoo, we changed channels. We thought maybe CNN is showing the daily show with Jon stewart. But nooooooooo, they were showing something about britney spears ...... Gosh!! My stomach churned and I threw up.

So, still not giving up, backed up a little and Lo! behold .... some english news channel was showing a vignette on Saif Kareena, who, Fyi, have not yet been given their own portmanteau supercouple name. I suggest the following, SaK, FaK, Kaif, khanpoor, Sebo.
I really don't give a flying fuck anyway.

So, we ended our quest to be entertained by Indian television there and then. We would rather our brain be fried over a tandoor and dipped in Olive oil and then chopped into little pieces and fed to hungry people from bangaldesh.

A look at our politicans .....

How about that Arjun Singh?

He looks like what Anupam Kher would look in a 100 years ..... He looks like the guy who drives a 1980 model red maruti 800 at 20 kms/hr on a highway ..... He looks like the guy who watches Hindi News channels all day ..... He looks like the guy who buys tickets to a Rakhi Sawant concert ..... He looks like a guy who criticizes teenage girls for wearing low cut jeans but secretly ogles them .... He looks like the guy who actually saw RGV ki Aag ..... He looks like a guy who runs for president of an association of residential colonies ....... He looks like the guy who has to be told that his mobile phone is ringing ..... He looks like the guy whose children don't want to stay with him ..... He looks like the guy who plays the President of Pakistan in a hindi movie ..... He looks like the guy who is married to Nirupa Roy ..... He looks like guy who cries every time he watches Mughl-e-azam .... He looks like the guy who keeps complaining how expensive stuff is in this day and age .... He looks like a chief guest at a function organized by a government school ....


How about that Uma Bharti?

She looks like a woman who sends sarees to Malika Sherawat's house ..... She looks like a woman who thinks thinking of sex can make one pregnant .... She looks like a woman who watches channels like Sanskar and Aastha the whole day long .... She looks like a woman who sends inland letters to her grandchildren ..... She looks like a woman who thinks that all white women are whores .... She looks like the women in a hindi movie who does not hand over the keys to the tijori to her daughter-in-law ..... She looks like a women who beat their chest when the neighbor dies ..... She looks like a woman who blames a young widow for her husband's death ...... She looks like a woman who sent hate mail to ekta kapoor when mihir virani died ..... She looks like a woman who fights with her subziwala for an extra cucumber ..... She looks like a woman who participates in adverts for surf excel .....

Loose Ends

Republican presidential candidate, John McCain is looking for a running mate. Yeah, the running mate needs a few important qualifications, knowledge of the econ0omy, foreign affairs and the ability to conduct constant prostate examinations.

******

British citizens were warned by their dental health organization not to come to India for cheap dental treatment. Boy, you know you dental care sucks if even the British are criticizing it. I mean have you even seen the queen's teeth? No wonder her husband calls her cabbage affectionately. It reminds him of the piece of cabbage that got stuck between her teeth when she was 14.

******

Madonna is now keen to adopt a child from India.

Our sources have revealed the name of the adopted child ...... Shipla Shetty.

Not to be outdone, Angelina Jolie has announced that she will adopt the country of Bangladesh.

******

The boyband from yesteryear, New Kids on the block, have reunited. However, keeping their age in mind thier band has been renamed to New Kids on the Assisted Living Block.

******

Rahul Gandhi is currently on a Discover India tour. That man is smart. If the congress loses the next election, he can go to work making documentaries for National Geographic.

You know who else went on a mission to discover India? Christopher Columbus. Well, we all know how swell that turned out.

******

Yana Gupta is now going to sing a rap song ...

I really feel sorry for the 5 people who will actually hear the song ...

******

Shah Jahan's dagger has been sold for 13 crore rupees.

In fact the only other artifact to survive from Shah Jahan's time is actor AK Hangal.

The guy who bought the dagger also received a marrige proposal from Heather Mills-McCartney.

Forbes just announced the new methodology used to grade the world's richest people for their annual list. It'll be divided into two sections. Section A will be people who can afford to marry Heather Mills and section B will be people who cannot.

******

Ban 'em

The following words/phrases need to be seriously banned. They might have been cool a few years ago, but now they are the best sellers at lame-o-rama.

So here we go:


1. Rockin \ Rock on

original meaning: used by rolling stone magzine between 1998 to 2001 to describe electryfying performances by alternative bands like Linkin Park.
what killed it: ever since people heard judges of every Indian reality show say "This was a rockin' performance" or "..You are a rock star ... Rock On" (..uggh). Now only used to describe himesh (yes .... im about to puke) reshamiya performances as in His performance at the dandia festival was rockin.

2. Chill \ Chill Out

original meaning: This was a popular slang during the 80's used in conjunction with other coll-at-that-time slang like daddy-o. eg: Chill out, Daddy-o, it's just a bag of weed.
what killed it: two things. (a)When it was used by wannabes in ekta kapoor serials in the form of "Chilla-axe" (b) When it was used as a song in a Salman Khan movie.

Is now used in advertisments for b-grade soft drinks in Madhur Bhandarkar movies.

3. Wassup \ S'up

original meaning: was introduced in popular culture through the Budweiser super bowl advertisments. Was popular for a few years.
what killed it: it died a natural death. It's usage is limited to people over thirty and people who ape the character Ross from FRIENDS. May also be the conversation opener for people who spell cool as kewl.

4. Whatever

original meaning: This word was originally used to describe an attitude of apathy and was an answer to everything. It used to be the epitome of the who-gives-a-shit attitude.
eg:
Person 1: Rita has given birth to quad triplets.
Person 2: Whatever


Girl: I love you ....
Guy: Whatever .....

what killed it: When emo teens only used this word for conversation.

eg:

Mom: Jack, come and have your dinner....
Emo teen: Whatever ....

Cop: Jane, your sister is in the hospital, your mother ran away with her brother and your Dad got arrested for humping a picnic table
Emo Teen: Whatever ....


5. Karma

original meaning: This was Lord Krishna's way of telling Arjuna, whatever the fuck goes around, comes around. Not that I am a big fan, but what else can you tell people who have just broken up/gotten divorced/gotten smooched by Govinda?
what killed it: When million of white folks descended on the holy cities on the banks of the ganges, having orgies with naked sadhus. Also, the final nail in the coffin was when Shilpa Shetty proclaimed on national television that she believes in Karma.


6. Biatch

original meaning: Meant to be a slang replacement of bitch
what killed it: David Lettermen using it in his Top Ten List. Also, what did it for me, when I heard graduates from IIPM using it.

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This post is not meant to offended anybody, but if anybody is offended, all I have to say is:

Chill Out, biatch. Getting angry is bad karma. Wassup with that? Whatever.

Loose Ends

India's agriculture minister, Mr Sharad Pawar has said that there is a shortage of wheat because people in the south are having more chappitis than they used to.

Pawar also said that people in the north-east are putting too much salt in their lemonade, the citizents of Delhi have started to use too much sugar in their tea, and that the Bhang in Benaras is not what it used to be.

*******

Cuba's government will now allow it's citizens to have mobile phones. Great, once that works out they will talk about Indoor plumbing and heated food.

*******

The Hillary Clinton campaign has unveiled their new slogan: Duck!!

Not to be outdone, Barack Obama's campaign has released a statement in which they say that if the senator wins the white house, he will bring make congress pass a bill which will make a special day to be known as Crazy Pastor Day.

*******

There is this whole war of words between MNS on behalf of Nana Patekar and Jharkhand's CM on behalf of Tanushree Dutta. Also, Karnataka and Tamil Nadu are at odds again.

And you though the IPL would divide the country!!

*******

The screw ups at heathrow's new terminal have been so bad ..... even the people at the Patna airport are like "C'mon" ....

*******

The way The Indian government have been bending over backwards for the Chinese government, it seems like the government has been outsourced to General Mussharaf.

*******

Last night, I saw Sonali Bendre as a judge in a reality show. She was actually giving people tips for a successful career ... And I was like ..... How does she know? ........

I'm not saying that Sonali Bendre's career was unsuccessful but she got more coverage for being invited to the Abhi-Ash wedding than she got in her whole career.

This is really stretching the word "Reality" ..init?

*******

Breaking News: IOC changes name to BBC

by our staff reporter

New Delhi, April 3

The Indian Olympic Committee has changed it's name to the Beijing's Bitches Committee . The president of the committee, Mr. Chu Tiya has said that this rightly reflects the allegiance of the organization formerly known as IOC. "China's Chairman is our Chairman" said the president, echoing the slogan the Indian left parties have been using since 1962.
He said that after all that CHina had done for them, this is the least they could do. "This name change was not due to the the threat by Beijing that if we don't change the name, they will not let the Olympic torch come to India. We had planned to do it ages ago, but we looking for the right time and opportunity." He also said that other names were considered but this was the one unanimously chosen by the committee's board of directors. The other choices were, NBA (No Balls Academy), CGUO (China Gives Us an Orgasm), BBC (Beijing's Basted Children). He also made an announcement that Baichang Bhutia would be banned from all future events hosted by the former IOC. "What he did amounts to treason".

The left parties have praised this decision and called the BBC a pioneer. "This should have been done years ago", said Hitaram Yechury. "As soon as we accept China's supremacy over the rest of the world, the better", he exclaimed. He added that this is just a first step in their dream of one Chinindia, from Shanghai to Saharanpur, from Hong Kong to Hubli. He also said that we should also make Chicken Manchurian our national dish.

The external affairs minister, Mr Pranab Mukrlee, said that he would move a bill in parliament which would put lead in children's toys and pet food to show solidarity with China. "Just because a few thousand pets died and millions of infants were poisoned by Chinese made pet food and toys, does not give the big capitalist devil, the United States the right to ban imports from China. This is all a big conspiracy against the harmless peace loving dragon ", he said fuming with anger and frothing from the mouth.


The Chinese ambassador to India, Mr Hung Ho, said that India is doing all the right things. "However, we still don't give a fuck", he added.

Bhutia is no C*utiya

Ladies and gentlemen, the little BIG man from Sikkim deserves a round of applause. I really am not into Indian football much but this man, with his gesture has made me a fan of his. Finally, someone in the public domain who has the balls to say that China is f*cked up. He has proven, that he actually does have the golden balls. (Apologies for the horrible analogies)

However, the pussies in the Indian government are not moved. Pranab Mukhrjee issued a statement asking the Dalai Lama not to embarrass India. Wow.

Au contraire Mr Mukerjee, you are the one who is embarrassing India. You are the one is buying the propaganda Bejiing pedals. You are the one who crap in his pants when your ambassador is called at 2 a.m. You and your government are embarrassing Indian by letting China get away by laying claim to Arunachal Pradesh. The Dalai Lama has done nothing but appreciate your government for allowing him to stay. I'm sure if this was a muslim imam, he would have been allowed to be crazy. But it's the Dalai Lama. So who gives a shit? Isn't that right Mr Mukherjee?

I am embarrassed by you Mr Mukherjee. Embarrassed that I have to be represented by people like you. People who have no spine. Who can't stand up to the left for the country's future. People who cannot stand up to China because they are too shit scared. People who let China get away with murder while you try to silence a non-violent monk. YOU are an embarrassment. Not the Dalai Lama.

China has been eliminating the Tibetan identity like a cerebral assassin. The world just sits there and watches. Why not give the country which has one of the worst human right records in the world, the opportunity to host the olympics?
Just because they have a burgeoning economy , does not give them the right to act as they please. They have to be accountable. The Chinese government has to answer to the world for it's hitleresque actions in Tibet.

So Baichang Bhutia, well done. You're the first among equals. Good work. This is even better than the soccer world cup. Snubbing the arrogant dragon. To the people of Tibet, Carpe Diem!!